Maybe it’s not depression, maybe life’s just shit

Depression is like a black hole. It sucks everything out of you like a Blackburn whore, including any light, leaving nothing but darkness, futility, and a sense of foreboding. It’s basically an episode of Last of the Summer Wine.

Depression is like a black hole. It sucks everything out of you like a Blackburn whore, including any light, leaving nothing but darkness, futility and a sense of foreboding. It’s basically an episode of Last of the Summer Wine.

I’ve suffered with it for as long as I can remember and it chips away at you bit by bit like Chinese water torture, or 24/7 BBC News coverage of Nigel Farage to 52% of the population. Eventually you give in and lose all reasoning.

You despise being so lonely but the thought of actually talking to anyone or reaching out for help makes you physically sick.

You hate being dependant on food or booze but they’re the only things worth getting out of bed for. It’s fucked.

You want to change things, you really do, but that tiny nagging voice has rented out the main stage in your head and it’s turned the amp up to 11.

You know the things you want to change to make you happier but you can’t prioritise them.

The voice just bombards you all day with everything that’s wrong in your life all at the same time;

“Lose weight you fat cunt.”

“Make an effort with your friends or make new ones.”

“Find another job.”

“Curb your drinking.”

“Move house.”

“Get on Tinder and find love.”

“You won’t because you’re useless, just lie in bed like you always do.”

It overwhelms you. It dominates you until you can no longer think of a positive, just the constant stream of everything that’s shit in your life and it renders you incapable of changing it thereby making it worse. It sucks out your soul.

Some people try counselling, others anti depressants. I’ve tried the latter several times and I can’t stick with them.

The first time I thought everything was groovy until a close friend told me I wasn’t me anymore and the illusion scattered like a Brexit bus promise.

The second time I ate like a pig and didn’t give s fuck because “I was happy”.

So happy that I couldn’t write anything, I was devoid of creativity like a Tory Arts Minister.

There’s no point to this other than that I’m feeling fucking shite about my my life and myself. I don’t have any answers but I did want to describe what depression feels like.

#MentalHealth

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3 thoughts on “Maybe it’s not depression, maybe life’s just shit”

  1. I love the paradox and irony of having depression but then using a known depressant such as booze to feel less depressed…. and then waking up feeling like shit and even more depressed… if there is a higher being, they’re a fucking sadist and not in the fun 50 shades manner….

    Hold on in there.

  2. Thanks for sharing. Son has depression but finds it too hard to talk about. At least I have an insight now into what he may be feeling.

  3. I’m not in the least surprised to read you have this, mate. Most people with some sort of mental illness are the most fascinating, intelligent, creative and genuinely empathetic people you’ll ever meet (or admire from afar behind anonymous scathingly brilliant satirical posts like this one).

    I have had it for the last 17 years and although I’ve not had an episode for many months, I NEVER EVER take it for fucking granted because I know when that bastard ‘Black dog’ wants to go walkies, he’ll rattle his cunting chain at me and won’t cease until I appease him. Or he’ll just sit on my chest and smother me, a bit like yer mam on a Friday night.

    Right there with you regarding anti’s, I prefer to just use natural methods to deal with my Depression whenever it rears its ugly bonce. I have found that outside of the boringly obvious (trying to sleep regularly, not eat like a complete dildo, get some exercise etc ad nauseam), I’ve really gotten into a lot of meditation / progressive relaxation videos on YouTube, especially some of this ASMR caper. Helps a lot. Next I plan on trying yoga. Can’t keep putting it off for ever plus I constantly hear how great it is for body and mind.

    Which is great on both counts seeing as my body is turning into a shithouse again. And not of the brick and mortar variety either for fuck’s sake.

    Anyway, I’m out of here. I’ve got to be up bastardly early (about 20 mins earlier than usual) as I’m going on a nice long walk in the middle of fucking nowhere in a walking group in the invariably wanky weather we’re due. Should be a hoot and a holler as always.

    Tatty bye you glorious fucker and try and have a good weekend

    x

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