Tories appoint new suicide minister to make sure you’re doing it right

Tories appoint new suicide minister to make sure you’re doing it right

11th October 2018 0 By Tuckered

Universal credit, austerity, and generally being cold hearted bastards isn’t effective enough, says a leading government watch dog.

So this week the Conservatives are considering creating a new ministerial role to oversee suicides, a source says.

A government spokescunt said:

“We’ve tried sanctioning people for being two minutes late to jobcentre meetings so they can’t feed their kids.

Starving people, evicting them, and even demonising them in the media, yet they’re just not taking the hint.

We thought universal credit would be a massive success and we were confident it would do the trick.

By giving people with drug dependencies and mental health issues the responsibility of paying their own rent, we were sure they’d just end up topping themselves.

It wasn’t to be though, poor people are a surprisingly resilient bunch and they just end up on the streets addicted to spice. Quite frankly it’s very unsightly.

There’s millions of them now and we are commited to clearing up those streets.”

The new minister will be responsible for implementing a raft of new ideas to make your life worse, submitted by a pro Brexit think tank.

Previous successful suggestions have included anti homelessness spikes.

Metal bars bolted to the middle of benches so that people can’t lie down.

And that annoying plastic packaging you get with a new pair of scissors, which frustratingly you need a pair of scissors to get into.

The new minister will be a completely separate entity from the recently appointed Minister of Suicide Prevention.

As well as making jokes about suicide, her role will mostly centre around making middle class people feel better about losing their businesses after Brexit.