If your kids won’t stop playing Fortnite then fucking parent them!

I know we’re not in 1870, or Reese-Mogg Manor where children, if not with the nanny, should be seen and not heard, but come on!

“Jonny has been playing Fortnight for 63 hours solid! He’s shat himself and won’t eat his tea. When I ask him stop he spits at me and calls me a twat.”

Well I’m sorry love but little Jonny is a cunt and you’re a shit mum. Yeast would do a better job at raising your fucking kids than you.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Punishing kids is the easiest it has ever been!

Fuck breaking a sweat with your slipper, just take the fucking phone away, or the power lead for the PS4.

If you’re going to let a 10 year old rule the roost then do us all a favour and bag up.

I know some kids have issues with ADHD and other disorders, but I’d happily let them assault me or smash up the room rather than give in to them playing a fucking game for three days solid. Get a fucking grip.

Council BANS man from displaying ENGLAND flags

Because he didn’t have fucking planning permission.

The only flags the council are going to ban you from showing are the kind you put on the fucking ground without the relevant planning permission.

It’s the same old shit every fucking time, St. George’s Day, The World Cup, in fact, any kind of celebration around being English.

Nobody gives a fuck! Muslims, the council, the government. No one. So stop playing the fucking victims.

If you want to dress as a giant red and white twat with matching face paint then go for it.

If you want to drape your house in a massive red cross, go for it, but don’t act all clueless when victims of a natural disaster come knocking on your fucking door.

“But, but, the taxi drivers!” Are you a cunting taxi driver? Does them not having car flags ruin your shit bedroom Window display? No it doesn’t, so stop fucking whining, you offended by proxy cunts.

Put your Daily Mail down, get your face paint on and your flag cape and walk around shouting Vindaloo for a week or two, it’ll be a nice break from listening to you all moan about Tommy fucking Robinson.

I’m only writing about Chris Chope because I found a stock image more ancient than his views on women’s rights

Sir Christopher Chope, whose last name sounds like some sort of dubious penile polyp, has been thrust before my eyes against my will, like cellulite on a beach.

For a (mostly) political satire page I’m admittedly a bit shit at politicking. The more time passes the less engaged I become.

Keeping an eye on the progress of twats from one day to the next can become quite boring, unless you’re a gynecologist of course, and like one on the cusp of retirement, eagerly waiting to swap his speculum for golf clubs, I’ve missed one of the most diseased cunts of my career.

Sir Christopher Chope, whose last name sounds like some sort of dubious penile polyp, has been thrust before my eyes against my will, like cellulite on a beach.

Today he objected to a bill making upskirting  illegal, which the tories had already indicated would be passed into law.

Who knew such big issues could be derailed after months of hard work with just one shout of ‘objection’?

Where the fuck was this prick when the Brexit referendum was just a twinkle in a pig fucker’s eye?

He’s got previous too, his voting record looks it fell it out of a preview script from Season Three of The Handmaid’s Tale, voting against everything decent from equal pay to gay marriage.

Allegedly he even once objected to a Hillsborough debate in favour of discussing MP’s pensions.

This is why I can’t be fucked with politics anymore.

They’re all self satirising, Victorian arse holes, who could literally take a shit on a Cenotaph to chants of fucking “Free Tommeh!”

Because if I don’t give a shit you can bet the majority of Brits don’t.

How are Daily Express readers going to blame 4,600 Rolls-Royce job losses on Amazon?

“The High Street has been dyin for years, everyone shops online nowadays. If you want a new Trent 1000 engine you just order it off Amazon innit.”

In a week where 99p Planet couldn’t afford to bail out Poundworld because they were a penny shy, Rolls-Royce have announced 4,600 job losses over the next two years.

Now I’m not saying it’s because of Brexit, but it’s because of fucking Brexit, although I can already picture the Tory spin now;

“Fewer people will be travelling to and from Europe, which means fewer aeroplanes and therefor less Rolls Royce engines will be needed, it makes perfect economic sense. Besides, we need an estimated 4,500 strawberry pickers so it really is win win.”

I don’t know what the comments section of The Daily Express will look like though, as those flag clad, dragon destroying, vacant petri dishes appear to blame everything on Amazon.

I’m guessing something like this:

“Jus waiting for all the remoaners lol! Its nuffink to do wiv Brexit ffs!

“The High Street has been dyin for years, everyone shops online nowadays. If you want a new Trent 1000 engine you just order it off Amazon innit.”

To be fair maybe it’s nothing to with Brexit. Maybe all these job losses, store closures and head office relocations are all just massive coincidences.

I’m sure as soon as we’ve left the EU they’ll all come begging with their tales between their legs for a crack at our post Brexit utopia.