The embattled PM, whos makeshift government is about as strong and stable as an 87 year olds pre viagra erection, was jokingly offered the role after refusing to let go of her grip on a power like Jeremy Clarkson in the last remaining petrol car.
The last few days have been one big joke without a punchline, with even the Queen declaring “we are proper fucked off” after being asked to postpone her speech for the first time in history.
Never fear though, like a gambler at the roulette table putting his last tenner on zero, Jeremy Corbyn is convinced that his number will come up and everyone will see sense and elect his minority terrorist sympathies, over May’s majority terrorist sympathies.
Either way the next few weeks will be fun, if you consider bobbing for used condoms in a bucket full of diarrea fun.
The bleeding hearted, lefty liberal, snowflake fucking buttercup part of me wants to be really outraged by this fucking abortion of a government.
At the moment though, those doing the propping up are, so far, making this shit sandwich of a tory manifesto easier to swallow than a fucking cyanide capsule at a plumbing seminar.
How fucking shit do you have to be when the DUP actually improve your policies? They want to shelve the grammar schools idea, ditch the repeal of the foxhunting ban and ditch the plans to scrap the triple lock on pensions. All of which were about as popular as fucking Chico a the day after he left The X-Factor.
When you read those three policies back, you have to ask yourself how they got a majority in the first place. They could have promised to take the fucking soul of your first born, or worse, pledged bi monthly bin collections, and brainless Mail readers still would have fucking voted in their droves.
What a crazy week. All of this is more difficult to follow than an episode of fucking Sherlock after a spliff. It just makes no sense. Is that Subo impersonator stood next to May supposed to be a goody or a baddy? I don’t fucking know anymore.
Appointing Gove to a cabinet position to detract from the current train wreck of our democracy, is like pissing in a vase at a house party to detract from the giant shit you’ve just given birth to in the middle of the room, in front of everyone, naked, whilst sexually assaulting the hosts mam.
A fucking climate change sceptic in charge of the environment? Are we really following Trump’s playbook now? Fuck it, just appoint Jeremy Clarkson as Minster for fucking Social Justice, or Boris Johnson in the role of Foreign Secretary. Oh.
Gove looks like a fucking ventriloquist puppet made by a spiced up Gepetto, desperately trying to rid himself of the guilt he feels for lusting after Pinnochio.
This shit Pob doesn’t need fucking experts. Maybe we could write ‘Climate Change is total bullshit’ on the side of all the busses to really hit the fucking message home.
At least he isn’t Education Secretary again to appease the DUP, every school in the UK would be throwing their globes away quicker than a UKIP vote in the last General Election.
Well this is awks isn’t it Treeza? That fucking back fired like Eric Pickles the day after 8 cans of Guinness and a vindaloo. Everything is caked in two inches of shite.
This is a bigger fucking mess than a stomped wheat field. You’ve reduced your party to nothing more than a joke. It’s post satire, beyond parody. You literally fucking predicted the outcome of a ‘coalition of chaos’ yourself, the trouble is no cunt thought you’d be leading it.
What the fuck are you playing at? Seriously. Don’t you think people in England, Scotland and Wales are tad miffed that you’re being propped up by a party who no one even knows about, let alone voted for.
It could be a good thing I suppose. Just the other I was thinking how The Conservatives just aren’t right wing enough. I mean, starving children and driving people to suicide just isn’t enough is it?
We need some old school mysogny, racism and anti LGBT rhetoric thrown into mix as well. Fuck it, let’s chuck in some bombs and balaclavas to really spice things up. This is fucking insane.
Do you feel daft spending two years sharing grainy photos of Corbyn talking to some cunts 30 years ago now? He may have invited a few unsavoury characters for tea at the Commons but he didn’t extend the fucking invitation indefinitely.
You criticised Labour by saying they would take us back to the 70’s. Well you’ve just taken us back to 1570’s by noshing off that metaphorical cock to keep your grip on power tighter than a fucking Hopkins Tweet. Hell, half of your new fuck buddies don’t believe the earth was even here in the 1570s!
What’s worse than a Conservative government? A religious, anti gay marriage, anti abortion, hyper pro Brexit, super Conservative party.
Brilliant. We wanted real change and we fucking well got it alright, we got fucking turbo tories on steroids.
Fuck my last article. That tiny glimmer of hope has been extinguished like Paul Nutall’s hopes and dreams. Although the cunt will probably write a book in 10 years from now about when he won the 2017 General Election by a fucking landslide.
The only thing to look forward to now is Kim Jong May’s inevitable fall from grace, followed by President BoTrump’s Brexit negotiatations being handled with all the care and decorum of a fucking epileptic Orangutan with tourettes.
So. Here we are again. Well played Jeremy, you inspired a generation and you fought a good fight, but there’s no future for us now. We’re more fucked than Katie Price with an upcoming Hello deal.
What we do know is that the UK is more divided than Trump at a Miss. World contest, Brexit may have been derailed, and the main parties have about as much enthusiasm for working we each other as a fucking marketing team and IT support on a corporate team building exercise.
We know that the polls are about as reliable as Sinclair ZX-81, there’s as much appetite for UKIP as a shit sandwich and Theresa May is a fucking difficult woman.
Labour under Jeremy Corbyn were supposed to be wiped out, after all he’s unrlectable, and Theresa was supposed to to have a strong and stable land slide. She’s slid alright, into a fucking embankment.
Will Labour secure a minority government? Who knows. Is Boris sharpening his knife? Who fucking cares.
I’ll tell you what is apparent though. Slowly we’re becoming immune to Lord Rothermere and Rupert Murdoch’s old school brand of eye poison. They’re losing their grip on the manipulation of public opinion faster than Trump’s losing his on reality.
Whatever the outcome, take solace in that distant twinkle of light at the end if this deep, dark, shit coated tunnel.
When the alarm goes off and you grab your smart phone quicker than a fucking dropped baby, take a deep breath and count to ten first, because as the light from your screen burns into your retinas, you’ll need to be mentally prepared for a fucking grinning May, looking like a condom pulled crudely over some assorted cutlery.
You’ll kiss any chance of hope goodbye quicker than an in law on a fucking departing train, and as the brutal realisation kicks in about the whole sorry situation, you won’t get angry or sad for humanity, like you did after Trump or Brexit. You simply won’t give a fuck anymore.
You won’t care that a majority of selfish, brainwashed cunts threw away your liberty like a fucking Jehovah’s Witness leaflet covered in dog shit. Or that they sold your health care and inheritance for a fucking three word slogan and a Union Jack Tree logo.
You’ll be devoid of emotion, destined to roam the earth for the rest of your ever diminishing days, like fucking Nick Clegg after the last election.
You’ll basically be and uncaring husk, a human barrel filled with nothing but arrogance and disdain. You’ll be a fucking Conservative.
Today’s shite rags have pulled out more fucking stops than an over zealous Lollipop Lady at this crucial point in the election campaign.
It’s almost like the right wing media barons have lost their balls, which is strange considering the main culprit is a fucking giant one. That shit Sid James impersonator and muck spreading thunder cunt, along with all the other shower of shite, penny clutching, wealth hoarders are coming across a tad desperate as the realisation sets in that this unelectable leader might just get elected.
And so, like a poster campaign for Britain’s most wanted man, the front pages of the gutter press feature Corbyn as a fucking cartoon Bond villain.
If this guy really is such a fucking threat to national security, if he really does spend all of his time free time making jam and fraternising with ISIS, then why is he an MP? Shouldn’t he be on a fucking watch list?
Not that that would make any difference, all the people who carry out terror attacks in the UK are on fucking Come Dine with Me the week before.
Gary Schitpeg, from Wolverhampton, has always voted Labour in every General Election for as far back as he can remember.
He said; “I’ve always voted Labour in general election for as far back as I can remember.”
As far as Gary was concerned, his mind was well and truly made up for election day. He’d studied every manifesto but was seduced by Labour’s kinder, fairer politics and their stance on social and security issues.
Buy then he had a change of heart;
“My father voted Labour, his father voted Labour and his father didn’t vote. I was adamant that I was going to vote Labour but then I saw Colin’s Conservative sign in his bedroom window. His house faces mine. It’s dead pretty isn’t it. Like a Union Jack tree.”
I’ve selfishly used this platform to sway your opinion like a fucking unsuccessful Rupert Murdoch from a parallel universe, hell bent on fairness, but fuck it, here’s a chance for real change.
If you’re poor, vote Labour. If you’re rich and give a shit about people, vote Labour.
Yes Corbyn has spent most of his time as leader looking like a man who’s not sure if he’s left the oven on, and has surrounded himself with people who either want to stab him in the back, or are really into homeopathy and hugs, but face it. He cares. There’s no escaping that.
He’s visibly enjoyed this campaign. He’s stepped up and he’s relished every second like a young Boris smashing up a restaurant. Answers not soundbites, passion not avoidance. He even made Paxman look like a fucking thug.
Don’t vote for him though. Vote for Labour. Vote for fairness. Vote for actual change. A different political system that helps you and not the establishment.
I’m preaching to the converted here I know, but how could anyone vote for the Conservatives on their horrendous, misery causing, suicide inducing record?