Right wing mysogonistic bigot interviews Jim Davidson

Right wing mysogonistic bigot interviews Jim Davidson

An interview between walking big toe and opinionated bin dipper, Piers Morgan, and the wisky cheeked comedic relic, Jim Davidson, will air on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories on ITV tonight.

It has been reported that Davidson will reprise his once famous ‘Chalky’ character, a charicature of someone from the West Indies only lacking in traditional black face to deem it too inappropriate for the channel of brain dead fuckards, which he last performed in the 70’s when he looked like a shit David Bowie tribute.

The bloated womanizer will probably go on to describe how his many wives have stripped him of his wealth, without taking any responsibly for being a repulsive, boozy, cunt.

The program may or may not end with the two smug, self satisfied, hyper cunts having a congratulatory circle jerk over a massive blown up picture of Bernard Manning. Who knows? Who fucking cares?

If you checked in at A&E on Facebook do you really need to be there?

With NHS resources being stretched further than the truth from the mouth of a politician, you have to ask yourself is it really an emergency when you check in on Facebook, only to confirm that you’re ok and that you’ll PM all your concerned friends back.

I mean, no one ever seems to check in if they’ve been run over, had an overdose, or are suffering from a massive coronary heart attack do they?

John Smith – Checked in at A&E

Paul Jones: “Hope everything’s alright bud?”

John Smith: “Yeah, I’ll be fine mate, just had a bit of bump and they’re just removing a wiper blade from my lower intestine.”

Maybe Facebook should just team up with the NHS, so that when someone checks in at an A&E the reception and security staff are notified and can tell them to fuck off home with their bruised finger or sore throat.

All news and current affairs to be replaced with pictures of angry notes on windsreens

The perpetrators are often fuck brained degenerates who struggle to grasp simple concepts like the role of emergency services, or how parking lines work, yet amazingly they manage to put pen to paper and shit out coherence.

People are sick of Brexit, the snow has melted and Trump could literally drop his trousers, squat, and do a massive shit live on TV and no one would bat a fucking eye lid. There is no news left, we’ve run out.

Nevermind though, there’s always angry notes left on car windcreens to report on, a strange epidemic of fuckery that’s spreading accross the country like herpes at a prom.

The perpetrators are often fuck brained degenerates who struggle to grasp simple concepts like the role of emergency services, or how parking lines work, yet amazingly they manage to put pen to paper and shit out coherence.

It’s a sign of times I’m afraid in our ever more selfish and narcissistic society. How dare some cunt have a heart attack near my house when I’m trying to get home and watch Jeremy Kyle.

Will it ever end? I doubt it, not unless the government give every person in country their own designated car parking space and disabled people walking around with fucking badges explaining exactly what’s wrong with them.

Death threats are a step too far, but this shit needs to stop

I get the concept of ear worms, an annoying hook rattling around in your head that you just can’t forget, but if it makes me want to smash my tv into a million fucking pieces then I’m not very likely to book a holiday with you am I?

What happened to the advertising industry? Ok its always been a poisonous, soul extracting sector hell bent on removing you from your money, but at least they used to try harder.

Some adverts in the past were innovative, funny and memorable, some even told a story and gave you a connection with the central character. Liking the ad didn’t necessarily mean that you liked the product it was flogging, but at least you didn’t despise it.

I get the concept of ear worms, an annoying hook rattling around in your head that you just can’t forget, but if it makes me want to smash my tv into a million fucking pieces then I’m not very likely to book a holiday with you am I?

We live in a fucked up society when it comes to jobbing actors getting death threats. Remember, to them, it’s just a couple of hours in a studio, not the seemingly eternal televisual hell that we’re all stuck in.

Now I am by no means justifying threats, but I challange anyone to watch The Simpson back to back on Sky 1 when the TUI ad run is on every break time without going fucking insane.

Then there’s that pork balls prick off the Just Eat ad. If he was talking to friends near me like he does in the ad I’d cross the street to avoid the cunt.

How does irritation equate to sales? Who signs these 30 second ear raping clips off and pays a fuck tonne of money to have them aired? Its insane and it needs to fuck off right now.

Phil Mitchell’s stunt double and the fuck eyed bint jailed

They’re responsible for Britain First, you know, that ‘movement’ of paedophile obsessed, flag shagging, fuck brained degenerates, who turn up to your town by the dozen and trash a Wetherspoon’s.

Far right religious extremists and part time fleece models, Jayda Fransen and Paul Golding have been jailed for hate crimes against Muslims.

If you’re not familiar with the pair they’re responsible for Britain First, you know, that ‘movement’ of paedophile obsessed, flag shagging, fuck brained degenerates, who turn up to your town by the dozen and trash a Wetherspoon’s.

Unbelievably they also have a huge online following, partly because a massive proportion of the British public are thick as pig shit (see Brexit) but mostly because they share the odd poppy meme, or photos of ‘are trupes’ that your gran will happily share like Polo mints on bus.

As well as selling badges, Golding (the one that looks like a potato found in a McCain’s reject bin) and Fransen (the hawk nosed, fuck eyed, walking screech) enjoy being racist cunts and harassing members of the public.

Now they’ve both been jailed for it. Good. They’re fucking cunts.

Don’t blame the crumbling NHS on fatties

Fat bastards pay a fuck tonne in extra tax like smokers and drinkers, on all that extra food. Yes they may need more visits to the docs than regular folk over a lifetime, but when a lifetime is 42 years who gives a fuck?

Another day, another group of people to blame for our failing NHS. First it was immigrants, then smokers and now it’s the obese, but it’s never the government who massively underfund it and wait patiently for it to collapse, so they have a justified reason for privatisation though is it?

Look, I’m sure fat cunts are a strain on the NHS. Massive coronary heart attacks can’t be cheap right, and what about all those massive beds and wheel chairs? Don’t get me started on removing fucking walls to get the twats to hospital.

To blame them for all of ills is insane though, look at this way: Fat bastards pay a fuck tonne in extra tax, like smokers and drinkers, on all that extra food. Yes they may need more visits to the docs than regular folk over a lifetime, but when a lifetime is 42 years who gives a fuck?

You smug, skinny twats will be knocking on till you’re 115, outliving all of your family and friends, seeing more doctors than an episode of fucking casualty, and spending your final days distracting people who secretly despise you from their smart phones as you demand round the clock care, whilst waxing lyrical about the good old days when Take me Out was on.

The cost just for you alone will be astronomical, like buying a fucking Dominos without a deal code.

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Media successfully find someone who didn’t already think all professional cyclists were on drugs

Shocking news broke this week that not everyone in the UK considers professional cyclists to be routine drug users.

Other media outlets this week considered they had found an adult with an undamaged ability to perceive the world, who actually considers professional cycling to be a competitive sport without drug use.

“I find the notion that cyclists would routinely take an opiate/amphetamine combination drug to maintain endurance and decrease pain ridiculous,” said Imogen Grant, on tape, to a proper news outfit. We’re seriously, this wasn’t in the Canary, it was a proper story, in a proper paper. No, not the Mail, a proper paper.

“As for the idea that cyclists would use supplements to develop their VO2 artificially, or in any way do anything that wasn’t just peddling lots and getting really good at peddling lots, that’s nonsense,” said Imogen, who we understand prefers her nickname Immy.

Ms Grant’s opinion runs contrary to official guidance, whereby Team Sky are so called because either (a) they are high as the sky; (b) as high as you’d have to be to pay for Sky; or (c) a non-libellous option which is definitely the right option.

A much needed dose of realism was brought by man of the people, the unknighted Nigel Farage, speaking, as ever, on Question Time.

Farage said, “Immy? Immy Grant? Need I say more? I don’t even need to see her to know she’s a bit shady.”

Religion is stupid, confirms Jesus

Religion is very stupid and the way you practice it is frankly divisive, said Jesus.

His good friend, Mohammad, agreed wholeheartedly, adding “seriously, some of you are utter, utter, bellends, the way you misuse your faith. It’s more embarrassing than being judged by modern standards for ideas we came up with in a different time. Like don’t get drunk when it’s hot, I mean, I didn’t know Benidorm existed when I came up with that. But it’s still a good idea.”

Abraham concurred, saying, “I mean, shellfish, you know, who hasn’t had a dodgy prawn in hot climate? And who wants to burn up and look like a lobster? That’s not Kosher. But obviously, what we were actually getting was, don’t be a selfish shellfish. I.e. don’t be a twat.”

Buddha also agreed, adding “come on, if I am not an inspiration to stop putting shit on your sodding dating profiles about CrossFit and Tough Mudder, and boring the bollocks off everyone with your beige chat, I mean Jesus! Well he agrees.”

Laughing, Jesus said “yeah, fat lad got it right. Listen, I know better than anyone how to nail someone, right, and stand on me, you do not want to be going on about your training times, just take them for a meal, it worked for me, it works for Buddha, just have it large, first date, last supper, get banging those nails in. Quit doubting before the cock has had a chance to crow.”

All four we spoke to agreed vehemently that if you want to believe in God, maybe what you could do is pray to show gratitude for what you’ve got rather than (a) asking for something or (b) using God’s name as an excuse to be an utter cunt.

Jesus had the final words for us, adding “same goes for you sodding vegans, I’d throw you lot to the lions. Ask a lion if it wants to watch Cowspiracy and start eating lentils, you fundamentalist berks.”

Religion is stupid, confirms Jesus

Religion is very stupid and the way you practice it is frankly divisive, said Jesus.

His good friend, Mohammad, agreed wholeheartedly, adding “seriously, some of you are utter, utter, bellends, the way you misuse your faith. It’s more embarrassing than being judged by modern standards for ideas we came up with in a different time. Like don’t get drunk when it’s hot, I mean, I didn’t know Benidorm existed when I came up with that. But it’s still a good idea.”

Abraham concurred, saying, “I mean, shellfish, you know, who hasn’t had a dodgy prawn in hot climate? And who wants to burn up and look like a lobster? That’s not Kosher. But obviously, what we were actually getting was, don’t be a selfish shellfish. I.e. don’t be a twat.”

Buddha also agreed, adding “come on, if I am not an inspiration to stop putting shit on your sodding dating profiles about CrossFit and Tough Mudder, and boring the bollocks off everyone with your beige chat, I mean Jesus! Well he agrees.”

Laughing, Jesus said “yeah, fat lad got it right. Listen, I know better than anyone how to nail someone, right, and stand on me, you do not want to be going on about your training times, just take them for a meal, it worked for me, it works for Buddha, just have it large, first date, last supper, get banging those nails in. Quit doubting before the cock has had a chance to crow.”

All four we spoke to agreed vehemently that if you want to believe in God, maybe what you could do is pray to show gratitude for what you’ve got rather than (a) asking for something or (b) using God’s name as an excuse to be an utter cunt.

Jesus had the final words for us, adding “same goes for you sodding vegans, I’d throw you lot to the lions. Ask a lion if it wants to watch Cowspiracy and start eating lentils, you fundamentalist berks.”

Defiant BMW driver reversing to work

Defiant BMW driver reversing to work

Travelling salesman and insufferable arse hole, Barry Collins, decided to beat the snow by driving his rear wheel drive BMW to work today.

The 43 year double glazing specialist said; “Everyone takes the piss because I struggle in the snow. It doesn’t usually bother me because we don’t normally have any.”

After a week of pretty horrendous conditions though Mr. Collins decided a change of approach was in order.

“I’m sick to death of borrowing my wife’s shitty Punto. How will anyone know I’ve got a massive cock and that I’m better than them driving around in that shed?”

It wasn’t long before he drew attention to himself however, when he was pulled over by PC John Phillips ten minutes into his journey.

“Initially I thought what’s this idiot doing?” He said.

“Then I realised it’s the best example of driving in the snow from a BMW I’ve ever seen in my twenty two years of public service, so I let him off with a ticket this time and advised him to go home, driving forwards.”

After his slap on the wrist Mr. Collins decided to take the rest of the week off.