Boys will never know the horror of a VHS danger wank while mum nips to the shop

Boys will never know the horror of a VHS danger wank while mum nips to the shop

24th June 2018 0 By Tuckered

Teenagers today don’t understand how privileged they are.

Yes you can block porn with your ISP and crack on with your decade, knowing that the internet will safely bring up that hermit you call a son, last seen three years ago.

But whilst you were still getting your head around the Halifax banking app, that sweaty friendless room hobo was learning about VPNs and hacking the CIA.

Sorry to break it you but little Mickey has been wanking like it’s going out of fashion, and when he eventually leaves for uni you’re going to get buried under an avalanche of cum soaked Andrex when you prise open the door of his room.

Honestly, they don’t know they’re fucking born do they? They’ll never know the pleasure of finding a discarded copy of The Sun in a hedge.

Or the meticulous military style planning needed for a home based fap.

Back in the day we had a ten minute window. Mum would say she’s going out for milk and that was a sign that we were staying in to milk.

It went like this:

1. Wait for the sound of the car engine.

2. Run down stairs faster than the wind.

3. Grab the nearest video cassette with tits, usually Trading Places.

4. Fast forward to the bit where Jamie Lee Curtis gets her baps out.

5. Pause and enjoy. I use enjoy loosely because looking at a paused video felt like you were having a seizure, but you only had 2 minutes left.

6. Pants up, eject tape, run upstairs.

That was is it! Imagine that, you’re 13 years old and need to masturbate at least 6 times a day but this is all we fucking had.

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