Jacob Rees-Mogg first appeared after someone opened a cursed first edition Dickens novel whilst whistling Ring a Ring o’ Roses

Jacob Rees-Mogg first appeared after someone opened a cursed first edition Dickens novel whilst whistling Ring a Ring o’ Roses

21st November 2018 Off By Tuckered

Jacob Rees-Mogg, or ‘JRM’ for convenience, or ‘cunt’ for pleasure, was reportedly born without tear ducts.

He couldn’t cry until the age of 35, when he had new tear ducts transplanted from a 13 year old chimney sweep called Roger.

To this day he’s had ‘no cause’ to test if they work or not.

Not much else is known about Rees-Mogg, other than that up until December 1953, he existed purely as an entity in the steam engines section of a little known haunted library in Durham.

Rumour has it that he appeared in our realm after someone unknowingly opened a cursed first edition Dickens novel, whilst whistling Ring a Ring o’ Roses.

His physical manifestation dictates that he must always appear in a double breasted suit, with round spectacles, and must only ever travel by penny farthing.

He believes that if he were to exceed 15mph that his eyes would explode. He’s never travelled by horseless carriage.

He rarely drinks, only partaking in a goblet of mead on Queen Victoria’s birthday, and survives only on a diet of mock turtle soup and fantastical jelly shapes.

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