Get twatted everyday because you’ll be working ’til you drop

“68 though! That’s double the life expectancy of your average fucking Scot.”

Like a 6th former telling a maths teacher to fuck off on the last day of term, the government has just pissed 6 million people off by telling them they’ll be working until they’re 68, if they’re not shitting into a bag by then. Saying that they’ll probably get dumped in a field an employed as fucking mobile fertilisers.

I like how they did that by the way, just before going off on their summer holidays. Nonchalantly dropping the bomb like a clueless Trump, then retreating to the fucking Winchester and waiting for this whole thing to blow over. Not that I care, I’ll be fucking well dead before I’m 68.

68 though! That’s double the life expectancy of your average fucking Scot. Everything will be done by robots by then anyway. How many fucking Asda Greeters can there be in a country of this size?

So, fuck it. Get wankered, throw caution to wind. You may as well die fucking young and happy, instead of wasting those precious years in which you’re supposed to turn racist and piss yourself grafting like a bastard.

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Corpse of Terry Wogan earning more than highest paid female BBC presenter

Corpse of Terry Wogan earning more than highest paid female BBC presenter

The BBC has been forced to admit the massive disparity in pay between its male and female ‘talent’.

Over paid public sector workers like nurses were furious to learn that Claudia Winkleman only earns £450,000, compared to that ginger dullard Chris Evans, who earns a meagre £2,200,000. Maybe if she opened her fucking eyes she might earn a bit more?

Joking and comparisons aside, obviously someone who wipes shitty arses and saves lives could never earn as much as someone capable of reading fucking moving words off a screen.

It’s no laughing matter though, the BBC’s revelations have just shone a fuck off spotlight on society as a whole. Who gives a fuck if the the next doctor is female?

It’s 2017 for Christ’s sake. We’re equal. Pay women what they’re fucking worth.

Stop throwing acid at people you fucking cunts

Why is this suddenly a thing? Has the word gone fucking nuts?

You must have to be a special kind of coward to ‘attack’ someone by throwing some liquid at them. That’s some tiny penis rooted, deeply psychological, self loathing for you right there.

How ugly do you have to be, both inside and out, to permanently disfigure someone, to change their lives forever, to rob them of their self confidence and potentially blind them in the process? All because you’re a jealous, insecure little prick.

All violence is wrong, obviously, but to literally melt someone’s face off then run away puts them on the same level as fucking sex offenders. They’re utter scum.

People who carry out these acts should marked for life. Branded on their faces so that everyone knows to steer well clear of the cowardly, brainless, cunts.

We should not live a society where bottles of Evian are feared for fuck sake, unless it’s about the price.

 

 

New Cyber Women to win every battle with superior organizational skills

New Cyber Women to win every battle with superior organizational skills

Throughout Doctor Who’s 50 year run, the menacing Cybermen were always easily thwarted by the protagonist by the end of the episode.

The show has recently seen an overhaul, with Jodie Whittaker replacing Peter Capaldi in the next series, to become the first ever female Doctor.

Complete with a Sonic lipstick and a TARDIS filled with scatter cushions, this won’t be the only big change that the show will see.

The new Cyber Women are not to be trifled with as the new Doctor will soon find out. Using their superior organizational skills, shear determination and a knack for reading The Doctor’s texts, they are destined to always be one step ahead and win every battle.

Jodie Whittaker is set for her introduction in the up coming Christmas special, and the episode will feature three incarnations of The Doctor. The next series is expected to be aired on the BBC next year.

 

Barry Scott started the Big Bang scientists claim

Barry Scott started the Big Bang scientists claim

After decades of study on the origins of the Big Bang, scientists have concluded that it was in fact started by Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang! TV advertising campaign.

The theory suggests that when Mr. Scott was banging some dirt in one of the recordings, some of the cleaning fluid fell into a miniature black hole and travelled back in time to jump start the whole of existance, billions of years ago.

“I couldn’t fucking believe it. I literally Cillited the fuck into everything. It’s fucking mental”

Said Mr. Scott, who is now a tree Surgeon in Hove.

I asked Cillit Bang for comment, but they told me to do one, as this is clearly a poorly conceived cry for attention.

Barry from Eastenders cast as next Wonder Woman

Barry from Eastenders cast as next Wonder Woman

Is the kind of stupid statement dick heads in pubs across the country will make tonight. No. It’s not the fucking same. The Doctor Is a fictional alien who can turn into anyone. He/she has more fucking faces than a Big Brother finalist. Turning female at some point was inevitable, and I won’t feel guilty about fancying the doctor anymore, like with Tenant.

Despite the faux outrage we’ve got to look forward to tomorrow in shit rags like the Mail and The Express, the next Bond won’t be called fucking Jemina and a black dwarf won’t be playing the Queen in the next biopic.

Things move on and change. It’s what makes us grow as a society, and let’s just be absolutely fuckin clear on this this. Doctor Who is kids tv show.

If you don’t like it watch one of the other twelve doctors from its 50 year run and stop whining like little prick.

 

 

Doctor Who rebrands as Nurse Who

Doctor Who rebrands as Nurse Who

In a shock announcement, Jodie Whittaker will be the first female to take on the mantle of Time Lord from Peter Capaldi in the shows 50 year history.

As the news broke, Jeremy Clarkson automatically turned into a vegan, Piers Morgan went on an equality march and Katie Hopkins felt an overwhelming urge to donate £10,000 to a refugee charity.

Up became down, left became right, the sun shone blue, the oceans boiled and Jeremy Corbyn burnt a fifty pound note in front of a homeless person.

Before the allotted time slot for tennis was even over the world literally started to implode. It raised many questions like; Are woman equal now? Will they fuck Bond over? Has the pay gap closed?

Luckily Phillip Hammond was hand to sort it all out by forcing the BBC to rebrand the popular show to Nurse Who. It would explain the difference in salary from that of a normal Time Lord and would ensure Jodie Whittaker wouldn’t crash the TARDIS by attempting to fly it.

Fuck off Blair

“You look like a haunted faux leather handbag you fucking dead eyed deciever.”

We need to ‘rise up’ against Brexit says the man who ignored a million protesters. Fuck off! Borrow a Delorian and go back to ’97 when you had some respect and morals, you ironic former Middle East Peace Envoy.

You look like a haunted faux leather handbag you fucking dead eyed deciever. You ‘respect the will of the people’ and yet you think you can stop Brexit? You can’t, it’s done, we’ve fucked it. The fucking ham faced pig fancier saw to that.

Yes, some people may regret their decision, that’s what happens when they’re fed pellets of steaming hot bullshit. Remember? You fucking taut skinned psycho gazed irrelevance.

You’re a shadows, shadow of your former self. Internally you’re perpetually justifying your fuckery and convincing yourself you did the right thing. Externally, your cadaver lips slowly part to reveal your crooked teeth as your cheeks rise to meet your road map forehead. The cold piercing eyes never move though. This is your smile, it’s faker than Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

There’s nothing left is there? You’re a husk, a hologram, a shedded snake skin crudely pulled over a shit Blair statue carved by a manic depressive ex Labour supporter, you fucking vacant robot.

Treeza didn’t want to wear £1000 leather pants

“I’m sorry but how is she going to negotiate Brexit if someone can force a pair of trousers on her like some sick reverse rapist?”

An aide persuaded her into the fashion faux pas apparently. I’m sorry but how is she going to negotiate Brexit if someone can force a pair of trousers on her like some sick reverse rapist?

She alo reportedly shed a tear on election night. What happened? Did the fucking human effect, latex face mask malfunction? Don’t cry pet, you called the election. You should have been prepared for it blowing up in your face faster than a n****r in a woodpile remark.

It’s almost like she’s trying to appear normal. ‘Look at me, I cry and shit like commoners.’ But it won’t work. It’s too late, like a southern rail train, or Boris  going to literally any meeting.

The public have made their minds up. You’re unfit for purpose like cheap council flat cladding. Your days are numbered. Even if you persuade the electorate, the rest of your party are sharpening their knives. What’s it like to know how Jeremy Corbyn felt for two years?

Let’s all laugh at the poor people

“Listen. If I really wanted to look at a load of scrounging, jobless scum, I’d open my blinds and peer out of my fucking window.”

What Shall I watch tonight, Benefits Street or Benefits Britain, Benefits by the Sea or 56 Kids and Counting, about a slag who’s clunge has been stretched more than a day time TV budget?

Or maybe I should watch Life on the Dole or Can’t Pay, We’ll Take it Away? Yeah I think I’ll watch that last one, that’s my favourite. Isn’t it nice how that old cunt with the wig patronises people for 10 minutes before ruining their lives and making them homeless in a really comforting way. It’s fucking beautiful isn’t it?

Let’s remember that without day there is no night though. The Jeremy Kyle show has exploited more poor people than fucking Cash Generator.

Listen. If I really wanted to look at a load of scrounging, jobless scum, I’d open my blinds and peer out of my fucking window, or even easier than that, just glance into my wife’s cold dead eyes.

It might be bit cynical of me, just a tad, but if I didn’t know any better I’d say that the TV stations and news papers had an agenda, like holding a spotlight to the tiny percentage of people who are out of work because they want a job as much as the Tories want fucking Treeza as leader, in order to make us all really fucking despise everyone on state ‘benefits’.

It fucking works though doesn’t it? I once caught ten minutes of Benefits Street when the batteries in my remote died. I was fucking seething.

I spent the next four hours driving around council estates,  smashing the windows of anyone cheeky enough to own a fucking plasma TV in 2017.

When you take a step back and really look, you realise it’s a lot like Nazi propaganda. It’s all a bit divide and conquer, despise the opressed and not the opressors. That just wouldn’t happen in the UK though would It? Surely not.