Month: September 2017

That fuck browed hate spewer is at it again, but this time she’s coming for the younglings. Stay back you bile filled sack of shit, I mean it. I’d sooner burn my kid’s school down than let you set one cloven hoof over the threshold.

And no, I don’t need a fucking safe space and I’m not scared of differing views, but I will not tolerate hate speech being shat out of the anus mouth of an Apprentice reject and walking fucking tabloid. Keep away you Vulcanesque twat.

Any schools who let this Mein Kampf quoting cunt of a melted Aryan anywhere near out kids should be immediately investigated. Unless they’re using her as example of a what a fucking dinosaur looks like.

Is this it now Hatie? Have you found your level and realised that you share exactly the same following as fucking Jeremy Kyle and TOWIE? What an ingenious way to increase those numbers those! Find people with the same brain capacity. Fucking ten year olds.

Racists accross the country must be shitting themselves now that Farage is down to his last three regenerations. I mean, he’s squandered them quicker than the Tories with Britain’s future.

UKIP are deader than a Monty Python parrot or a fucking Rolf Harris career. They are the UK Independence Party and the UK is now independent, apparently.

Appointing a new leader and adding a pretty picture of a lion to the logo is like spraying cheap Londis air freshner after wrecking the bog with a vindaloo shit. It might smell of chemical apple for a second but you know it’s just masking a stinking cess pit of hate.

Just give up for fuck’s sake. You’ve had more leaders than a fucking Grand National and less seats than a bike. Your devoted Express reading followers don’t give a fuck if it isn’t Farage standing at that lectern, slagging off poles and grinning like a pissed uncle at a christening.

 

“Dose eny1 no wen bin day is”

Yes. Your fucking local authority website you dumb cunt.

“When r kids back in school?”

Use fucking Google for Christ’s sake. The only answers you’re going to get off Facebook are 15 minutes later from your equally brain dead friends, who, incidentally, are probably asking fucking Beyonce on Twitter.

You shouldn’t be asking social media when your fucking kid’s term starts.

Sandra: “Had it wiv men me”

Mandy: “Aw, you ok hun?”

Sandra: “PM me”

Ah the attention seeker and the nosey bitch. A match made in heaven. Sandra doesn’t have any friends and Mandy hasn’t spoken to her for four years.

After this very public exchange, Sandra will inform Mandy that Paul, her dosser of a boyfriend, went out on Friday and didn’t return until Tuesday.

She’ll go on to explain that he stank of cheap perfume and wouldn’t answer his phone, and that she knows what he’s up to but will never leave him because she loves him ‘more than life itself.’

Mandy will then take great pleasure in telling the girls at bingo what a mug Sandra is and what a cunt Paul is.

“Only 5 of my friends will share this post”

You’ll be lucky you unoriginal cunt. They won’t share it because it’s shite. If you want to talk about an illness that’s affected you or to raise awareness about something, don’t use some fucking impersonal generic template and beg for shares.

P.S. Please please please share this post! Only 3 of my friends will. The rest of you just care if I die of AIDS.

 

The Home Office has reportedly handed the Metropolitan Police another £154,000 to extend their search for missing Madeleine McCann.

I’m sorry but this is fucking madness. I’m not going to get into all of that weird conspiracy shit, like when your gullible aunt learnt how to type ‘9/11’ into fucking YouTube, and neither should you.

Regardless of what you read or see when it comes to this case, just remember that you know the same as what Theresa May knows about engaging with the public, absolutely fuck all.

What I have a problem with is the media frenzy and seemingly bottomless pit of cash surrounding this tragedy. Yes, more cash. Great. Continue looking and believe in hope. Fantastic.

But what of the thousands of kids who go missing on our own soil and abroad without fanfare each year? A 30 second clip on local news then a couple of weeks searching and then case closed?

Where’s the fucking justice? Where is their continued funding 10 years later? In a supposedly equal society why are some people treated so differently to others?

Ten years and £11 million later and still no sign of her. I’m not saying they should stop searching or the funding, providing they give other grieving families exactly the same financial support and man hours.

I can’t help wondering what the outcome would have been had this happened to a working class couple holidaying in Blackpool?

I’ve written in depth before about the amount of fucking poor porn on the box, you know, the shite that really gets your blood boiling and your veins sticking out like someone from Kensington who’s inadvertently stumbled into an Aldi.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch Channel 5 at literally any time of the day.

There’ll be some cocky fucking fat twat who’s one Tunnocks away from a fucking heart attack, crying that she can’t keep her swarm of screaming gobshites in Coca Cola and KFC, on the mere 2 grand more a year than you earn actually fucking working for a living.

You’ll want to smash the fuck out of your tele. That’s what this shit is designed to do, and guess what? It fucking works.

Shit like this is why we have working class tories. Turkeys literally voting for Christmas.

People think if they rent a nice flat, have a fucking Peugeot on HP and a 42″ plasma from Littlewoods, that they’re somehow middle class and should vote in the same way.

Get a fucking grip! You’re one Brexit triggered redundancy away from the fucking dole queue you stupid bastards.

The welfare state is flawed yes. People take the piss more than Bernard Manning in a mosque, but it’s just a tiny percentage.

It’s a fucking safety net. People need it from time to time, like the 500,000 public sector workers that Britain breaking bacon pumper sacked off after deciding he was in charge.

If you’re voting Conservative because “them scroungers have sky and a big telly” then you seriously need to evaluate you’re decision and read another paper other than The Sun and watch another channel other than 5.

I can recommend a video The Guardian posted A few months ago about a disabled woman crawling around her poorly designed house with no wheel chair access.

She has to pay for her meds now and guess what? She can’t fucking afford them, so she goes without.

She lives off fucking milk for Christ’s sake, in Britain in 2017. She’s not the only one, and if you vote for more of that you’re a fucking cunt. I don’t care what class you are.

Banning travel from North Korea is like banning the Tories from helping fucking poor people. They were never going to do it in the first place.

I’ve seen some stupid fucking things over the last few weeks in this dick swinging war of words. Threats to totally destroy a whole country with fire and fury, and that’s just from President Tan Sack.

That’s not some Chinese bloke by the way, it’s just another playful name i have for that geriatric hay haired sack of shit, Donald Trump.

I get it, I really do. That chubby power hungry despot is scary but Kim Jong Un is terrifying. There’s no safe guards with that cunt. Anyone in his administration who shows the tiniest hint of concern gets completely obliterated, and not in a good Friday night out in Newcastle kind of way.

So yes, they need to be sanctioned. They also need to be invited to the table, not with that wizened faced shit gibbon obviously, that would be like Jimmy Savile giving Josef Fritzle fucking counselling, but China could pacify them.

Banning North Koreans from going to America though. Is he fucking serious? They get shot for trying to cross the border to China. They can’t afford to eat for Christ’s sake, they’re fed solely on a diet of fucking propaganda, mythology and beatings.

Fuck. They probably think aeroplanes flying overhead are metal dragons protecting them from the evil West.

These shitty fads come and go faster than Lib Dem leaders. Yes we’ve fucking heard of elf on shelf and adopted it into British lore like racism and diabetes, and anything else shit that we see and like on American sitcoms.

2015: “elf on shelf. Eh? What the fucks that?”

2016: “Have you seen our elf on shelf? It’s been in the family for 6 generations!”

Fuck off.

Now. I’ve spent more column inches talking about elf on shelf than the lengh of the weapon of mass disruption hidden in Trump’s pants. Two. But I’m actually ranting about the ‘hilarious’ memes that are currently going viral, which take the concept and skewer it into something so clever it will blow you mind! They rhyme other shit!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about I’ll give you an example; a typical meme would show a photoshopped picture of say Jeremy Hunt on top of Jeremy Hunt, and the caption would read ‘Cunt on a Cunt’. Thats the basic premise.

Soon the masses will realise that this is funny for about 1.3 seconds, before it occurs to them that it’s just the same old shit, like the new iPhone.

Remember Bob? He did stuff for a day based on common sense and not being a twat, before disappearing into obscurity like Virgin Cola, or Theresa May in three months.

Be like Bob. Dissappear and stop sharing shit fucking memes that are as funny as bowel surgery.

Brexit. I fucking hate that word. Ironically it sounds like a cheap imitation Kit Kat from a fucking European supermarket. I can see the Aldi ad now; ‘Have a rest, have a Brexit.’

I wish we would have a rest, I mean, who’s fucking bright idea was this? Oh yeah, that loaded fucking toadmimicker, ‘man of the people’ tweed clad cunt. Only he had no power did he? Apart from the Brexit hating BBC giving the twat rolling 24/7 news coverage for 5 years, like he’s a fucking dead royal.

He didn’t instigate it though did he? So we can’t dump all responsibility on the prick. No, that was the fault of the balding lipless pig fancier, who assumed that the public would blindly and automatically do what a man who fucked the UK like it was the star of Babe instructed them to.

So here we are now. 1 vs 27. More fucked than Marilyn Monroe in the 50’s.

Now I’m not getting all nationalistic and patriotic, that’s what got us into this fucking mess in the first place, we’re like the world’s shittest Nazis.

I will point out however, that we’ve gone from being the biggest empire on the globe to an annoying fucking piss head who’s just glassed the landlord, needs to leave, wants to stay friends with everyone, but won’t pay his fucking bar tab.

We’re an embarrassment. A petulant 5 year old with its fingers in its ears, running around the play ground screaming Brexit means Brexit over and over again. Ner ner na fucking ner ner.

All the other countries know we’re fucked, all the economists know we’re fucked, but we’re still lying on the bed, foggy headed, post Miss. World after party, looking up at a topless grinning Trump and wondering.

It’s going to be great though, think of all the new trade deals! We can swap queuing and a sense of irony with America for Type 2 diabetes and poor spelling.

What exactly are we going to fucking export by the way? We don’t fucking produce anything anymore apart from self doubt and small talk.

Our whole fucking economy is based on PPI claims. As soon as Irene in Peterborough realises she’s owed 8 grand from Barclays we’re fucked, the illusion will shatter quicker than an X-Factor finalist’s career.

Come on, you must regret your decision now that the novelty has worn off.

Is it depressing? Like being the last kid in class getting his eagerly awaited fidget spinner, only to realise it’s just fucking rotating metal and there is no money for the NHS or any sense of hope.

Yes, the majority have spoken! Well sorry but the majority are thick fucking cunts.

“Oh that silly old prick with the shit hair gone done another whoopsie.”

Let’s all laugh at how fucking stupid the senile old cunt is again.

The trouble is that if you really think about it it’s not funny at all is it? Be honest. We’re all laughing at his fucking Narnia gaff because if we didn’t, we’d probably polish off that Christmas brandy from the cupboard and drive the family estate into a brick wall With the little ‘uns in the back.

His gaffes are about as funny as a fucking Lisa Riley era episode of You’ve Been Framed, and they’re wearing thinner than a Brexit NHS promise.

Just yesterday he stood in front of all the other countries and actually spoke about how cruel Kim Jong Un is to his own people, and that he’d fix it by completely vaporising them. That’s like Jim fixing it for some NSPCC kids without the the fucking cameras rolling.

This geriatric fixident advert is the most powerful man in the entire fucking world, and he’s slinging out nuclear holocaust rhetoric like a parady Bond villain whilst we’re all talking about how silly he is for making up a country.

I wish he could actually make up countries, that way his talk of destroying them wouldn’t be so fucking painfully terrifying.

I never was a gambler. I bought the odd scratch card of course, regularly paid my idiot tax with dreams of winning 5 grand just like the next cunt. Sometimes I even won a pound so I could swap it for another fucking misery token.

Then came the day that ruined my life. As a manic depressive with a so far pretty fucking dire existence, I’ve got a very addictive personality. If it gives me any form of pleasure I’ll eat, drink, smoke or snort it. I’ve got more vices than a fucking B&Q warehouse.

I digress, I was in my local about four years ago drinking away my pain with a couple of mates. One said “let’s go for a spin.” I was so naive back then where gambling was concerned. I wish I still was.

“A spin” involved us each putting £20 into a pot and wandering over to the nearest resting den of the damned. A one stop shop for the terminally self loathing dregs of society, banging illuminated screens and cursing them, when in actual fact they were cursing their own inability to retain a modicum of self control. This was hell on earth and unbeknown to me, I’d soon be one of those dregs.

We won! Not huge but enough to entice. Our combined £60 meant we left with a healthy £260 each. £240 profit for standing in front of a machine, pressing numbers and waiting for a virtual wheel to spin. Piece of piss. Or so I thought.

Twenty minutes later we were back. I laughed at my mates as they each squandered their cash. They were mugs and I was clever. Bored, I put a tenner in the fourth machine, the other three were occupied by my friends and an angry drunk. There’s only four allowed in each shop. Each can take £80,000 a hour since Gordon Brown relaxed betting laws to make way for a super casino which never transpired.

I won! Another £270. Piece of piss! I lent my friends money so we could carry on drinking. I was smug and they were losers.

That week I went back every night and every night I won, until I didn’t.

A tenner here, fifty quid there. It added up quicker than the Trump border wall cost. I was fucked. Each pay day I fed my hard earned cash into a virtual roulette machine quicker than an ex PM fucking a pig at an initiation ceremony.

I got more payday loans than UKIP in an election campaign. I was living in my dad’s spare room and every ‘night out’ resulted in 1 pint, a five mile walk home and me contemplating throwing myself off the nearest railway bridge.

Long story short I got my act together. Certain circumstances forced me to and an inner strength I always had but hadn’t realised prevailed. Than fuck!

Occasionally I crumble. I go back to square one and revert to form, and each time I do I fall into a dark cloud of depression. This shit never leaves you.

Most aren’t so stong. Most with this affliction spend every day of their tortuous lives cramped up in these high street prison cells, desperately trying to ‘win big’ and set themselves free. That never happens of course because they give it all back to book maker.

It’s a disease and it’s ruining lives and our towns.