“I’ve never liked Kevin Spacey. He looks like the after picture in a cosmetic surgery ad after Robert Lindsay’s before shot. A little more taught and defined but still wearing that same smug expression you’d never tire of twatting with a crowbar.”
5. Pound shops usually have fantastic deals on sweets. Stay in one till 8pm and you’ll miss the little cunts knocking on your door.
“And now she’s been given full citizenship, that’s like giving an OBE to a Hoover or Knighting a fucking kettle.”
Knobheads to watch knobhead watching knobheads
“I used to to brag about my pants being the same size as our tele, but that cunt at the tailors said it’s actually 62 inches. That’s bigger than a fucking cinema.”
“Poor porn used to mean a grainy VHS. Now it’s about getting angry at Janice and her 56 kids that YOU’RE paying for…”
Gram for gram Toblerone is now more expensive than crack cocaine with a street value of £9.85 per triangle, or half a Freddo bar.
“If you went trick or treating 15 years ago you were called a cheeky twat and given a hand full of fuck off copper. Now we’re expected to have more sweets than Gary Glitter’s glove box ready for these little bastards…”
“Now call me old fashioned but if you gave a smack head £500 for the month, are you completely certain he’s going to prioritise rent and bills first? Because I think he’d have a massive fucking party.”