Police called to McDonald’s after 4 hour standoff between Diane Abbott and a server who asked if she’d like fries

Police called to McDonald’s after 4 hour standoff between Diane Abbott and a server who asked if she’d like fries

Fuck me. Another day, another Diane Abbott balls up. She’s got more gaffs than Jeremy Hunt for Christ’s sake.

Honestly, it’s close to local elections so can we please just let stop her doing fucking interviews?

I know she gets more stick than a match factory, but she fucking deserves it.

Piers wasn’t even being a cunt this time, do you know how fucking hard that is for him?

“Should illegal immigrants be deported or remain?” was the question, and the answer, as always was 789,546,000.

Honestly, I know she’s achieved a hell of lot in her political career, but she’s the Shadow Home Secretary!

Either have an answer ready woman, or don’t go on tele.

She might just be shit at interviews, who knows, but the more I see her, the more I wish she’d hand in her fucking shadow resignation.

Sajid Javid promoted to Human Shield

The Disney vulture’s cabinet is starting to look like it was bought from Ikea and built by a blind, one armed, organutan with no instructions.

Amber Rudd has finally stepped down as Home Secretary for the racist, far right, immigration policies implemented by her predessor, Teflon May.

With more resignations under her belt than in a typical UKIP week, the Disney vulture’s cabinet is starting to look like it was bought from Ikea and built by a blind, one armed organutan with no instructions.

Treeza will no doubt miss Rudd, who discovered she’d resigned on her way to work this morning, as she’s spent the last few years being scape goated more than a fucking Scouser in a Police line up.

She even appeared for a televised grilling on behalf of May after a personal tragedy. In the back stabbing world of a tory front bench, it seems such loyalty counts for nothing.

So good luck Saj, get your fucking apologies prepped son for when you start getting blamed for things you had no part of in 2010.

I can’t see May lasting much longer before the knives are drawn though, so you might be on with a shot.

If you find my keys DO NOT post a picture of them in a Facebook For Sale or Swaps Group

Who decided that you’re the Judge, jury and executioner of the fucking lost property bin?

Has everyone lost the fucking plot?

Back in the days when common sense was a lot more common, if you found something, you handed it in to the shop/restaurant/bus company where you discovered it.

Typically when I lose something I retrace my steps and call all the places I’ve recently been, and if that’s fruitless, I call the local Police station.

I don’t request to become a member of every local Facebook For Sale or Swaps Group in the hope that some gold hearted, semi brained, wank spaniel has taken it home.

Stop it! You’re basically fucking stealing things you dumb fucks, regardless of how nice you think you’re being you’re taking someone’s phone, debit card or wallet home.

Who decided that you’re the Judge, jury and executioner of the fucking lost property bin? What if the person doesn’t even have Facebook?

Do you wait a fortnight and then determine that the £700 phone you’ve suddenly acquired isn’t wanted and so it’s now yours?

Or do you eventually hand it in to police after the rightful owner has lost all hope?

Patriots are dicks

I equate patriotism to religion. You’re basically proud of your parents shagging here then staying.

Why are people proud of being British, of a flag, and a leeching Monarchy?

Rewind back to the 90’s and being a Patriot  was a whole different story. It was a celebration of culture, things like the mini, Brit pop and art etc.

Now Britain feels cold, divisive and isolated. Fuck culture, we’re all about the flag and dreams of a 40’s all white Utopia that never fucking existed.

I equate patriotism to religion. You’re basically proud of your parents shagging here then staying.

If you happened to be born in Pakistan you’d most likely be a Muslim, likewise if you were born in Ireland you probably won’t be worshipping Vishnu.

You’re proud of chance, which is fucking madness.  If you find a tenner on the floor you’re happy for a fleeting moment, but you don’t celebrate it for the rest of your life with a superiority complex.

You may be proud of winning World War II, why? YOU didn’t fucking win it, YOU probably  weren’t even a fucking Tinder swipe in a horny fucker’s eye.

Maybe it’s the olden days you crave? Simpler times when we all lived in a Manor, with staff on hand, games of cricket on the green and a fucking Bently on the drive?

Well I’ve got new for you sunshine, if you work in a call centre today, then this was never the life your family had.

Back then your relatives were probably working 60 hours down a mine with no weekends, healthcare, or barely enough money to feed their family. Wave your fucking flags to that.

Maybe you’re proud of Britain now? If you are then you’re as dense as diamond.

Yeah let’s have a street party and celebrate child poverty, mass homelessness and Naziesque deportations. Gawd bless the Queen!

The Home Office should just rebrand to The Go Home Office

The Home Office should just rebrand to The Go Home Office

Either Amber Rudd is lying through her teeth, or she’s got early onset dementia. She can’t remember a fucking thing, like what she does at work all day.

If she’s lying, can’t remember, or simply doesn’t know what happens in her own department then why the fuck is she still in the job?

If I gave any of those excuses to my gaffer, he’d have me up in front HR quicker than if I’d grabbed the receptionist’s arse whilst shouting “Owzit sugar tits?”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that Rudd is merely Darth Vader to May’s Emperor Palpatine, but that haggered psychopath should fuck off too.

In fact, the only reason I’m not raging about May not resigning is the knowledge that she’ll likely be replaced with the MP for 1828, Jacob Double-Barreled Cunt.

They should just stop pretending. Fuck it, it’s Brexit Britain! Let’s take it all back, put the flags out, change The Home Office to the Go Home Office and make anyone who didn’t come over on a Roman boat wear a fucking  badge.

Oh, remember the important issue though, Jeremy Corbyn is anti-Semitic.

I wish her balls would fully drop so her voice finally breaks

It’s like having a cocaine fuelled candle lit wank to a damp black and white image of a pair of legs, crudely torn from the lingerie section of your nan’s catalogue. It’s fucking difficult.

I’m struggling to engage with politics at the moment, which is a shitty position to be in when you’re trying to run a failing satire site.

Giving any attention to these besuited morons, flinging shit at each other in their human zoo, whilst jeering and grinning maniacally as they jack boot us in the face is exhausting.

Even Question Time is a chore nowadays, especially when you realise half the audience are Tory MP’s ‘disquised’ as normal folk, by wearing something from the fucking Georgio ArAsda range.

It’s like having a cocaine fuelled candle lit wank to a damp black and white image of a pair of legs, crudely torn from the lingerie section of your nan’s catalogue. It’s fucking difficult.

Nonetheless I tried by catching the ‘highlights’ of PMQ’s from the Channel 4 News Facebook page earlier today.

Nothing has changed much, Corbyn is angry and righteous but still fucks up the odd word and delivers his points with all the gravitas of a lost tourist asking for directions.

The front bench still sit there acting like spoilt kids who are being punished by having their iPhones confiscated, whilst shouting incomprehensible moans like dying men in nursing home who hate the fucking mashed potatoes, but can’t articulate it to the nurse.

And then there’s May. Standing there with that perpetual smirk, like the cat that murdered the milk man to get the fucking cream.

Still oozing that facade of confidence as if she’s liked, or even respected. Still somehow floating on the surface giving the illusion of strength and stability, whilst her webbed Louis Vuitton clad feet flail beneath the water.

It’s the same old shit, a bullet pointed list of Labour slurs about managing the economy that’s been photocopied so many times it’s turned black enough to be deported.

Her shrill hate spout still churning out bile and superiority, with all the relish of a pubescent school boy explaining Fortnite to his bored mam, as her half mooned eye sacks dance playfully on her spherical botoxed cheeks.

Nothing has changed. I doubt it ever will.

The House of Lords are like The Avengers only made out of dust

The House of Lords saved your human rights after this callous, racist, poor hating, homeless causing, shower of millionaire cunts tried to take them away.

I used to hate The House of Lords. The thought of unelected old people making all the decisions, like militant grandparents, made me feel a bit sick.

After all, when did your grandma ever make a good fucking decision?

“Aye nan yeah, you were right, this jumper is perfect and the Sega Megadrive definitely wouldn’t have kept me warm.”

“Are you sure this liver and onions is better for me than McDonald’s? Only it tastes like burnt tinfoil in a fucking battery acid jus.”

Don’t get me wrong, them getting 300 quid a day for having a nap angers me more than a fucking Hungry House advert, but the more they vote, the more I seem to appreciate them.

Not in petty way because I’m anti Brexit, anti  Tories and anti Theresa May and I revel in the government’s defeats for the sake of it, but because they’re voting, by decent majorities, with common sense.

From the outside it looks like they actually give a shit about Britain’s future and its people.

Today they saved your human rights.  Put that into perspective. Soak it in.

The House of Lords saved your human rights after this callous, racist, poor hating, homeless causing, shower of millionaire cunts tried to take them away.

Not all super heroes wear capes. Some use a walking frame and fall asleep after five minutes, but thank you anyway Britain’s grandparents, even though you’re all still super privileged auld cunts, you’ve got our backs.

TENS of ribbons to go un-cut as William takes two weeks Paternity Leave

TENS of ribbons to go un-cut as William takes two weeks Paternity Leave

Britain is in CRISIS after The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to sprog number 3, HRH The Prince of Cambridge, earlier today.

An estimated 12-23 ribbons will sadly go uncut and a further 3 seeds will remain un-planted, putting The Queen’s Commonwealth Canopy at serious risk.

Prince Harry, who would usually step up and cover his elder brother’s Royal responsibilities in times of need, is currently Wedding cake shopping in Vegas.

A Royal aid who wishes to remain anonymous said:

“William wouldn’t usually bother taking pat leave, but since the government stopped benefits at two kiddies he’s fuming. He said he’s going to get everything he’s entitled to this time.”

Buckingham Palace has so far declined to comment, but the rumour mill is alive with suggestions that lesser Royals are being trained up to use scissors and converse with the peasants.

More as we get it.

Outrage as newborn HRH The Prince of Cambridge named MOHAMED

Outrage as newborn HRH The Prince of Cambridge named MOHAMED

Just moments ago, The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to her third child, a boy, on St. George’s day.

Thousands of people lined the streets dressed as tea towels to excitedly greet the new Royal addition outside St. Mary’s hospital in Paddington.

The jubilant mood soon turned into a scene of carnage however, as Prince William greeted the media to deliver the news that the fifth in line to the throne has been named Mohammed.

He explained that the decision was to reflect a more modern and inclusive Royal family, which was sadly met with a wave of outrage.

Unemployed, pot bellied flag waver, Geoff said:

“It’s a disgrace. I’ve travelled here from across the road and they’ve gone and named  him Asian.  What’s happened to this country?”

Ar the time of writing mass riots have broken  out across the city.

More to follow.

Jeremy Corbyn thrilled that the Duchess of Cambridge is now in LABOUR

Jeremy Corbyn thrilled that the Duchess of Cambridge is now in LABOUR

National news outlets are reporting that the Duchess of Cambridge has ‘gone into Labour’ and the leader of the opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, is said to be ‘ecstatic’.

In a since deleted Tweet, the Nazi, Communist, spying, Hamas member said:

“Wonderful news about the Duchess joining our movement and on St. George’s too! Who knows, maybe I’ll even become a Royalist soon lol x.”

The celebration was short lived however, as thousands of people quickly pointed out that she is in fact having a baby.

To save embarrassment, Diane Abbott quickly Tweeted:

“Congratulations on the new Royal twins expected today! St. Patrick’s Day is an amazing day for Prince Harry to give birth.”

Currently millions of twats, clad in flags, are eagerly waiting outside the hospital like fucking idiots.

Updates to follow.