Month: December 2017

Perhaps you got married or shat out a sprog? Maybe you went on holiday or your dog/cat/gran died. Nobody gives a fuck.

Not only have you tediously uploaded every every fucking gym session, described every odd excretion, and photographed, filtered and Instagrammed everything you’ve eaten that cost more than a quid, now you want to give us the fucking highlights?

Get to fuck. No one fucking cares. We didn’t care when you ran 10k last February. We scrolled straight past your feet in the sand pictures in fucking September and we couldn’t care less about your new fucking job.

We don’t care that this was the worst year of your life, or that next year will be your best. We couldn’t give a fuck if you’re going to lose weight or give up drinking and we’ll all laugh when you squander money on a gym membership you won’t use.

Merry just another day you boring fucking cunts.

Due to lack of funding because half the population are thick as fuck, this year’s Knighthoods, OBE’s, MBE’s and CBE’s are to be replaced with a goody bag as there’s no money left.

The bag will contain the following luxury items; a torch, a CurlyWurly, a book of stamps, a free digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor and a copy of the Daily Express.

Eamonn Holmes is said to be ‘delighted’ with the CurlyWurly, however sources say he’d  much rather have preferred a Chomp.

However Nick Clegg wasn’t so easily pleased and allegedly said;

“I was promised a Knighthood, I feel betrayed.”

Now he knows how all those fucking students felt.

 

News ‘broke’ earlier this week that older iPhones were being purposefully slowed down by Apple after the company admitted to the practise.

This wasn’t news to anyone who isn’t rich or possesses more than one brain cell though, and apparently it has nothing to do with planned obsolescence, but is in fact to do with older batteries.

Most Apple users were completely unaware that such a thing happened, as they upgrade every 12 months when the company tells them to anyway.

Obviously if you spend £800 on a phone it’s going to be fucking wank after a year, you see.

However, millions of poorer iPhone owners, who still profess to have the greatest phone in the world, as they secretly wait three seconds between typing each letter of text, were thrilled with Apple’s swift resolution.

Yes, for under 50 quid you can buy a new battery from Apple to speed up your old handset again. How fucking kind of them.

President Trump and his administration have accidentally fired all the members of the President’s Advisory Council on HIV/Aids, aka PACHA, reports suggest.

The move, which was sudden and as yet unexplained, caused immediate controversy to both health professionals and LGBT rights campaigners alike.

The White House refused to give a statement directly, but one of its administrators, Mitchell Gomez, who wishes to remain anonymous said;

“I overheard the President telling his assistant that he wanted his gay aides firing. I knew he meant Sebastian and John, but I think the assistant got the wrong end of the stick.”

If this account is correct, and the firing of PACHA was indeed a terrible mistake, it’s just another nail in the Presidents coffin after yesterday joking that we could do with some Global warming to combat the winter.

More follows.

We’re going to lose free movement, the country is on its arse, there’s a homelessness epidemic and half the population voted to give full sovereignty to a party of fucking psychopaths who’ve turned the UK into a third world laughing stock.

But rejoice! The colour of our fucking passports are changing and if you’re not jumping for joy and rolling over and shitting Mars bars about that you’re an unpatriotic, Britain hating, traitorous, remoaning cunt.

The same inbred fuck headed spunk munchers who are excited about this will be the same pricks getting excited when the government unveils its next plan to bring back fucking ration books, jusy like in the good old days.

We didn’t have to ruin Britain for this, has no one heard of fucking passports covers? You can even buy nice blue ones on Amazon for under three quid.

This is a non event. It’s not good news, a triumph, something to have a fucking street party about, it’s merely a diversion tactic to keep Mail readers spunking over Brexit as an avalanche of shit continues to flow about its eventual catastrophic outcome.

They’re golden stars for unruly kids who’ve managed to go a lesson without twatting a teacher, participation medals, fucking chufty badges for lobotomised inbred cunts who think leaving the EU means no more fucking brown people.

 

We’re going to lose free movement, the country is on its arse, there’s a homelessness epidemic and half the population voted to give full sovereignty to a party of fucking psychopaths who’ve turned the UK into a third world laughing stock.

But rejoice! The colour of our fucking passports are changing at a cost of £500 million that we won’t give to homeless kids, and if you’re not excited about that you’re an unpatriotic, Britain hating, traitorous, remoaning cunt.

The same inbred fuck headed spunk munchers who are excited about this will be the same pricks getting excited when the government unveils its next plan to bring back fucking ration books, jusy like in the really good old days.

We didn’t have to ruin Britain for this, has no one heard of fucking passports covers? You can even buy nice blue ones on Amazon for under three quid.

This is a non event. It’s not good news, a triumph, something to have a fucking street party about, it’s merely a diversion tactic to keep Mail readers spunking over Brexit as an avalanche of shit continues to flow about its eventual catastrophic outcome.

They’re golden stars for unruly kids who’ve managed to go a lesson without twatting a teacher, participation medals.

They’re chufty badges for lobotomised inbred cunts who think that leaving the EU means no more fucking brown people.

We have a long standing tradition in this country of police intervening when they see a crime happening in front of them, except for fox hunting of course. After all, arresting Lady Smithington-Smythe in front of her peers would be embarrassing.

It’s much easier to haul in a few filthy hunt saboteurs with their dangerous cameras, and just let Lady Smythe guffaw like a fucking chimpanzee with a torch everytime she sees helpless animals being torn apart.

Let’s put aside the barbaric ‘sport’ for a second. Even though I don’t get it, I could write about it all day. Tradition? I don’t know about you, but my boxing day traditions include holding in farts, swearing at the shitty tv and hoping people leave.

What do these people do on Christmas eve? De-feather a live budgie for shits and giggles before a fucking game of Pictionary?

I digress, let’s get back to point of the rant. When it comes to fox hunting the police are as much use as a fucking blue passport without freedom of movement.

I know they’re under funded and under manned blah blah blah, but surely this would be the perfect time to get some fucking revenge for that?

To rip those tory bastards off their horses and arrest them for breaking the fucking law, to humiliate them, instead of maybe looking into it three days later after they find a fuck tonne of dead foxes and people start handing in grainy footage.

If I were in charge of the police I’d have all available resources at these so called hunts. After all, what else is happening on Boxing day? Most normal people are too full of cheese and self loathing to commit crime.

The truth of it boils down to, as always, privilege. Do you think if a gang of council flat teenagers had a tradition of kicking cats to death every Christmas that the police would just allow it?

Would they fuck. But why? It’s probably less barbaric, it wouldn’t be such a massive strain on resources and no horses would break their fucking necks, but let’s face it, these imaginary cat murderers would be in a cell quicker than the flu virus in an interviewee.

Fox hunting may as well be legal, and every time the police turn a blind eye they make a mockery of British law and just reinforce the notion that we have a two tiered justice system.

Usually we go to my mum’s for Christmas, but this year she couldn’t be fucked and wanted a quiet one with her partner, I know why now.

I’m a single dad with two kids and I was actually relishing the idea making Christmas dinner for us all, and so, I invited my dad around too. It’s just a glorified Sunday roast, right? Is it fuck.

My first mistake was doing my shopping on Mad Friday, thinking everyone would be out on the piss. How wrong I was, Morrison’s was packed to the rafters with sad cunts like me, some just disorganised and scrambling for last minute food like semi inebriated zombies, but others were just fucking twats plain and simple.

One woman bought 25 bottles of bleach, and another a forrest worth of plants. I was hyper self aware, hot, sweaty and frustrated, like at the end of a successful date.

I picked one of those small old lady trollies, because the aisle signage hadn’t yet told me I needed to spend around 180 quid on shit that would definitely only fit in a full sized one and that no one would fucking eat.

I bought corn flour for fuck sake, you know, to thicken the gravy for my perfect meal. I bought enough nuts to eradicate the allergic population and no cunt even touched them. Capitalism bum fucked that me day, mistakes were made and lessons were learnt.

Then came the big event. Daddy was hungover to fuck because he was adamant we should leave Santa a full bottle of bourbon this year. The stupid irresponsible cunt.

The presents had been opened, the paper binned, the carpet vacced and all was well. I had all day to prepare, the ham was in the slow cooker and I didn’t have to pick my dad up for hours.

At 4 o’clock I collected him and hurried back to check on my roasties, then 20 minutes later the microwave was pinging, the kettle was clicking, the veggies were over boiling and I’m attempting to make real beef gravy, just like that fucking cunt lipped Jamie Oliver, with the roasting tin on the hob, adding my fucking cornflour and stirring.

Only Jamie wasn’t surrounded by a mountain of fucking pots with shit everywhere and an old man mocking him about the fucking ease of Bisto.

It took hours to make and just 10 minutes for everyone, including myself, to declare we were all full. Don’t get me wrong, I did a good job but I made far too much, I just over faced everyone. The beef has all gone now but there’s a massive ham in fridge that I can’t fucking bear to look at.

In short It’s just not fucking worth it. I strongly suggest you all call your mothers and grandmothers up and tell them you’re going to a pub next year. Give them a fucking rest, they deserve it.

They say you can never have too much of a good thing, unless you’re American and the good thing is sugar of course, but currently we have too much politically correct. There. I said it.

Call me a Tory wanker and burn me at the stake. I don’t fucking care, but before you gather the pitch forks and light the torches, just read that back.

I didn’t say we’re too politically correct. I said there’s too much of it, and if you don’t believe me just watch any magazine show, read any magazine, or open a fucking newspaper. Not The Mail or The Torygraph obviously, how can you enjoy a wank if you’ve contracted fucking Siegheilitous?

Look. I’m a leftie and proud. I don’t fucking ‘identify’ as one, I am one, to me anyway, although some readers would assume I’m Blairite scum because I happen to think Communist era Russia was a bit too murdery, or Communist China for that matter. Fuck it, any Communist regime ever. Admit you cunts, it doesn’t fucking work does it?

Anyway, I digress. I’m a lefty in that I happen to think we shouldn’t have more fucking homeless people on our pavements than those little white stones pressed into them.

I’m a lefty because I believe in fairness, rights and freedom of expression, but personally I don’t agree with gender exploration in children, especially really young ones, it just doesn’t seem right or necessary to me, like religion.

I think children should be allowed to explore who they are and grow up naturally, then when they’re adults they can do whatever they please with their bodies, but that’s just my opinion and I’m certainly no expert.

I can almost hear the outrage brewing in the distance from those who read no further, the sound of a million knitting needles clanging after a hard day’s yogurt weaving, who are getting angrier than a shit haired President with a disabled Twitter account, and that’s fine. I’ve come to expect unbridled rage in our ever so tolerant society.

If you think I’m wrong though, debate me. Show me why. Don’t just call me a bigot and block me, that way we’ll never progress as a society.

My point is this. The more of a minority someone is, the more they appear to be over represented in the media at present.

A white ‘transracial’ man from Florida who identifies as Filipino dominated the headlines the other day. I mean, am I allowed to fucking laugh at the absurdity of that? And if so, for how fucking long before I’m arrested for a hate crime?

We’re Britain, the most tolerant society on the planet. We have to be, the guilt of the empire courses through our veins like heroin in a Glaswegian.

We invented the stiff upper lip for fuck sake. We’re the masters of passive aggressiveness and we’d sooner briefly talk about the weather with someone we’re not too keen on rather than bluntly telling them we don’t like them. Anything for an easy life.

We hate our jobs, tolerate our families and just want to get home and drink alcohol to drown out the futile misery of it all, to the point where we’ll be late for an appointment because the fucking neighbour is outside and we’re hovering near the window until they dissappear because we don’t want to speak to them.

We don’t always love thy neighbour but we accept them. As long as no one interferes in anyone else’s business we’re pretty much ok, but rock that unity boat and you’ll feel our fucking wrath.

One thing we don’t do is shy away from righteous conflict. We don’t need a safe space here in the UK, and we challenge injustice wherever we see it. Mosley failed. UKIP failed. Britain First failed.

We don’t stand for that divisive shit, partly because of morals and partly because we want an easy fucking life.

So let that orange saggy chinned bewilderment gurner come. Let him stay at Buck Palace for all I care. Fuck it, roll out the red carpet for the prick, but let’s make sure we’re lined up on either side of it to tell him what a tiny brained half witted hyper cunt he is for endorsing fake news from Britain’s biggest morons.