Month: November 2017

Did the alt right have a fucking alt education? It appears that being racist not only means that you have atrocious spelling and shit grammar, but that you also failed GCSE history, and yes, I’m ultra aware that I’m treading on very thin ice with this post, and that some clever cunt will no doubt list all of my typos and fuck ups immediately in the comments. It’s a a gamble I’m willing to take.

Ok. Listen you backwards Trump rimming Farage sucking cunt sacks, I’m going to explain a few things. Without sounding too much like Uncle Albert, during the war, the left and the right were a little more extreme than they are now. Almost.

In fact, they were all massive cunts murdering millions of their own. By the end, the only thing that differed was a smart uniform. Ok, it was a little worse for the people on the left as they were more hungry than fucking Eric Pickles at breakfast time, and therefore resorted to eating each other.

To be fair, if you weren’t black, Jewish, gay or a bit miffed with that Hitler fella, you generally had an alright standard of living at the height of the Reich, until they got bombed to fuck, raped, divided and bankrupted that is. Are you learning anything yet? Extreme = Bad.

Yes, the Nazis were called The National Socialist German Workers Party. That doesn’t mean they were socialists. Sometimes it doesn’t do what it says on the fucking tin.

The Nazis were incredibly clever in the early days, before they got higher than Whitney Housten in a bath. They were masters of propaganda and imagery. It’s no accident their uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss, and so their name was picked to appeal to both nationalists (people who don’t kneel for an anthem) and socialists (people who think you should check in on your 90 year old neighbour and not to rob her gold).

The Nazis were hard line far right Fascists who despised anything or anyone that stood in the way of their perfect Aryan vision for Germany.

This isn’t fucking news. What I don’t understand is why cunts who sieg heil, in democratic countries, in fucking 2017, always come back with “But the Nazis were socialists!” As their only comeback when you call them out on it.

Listen you daft twats. You want to be a Nazi but you believe the Nazis were the lefties who you despise? Yeah. Great argument. It makes about as much sense as covfefe.

 

Another day another Tory sex scandal. Who gives a fuck if Damian cracked one off in his office ten years ago or not?

Yes, for you or I a cheeky work wank may be considered a step to far, but for these cunts it’s nothing. What’s a little love custard splat in an environment where getting twatted and chatting shit for four hours to block a debate is considered the norm?

Why is everyone getting outraged about knee touches and self service when just a few years ago a dossier on paedophile MP’s was lost.

It seems half the cabinet were fucking kids with impunity back in the 80’s and not one solitary fuck was given, but stare at someone’s tits for too long in a Parliament bar today and you’re ejected quicker than a remainer in a working man’s club.

Let me absolutely clear. Sexual abuse is fucking wrong in all circumstances, but are we really going to go through every MP’s history with a fine toothed comb looking for every misdemeanour?

I hate the fucking Tories with the burning passion of thousand suns but no government is not better than a shit one.

Yesterday a departing Twitter employee deactivated President Trump’s Twitter account as a parting gift to the rest of the world.

For 11 solid minutes there was a sense of calm and sanity in the air, the likes of which the planet hasn’t seen since 2013. It was nice and familiar again, like Mary Berry or slippers.

Unfortunately that serenity didn’t last long as 67,000 bigoted followers searched for their Führer in unison, as if awoken by a far right Borg queen.

What was happening?? The tiny handed perma tanned shit gibbon hadn’t verbally shat out a half baked, ill conceived, and poorly articulated observation for 10 minutes! Had Kim Jong Un attacked? Even worse, was Twitter down?

They complained in their droves like middle aged women huddled around a customer service counter in Asda on a Saturday afternoon when you just want to buy some fucking fags.

Alas service was promptly restored and we were awaken from our slumber to the fucking never ending shit dystopian waking nightmare we now call reality.

Balance was restored and the wizened face old dementia sufferer was angrier than when a nutter shot at a massive crowd. Back to square fucking one.

Move over Manning, take a step back Chubby, there’s a new twat in town.

Ok, I get that Harriet didn’t actually make up the anti Semitic joke on last night’s episode This Week in the same way I didnt make that cake for last weeks bake sale at work. It came fully formed from Asda, or a racist baker if you like, and I know she didn’t say it to be a bigoted cunt, but come on Harman! That was more ill judged than a fucking Chico comeback tour.

Leave it to the imagination for Christ’s sake. Actually telling the joke to illustrate how bad it is, is like beheading a reporter to let everyone know you disapprove of fucking ISIS.

Also, don’t just casually suggest that the show’s host probably finds it funny as well like you’re just slinging a bit of banter. You basically called the cunt a racist with no proof.

I’ve never seen that giant faced Toby jug so fucking red with rage. For a minute his fucking wig nearly slipped.

Get your fucking shit together woman. The press are already making out that Labour hate Jews more than Hitler and your fuckery isn’t helping matters.

Andrea Leadsom has alleged that the now ex Defense Secretary offered her somewhere to warm her cold hands.

It’s difficult to have an opinion on this with less context than a snide copy of Memento poorly dubbed in Korean with Japanese subtitles, but I’d like to think it was a poorly executed attempt at humour.

Over the mark, crass, vile and not very funny granted, but we all make poor comedic judgements from time to time, just watch any fucking Harry Hill DVD. Actually don’t bother. He’s about as funny as a land mine in a cresch.

Should he have resigned? I’m not so sure. Trying to be any kind of reasonal voice in the current climate is trickier than a Times crossword. Someone will probably call me a fucking rapist sympathiser just for writing these views down.

I don’t think this is turning into a witch hunt yet by any means. There are plenty of genuine rapey twats out there and many more uncomfortable women, all this exposure is a good thing as it’s highlighting an issue which is sadly rife in every industry, but we need to assess what’s abuse and what’s not before it turns into one.

Believe me I hate sticking up for tories more than I do my own reflection, but I’m roughly half Fallon’s age and have probably said worse in my time.

Shit happens and I’m not proud but should I feel I have to resign in 20 or 30 years from now on the say so of a past ‘victim’ without any context? I’m not so sure.

 

It’s amazing isn’t it? That fat tyranical twat and evil Psy tribute has been threatening to destroy the US every day for the past six months, then BOOM! (Metaphorical thank fuck). Silence.

We’re all crapping ourselves like Tories in a dossier that the world is going to end quicker than a UKIP leaders career, and the solution was staring us in the face all along, historical sexual abuse!

Say what you like about Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and co, but they’ve literally stopped World War 3 by groping and raping indiscriminately like a 70’s BBC employee.

They’ve literally sacrificed their careers and reputations for the good of all mankind. God bless them.

Who’d have thought that a bit of scandal would stop that fuck grinned bowl cut in his tracks eh? It’s a fucking miracle. Fuck preparing nukes, let’s just air drop millions of copies of Hello magazine over North Korea. World peace boxed sorted.

 

Around about this time every year you can almost hear the sound of drilling and sawing as a million bigoted cunts come out of the wood work to declare;

“Them Moslems…”

(all dick heads spell Muslim like this)

“can all go back home if dey don’t like are customs and poppys an dont respect are brave men an wimin!!!!!1

Yeah, I’m sure they’re all terrified of a plastic flower symbolising the millions of fallen veterans, many their own relatives, who died ironically fighting against fascist pricks like you.

If Muslims were offended by poppies then Bernard Manning would have worn one every night.

No one hates your flag, wants you to remove your poppy or objects to you celebrating Christmas, and the council are not going to force to say Happy Holidays instead.

And whilst we’re on the subject fucking bacon is not Muslim kryptonite. They don’t fear it like you do with a bath, so putting it on a door handle is a mild inconvenience at best you stupid inbred twats.

 

First Harvey Weinstein, then Kevin Spacey and now Dustin Hoffman. A witch hunt indeed. If the witches were repulsive gropey cunts and the ‘hunters’ were brave women and men who feel like they can finally speak out for the first time after years of suffering in silence that is.

Being a man is uncomfortable right now, and not in a ‘will all those women say anything?’ kind of way, not for the vast majority of us anyway. It’s difficult for a lot of us because we knew this was a problem but nothing on the scale of what has recently come to light.

#MeToo has been trending for weeks now, and it’s been massively eye opening, but as a man I refuse to apologise for any of it.

And with that statement no, I’m not going to turn this into a pathetic diatribe about how us ‘real men’ are victims too. There are no real men. There are flawed blokes trying to do the right thing who have probably fucked up at some point or will in the future, but the point is we outnumber the ones who know full well what they’re doing is wrong yet continue anyway.

I won’t apologise for them. I can’t. It makes me sick to the stomach to think that so many members of my ‘species’ think that this is a perfectly acceptable way to behave.

I would also like to think that I wouldn’t just stand idly by if I saw this behaviour, but I have probably done exactly that in my time on more than one occasion. See above about being flawed but trying to improve.

Something I may have written off in the past as banter, or chatting up, may have been abuse. It may have ruined someone’s day. How would I know? I wasn’t the victim.

That’s where us like minded blokes can really step up. Not by apologising for these rapey twats. They are not, for the most part, us.

However we can look harder at our surroundings. Call each other out when we’ve overstepped the mark and keep ourselves in check.

This is a massive learning curve for every single man on the planet, and if we don’t take these lessons on board now we never will and nothing will ever change. Let’s be the generation to end this shit and not the one that fucks it up.