Daft twat doesn’t get fishing

Daft twat doesn’t get fishing

There’s been reports of fly tipping today after a weird frogesue cunt was seen hurling fish into the Thames.

Onlookers described the unknown man as ‘off his nut’ and ‘deranged’, after he appeared in a trawler and started hurling boxes of fish overboard, whilst shouting incoherent bollocks through a mega phone.

Eye witness, Paul Saville said;

“I don’t think the bloke understands the concept of fishing. He wasn’t even trying to catch any! He was just chucking them in the river like a mad man, he’s got it all completely arse about tit.”

NO ARRESTS were made, however mental health professionals were made aware and are currently trying to track down the unnamed man.

More to follow.

Stop complaining about how Facebook use your data on fucking Facebook

You’re in 1984, a conscious fucking Matrix, only the government didn’t thrust mass surveillance upon you, you got it for Christmas.

Complaining about Facebook using your data on Facebook is like complaining about police brutality to the copper who has just twatted you in the back of his van. It’s fucking pointless.

When massive tech corporations spend all their energy hawking you products to make it easier to buy other products, you are the fucking product.

You’re the commodity, that should be apparent when you’re whinging about what companies do with what they know about you from your camera and gps enabled smart phones, which are constantly connected to the internet, whilst setting a reminder for fucking Coronation Street on your smart TV, and asking Alexa to order more bread because your toaster has just predicted more fucking snow.

You’re in 1984, a conscious fucking Matrix, only the government didn’t thrust mass surveillance upon you, you got it for Christmas.

If you don’t like it then tough shit. This is how it is now, the only escape is to sell all your possessions, move to the Outer Hebrides, become a prepper and buy yourself a CB radio so you can listen to loneliness and white noise.

Have a drink for Paddy’s day even you’re teetotal just to annoy those St. George’s Day wankers

Have a drink for Paddy’s day even you’re teetotal just to annoy those St. George’s Day wankers

Every year on St. George’s day millions of ‘patriots’ get angry that not enough people a paralytic:

“No one’s celebrating St. George’s day” moaned a bald, shirtless, fat cunt, wearing an England flag as a cape as he supped from a warm can of Carling.

You are you daft twat, so what’s the fucking problem?

No one told them they can’t fucking celebrate did they? Or do they just get upset that we don’t all make an effort to put the fucking bunting up, or wave those embarrassing miniature flags about?

Yes, people make more of an effort on Paddy’s day, of course they fucking do, because Guinness is well nice and you get those comedy hats. Plus people like to pretend they’re Irish for a day, it’s exotic.

So, even if you don’t drink make an effort today, just to annoy those whinging cunts.

Since Brexit the British Bulldog has turned into Scrappy Doo

We’ve got a petulant Defence Minister spouting play ground taunts at one of the world’s biggest super powers, a hyperactive Foreign Secretary who still gets his hair cut by his mum slinging unfounded accusations around, and a power hungry stiletto personified who wants her war because they all fucking get one.

Many, many years ago, when gun powder and industry reigned supreme, Britain was a major player with an empire spanning two thirds of the world, founded on greed and power and acquired by force, genocide and slavery. Our flag was known accross the globe as the butcher’s apron. Thankfully we moved on.

Being part of the European Union has granted us relative peace for the last 70 years. Enemies became allies in the ashes of our empire, and as it crumbled around us we were no longer alone. We picked the battles and we chose the ones we could win.

Fast forward to 2018 and a Theresa May led Tory government. We’ve renounced the union, told our neighbours to fuck off and are now picking fights with the hardest boy in school.

What the fuck is happening? We’re jumping into a war with an opponent that could obliterate us without even breaking a sweat, on the basis of one event, with no proof, after choosing solation.

We’ve got a petulant Defence Minister spouting play ground taunts at one of the world’s biggest super powers, a hyperactive Foreign Secretary who still gets his hair cut by his mum slinging unfounded accusations around, and a power hungry stiletto personified who wants her war because they all fucking get one.

This country has gone nuts, Brexit has given us delusions of grandeur. We’re not a super power anymore, and no amount of starving children and fining homeless people to raise £48 million for a chemical weapons defence centre is going to change that.

If there is a full scale war, chemicals won’t get a look in. We’ll be obliterated by nukes before we can even think about asking our snubbed neighbours for a little help.

The British Bulldog is dead. We’re Scrappy Doo. We’re the country equivalent of small man syndrome. We’re fucked!

Gavin Williamson responds to latest Russian attack by putting his fingers in his ears and saying ‘ner ner na ner I can’t hear you’

Gavin Williamson responds to latest Russian attack by putting his fingers in his ears and saying ‘ner ner na ner I can’t hear you’

The accidental Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson, who walked into the role after a blundering MP brought him to the houses of parliament for an annual bring your son to work day, was chosen after all other available personal were being investigated for office wanking.

Yesterday he made a speech and told Russia to ‘shut up’ and ‘go away’ before allegedly going on to tell them that ‘our dad is bigger than their dad.’

It was reported that after the speech he had a tantrum, demanded his blanket, and was sent back to his cot for a nap and some warm milk.

Russia responded today by calling the Defence Secretary a ‘market wench’ with ‘extreme intellectual impotency’.

An insider who witnessed Mr. Williamson being informed  of about the retaliation said that he put his fingers in his ears and shouted “ner ner na ner, I can’t hear you” before an older MP bought him a packet of crisps and bottle of Coke and told him to wait in the car.

Where will all the twats hang out now that the online gynecologist is closed?

My bet is that it was left in the capable hands of an illiterate, toothless, thug, who ignored Paul’s advice and Facebook’s email, instead opting to post memes of unidentified bown people committing crimes overlaid with words like ‘DISCUSTING’.

This is a week of endings. Endings of relationships like that of Britain and Russia, the endings of two eras: The northern working men’s comedy club scene with the passing of the legendary Jim Bowen, and light entertainment as a whole, with the loss of comedic behemoth and all rounder, Ken Dodd.

Our grasp of complicated scientific theories has ended without Hawking’s genius guiding us via those unforgettable synthesized tones.

A little bit of our a collective childhood ended with the imminent demise of Toys’R’us, and on the subject of childhood, the Tories ended common decency by stealing free school meals from a million impoverished kids.

It’s not all bad though. Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen were jailed for being nasty, racist, bastards, after intimidating and harassing innocent members of the public, ending any ideas of them being respectful or indeed contributing members of society.

Then came the best ending. The Britain First Facebook page vanished into obscurity in an instant, like those 90’s luminous green clubbing shirts, pyramid talking alarm clocks, or those  annoying fucking dancing sunflowers.

Facebook say the page had breached community standards, and that the admins ignored a final warning, but my bet is that it was left in the capable hands of an illiterate, toothless, thug, who ignored Paul’s advice and Facebook’s email, instead opting to post memes of unidentified bown people committing crimes overlaid with words like ‘DISCUSTING’.

Either way two million people were left scratching their heads, complaining that it’s not like the good old days when you could walk around being a hateful, racist cunt with impunity.

Chaos on the roads as Sat-navs hold a minute silence for Professor Stephen Hawking

Chaos on the roads as Sat-navs hold a minute silence for Professor Stephen Hawking

I can feel the unfollow button being pressed a thousand times as I type this by the perpetually offended as they shout “too soon!”

Well this is satire and it’s never too soon. The passing of the world’s greatest physicist is a truly sad event, but to say he had a good innings doesn’t do his remarkable longevity any justice.

Over 50 years ago he was given just two years to live, but with his fighting spirit and raw determination he gave the V’s to that dire prognosis.

Two years just wasn’t enough for what he had in-store for the world, and so he persevered until a very respectable 76 years of age.

Despite his debilitating condition, Hawking  went on to have an amazing life, not only contributing more than anyone else of his generation to science, but actually making it popular to the masses.

He didn’t just inspire people with a disability but also budding physicists, mathematicians and writers. ‘Can’t’ wasn’t in his vocabulary and he shamed every one of us who have uttered it as an excuse for procrastination.

Most importantly Hawking had a wicked sense of humour, cementing his status as a national treasure.

He appeared in everything from The Simpson’s to the Big Bang Theory and was never afraid to mock himself. That’s why I’m certain he wouldn’t have been offended by this post.

RIP Professor Stephen Hawking. I doubt I will see anyone as truly inspiring as you again. A little bit of Britain died today and our culture is wounded.

I don’t think your spirit will fly up to greet the angels, but I hope instead that your energy passes through an event horizon to see what’s on the other side.

Putin ‘absolutely shitting it’ over William’s World Cup snub

“Oooooh. I’m quaking in my boots.” Putin allegedly said whilst stroking the largest nuclear weapon in the world, no, not Kim Jong Un, an actual missile.

With a wink, a nose tap and a smirk, President Putin denies ordering the deaths of any ex spies, or exiled oligarchs, before the upcoming election in which he’ll be running against himself again.

As suspicions mount over Russia, the government have threatened sanctions and a withdrawal of Royals from the world cup.

“Oooooh. I’m quaking in my boots.” Putin allegedly said whilst stroking the largest nuclear weapon in the world, no, not Kim Jong Un, an actual missile.

Come on! No Royals at some football. Do we really think he’s going to lose sleep over that? And what are we sanctioning exactly, Bovril exports?

I’m sure that would make him cry into his OXO filled mug as switches off our fucking gas.

Can we just have a rest from poking the beehive with a big stick for a bit? I’m not condoning the actions of Russia by any means, but when you’re a solitary four year old you can’t punish a class of fucking sixth formers.

If Jamie Carrager can spit through a 2ft moving rectangle from 3 metres, why wasn’t he a striker?

If Jamie Carrager can spit through a 2ft moving rectangle from 3 metres, why wasn’t he a striker?

I like football as much as the next guy, if the next guy happens to be someone who despises fucking football, so forgive me for knowing as much about it as Trump knows about basic etiquette.

Until yesterday Mr. Carrager could’ve been within spitting distance of me and I wouldn’t have even noticed, unless I mocked a football score obviously.

Spitting is a disgusting habit, but so is goading someone at 20mph with your phone in your hand and your daughter in the middle, however It doesn’t justify honking up a green one and launching it at the girl. The cunt should’ve wound his window up and drove off. Should he be sacked? Who fucking cares?

In fairness though, regardless of how repulsive the act was, to hit a 2ft moving target from such a distance was fucking impressive. Maybe he should’ve been a striker.

Millions of bigots ditch racism after Bannon embraces it

He looks like the result of 30 years of hard drinking and a drop at birth. He’s got so much oil on his face I’m surprised the US hasn’t invaded it and installed a fucking proxy government.

Breitbart founder, former Trump strategist, and part time model for those leaflets about the dangers of diabetes you find in a doctor’s waiting room, Steve Bannon, told a bunch of racist National Front cunts to wear their racism like a badge of honour, in order to spread more lovely racism.

Unfortunately for the animated cadaver, it turns out even racists don’t like him. In fact his little hate speech backfired like a James Corden rape gag:

“I was a Britain First member.” Said Barry Clutter.

“But when I saw that pound shop Goebbels bigging up my hobby I felt grubby. I just didn’t want to be associated with that walking
cirrhosis, in fact I knocked on for Abdul, my Asian neighbour, and hugged him.”

“He called the police because last time we spoke I keyed his car, but it’s baby steps isn’t it?”

If you’re not familiar with Steve Bannon he looks like the result of 30 years of hard drinking and a drop at birth. He’s got so much oil on his face I’m surprised the US hasn’t invaded it and installed a fucking proxy government.

He’s also famous for being an anti establishment ex banker, which I suppose is like being an anti doughnut cop. Basically he’s a cunt.