Category: Malcolm Tucker

I’ve written in depth before about the amount of fucking poor porn on the box, you know, the shite that really gets your blood boiling and your veins sticking out like someone from Kensington who’s inadvertently stumbled into an Aldi.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch Channel 5 at literally any time of the day.

There’ll be some cocky fucking fat twat who’s one Tunnocks away from a fucking heart attack, crying that she can’t keep her fucking swarm of screaming gobshites in Coca Cola and KFC, on the mere 2 grand more a year than you earn actually fucking working for a living.

You’ll want to smash the fuck out of your tele. That’s what this shit is designed to do, and guess what? It fucking works.

Shit like this is why we have working class tories. Turkeys literally voting for Christmas.

People think if they rent a nice flat, have a fucking Nissan on HP and a 42″ plasma from Littlewoods, that they’re somehow middle class and should vote in the same way.

Get a fucking grip! You’re one Brexit triggered redundancy away from the fucking dole queue you stupid bastards.

The welfare state is flawed yes. People take the piss more than Bernard Manning in a mosque, but it’s just a tiny percentage.

It’s a fucking safety net. People need it from time to time, like the 500,000 public sector workers that Britain breaking bacon pumper sacked off after deciding he was in charge.

If you’re voting Conservative because “them scroungers have sky and a big telly” then you seriously need to evaluate you’re decision and read another paper other than The Sun and watch another channel, other than 5.

I can recommend a video The Guardian posted yesterday, about a disabled woman crawling around her poorly designed house with no wheel chair access.

She has to pay for her meds now and guess what? She can’t fucking afford them, so she goes without.

 

She lives off fucking milk for Christ’s sake, in Britain in 2017. She’s not the only one and if you vote for more of that you’re a fucking cunt. I don’t care what class you are.

 

 

Peter Sutcliffe also had a nice affro in the 80’s, and with hindsight he probably thinks he probably made a few bad decisions too. In fact I bet even that cunt would hold his hands up and admit he was fucking wrong.

And whilst we’re at it, what the fuck were you playing at last week? Can your expenses not stretch to a fucking calculator, for fuck sake? I bet even Jeremy has a fucking abacus lying around somewhere.

Don’t you think Labour are going to find it hard enough to fight as it is without you mumbling bollocks live on air? You were less prepared for that than a fucking Jehovas Witness knocking on the door of ISIS, you fucking bowl cutted bull shitter.

You may as well walk around with a fucking placard that says ‘Vote Labour, we’re as good with money as a smack head who’s found a purse’

Get your fucking act together you fucking tiny eyed human sphere. Patronising the fuck out of someone doesn’t make you right, just ask Theressa.

You’re like a shit substitute teacher who always covers RE because you know the sum total of fuck all and can’t control the class, you fucking condescending snake voiced slow warbler.

If you can’t be arsed actually knowing the fucking policy you’re discussing then revert to the tory way, repeat the same bullshit phrase over and over again or just evade the fucking question, it’s as fucking simple as you, you fucking lobotomised hyper cunt.

I wouldn’t worry. Even if Corbyn was a secret terrorist what’s he going to do?Knit you a cake? Yogurt bomb you? Or maybe he’s going to grow you a particularly sour lemon in his fucking allotment.

Put your Daily Heil down for one second and open your fucking eyes. You’ve been crying like a little bitch about the nasty banks and the rich getting richer for last 9 years.

Now there’s an actual alternative to the austerity driven, divisive, poor murdering status quo being offered up, and you don’t want it because he wears a suit from Asda and spoke to a cunt in 1983.

Theresa speaks to a cunt everyday.  You know, the one flinging his own excrement from the front bench whilst taking the piss out of foreigners, and shaking his head and stuttering like a parkinsons sufferer on speed.

Yes there are concerns.  Diane Abbot is about useful as a tissue condom, even with a sensible hair cut. And yes, John McDonell looks like a local working man’s club chairman.  You know, the guy who only drinks tomato juice and collects everyone’s 50p membership on payday.

I’d take actual clowns making mistakes whilst genuinely trying to help people, over psychopaths pretending to be clowns making no mistakes, whilst trying to hurt people.

The Conservatives make no fucking bones about it either. Fuck the foxes, that’s just a distraction.  They want you to work all your lives, pay your taxes then take your kids inheritance from them the moment you start shitting yourself.

If you haven’t already then watch the leaders Q and A from Channel 4 and Sky News yesterday.  You can choose soundbites and disdain or answers and passion.  The choice is yours.

 

 

They’re right, you are a fucking difficult woman. Countless police and NHS staff stand in front you and tell you that everything has turned to shite.

Yet you don’t answer their questions though do you? You just parrot off your bullshit soundbites and rhetoric, like a terminally dull liar with mild tourettes, standing in a fucking burning building with a water pistol.

Careful with those micro expressions! It’s perfectly natural for politicians to express a flicker of shock or disdain at a question.

You fucking hate criticism though don’t you? Those crecent eyes turn into cold dead laser daggers, resting on your saggy hate bags, as your mouth gets stuck somewhere between a smirk and a ‘fuck you’.

Yes, if you hear something you don’t like, you look like someone has just shat in your living room, or even worse fed a fucking homeless man.

Corbyn wiped the floor with you today. The man has as much charisma as a fucking antique rug, but do you know why he won? Because he gave actual non scripted answers, treated people like humans and acted like a fucking human.

I’d call you May-Tron you’re so fucking robotic, but then you’d sound like something which would actually benefit the NHS.

Oh and stop trying to smile. People would have more time for you if you just left your expression at its default souless psychopath resting position.

Apart from the vast sheds he had built filled with the chemical gas Zyklon B, to murder millions of innocent Jews and everyone mentioned in Cher’s hit song; Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves, in his human abattoir experiments.

Sean Spicer, you’re a fucking chemical weapon. If your balls had dropped you’d actually sound quite sinister instead of sounding like a coked up choir boy playing war with his senile old grampa, you fucking clueless holocaust denying cunt.

You’re not a spin doctor, more a spin temp on his first day after graduating from Trump university. As far as PR goes, Trump would be better served employing a rabid chimpanzee who launches balls of its own rolled up shite at the waiting press than you.

You’re a fucking joke of a man, if you were written into The Thick of It by the pure genius of Iannucci himself, your character would be expelled at the editing stage and he’d be sectioned under the mental health act for writing such unbelievable bollocks, you hoof wanking pig eyed castrato.

You’re a fucking shite stuttering news abuser on speed, a cartoon drawing of Joseph Goebbels scrawled by the mouth of the mutated limbless offspring of a retarded pig and an ex PM, who’s just had a GCSE history lesson on World War 2 delivered by a pissed up Farage off his bonce on Spice, you fucking hollowed out husk of a shit impression of a cunt.

Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off you cunt.

 

I’m not afraid to say that these events don’t usually get to me, as heartless as that sounds. They’re always someone else’s problem. London or Paris etc. There’s so many of them that you become desensitised and numb. There’s just so much pain in the world that if you let it, it will fucking devour you.

This was different. This was local. My city and my people. I stayed up watching the rolling news, or should I say lack of it. I was angry with senior Police and the lack of information being released, after all, when was the last time you saw an event like this take so long to break in the news? After two hours of watching the same three second clip of Ambulances, Sky News were discussing balloons and fucking speakers exploding.

My anger was misplaced of course. I knew deep down that this was something bad and with hindsight, the police were just trying to keep their intelligence to themselves. That way they retained an element of surprise for the protection of all of us.

The Police, despite 7 years of crippling cuts, along with everyone else involved that night, were amazing.

It’s easy to go on about the wonderful people of Manchester helping each other out, but the truth is that happens anywhere that such tragedy strikes. People are, for the most part, essentially good. A point which gets easier and easier to oversee in today’s hostile climate.

It’s also difficult not to get caught up in a patriotic wave, but fuck it, I will. The Police and The NHS coped tremendously that night, but the truth is they would have coped with 200 fewer officers and 200 fewer nurses just as well. We brits are resilient as fuck. We fought WW2 with songs and 2 ounces of fuck all. We make shit happen. We always triumph.

That cunt, I won’t say his name, robbed 22 families of their loved ones. He attacked fucking children and injured scores of innocent people. There are no words to express my utter disdain for this backwards thinking moron or the poison oozing bastards who radicalised him, knowing full well that they will never die for their so called beliefs.

But he took more than that. He robbed my sense of security and for a second, a second too long, he made me hate all the people he pretended to represent, and that is unforgivable.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but it didn’t take long for my logic to be restored and it’s embarrassing to admit that terrorism worked on me, even if it was for a second. A second that felt like an eternity.

He hurt all of us but he didn’t break us. They never will. The following day I was in a taxi and the Asian driver felt the need to denounce it. To point out how sick the attacker was and that radicals should be hanged.

His outrage was laboured but genuine. I felt sorry for him. How may times did he feel he had to condemn the acts of a guy who had fuck all to do with him that day alone? I wanted to shake him and say ‘Stop! You don’t have to fucking do this for every customer. This has nothing to do with you’. I gave him a tip instead.

My words would have been hollow anyway. What good is me telling him that when you’ve got scum like Hopkins and Morgan chomping at the bit to politicise and cash in on tragedy, when the political parties are taking a break? The Sun ran with a picture of Jeremy Corbyn ‘with blood on his hands’ for Christ’s sake.

Dropping bombs, spreading vitriol against normal people. It’s not fucking working is it? The wheel of hate just keeps turning. The answer? I don’t have one but being stuck in this cycle isn’t it.

So. Keep being people. Keep that free taxi rides, free brews, free rooms spirit. Keep giving blood and getting bee tattoos and singing. Keep fucking loving each other because what’s the alternative?

Glancing your contorted hate filled donkey scrotum of a face, as I flick through 50 channels of shite is akin to finding a fucking lump on my bollocks, both unwelcome and terrifying.

You’re a Vulcan headed bile injected venom spitting arse tag, and a raised eye browed disdain dealing spunk chinned dick head divider.

You don’t just court controversy do you Katie? you marry it, abort its fucking children then smear the remnants over the pages of The Daily Mail before shitting on it and calling it a fucking article, you Pez dispenser of bollocks.

There are still children in intensive care. General Election campaigning has ceased, yet you couldn’t fucking wait to politicise this tragedy could you? Cheap point scoring and spreading your Nazi rhetoric like the cancer that it is.

Final solution? You make me fucking heave you callous hate filled cunt. You couldn’t even spell Manchester correctly. You were foaming at the bit to push your warped agenda, appealing to the senseless knuckle dragging gob shites who pay your wages.

You’re vermin. The lowest of the low. You deal in human misery and self righteousness. You’re an oxygen thief and a waste of space. A pantomime villain. You’re a fucking parody of yourself . Fuck you.

 

If you’re young then you’re probably sick to death of hearing this but for fuck sake register to vote.

For every one of you that can’t be arsed, there’s a 100 fucking pensioners already filling up their flasks, frothing at the bit to vote for Kim Jong May and her strong and stable attack on everything you hold dear.

Just do it. It takes 5 minutes, unless you’ve got debt collecters after you, in which case give it a miss because they’ll have your address and you’ll end up with that patronising old wig wearing cunt from ‘Can’t Pay We’ll Take it Away’ on your doorstep.

The tories are going to win. There’s no doubt in my mind about that because people are fucking thick. That’s not an excuse not to vote though. At least you’ll be able to say you did your bit.

I don’t care who you vote for but just remember this….

The Tories have increased the national debt by £550 billion, doubled the amount of homeless people and plunged hundreds of thousands of children into poverty. The number of food banks has increased by 400% under them. Fucking food banks, in the fifth richest economy in world. That is madness.

Zero hour contracts are through the roof. The NHS is being sold off, dismantled and privatised. Disability benefit has been cut by £30 a week.

If you’re 5 minutes late to your job centre interview you can be sanctioned meaning you don’t get money to pay your bills or feed your kids. People are literally killing themselves as a result of these policies.

Pensions have decreased. Police funding has been cut. Public services like libraries and swimming pools have closed down. Sure Start Centres have closed. I could go on.

Basically if you give a shit about people who aren’t millionaires don’t fucking vote Conservative.

And if some bedraggled manic eyed hyper cunt, with teeth like the piano keys from from the film Big pops up on YouTube and tells you to rip up your polling cards, ignore the fucking twat.