Thank fuck that shooter didn’t kneel for the National Anthem

Thank fuck that shooter didn’t kneel for the National Anthem

Can you imagine the Twitter storm caused by Tornado Trump if that gun toting cunt had disrespected a piece of material as well as commiting the worse atrocity on US soil in recent history?

Sure, murdering 50 people and injuring countless others is bad enough, but by fuck don’t try and peacefully protest. That’s lower than an NRA members IQ.

It puts things into perspective a little doesn’t it you orange pug mouthed cunt? You can rant for hours and hours about sports personalities kneeling, especially if they’re black ones.

But how long will you condemn this terrorist, sorry, lone unhinged wolf for before proclaiming that some of these murderers are good people who are just a little misunderstood ?

What action will take you take on this back of this? How many more people will be slain on your streets before you realise that everyone carrying a weapon is fucking shit idea?

Oh hang on, look at that Muslim over there. He didn’t salute the flag. He’s not a real patriot. Ban all Muslims! Forget about the lone nutter and the thousands of others just like him. The real threat is over there. Quick! Look over there.

Mocking disabled people is wrong so let’s all watch The Undatables

“Badge it up however you like but it’s just an excuse to laugh at poetry man, who inexplicably appears in every fucking series like Miranda Hart in Miranda.”

Some would argue that this modern day televised Bedlam is about hope and people finding happiness. I say bullshit.

Badge it up however you like but it’s just an excuse to laugh at poetry man, who inexplicably appears in every fucking series like Miranda Hart in Miranda. Or to gaffaw at some poor Tourettes suffer who repeatedly calls a potential mate ‘cunt’ like me ironically with my ex.

Be honest. You don’t want to see wedding bells. You want to see two people struggling to converse in a ‘normal’ every day manner.

Talking awkwardly instead about their fucking spoon collection, whilst being narrated over by a patronising cunt in the tone of a first year primary school teacher, attempting to set the set the scene by failing to explain advanced physics to her scared new 4 year old pupils.

Don’t watch it. I stopped when I realised it’s not entertainment, just fucking lazy exploitative shit.

We already have enough poor porn on TV to keep Iain Duncan Smith wanking for a life time. Let’s not add this crap to the mix.

 

Cheer up put your face straight and go for a walk

People are always full of wisdom when it comes to debilitating illnesses they’ve never had. It’s like I always say to my neighbour who suffers from chronic emphysema;

“Have you tried Benylin?”

People are always full of wisdom when it comes to debilitating illnesses they’ve never had. It’s like I always say to my neighbour who suffers from chronic emphysema;

“Have you tried Benylin?”

Obviously I don’t. I don’t even have a neighbour with emphysema, or one I’d even fucking talk to for that matter, but if I did, I wouldn’t, because I’m not a gormless cunt.

Depression is like that tiny nagging voice of doubt you sometimes hear has rented out a sound stage in your skull, and has become a permenant resident DJ.

All you can hear is “what’s the point?”, “you’re not good enough”, “you’re going to fail so no point in bothering again eh?” It’s your voice but it sounds like fucking Chris Evans is taunting you.

Your vision becomes tunnelled and you’re stranded in the dark. Literally the only thing you look forward to is sleep, and after all the sleep you could possibly need and more, you’re still more knackered than a Ryan Air relief pilot.

To someone who’s never experienced depression it’s difficult for me to explain and even more difficult for you to comprehend. It’s like Diane Abbot and basic maths.

You can’t snap out of it or pull yourself together. You can’t think positive when all of your thoughts are clouded with utter despair and desperation, and it can’t be fixed by a pretty picture of fucking trees with a nice quote on it.

So shut the fuck, keep your ill informed opinions to yourselves and leave us the fuck alone.

Thank God all those armed people prevented the biggest shooting in American history

“50 people dead and 200 injured! This is what happens when you mix heavy weaponry with fucking Country music.”

When will the US learn that selling fucking guns in supermarkets is a shit idea? They’re easier to procure than a bag of smack in Salford for fuck’s sake.

“Can I buy a sub machine gun?”

“Jeez I dunno. You gowna kill anyone?”

“Nah, probably just hunt deer and shit”

“That’s good enough for me. Sign your X here”

50 people dead and 200 injured! This is what happens when you mix heavy weaponry with fucking Country music.

Can you imagine if us Brits carried guns? All that stiff upper lip, passive aggressive shit would go straight out of the window quicker than a kid in a Children’s ward on a Jimmy Savile fund raising day.

“Of course you can go in front of me. You only have beans and I’m not in a rush at all”

BOOM

The NRA bumming Trump fucking rednecks will always defend people carrying guns by saying good people with guns will kill the bad ones before they do any damage.

Well I’m sorry but no one get that fucking memo in Vegas?

Mogg being anti abortion is like Bernard Matthews declaring he’s a vegetarian

“He admitted to Morgan that he was anti abortion, even in the case of incestual rape. Which is funny because I heard Kalashnikov was vehemently against gun crime.”

The multi-millionaire MP for 1846 and living Walter the Softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, recently told Piers Morgan that he’s ‘pro life’, which is twat speak for anti choice. I’m surprised the fucking universe didn’t implode with the sheer gravitational cunt power generated from the two massive egos colliding.

It has since transpired that Mogg profits from the sale of abortion pills, with his company having nearly £5 million worth of shares in Kalbe Farma, an Indonesian firm which produces the pills to prevent ulcers, but are also known to trigger terminations.

The animated ventrilquist’s doll admitted to Morgan that he was anti abortion, even in the case of incestual rape. Which is funny because I heard Kalashnikov was vehemently against gun crime.

Defending himself Mogg said; “It would be wrong to pretend that I like it but the world is not always what you want it to be.”

Well I for one whole heartedly agree with the P G Wodehouse escapee. The world isn’t how I’d want it to be either. For example, I’d like walking top hatted exclamation marks who masquerade as conviction politicians to actually back up their principles with actions.

How dare you preach the teachings of an obsolete religion to millions of morning TV viewers whilst doing the complete opposite on a massive scale, you arrogant smirking fuck faced hypocrite.

Tory voters can delude themselves all they like that Mogg is different to the others, but it’s just a another example of the same old Tory bull shit. Profit before people, even if it shits all over their core values.

It’s satire not ‘fake news’

“Here’s a helpful guide; If it’s bizarre or funny and you’ve never heard of the news site it’s been shared from, then it’s probably a fucking gag you thick cunt.”

I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing about fake news, alt-facts and post truths. You know what an alternative fact is? Not a fucking fact.

In the good old days, about three weeks ago, a post truth was called a fucking lie. It’s worrying that this alt-language has grabbed such a hold, and is ironically being perpetuated by a mainstream media who are the biggest fucking perpetrators of fake news. Yet they have the audacity to give you fucking ‘helpful guides’ on how to spot it.

Here’s a helpful guide; If it’s bizarre or funny and you’ve never heard of the news site it’s been shared from, then it’s probably a fucking gag you thick fucking cunt.

If you read it in a news paper or saw it on the TV then it’s state propaganda from fucking Kim Jong May.

The powers that be are scared that you might put down your copy of the Daily Mail for a second and get distracted by something online that might affect how you vote. You know, like a fucking meme about homelessness doubling since the tories came to power.

They’re petrified that your tiny little minds might pull that statistic up when you’re at the booth. Floating to the top of an ocean of fucking strong and stables.

Some of my favourite sites are being branded as fake news and people are being warned to be ‘cautious’ of them. Absolute bollocks!

What is now branded as fake news used to be called satire back when we had brains and didn’t steal all of our terminology from a fucking orange wizen faced perma tanned cunt.

Pages like The Rochdale Herald, NewsThump, The Onion and SNN unashamedly present their articles as real news when shared over a social media platform, but dig a little deeper and go to their home pages, and most will tell you they are in fact satirical, you know, incase you’re slower than fucking Diane Abbot adding 5 and 7.

Satire provides a valuable public service and us Brits are masters of the art. Good satire should question authority, hold a mirror up to society, challenge your opinions and even make you piss your pants laughing. Spitting Image wasn’t branded as fake, neither was The Day To Day, Brass Eye, Rory Bremner or The Thick of It.

So, embrace ‘the fake news’, share it, laugh at it and discuss it. Earth isn’t a nice place at the moment as we all hurtle back to the 1930’s.

Your government wants to spy on you, it wants to divide you by making you despise each other and it wants you to be submissive and not to question it.

Challenge the ignorant. Rip the Daily Mail from their hate filled fists and explain why it’s bollocks. Tell them the X-Factor is fucking shite and there’s a tonne of real music by talented people out there. Tell them it’s not ok to not care about politics or the news and that all the benefits programmes on Channel 5 are not an accurate reflection of fucking society.

Stay awake, wake others and fight the good fight.

Fuckity bye.

 

Notorious hate preacher to tour the UK indoctrinating kids

“This time she’s coming for the younglings. Stay back you bile filled sack of shit, I mean it. I’d sooner burn my kid’s school down than let you set one cloven hoof over the threshold.”

That fuck browed hate spewer is at it again, but this time she’s coming for the younglings. Stay back you bile filled sack of shit, I mean it. I’d sooner burn my kid’s school down than let you set one cloven hoof over the threshold.

And no, I don’t need a fucking safe space and I’m not scared of differing views, but I will not tolerate hate speech being shat out of the anus mouth of an Apprentice reject and walking fucking tabloid. Keep away you Vulcanesque twat.

Any schools who let this Mein Kampf quoting cunt of a melted Aryan anywhere near out kids should be immediately investigated. Unless they’re using her as example of a what a fucking dinosaur looks like.

Is this it now Hatie? Have you found your level and realised that you share exactly the same following as fucking Jeremy Kyle and TOWIE? What an ingenious way to increase those numbers those! Find people with the same brain capacity. Fucking ten year olds.

UKIP appointing a new leader is like the BBC rebooting Eldorado

“Just give up for fuck’s sake. You’ve had more leaders than a fucking Grand National and less seats than a bike.”

Racists accross the country must be shitting themselves now that Farage is down to his last three regenerations. I mean, he’s squandered them quicker than the Tories with Britain’s future.

UKIP are deader than a Monty Python parrot or a fucking Rolf Harris career. They are the UK Independence Party and the UK is now independent, apparently.

Appointing a new leader and adding a pretty picture of a lion to the logo is like spraying cheap Londis air freshner after wrecking the bog with a vindaloo shit. It might smell of chemical apple for a second but you know it’s just masking a stinking cess pit of hate.

Just give up for fuck’s sake. You’ve had more leaders than a fucking Grand National and less seats than a bike. Your devoted Express reading followers don’t give a fuck if it isn’t Farage standing at that lectern, slagging off poles and grinning like a pissed uncle at a christening.

 

Stop asking Facebook what time fucking Asda closes

“Dose eny1 no wen bin day is”

Yes. Your fucking local authority website you dumb cunt.

“Dose eny1 no wen bin day is”

Yes. Your fucking local authority website you dumb cunt.

“When r kids back in school?”

Use fucking Google for Christ’s sake. The only answers you’re going to get off Facebook are 15 minutes later from your equally brain dead friends, who, incidentally, are probably asking fucking Beyonce on Twitter.

You shouldn’t be asking social media when your fucking kid’s term starts.

Sandra: “Had it wiv men me”

Mandy: “Aw, you ok hun?”

Sandra: “PM me”

Ah the attention seeker and the nosey bitch. A match made in heaven. Sandra doesn’t have any friends and Mandy hasn’t spoken to her for four years.

After this very public exchange, Sandra will inform Mandy that Paul, her dosser of a boyfriend, went out on Friday and didn’t return until Tuesday.

She’ll go on to explain that he stank of cheap perfume and wouldn’t answer his phone, and that she knows what he’s up to but will never leave him because she loves him ‘more than life itself.’

Mandy will then take great pleasure in telling the girls at bingo what a mug Sandra is and what a cunt Paul is.

“Only 5 of my friends will share this post”

You’ll be lucky you unoriginal cunt. They won’t share it because it’s shite. If you want to talk about an illness that’s affected you or to raise awareness about something, don’t use some fucking impersonal generic template and beg for shares.

P.S. Please please please share this post! Only 3 of my friends will. The rest of you just care if I die of AIDS.

 

Another £154k to find Maddie appears from the magic money tree

“I can’t help wondering what the outcome would have been had this happened to a working class couple holidaying in Blackpool?”

The Home Office has reportedly handed the Metropolitan Police another £154,000 to extend their search for missing Madeleine McCann.

I’m sorry but this is fucking madness. I’m not going to get into all of that weird conspiracy shit, like when your gullible aunt learnt how to type ‘9/11’ into fucking YouTube, and neither should you.

Regardless of what you read or see when it comes to this case, just remember that you know the same as what Theresa May knows about engaging with the public, absolutely fuck all.

What I have a problem with is the media frenzy and seemingly bottomless pit of cash surrounding this tragedy. Yes, more cash. Great. Continue looking and believe in hope. Fantastic.

But what of the thousands of kids who go missing on our own soil and abroad without fanfare each year? A 30 second clip on local news then a couple of weeks searching and then case closed?

Where’s the fucking justice? Where is their continued funding 10 years later? In a supposedly equal society why are some people treated so differently to others?

Ten years and £11 million later and still no sign of her. I’m not saying they should stop searching or the funding, providing they give other grieving families exactly the same financial support and man hours.

I can’t help wondering what the outcome would have been had this happened to a working class couple holidaying in Blackpool?