Boris Johnson discovers he’s the direct descendant of a discarded ham sandwhich in a dirty laundry basket
Who Do You Think You Are? Have been in touch with the former Foreign Secretary after Danny Dyer’s recent success story, and it turns out he’s just a scruffy, careerist, bollocks-waffling cunt.
Unlike King Danny, it transpires that Mr. Johnson’s beginnings are much more humble, in fact, the silver backed twat’s lineage can be traced directly back to a half eaten sandwhich chucked in a manky laundry bin.
Even more fascinating was the relevation that his DNA, extracted from a rogue hair after he’d moulted on a Chesterfield, proved ‘inconclusive’ when matched with that of a regular human.
It turns out Mr. Johnson belongs to a very close relative of homo sapiens, which have recently been Christened homo malum, or bipedal catastrophe in English, which makes his existing monicker of buffoned shit gibbon all the more meaningful.