Southern nancies shitting themselves over 1cm of fluffy white snow
Fuck me, a solitary snowflake landed on a pavement in Reading, stop the presses, this is the news for the next three weeks.
We’ll be bombarded with headlines about chaos, travel disruption and time off work now. Satire sites, including this one, will make weary jokes about rear wheel drive cars.
Fucking time off work? If I’d had told my boss I wasn’t coming in last week when we had that proper northern snow he’d have told me to get cunted.
Walk for fuck’s sake, stop prancing about in skis like the attention seeking fuckwits you are and put some fucking boots on.
You don’t need to drive at 2mph either, that salt spreader you probably hilariously named ‘Gary Gritter’ in an online competition has made your roads as safe as shandy, you eel munching pussies.
Christ I hope it doesn’t last longer than a day or it will be 2008 all over again, still, I suppose your bare Waitrose shelves is good preparation for Brexit.