Media successfully find someone who didn’t already think all professional cyclists were on drugs

Shocking news broke this week that not everyone in the UK considers professional cyclists to be routine drug users.

Other media outlets this week considered they had found an adult with an undamaged ability to perceive the world, who actually considers professional cycling to be a competitive sport without drug use.

“I find the notion that cyclists would routinely take an opiate/amphetamine combination drug to maintain endurance and decrease pain ridiculous,” said Imogen Grant, on tape, to a proper news outfit. We’re seriously, this wasn’t in the Canary, it was a proper story, in a proper paper. No, not the Mail, a proper paper.

“As for the idea that cyclists would use supplements to develop their VO2 artificially, or in any way do anything that wasn’t just peddling lots and getting really good at peddling lots, that’s nonsense,” said Imogen, who we understand prefers her nickname Immy.

Ms Grant’s opinion runs contrary to official guidance, whereby Team Sky are so called because either (a) they are high as the sky; (b) as high as you’d have to be to pay for Sky; or (c) a non-libellous option which is definitely the right option.

A much needed dose of realism was brought by man of the people, the unknighted Nigel Farage, speaking, as ever, on Question Time.

Farage said, “Immy? Immy Grant? Need I say more? I don’t even need to see her to know she’s a bit shady.”

Religion is stupid, confirms Jesus

Religion is very stupid and the way you practice it is frankly divisive, said Jesus.

His good friend, Mohammad, agreed wholeheartedly, adding “seriously, some of you are utter, utter, bellends, the way you misuse your faith. It’s more embarrassing than being judged by modern standards for ideas we came up with in a different time. Like don’t get drunk when it’s hot, I mean, I didn’t know Benidorm existed when I came up with that. But it’s still a good idea.”

Abraham concurred, saying, “I mean, shellfish, you know, who hasn’t had a dodgy prawn in hot climate? And who wants to burn up and look like a lobster? That’s not Kosher. But obviously, what we were actually getting was, don’t be a selfish shellfish. I.e. don’t be a twat.”

Buddha also agreed, adding “come on, if I am not an inspiration to stop putting shit on your sodding dating profiles about CrossFit and Tough Mudder, and boring the bollocks off everyone with your beige chat, I mean Jesus! Well he agrees.”

Laughing, Jesus said “yeah, fat lad got it right. Listen, I know better than anyone how to nail someone, right, and stand on me, you do not want to be going on about your training times, just take them for a meal, it worked for me, it works for Buddha, just have it large, first date, last supper, get banging those nails in. Quit doubting before the cock has had a chance to crow.”

All four we spoke to agreed vehemently that if you want to believe in God, maybe what you could do is pray to show gratitude for what you’ve got rather than (a) asking for something or (b) using God’s name as an excuse to be an utter cunt.

Jesus had the final words for us, adding “same goes for you sodding vegans, I’d throw you lot to the lions. Ask a lion if it wants to watch Cowspiracy and start eating lentils, you fundamentalist berks.”

Religion is stupid, confirms Jesus

Religion is very stupid and the way you practice it is frankly divisive, said Jesus.

His good friend, Mohammad, agreed wholeheartedly, adding “seriously, some of you are utter, utter, bellends, the way you misuse your faith. It’s more embarrassing than being judged by modern standards for ideas we came up with in a different time. Like don’t get drunk when it’s hot, I mean, I didn’t know Benidorm existed when I came up with that. But it’s still a good idea.”

Abraham concurred, saying, “I mean, shellfish, you know, who hasn’t had a dodgy prawn in hot climate? And who wants to burn up and look like a lobster? That’s not Kosher. But obviously, what we were actually getting was, don’t be a selfish shellfish. I.e. don’t be a twat.”

Buddha also agreed, adding “come on, if I am not an inspiration to stop putting shit on your sodding dating profiles about CrossFit and Tough Mudder, and boring the bollocks off everyone with your beige chat, I mean Jesus! Well he agrees.”

Laughing, Jesus said “yeah, fat lad got it right. Listen, I know better than anyone how to nail someone, right, and stand on me, you do not want to be going on about your training times, just take them for a meal, it worked for me, it works for Buddha, just have it large, first date, last supper, get banging those nails in. Quit doubting before the cock has had a chance to crow.”

All four we spoke to agreed vehemently that if you want to believe in God, maybe what you could do is pray to show gratitude for what you’ve got rather than (a) asking for something or (b) using God’s name as an excuse to be an utter cunt.

Jesus had the final words for us, adding “same goes for you sodding vegans, I’d throw you lot to the lions. Ask a lion if it wants to watch Cowspiracy and start eating lentils, you fundamentalist berks.”

Thanks for using Amazon’s tax avoidance as an excuse to not buy a kid a present

Your virtue signalling has been noted and we all think you’re being a bit of a cunt.

A couple of days ago I posted an article that said that every time you reminded me that our campaign to buy kids in poverty a Christmas gift was being fulfilled by Amazon a fairy died and a child didn’t get a Christmas present.

Fuck me the virtue signallers didn’t disappoint did they? Up they lined in their hair shirts to tell us how virtuous us they all are for boycotting Amazon, they also did some finger wagging and tutting before being told to shut it or fuck off.

It’s all well and good banging on about inequality but if your main goal is to try to stop people buying gifts for kids cowering in a domestic violence shelter or shivering in some shit bed and breakfast on Christmas morning you’re being a cunt and frankly you can get tae fuck.

Because, get this, you lunatics have now bought 16,000 gifts worth £113,000 and it’s still going.

Mission Christmas in Leeds has, thanks to the 4,000 Christmas presents you sent them hit their target to give 24,000 kids in West Yorkshire a Christmas, Mission Christmas in Manchester has had even more. Every child in Rochdale known to social services got a present thanks to the 2,500 you sent them.

The same is going in Burnley, Newcastle, Liverpool, Fife, Rotherham Reading, Southend and Colchester. Thousands upon thousands of Christmases.

There’s still time to donate a gift because Mission Christmas in Sheffield will still be accepting presents until Friday. So go to www.satireaid.co.uk choose a gift from the Amazon wish list and choose the gift registry address on checkout.

Job done. And if you don’t want to because you think Amazon are dicks that’s fine, try keeping it to yourself, going to a toyshop buying a gift and giving it to a toy drive. They exist all over the country.

And if you don’t follow our friends who came up with this at The Rochdale Herald and our pals at NewsThump, Angry People in Local Papers and The Southend News Network you should.

If you can’t afford to buy a gift there’s still stuff  you can do. Give this post a share, tell your mates or just be nice to somebody and wish them a Happy Christmas.

Merry fuckity Christmas.

Every time somebody says ‘but it’s Amazon’ a fairy dies and a child doesn’t get a present at Christmas

Every time a twat says “but it’s Amazon” a fucking fairy dies and a child doesn’t get a present this Christmas.

I’ve been banging on about poverty this year pretty much non-stop and you all seem to be pretty much in agreement with me on this. The fact that there are kids without fucking shoes in a first world country is a fucking outrage.

I can guarantee you this. The parents who’ve been left behind by this thundering clusterfuck of a government and can’t afford to buy their children a pair of shoes are going to be either choosing between buying a pack of pissing crayons or eating food this Christmas.

All the time I hear people whining “somebody should do something” well here’s a thought; why don’t WE do something about it.

Together with our friends at The Rochdale Herald, NewsThump, The Southend News Network, Angry People in Local Newspapers and the really weird Garlic Bread Memes we’ve done just that.

We set up an Amazon wish list with a bunch of toys on it and put the delivery address for several different charities, including Barnardos and Salvation Army, who are distributing presents to kids without a pot to piss in and; fuck me sideways; you heroes have bought 23,000 presents worth about £155,000 quid so far!

BUT. We can still do more. There are about 40,000 children in Yorkshire and Lancashire alone that are living below the poverty line. So while we’re feeling pretty chuffed to have done what we’ve done there’s still loads more to do.

If you can afford £1.23 you can go on our wishlist and buy a packet of crayons and a kid will be playing with them on Christmas morning. If you can afford more there are loads of options available on the list to suit any and all budgets.

If you genuinely can’t afford to buy anything, then you can still do something. Share this appeal. Tweet this appeal. Tell your friends to go to www.satireaid.co.uk and buy something. It’s that simple.

And before you say “but it’s Amazon” I fucking know. But if you have another way of instantly buying 10,000 presents for children with holes in their socks a gift in the next three fucking days, I’m all ears.

In the meantime, suck it up, don’t be a cunt and get involved.

Daily Telegraph feed on their own as apparently none of them can remember what happened to Jo Cox

I fucking hate people who can’t do their jobs. It’s more people than you think. Some days I think the whole of London is stacked neck-high with nothing but blue-suited oxygen thieves jockeying for position near to an open wallet. They are the kind of un-flushable turd that simply reappears in a new position without having done what they were supposed to do in the last one. And that brings me nicely to these twats.

There has been something amusing about The Telegraph’s 20 year-long suicidal strangle-wank into obscurity. But now there is something dangerously wrong with those spunk-puffins and all the female-friendly lifestyle supplements in the World can’t hide it.

They did once serve a purpose. Good sports section; couple of crosswords; brilliant cartoonist; oh yes, and a letters page where middle-England could do indignation bukakke when anyone mentioned closing Grammar Schools. But when the fuck did they slip into the void left when The Sun stopped handing out free colouring pencils?

Do I have to be associated with this omni-directional spunk mortar? If I believe in the free market, the rights of the individual, small Government and the rule of law, does it automatically make me one of these shit-heads? Because yesterday they went too far.

These fucktards appointed themselves Block Captain for the right wing militia and did a 2 page, full colour, witch-hunt special. On page 4 there was a cut-out-and-keep Nazi arm band and directions to where you can shove your better judgement.

Apparently the “thoughts and prayers” that went to the family and friends of Jo Cox didn’t include a single fucking one about not turning individuals into scapegoats on a political, and real, knife-edge.

But just ask yourself a few questions. Who the fuck works there now? Why the fuck? And, do you think anyone would fucking own up to it if they did?

There are times when you wonder if the Tories and their rags could display worse judgement if they tried. Well it seems they are trying.

Sweet Jesus make it stop, you fucking bellends!