You’re not going to get the clap off a ladybird for fuck’s sake
Generally I like this time of year. The early dark nights and thick morning fog etc.
I don’t like summer and never have. I actually think I’ve got the opposite of SAD.
I prefer miserable weather as it matches my dour personality.
Bonfire night and Halloween are just around the corner, yet the fucking Christmas Markets are still feel comfortably far away enough.
What I don’t like however, are the traditional and predictable annual news stories.
The Daily Express is about to report on an impending Ice Age for example, whilst the Sun will show you big fuck off house spiders that’ll render you limbless with one bite.
But, for now, it’s The Mirror, with their attention grabbing headlines about AIDS ridden ladybirds.
Yes. The fucking ladybirds are coming in their droves, and they’re going to soak your eiderdown in their putrid, diseased bug spunk.
They’re just like our ladybirds but foreign and with opposite colours, like flying bastards from an evil pararellel universe intent on fucking all over your curtains.
Do not open your windows or doors!
Do not leave your house! They have STDs!
Listen. If you’re worried about catching the clap off a ladybird then you need to go back to school and study Biology.
I’d also be massively concerned about the size of your manhood if you plan on fucking an insect.
They’re bugs for fuck’s sake. Yes there’s lots of them, but I’m sure if you notice a few in your living room and close your window, that will be the end of it.
Yes, you can still fucking go in your garden and sunbathe, but it will be pissing it down this time next week anyway, so stop fucking panicking you headline reading cunts.