You’re not going to get the clap off a ladybird for fuck’s sake

Tommy Robinson still in good spirits despite being too small to join the army cadets

Waitrose delivery to unpack your food and put it away before eating it and shitting it out

Government insists stockpiled body parts aren’t an emergency post Brexit food source

Lord Sugar to humiliate 18 tossers in annual quest to find biggest twat

Tomorrow a glowing spectre will hover above the stage and introduce Margaret Thatcher in hologram form, before doing an awkward dance, mumbling some shit about being strong and stable, then fucking off.

After a week on the streets I’d be snorting fucking arsenic if I thought it would give me some form of relief.

Rose West to bake the Brexit Festival cake

50 Million Facebook accounts improved because of security breach

Nigel Farage and David Cameron are Brexiteers, they manufactured and engineered this shit. Not simpletons who read the Daily Express and worry that the council will ban them from saying Merry Christmas every fucking year.