Month: February 2018

The UK’s most senior counter terrorism police officer, Mark Rowley, compared convicted fraudster and tiny rabble rouser, Tommy ‘ten names’ Robinson, to another radical hate preacher, Anjem Choudary, at an even in London on Tuesday.

“I cannot believe a comparison has been made between me and that radical, hate mongering, sack of shit” Mr. Choudary allegedly said.

Meanwhile, small man syndrome personified, Robinson, took to Twitter to tell his tens of loyal, fuck headed, fascists that he was going to ‘find’ Mark Rowley.

Aye, course you are Tommeh. Have you tried finding a fucking copper these days, let alone a senior one? They’re like celebs. May has seen to that. You’ve more chance of Beyoncé turning up to a crime scene.

Just keep doing what you’re doing if you want to speak to counter terrorism, you fucking bottom lip on legs. I’m pretty sure it’s one of those shit job interview scenarios you know? “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” That sort of thing, you fucking shit Keith Lemon.

Being told to be home by 6pm does not mean you’re going to be snowed in for the next 6 months, bread will still be available tomorrow like the futility of life and your crushed hopes and dreams.

It’s the same everytime we get a bit of fucking snow isn’t it? Millions of cunts clogging up the aisles like pieces of fat in a yanks artery, fighting over Hovis and semi skimmed milk as if it were oxygen in a broken lift.

Stop it. It’s embarrassing. Russia and Canada are laughing at you like me see when I see an Audi on an icy hill.

Warburton’s must be creaming themselves at the prospect of selling ten loaves per person, we’re the only country in the world that buys more bread than grit when it snows. You’re not fucking Jesus.

Why couldn’t people settle for toast during the great KFC shortage of 2018, instead of phoning the police like a startled pensioner glancing a teenager at night?

Get a fucking grip you simple, grasping twats. You think Blitz spirit will get us through Brexit? Try panic buying when there’s fuck all left on the shelves and a loaf is a fiver. Cunts.

It’s nearly that time of year again when we celebrate the resurrection of Christ, or just eat our body weight in chocolate if we’re normal folk, but it’s also a time when racist, muck brained, twat spackers become hyper religious about fucking chocolate egg packaging.

For these Mail absorbing pricks, Easter has become an annual Groundhog day in which they bemoan the fictional good old days of Cadbury and Nestlé not being afraid of embracing the proud Christian corporations they’ve apparently always purported to be, instead of the giant, faceless, chocolate slinging, behemoths they’ve actually always been. It’s almost as if the Cadbury founder wasn’t a fucking Quaker isn’t it?

Yes, the Mandela effect is strongest amongst Brexiters at this time of year. I mean, if chocolate companies can’t even be arsed with Jesus Christ then why the fuck should I be eh?

“It’s them Muslims. They’ve changed the laws of are free and prowd CRISTIAN cuntry!” Scream 52% of this shit hole we call Britain.

These are the same fuckers who insist local councils are inverted racists because they oppose the Union Flag. No Barry, they just think that your grubby blue, red and white bed sheet on your 50ft pole looks a bit chavvy, that’s why they asked you to remove it.

They’re also the same cunts who insist that we’re not allowed to say Merry Christmas or have lights up anymore, which is odd because I can usually see both of these things in their windows every fucking Novemember.

Leader of the opposition and jam obsessed maniac, Jeremy Corbyn, has been linked to covert Soviet activity in the 80’s, according to a collection of toxic shit rags.

The same shit rags in fact, that have spent that last two years insisting that the beleaguered allotment abuser couldn’t run a bath, let alone a political opposition, are now convinced he’s OO7.

Obviously no one with half a brain believed the accusations, well, maybe the part about him giving away such state secrets as what Maggie Thatcher had for fucking breakfast unwittingly, until the career shattering evidence came to light that is.

Yes, Beryl Butter for Barnsley reportedly spotted Mr. Corbyn playing eye spy outside an MFI in 1994.

“I didn’t know the traitor then” she said.

“But remembering back it definitely 100% might have been him. He had that look of pure evil in his shifty eyes as he smugly called out the letters. You could just tell he thought he was better than everyone else because he knew what he was looking at and they didn’t.”

She continued; “After the lady he was with correctly guessed that he’d spied the sky, he flipped into a rage, his face red with fury. That’s when they went into that James Bond place, MFI.”

We asked Mrs. Butter to corroborate her story but she declined because she doesn’t exist, just like the notion of Jeremy Corbyn being a fucking spy.

KFC, also know as Kentucky Fried Chicken, or Kan’t Find Chicken, has been been experimenting in losing hundreds of thousands of pounds over the last few days by closing many of its restaurants, in a move some have dubbed ‘Brexit prep’.

The fried chicken giant recently changed its delivery contract to DHL, who appear to have misunderstood the delivery part of it.

As a result chaos ensued across the country, with hundreds of handbrake turning, Fiat 500 driving, teens, being forced into KFC rivals, Maccy D’s, for their sustenance instead.

One pleasing outcome however was for vegans, who, for the first time in KFC’s 88 year history are now 100% catered for by them by not being open.

Perpetually sun blind, albino cartoon bear and Brexit secretary, David Davis, took a brief break from squinting and smiling inanely to address Austrian business leaders in Vienna earlier today.

He reassured those of us still not convinced that Brexit probably isn’t going to be the Empire of old utopia pitched to us by some cunts with a bus, by saying in won’t be a total dystopian nightmare like Mad Max.

Well thank fuck for that! I feel so much better knowing that when I’m driving the kids to the disused Aldi filled with volunteering ex teachers they’ll call school, that we won’t be run off the road by a bunch of shirtless, mohican sporting, stead heads, so that they can steal my fucking Austin Allegro for its guzzaline.

What a fucking shit way to sell Brexit! That’s like being diagnosed with a terminal illness and the doctor telling you that at least your imminent death will end the excruciating pain, because every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

I’m sick of hearing leavers banging on about talking ourselves up and not being so negative, but in this case they may have a point.

It hardly instills global confidence in us when the man supposedly negotiating our side is bigging us up by basically saying it won’t be a complete disaster, because we’ll still have roads and battles to the death. What the fuck is this cunt on?

Eternal Brexit optimist and mouthpiece of arse holes, The Daily Express, has been brown nosing Jacob Rees-Mogg so much lately that its face is covered in elite pedigree shit.

Traditionally Nigel Farage has always been the poster boy for the expensive toilet roll, but recently he appears to have been ditched for an even greater tosser, and no amount of fuckery by the stringless Thunderbird puppet can change that, even the suggestion of a second referendum.

Ray Cist, a cab driver from Barnsley, Brexiter and avid Express reader said:

“Nigel who? He’s served his pupose now and he’s too busy cosying up to that Trump. Rees-Mogg is gonna be our next PM plain and simple. He’s strong unlike Theresa and he speaks the truth. He’s just like one of us, except he’s landed gentry an’ that.”

Readers shouldn’t worry about their favourite paper too much however, as it still features daily updates about snowmageddon, leaving the EU, traitorous terrorist MP’s from the left and pictures of your favourite deceased Princess.

130 year old Eileen Bickton from East Sussex found out one hundred years ago today that as result of the suffrage movement, she’d be able to vote for the first time.

The retired librarian who attributes her impressive age to a mixture of walking, whelks and cocaine, has never actually executed her to right however.

“What’s the point?” She said.

“They’re all such tossers. Left, right, up, down. They’re all the same to me. They all promise the world and deliver nothing. It’s like voting for burning to death or drowning to death isn’t it?”

She continued: “Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way belittling the sacrifices those women made. The world would be be a far harsher place for women without them, but I just can’t bring myself to pick one of those slimy, lying bastards. ”

I asked Eileen if she planned on the voting I’m the next General Election now that Brexit is an issue. She just laughed and said “If I’m still around in another two month.”

The Muslim Council of Great Britain have rushed to the aid of the Freemasons after they placed several full-page advertisements in national newspapers calling for an end to the ‘discrimination’ against their members.

The secretive 300 year old organisation made up of politicians, judges, barristers and allegedly plasterers, took out the ads after a recent spate of news stories which suggested they wield more power than they do.

Terence J. Smythe, a millionaire property developer from Bournemouth’s Grand Lodge said;

“Enough is enough! To suggest that a room full of high ranking police officers, politicians, magistrates and officials are involved in some sort of sordid collusion is absurd, it’s discrimination. We mainly wear frocks and compare angles.”

A spokesman for the Muslim Council, Tahir Mahmood, who is organising a series of fund raising events for the Freemasons said;

“It must be really upsetting to be discriminated against for these guys. I can’t imagine the horror they must endure on a daily basis after a campaign of determined and precise attacks on them from the media.”

The response was in retaliation to a Tweet in which the ‘comedian’ said;

“I’m dumping my @facebook stock and deleting my page because @facebook profited from Russian interference in our elections and they’re still not doing enough to stop it. I encourage all other investors who care about our future to do the same. #unfriendfacebook”

A spokesperson for the reach crippling, satire killing, monolith, allegedly called the walking gurn up to tell him;

“Fuck you and your shit films you manic eyed, rubber faced cunt. So what if Russia was involved? These pricks would have voted for a shaved ape flinging its own shit if it wore a red cap with a Nazi slogan, in fact they did.”

The troubled actor has yet to respond on his Twiteer feed, and is still deciding whether he exists or if he is in a fact just a social construct, or a collection of energy projected by vegan yoga lovers.

More to follow;