You’ve got 1 day left to register to vote…

If you’re young then you’re probably sick to death of hearing this but for fuck sake register to vote.

For every one of you that can’t be arsed, there’s a 100 fucking pensioners already filling up their flasks, frothing at the bit to vote for Kim Jong May and her strong and stable attack on everything you hold dear.

Just do it. It takes 5 minutes, unless you’ve got debt collecters after you, in which case give it a miss because they’ll have your address and you’ll end up with that patronising old wig wearing cunt from ‘Can’t Pay We’ll Take it Away’ on your doorstep.

The tories are going to win. There’s no doubt in my mind about that because people are fucking thick. That’s not an excuse not to vote though. At least you’ll be able to say you did your bit.

I don’t care who you vote for but just remember this….

The Tories have increased the national debt by £550 billion, doubled the amount of homeless people and plunged hundreds of thousands of children into poverty. The number of food banks has increased by 400% under them. Fucking food banks, in the fifth richest economy in world. That is madness.

Zero hour contracts are through the roof. The NHS is being sold off, dismantled and privatised. Disability benefit has been cut by £30 a week.

If you’re 5 minutes late to your job centre interview you can be sanctioned meaning you don’t get money to pay your bills or feed your kids. People are literally killing themselves as a result of these policies.

Pensions have decreased. Police funding has been cut. Public services like libraries and swimming pools have closed down. Sure Start Centres have closed. I could go on.

Basically if you give a shit about people who aren’t millionaires don’t fucking vote Conservative.

And if some bedraggled manic eyed hyper cunt, with teeth like the piano keys from from the film Big pops up on YouTube and tells you to rip up your polling cards, ignore the fucking twat.

Scrap free school meals?

Are you fucking serious? You don’t want to be Thatcher anymore do you? You want her to be remembered as a fucking soft touch.
Cruella is far too Disney. Let’s inject a bit of real culture into this campaign. You’ve gone full on Mr. fucking Bumble but you can’t have more if there’s fuck all to begin with.
You’re Mary Antoinette without the misquote. You’re not even going to give the kiddies bread, let alone cake.
And dementia tax, what? Are you hoping they’ll just fucking forget? You may as well send MP’s round dressed like fucking gas men ‘to read the meter’ before robbing the poor cunts blind.
They’ll still vote in their fucking droves though won’t they. Millions of deluded working class wankers who are convinced they’re middle class, because they have a Fiat 500 on HP and a fucking Smart TV from Littlewoods.
Yes, you and your merry band of media tycoons have got people one slip away from the dole hating everyone drawing it. What’s the Wizard of Oz’s next trick? Get people on minimum wage despising the NHS? Is this the direction in which we’re moving now?
That decomposing bile filled bollock could turn Lord Sugar against money for fuck sake.
Initially I thought you just didn’t want to win because Brexit is going to be a fucking shit storm. Now I’m not so sure.
You’re as arrogant as an ‘in talks with Netflix’ Clarkson and as out of touch as fucking Bez on crack.

I can’t wait for the unveiling of the Conservative Manifesto….

I can’t wait for the unveiling of the Conservative Manifesto. A year off work unpaid to look after your dying granny so the NHS doesn’t have to. Fuck me, that’s a vote winner right there. I suppose at home your fully patched Windows 10 laptop won’t accidentally make a brew instead of running her dialysis machine, before asking you for your fucking credit card details.

That wasn’t a hack by the way, that was just the tories dipping their toe in the water, to see how the public would react when asked to pop their pin in for a cheeky look at their own Virgin medical records.

So what are the other policies on offer? 100 x 0 hour contracts? A promise of 100 guaranteed no hours per month?

200 brand new food banks a year for the next 5 years?

Compulsory assisted dying for those deemed a burden to the Democratic Republic of Great England?

Let’s be honest, the rumoured announcements so far have been less dazzling than a Lada headlight haven’t they? Corbyn’s going to end world poverty with a fucking poem at a rally, Farron’s walking around in a ‘I’m the 48%’ T-Shirt whilst smoking a spliff, and Paul Nutall is in some alien town, pretending he’s lived there all his life whilst having an existential crises over his 9th pint of Carling.

And what are you doing Theresa? Apart from being miffed at disabled people and creaming yourself over dead foxes? Ah that’s right, promising people no money for not working.

It’s like you don’t want to win. It’s like you’ve just thought ‘ah, no one wanted this job did they?’ when you realised that Brexit means fucking nightmare. Has the penny finally dropped? Have you realised that this is going to more chaotic than a late Boris looking for his fucking car keys?

Well it’s too late now. Fox hunting isn’t going to swing it. You could literally stand in front of a lectern tomorrow and announce the hunger games and you’d still win by a fucking landslide.

Corbyn could turn water into wine before ascending to heaven and Mail readers would be pointing out his obvious fucking drink problem.

There’s no turning back now.

Jezza man, wake the fuck up. You’ve got three weeks…

Jezza man, wake the fuck up. You’ve got three weeks to sort your fucking shit out. I know, I know, kinder fairer politics blah blah blah. That shit won’t wash pal. You can’t fight the fucking Nazis by throwing rose petals and expressing your disdain through the medium of interpretive dance.

The world is on the brink of nuclear war so shut the fuck up about abolishing Trident for now. We love an underdog in the UK but not a fucking liability son. So get yourself a fucking spin doctor and a suit, play the establishment game and for fuck sake memorise your notes because at the moment you sound like a confused missing grandfather at a bus station.

You won’t win, you can’t fucking win and even if you were competent, that cunt Murdoch will devour you like John Prescott with cake at a christening. Still, taking all that into consideration, a fucking brick would be better than these shower of cunts.

So, get to it, I want to see a Rocky style montage of you holding babies, people laughing at your anecdotes, you stood in a new hospital with your sleeves rolled up and your tie tucked into your shirt, and on building sites with a high visibility jacket and a hard hat. Yes, the only way you can win over the great British brainless bastards is to become a fucking mock Tory.