Category: Malcolm Tucker

Fuck you Elon, you were supposed to be our real-life Tony Stark.

You’re a wedged batshit crazy genius, so it could have gone either of two ways:

1. You’re a Bond villain holding the world to ransom.

2. You’re our saviour, propelling humanity forwards in a time when we’re hurting backwards to 1939 quicker than James Cordon to praise, or a cake.

I was hoping it was going to be number 2, what with your magic cars that run on pixie dust and your unicorn piss powered rockets.

Like every other mad billionaire though, you managed to disappoint by being somewhere in the middle.

Not the saviour of humankind nor an evil genius, just a typical petty vanilla prick.

Last night my opinion of you dropped quicker than a Tory poll rating, you went from hero to zero in the time than it takes to read a fucking headline.

We get it you shit Ben Affleck, you wanted to help the cave kids, we all did but most of us tried by saying ‘aww’ because we can’t dive and we’re skint.

You, however, had both the means and the cash to really try and help, fair play, but like Micheal Gove two years ago, you didn’t need experts and look where that fucking got us.

You couldn’t just take the criticism, could you?

You couldn’t accept that when the guy actually swimming in that cave network says the gaps are too small for a 6ft long, rigid object (not you, the submarine) that he might be telling the truth.

On what basis are you calling him a ‘pedo’, because he wanted to help the kids?

In that case what was your real motivation then, to show off your latest toy?

Is that why you spat your dummy out because you weren’t allowed to play?

Grow up you fucking Trump supporting twat. The kids who were trapped in that cave are more adult than you’ll ever be.

And you’re named after shit pound shop deodorant, you cunt.

Facebook vigilantes are a strange phenomenon, I mean, before social media did they go around showing others pictures of people who had wronged them?

‘Check out this fat evil looking bastard, he kicked our Mandy’s cat!’

I’m not talking about actual vigilantes here like the ones who go around outing nonces and live streaming it, by the way, that’s a whole other article.

I’m also not having a go at people sharing videos of other people being pricks, like a jobsworth ‘Refuse Officer’ fining a single mum because her toddler dropped a chip, those bin dipping cunts deserve it.

What I take exception to is random pictures of members of the public with a description of some heinous act they’re supposed to have committed.

You know what I’m talking about when your mate Barry shares a grainy picture of a bus driver posted by Michelle from a town fifty miles away with the caption:

‘This sweaty prick wunt even help a woman wiv a pram get on the bus. Wanker! Lets make him famous!’

Within ten minutes her mates have already tarred and feathered the poor bastard and now they’ve suggested she makes the post public.

Kirsty: ‘Ew check him! I bet he beats his missus the fucking ugly cunt. I hope you’ve told the bus company x’

By the time you’ve shared the now three-month-old post the bus driver’s wife has probably left him taking the kids with her, he’s lost his job and is now a full-time alcoholic.

The twat might not even have done anything wrong, in fact, how do you know Michelle didn’t try going two stops down the road and paying with a fifty-pound note?

How do you know the driver just refused because he had no change and that Michelle is just a spiteful cunt?

The fact is you don’t do you? So stop fucking sharing this contextless bollocks!

The dust is settling over a Presidentless America again this morning.

He’s been busy weeding out fake news, pissing off Royals, playing golf, avoiding balloons, and patronising Scots on the other side of the world.

But back home FOX News is slowly losing its grasp over the masses. The psychic link is weak without Trump’s dulcet, bile filled tones placating them over the airwaves.

Americans are still under his hypnotic spell, just, but it’s waning. There’s only so much archive footage of Trump being a cunt, and it’s running out.

As a result, millions of Patriots will wake up today and inspect their MAGA caps before blindly wearing them.

They’ll ask themselves ‘what the fuck is this?’ or realise with horror that the guy off The Apprentice is their fucking President.

It’s far from over though. As soon as that blancmange Robotnik lands back in the US, the psychic link will be fully restored, and Americans will go back to seeing him as nothing less than the God of Stable Genius.

This is where Blighty steps in. For next 48 hours we need to remind our American cousins what Trump is.

Skype them, text them, or call them! Tell them they elected a racist dementia sufferer, an orange assaulter, a fucking narcissistic baby cager.

Let them know he’s a pussy grabbing wall coveter, a Matalan besuited, pea crushing, bollocks warbler. A fucking giant white eyed word muddler.

Don’t let them forget that he’s a woman hating, Mexican baiting, piss enthusiast. A Russian rimming, contempt brimming, walking fucking car crash.

Come on! It’s our only hope!

He with a face like a trodden pumpkin visited our Liz today, as part of his whistle stop tour of everywhere where people weren’t, safe in the knowledge that he wouldn’t be taunted by a giant sky reflection.

Liz 2 fucked up though, she didn’t massage the cunts ego by telling him he’s so strong, handsome, or powerful.

She didn’t bend the knee, call him ‘The Greatest’, or mock Killary’s pitiful 3 million vote majority.

She wouldn’t even let one of his miniscule claws anywhere near her fucking Crown Jewels.

President Pelican Neck is reportedly furious and is already telling FOX News what to write about England being such a stabby shit hole.

Such disrespect to the BLOTUS could literally set the special relationship back by tens of minutes, to when Treeza was a useless cunt and we had no US deal, until he found out we all read fucking papers.

National treasure and world class actress, HRH Queen Elizabeth II has asked Dame Helen Mirren to take her place when meeting President Trump later on today.

The Queen, who has been dreading Trump’s for visit for months is alleged to have said:

‘I’ve met some of the leaders of the harshest and most brutal regimes on earth, but one can’t bear speaking to that inbred fuck knuckle.’ Sources reveal.

Although President Trump has only seen The Queen portrayed in films and on a postage stamp, Dame Helen Mirren is reportedly nervous about the meeting.

‘I can act happy, sad, or furious, but being sincere to that 7ft twat jawed gimp is going to be a real challenge.’ She may have been overheard saying to an anonymous homeless man in Hartlepool.

It has also been reported that a caravan with a castle style fascia has been set up for the meeting 5 miles down the road from Buckingham Palace.

It is not yet known if Prince Philip will meet the President yet, or if they’ll just go with plan B and dig up Brucie.

Everytime I turn on a TV this walking diabetes warning is inexplicably there, promoting her new book which she hasn’t read, or offering up some of her vacuous musings on some shit she doesn’t know, like who the fucking Prime Minister is.

Currently she’s going around calling herself a a Diva, she’s not, she’s just an ignorant cunt who happens to be a bit rude.

I’m sick of it, we used to respect intelligence, listen to experts and laud academics, not worship half witted simpletons who won the reality lottery by fucking on TV, or wanking off a horse.

Everytime I glance one of these cunts out of the corner of my eye, or hear their high pitched bollocks squeals I can actually feel my IQ lowering, like the temperature in a Brexit meeting when Treeza sits down.

Don’t bother educating your kids and discourage them from learning any life skills.

Why fucking bother when they can just make a career out of flicking their hair, saying ‘sumfink’ and giggling like lobotomised hyenas?

Like a shit Doctor Who, Nigel Farage has threatened to regenerate once more into the ‘new’ leader of the fringe party of insignificance,  UKIP.

Apparently the ronsealed bufondae feels ‘betrayed’ by the ‘government’s sell-out’.

Good, now you know how we fucking feel after being betrayed by you and that cunt with a bus.

Exactly what the Question Time co-host hopes to achieve is beyond me.

That tweed clad bargain bin Joker has more influence on his LBC radio show than he does leading a clunge of Union Jack tea pot collectors.

Forget it mate. Accept that you were the architect of Britain’s demise and move on. It’s fucked, and no amount of sellotape and bullshit can fix it.

You just stick to being complacent with Trump’s abhorrent policies whilst being offended by balloons, you country fucking cunt.

Jeremy Hunt was promoted to the role of Foreign Secretary earlier today, after Boris Johnson tendered his resignation over Brexit disagreements.

The vacancy of Foreign Secretary has been filled by Docter Josef Mengele, who has a proven track record on government driven results.

A government spokesperson said:

‘The NHS needs to be pushed into a new gentler direction. We’ve listened to the concerns of the public and now is the time to act. Doctor Mengele is the perfect vehicle to drive our heath service  along on its new journey.’

The new Health Secretary wasn’t available for comment but sources say he’s ‘keen to get straight to work’ and has ‘many innovative ways in which to reduce hospital waiting times.’

More to follow.

Earlier today Bojo the clown fucked off back to the circus, leaving a massive, gaping Foreign Secretary hole for Treeza May (not be Prime Minister by morning) to fill.

Her choices are numbered as she’s getting more resignations than a leaflet distribution centre after a new warehouse opens in town.

Like the fat kid in a school football team selection, only walking smirk and luxury bathroom enthusiast, Jeremy Hunt was left for her to pick.

His promotion from Health Secretary will give doctors and nurses accross the country a collective sign of relief.

As we speak there are reports of 6 doctors trashing an Ikea, and a nurse ruining an ambulance in celebration.

It hasn’t yet been announced who is next in line to fuck over the NHS yet but a decision is expected by morning.

It’s glorious isn’t it? Like a really fucking dull Night of the Long Knives in reverse, where they all top themselves just to topple the Führer.

The Conservative party is collapsing quicker than a Thai football coach’s confidence in a wet cave.

It’s broken, kaput, fucked. Like a Python parrot, or a  Rolf Harris career, it is no more.

First Brexit Secretary David Davis, who probably spent more time negotiating his fucking gas bill with Npower than he ever did with Europe.

And now Boris the twat jawed gimp, the latest to step up and stab the hag. They’re dropping like E’s in a dorm.

There’s no hiding this one. Even if everyone in fucking Salisbury gets poisoned. Like Big Narstie on every fucking tv channel, this won’t go away.

Tick tock Mrs. May, tick tock.