Why post about your Facebook cull when the people you’ve removed can’t even see it?

“687 friends down to 665! Well done if you survived cull x lol.”

I mean, what’s the fucking point? Think about it in terms of actual reality.

It’s like losing touch with a friend because your lives have changed and you’ve both taken different paths, then phoning all of your other friends to tell them about it.

You wouldn’t fucking bother would you, so why do it on Facebook?

It’s usually goes something like this:

“Right. Feel better now. I’ve just deleted loads of people! I had people on here I don’t even know saying things I don’t even agree with! And I haven’t even spoke to the others in years. 687 friends down to 665! Well done if you survived cull x lol.”

Fuck off you attention seeking cunt.

No one gives a fuck. In fact, even your remaining friends probably unfollowed you long ago, on account of your vapid insights and lost dog shares from the other side of the world posted 4 years ago.

These twats are worse than those “I’m leaving” fuckers. Off you pop then, no one gives a shit about you either. You’ll be missed about the same as that skin tag I had removed.

Pope: ‘Do what you want it’s all bollocks anyway’

It’s like watching a Father Ted sequel where Dougal has somehow climbed the ranks all the way up to Pope and now he’s just telling it like he sees it.

Has the Catholic church just given up? Since making this Jim Bowen look-a-like the voice of God it feels like it.

Long gone are days of fire and brimstone, hell doesn’t even exist now anyway apparently, you just cease to exist like UKIP.

In the past he’s agreed with the Big Bang Theory and Evolution, saying that God ‘doesn’t have a magic wand’. No fucking shit, if God did exist he wouldn’t need one, because he’s fucking God.

It’s like watching a Father Ted sequel where Dougal has somehow climbed the ranks all the way up to Pope and now he’s just telling it like he sees it:

“Bum away if you want, if God existed he wouldn’t care anyway. Think about it, he wouldn’t have made it possible to bum if he didn’t like it.”

I can’t work out if he just fell into the job and now resents it, or he genuinely just goes out of his way to fuck the church off.

Maybe it’s like The Secret Millionaire, only he’s a Secret Atheist on a brilliant mission to destroy the Vatican. Either way it’s funny as fuck waiting to see what he’ll say next.

Famine strikes Africa after Facebook sends FOOD PICTURES instead of vital likes and prayers by mistake

Famine strikes Africa after Facebook sends FOOD PICTURES instead of vital likes and prayers by mistake

Another day and another scandal for Facebook. After a week of dealing with the data sharing revelation, Oxfam and The Red Cross have heavily condemned the social media platform.

After a ‘massive blunder’ whereby the tech giant ‘accidentally’ sent pictures of people’s dinner instead of vital likes and prayers to famine stricken parts of Africa, an estimated 150,000 people are thought to be in immediate danger.

Alfred Loaf, a spokesman for Oxfam said:

“This is unforgivable. The data breach is one thing, but people are now dying because of incompetence plain and simple. To send pictures of food just adds insult to injury.”

He continued: “Imagine the horror of those poor kids as they eagerly opened their likes packages to find pictures taken in Nandos instead. It’s a fucking disgrace.”

Facebook have so far declined to comment, however, records show that a further 1.8k food pictures are already on route.

150,000 African children die of starvation after being ACCIDENTALLY sent food pictures instead of likes and prayers

150,000 African children die of starvation after being ACCIDENTALLY sent food pictures instead of likes and prayers

Another day and another scandal for Facebook. After a week of dealing with the data sharing revelation, Oxfam and The Red Cross have heavily condemned the social media platform.

After ‘a massive blunder’ whereby the tech giant ‘accidentally’ sent pictures of people’s dinner instead of vital likes and prayers to famine stricken parts of Africa, an estimated 150,000 children have thought to have perished as a result.

Alfred Loaf, a spokesman for Oxfam said:

“This is unforgivable. Those children died of incompetence plain and simple and to send pictures of food just adds insult to injury.”

He continued: “Imagine the horror of those poor kids as they eagerly opened their likes packages, only to find pictures taken in Nando’s instead. It’s  a fucking disgrace.”

Facebook have so far declined to comment, however, records show that a further 1.8k food pictures are already on route.

Just one year to go before we overthrow our fascist overlords

We’ll declare it Britain Day! It’ll be a national holiday and we’ll celebrate by downing warm Carling and glassing anyone who makes fuck eyes at our wives.

In just 12 short months we’ll give a massive two digit Churchillian peace salute to those unelected, pasta munching, frog leg chewing, nonsense mumbling, foreign bastards, and declare freedom once more in our green and pleasant land.

Paste tables will be laid out from Lands End to John o’ Groats, covered with the Union Flag and weighed down with a bountiful offering of truly British delicacies like tripe and pies.

We’ll declare it Britain Day! It’ll be a national holiday and we’ll celebrate by downing warm Carling and glassing anyone who makes fuck eyes at our wives.

The homeless will rise from their spiced induced comas, step into their new homes and then join us, showered, clean and employed.

Hospital staff will wheel in the terminally ill from the wet car parks and treat, nay, heal them, without those meddling Eastern Europeans scuppering their chances anymore.

The Tories will revive Winston Churchill from his cryo-sleep to rule us once more with his fair iron fist, and our distant colonies will come begging to us, offering up their servitude in our new and brilliant re-instated Empire.

Supermarkets accross the land will close down, giving way to independent butchers and green grocers, with sturdy British names like Smith and Jones, and within ten years we’ll be saying goodbye to those pesky ration books.

Cotton mills will rise up across the north once more like temples of hope, and I’ll be able to earn an honest days pay for my sixteen hour shift, as I look forward to Christmas day when I’ll finally be able to relax with the family, all twenty of us in our cosy 2 up, 2 down terraced house.

After all, it’s only fair for working class scum like me, and life will be so much simpler without those interfering unions telling us what to do, or those confusing human rights.

Bring on 2019 for true freedom.

How can we make Britain great again when we can’t even fill pot holes?

Finally there’s our roads, which make Amazonion dirt tracks trampled by herding elephants look like a fucking spa for your tyres by comparison.

The UK is falling apart quicker than a Brexit argument, with an NHS is crisis, a paper thin blue line, millions living in poverty and a homelessness epidemic to boot.

Food banks are also just another part of life now like vegans, or body shaming. Concepts that only a few short years ago would have been considered more absurd than Joey from Friends presenting Top Gear, or a six foot, twat jawed, hay haired fuckwit Presiding over one of the world’s biggest super powers.

Then there’s our wonderful employment record, statistics I’d definitely believe if everyone serving fried things, or boxing up your Amazon shit weren’t promised a grand total of fuck all hours in their contracts.

Local councils are so underfunded that they’re actually considering fining homeless people, which is like asking me for that 20 quid back on the 29th. It’s not fucking happening pal.

Finally there’s our roads, which make Amazonion dirt tracks trampled by herding elephants look like a fucking spa for your tyres by comparison.

There’s Roman roads in better condition than my fucking High street. I keep hearing about funding to sort this shit out, so what are they doing with it, filling the holes with fifty pound notes? Because from where I’m standing it looks they’re using buckets of fuck all.

The way things are going I’m surprised the government isn’t employing people to roll homeless, comatose, spice heads into them to kill two birds with one fucking stone.

Home Office pledges another £11 million to find Shergar

“This is a colossal waste of public money and police time, had Shergar been a regular farm horse then no additional funding would have been signed off. Hundreds of normal horses go missing every year and no one bats an eye.”

Police are re-opening the 35 year old case of the stolen race winning stud in a ‘final line of investigation’, after securing an additional £11 million from the Home Office.

The now famous horse was stolen in 1983, the body was never recovered, and the mystery never solved.

Racing Pundit, Phil Turf said:

“This is a colossal waste of public money and police time, had Shergar been a regular farm horse then no additional funding would have been signed off. Hundreds of normal horses go missing every year and no one bats an eye.”

A spokesman from the Home Office suggested that this would be the final attempt to find the horse unless new evidence surfaces.

Quick! Delete your Facebook account before they sell all the pictures of your dinner

If you’re the type of person with a wide open profile and a million pictures of your kids, then you’re too thick to be on social media and deserve everything you get.

However, if your feed consists of shared life hacks, trout pouts, cat GIFs and pictures of your fucking tea, then what are you scared of? Your friends don’t give a fuck about all that shit so why would massive corporations?

Oh look, you did a 4 mile run and told everyone, and now those nefarious bastards are trying to sell you a cross trainer and water bottles through targeted advertising, you’d better call MI5 and report it.

Do you think companies like Facebook run on good will, or a sense of community? Do they fuck. Ask yourself this, how do they make billions without charging anyone for the service?

Admittedly no fucker reads the T&C’s, you could be offering up your first born for all you know, but apply a bit of logic for fuck sake.

Stephen Mulhern: ‘I’m free on Saturday, just saying’

Stephen Mulhern: ‘I’m free on Saturday, just saying’

It has been announced that Dec (the smaller one who wasn’t smashed behind the wheel) will be presenting Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway alone this Saturday, after his comedy partner Ant was charged with drink driving.

After the news broke, an ITV insider who was present at a crisis meeting said that Stephen Mulhern (an amalgamation of both Ant and Dec with magic) cleared his throat before coughing loudly.

Producers who were also present at the meeting apparently asked the Catch Phrase presenter if he was ok and if he’d like a glass of water.

Mulhern allegedly responded by saying:

“I’ve got rehearsals on Saturday but I could make them dissappear if you get what I mean. I’m can be free on Saturday, just saying.”

Mr. Mulhern’s offer was apparently rejected by the production team who reportedly told him:

“Although only 23% of the viewers would even notice that you’d replaced Ant, The Daily Mail would be rolling over and shitting Mars bars for a month, we couldn’t do that to him, plus it might break the space time continuum and the universe as we know it.”

Nothing is set in stone for the final episode of the series yet, however Dick and Dom fell into the office when the door was opened after the meeting.