We’ve gone from being the biggest empire on the globe to an annoying fucking piss head who’s just glassed the landlord, needs to leave, wants to stay friends with everyone, but won’t pay his fucking bar tab.

“Just yesterday he stood in front of all the other countries and actually spoke about how cruel Kim Jong Un is to his own people, and that he’d fix it by completely vaporising them. That’s like Jim fixing it for some NSPCC kids without the the fucking cameras rolling.”

“It involved us each putting £20 into a pot and wandering over to the nearest resting den of the damned. A one stop shop for the terminally self loathing dregs of society, banging illuminated screens and cursing them”

“We’ve experienced the joys of playing out, going on bike rides or staying up to watch Friday night comedy at our nan’s house for a treat. We’ve de-winged daddy long legs because there was bugger all else to do for fuck sake. We were the last actual kids.”

We used to help people standing on bridges but now we goad them into jump

“He’s a shaved shit haired albino ape. A fucking human hangover. He’s a Two Fat Ladies secret love child, the fucking blonde haired Eton Mess.”

“Cheers for ‘protecting’ Britain by the way. Harassing innocent Muslims in their place of worship makes me feel really safe at night, you chubby fucking balloon faced fleece model.”

“Leaders used to treat the Kim Jong dynasty like the nutter on a bus. Granted he would shout random threats every now and again, which could be pretty scary, but after two miles you realised that if you didn’t make contact and ignored him, he was pretty fucking harmless.”

“Listen. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of a million celebrities flicking through the pages of their old GCSE Spanish text books, or cunt deterrents as they’re soon to be rebranded.”

“I won’t be watching The Brexit Movie. Why watch Titanic when you were actually on it as it crashed into the fucking iceberg?”