Fuck talk shows and the odd quiz, TV producers have found something cheaper to make than a fucking omelette. The antiques show. Once reserved for Sunday night viewing and aimed specifically at those who can actually remember buying the featured items fucking new, the format now dominates the box, like Donald Trump at a Miss. World contest.
You’ve got that 7ft mahogany twat jawed gimp on ITV, the fucking ‘Duke’. Duke of what, Alzheimer’s? The cunt constantly summarises what’s just happened as if you, the viewer, has the memory of a gold fish. The auctioneer says ‘I’m at £50 with the man in blue’ and then Davey boy immediately pipes up ‘the man in blue just bid 50 bobby dazzlers!’ We know you cunt. We just saw it.
There’s an array of odd looking fuckers on his show. That gold obsessed, 70 year old lady boy, who looks like he’s auditioning to be a fucking tarot reader. The scruffy greasy haired fat twat with the long grubby nails, who pretends he’s skint then buy a worthless piece of shite for 50 grand, and the prick with the massive eyes who looks like Two Face out of Batman without the good side.
Then you’ve got the cast of fucking Balamory on the Beeb. Does it say on the job spec ‘must have a gap in teeth and/or must be Scottish’? Everyone looks like a fucking League of Gentlemen character. There’s that perpetually happy black haired bird who reminds me of a Textiles teacher that’s accidentally stumbled onto the set and thought ‘fuck it, how hard can it be?’ Then there’s that fucking huge bastard who’d keel over if he ever managed to tuck his fucking shirt in. Oh, and don’t forget the long haired, well spoken one, who always wears fucking primary coloured trousers. No cunt is naturally that pleasant. I don’t trust him.
Finally there’s the ring leader. The fucking poor man’s Duke, Tim Wattacunt. That gapped toothed, shit Leslie Phillips impersonator is more irritating than fucking bleach on a eye ball. Especially when he says ‘yeeeaah’ like a fucking distressed snake.
I hate being off work ill. I got excited by something called ‘Lose Women’, but unlike Ronseal, the fucking tin lied. They were just a bunch of stuck up cunts trying to out do each other.