What the fuck are you playing at Tiny Tim?

You can’t win a cunt off with that bewigged Toby Jug. Andrew Neil is Prince of Pricks, Tsar of Twats, fucking King Cunt.  What were you thinking? 

You’ve just shat all over the tiny percentage of moderate tory votes you’ve been collecting like fucking stamps for the last year.

I don’t usually bother Tuckering Lib Dems. It’s like shooting cunts in a barrel, or watching fucking Eurovision.  It’s a massive waste of time and it just makes me angry.

Seriously though, I don’t get it. What was the strategy there? Talking over Andrew Neil is like arguing with The Terminator. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever.

No one is going to vote for a fucking Jack Russell on coke. You left on such a high yesterday with your little Bake Off quip. You were cute as a button. Bless you. But you’ve just thrown it all away like a fucking tory promise the day after an election win.

Why are you voting Conservative? Serious question.

I mean, you’d have to be a fucking blind spunk headed degenerate to back those policies wouldn’t you? You’d need to be a terminally ignorant lobotomised Jack to buy those fucking beans.

Seriously though, this is an open forum. Convince me! I’m happy to sift through your basic black and white infantile musings, like a tramp looking for his lost gold tooth in dog shit, whilst dodging your regurgitated soundbites like May avoiding fucking debate requests.

Is it the fucking four corn flakes for breakfast promise for the kiddies? How are you going to spin that one for me? “It’s Treesa tryna fight childhood obesity innit.”

Maybe it’s the steal your inheritance promise? Oh yeah, sorry I forgot! You work in fucking Argos now but it’s only a stop gap until you’re the CEO of Barclays, because you’re going to work really hard and get on. You won’t need your mam’s house will you? You’ll have fucking 10 by then. And no terrorist sympathiser is going to tax you an extra grand when you’re earning 80.

And don’t pretend that you give a fuck about Brexit either. You’re just glad we’re out. As far as you’re concerned it’s job done. Who gives a shit how worse off we’ll all be, at least we’ll make our own rules in our ever nearing dystopia, devoid of fucking human rights.

Maybe it’s their record? You know, the clusterfuck of borrowing whilst spending fuck all, like that one mate who gets twatted on a night out with a fiver but comes back with twenty quid.

Or maybe it’s doubling homelessness? Starving the poor people or driving the disabled to suicide?

Why the fuck would you vote for these greedy self serving parasitic psychopaths? Please tell me. I want to understand the mind of fucking idiot.

Paul Nutall give up the ghost man

I saw you on that debate, thumbing your invisible fucking power detenator, like a coked up Eddie Hitler who’s just found a bottle of meths. 

What is the point of UKIP? Apart from to become increasingly racist like a pissed up Sun reader on a tram. You’ve done your job, the clues in the fucking name; UK Independence Party.

We’re independent now, alone in a world of manicial despots like Kim Jong Un, President Duterte and fucking Theresa May.

Like an embarrassing one night stand, you’ve served your purpose.  So wash the cum out of your hair, wipe your mascara off, phone a taxi and fuck off.

Yes you’ve fucked us, yes it was exciting but now we can’t look you in the eye anymore. The people who voted out weren’t keen on how Europe is managed, but you keep going on about  fucking Burkas, like a grandad after his 6th can of Skol.

You’re done. Finished. The tories used you like like a dead pig at a millionaires party. Go on. Stand down, it’s just embarrassing you lingering around here, like the smell of piss on the back seat of a town centre taxi at 4am.

 

Working class tories prove that propaganda works

I’ve written in depth before about the amount of fucking poor porn on the box, you know, the shite that really gets your blood boiling and your veins sticking out like someone from Kensington who’s inadvertently stumbled into an Aldi.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch Channel 5 at literally any time of the day.

There’ll be some cocky fucking fat twat who’s one Tunnocks away from a fucking heart attack, crying that she can’t keep her fucking swarm of screaming gobshites in Coca Cola and KFC, on the mere 2 grand more a year than you earn actually fucking working for a living.

You’ll want to smash the fuck out of your tele. That’s what this shit is designed to do, and guess what? It fucking works.

Shit like this is why we have working class tories. Turkeys literally voting for Christmas.

People think if they rent a nice flat, have a fucking Nissan on HP and a 42″ plasma from Littlewoods, that they’re somehow middle class and should vote in the same way.

Get a fucking grip! You’re one Brexit triggered redundancy away from the fucking dole queue you stupid bastards.

The welfare state is flawed yes. People take the piss more than Bernard Manning in a mosque, but it’s just a tiny percentage.

It’s a fucking safety net. People need it from time to time, like the 500,000 public sector workers that Britain breaking bacon pumper sacked off after deciding he was in charge.

If you’re voting Conservative because “them scroungers have sky and a big telly” then you seriously need to evaluate you’re decision and read another paper other than The Sun and watch another channel, other than 5.

I can recommend a video The Guardian posted yesterday, about a disabled woman crawling around her poorly designed house with no wheel chair access.

She has to pay for her meds now and guess what? She can’t fucking afford them, so she goes without.

 

She lives off fucking milk for Christ’s sake, in Britain in 2017. She’s not the only one and if you vote for more of that you’re a fucking cunt. I don’t care what class you are.

 

 

Oh you’ve had a haircut?

Peter Sutcliffe also had a nice affro in the 80’s, and with hindsight he probably thinks he probably made a few bad decisions too. In fact I bet even that cunt would hold his hands up and admit he was fucking wrong.

And whilst we’re at it, what the fuck were you playing at last week? Can your expenses not stretch to a fucking calculator, for fuck sake? I bet even Jeremy has a fucking abacus lying around somewhere.

Don’t you think Labour are going to find it hard enough to fight as it is without you mumbling bollocks live on air? You were less prepared for that than a fucking Jehovas Witness knocking on the door of ISIS, you fucking bowl cutted bull shitter.

You may as well walk around with a fucking placard that says ‘Vote Labour, we’re as good with money as a smack head who’s found a purse’

Get your fucking act together you fucking tiny eyed human sphere. Patronising the fuck out of someone doesn’t make you right, just ask Theressa.

You’re like a shit substitute teacher who always covers RE because you know the sum total of fuck all and can’t control the class, you fucking condescending snake voiced slow warbler.

If you can’t be arsed actually knowing the fucking policy you’re discussing then revert to the tory way, repeat the same bullshit phrase over and over again or just evade the fucking question, it’s as fucking simple as you, you fucking lobotomised hyper cunt.

Terrorist Sympathiser?

I wouldn’t worry. Even if Corbyn was a secret terrorist what’s he going to do?Knit you a cake? Yogurt bomb you? Or maybe he’s going to grow you a particularly sour lemon in his fucking allotment.

Put your Daily Heil down for one second and open your fucking eyes. You’ve been crying like a little bitch about the nasty banks and the rich getting richer for last 9 years.

Now there’s an actual alternative to the austerity driven, divisive, poor murdering status quo being offered up, and you don’t want it because he wears a suit from Asda and spoke to a cunt in 1983.

Theresa speaks to a cunt everyday.  You know, the one flinging his own excrement from the front bench whilst taking the piss out of foreigners, and shaking his head and stuttering like a parkinsons sufferer on speed.

Yes there are concerns.  Diane Abbot is about useful as a tissue condom, even with a sensible hair cut. And yes, John McDonell looks like a local working man’s club chairman.  You know, the guy who only drinks tomato juice and collects everyone’s 50p membership on payday.

I’d take actual clowns making mistakes whilst genuinely trying to help people, over psychopaths pretending to be clowns making no mistakes, whilst trying to hurt people.

The Conservatives make no fucking bones about it either. Fuck the foxes, that’s just a distraction.  They want you to work all your lives, pay your taxes then take your kids inheritance from them the moment you start shitting yourself.

If you haven’t already then watch the leaders Q and A from Channel 4 and Sky News yesterday.  You can choose soundbites and disdain or answers and passion.  The choice is yours.

 

 

You think bloody difficult is a compliment

They’re right, you are a fucking difficult woman. Countless police and NHS staff stand in front you and tell you that everything has turned to shite.

Yet you don’t answer their questions though do you? You just parrot off your bullshit soundbites and rhetoric, like a terminally dull liar with mild tourettes, standing in a fucking burning building with a water pistol.

Careful with those micro expressions! It’s perfectly natural for politicians to express a flicker of shock or disdain at a question.

You fucking hate criticism though don’t you? Those crecent eyes turn into cold dead laser daggers, resting on your saggy hate bags, as your mouth gets stuck somewhere between a smirk and a ‘fuck you’.

Yes, if you hear something you don’t like, you look like someone has just shat in your living room, or even worse fed a fucking homeless man.

Corbyn wiped the floor with you today. The man has as much charisma as a fucking antique rug, but do you know why he won? Because he gave actual non scripted answers, treated people like humans and acted like a fucking human.

I’d call you May-Tron you’re so fucking robotic, but then you’d sound like something which would actually benefit the NHS.

Oh and stop trying to smile. People would have more time for you if you just left your expression at its default souless psychopath resting position.

Sean Spicer is right, even Hitler wouldn’t stoop so low as to use chemical weapons

Apart from the vast sheds he had built filled with the chemical gas Zyklon B, to murder millions of innocent Jews and everyone mentioned in Cher’s hit song; Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves, in his human abattoir experiments.

Sean Spicer, you’re a fucking chemical weapon. If your balls had dropped you’d actually sound quite sinister instead of sounding like a coked up choir boy playing war with his senile old grampa, you fucking clueless holocaust denying cunt.

You’re not a spin doctor, more a spin temp on his first day after graduating from Trump university. As far as PR goes, Trump would be better served employing a rabid chimpanzee who launches balls of its own rolled up shite at the waiting press than you.

You’re a fucking joke of a man, if you were written into The Thick of It by the pure genius of Iannucci himself, your character would be expelled at the editing stage and he’d be sectioned under the mental health act for writing such unbelievable bollocks, you hoof wanking pig eyed castrato.

You’re a fucking shite stuttering news abuser on speed, a cartoon drawing of Joseph Goebbels scrawled by the mouth of the mutated limbless offspring of a retarded pig and an ex PM, who’s just had a GCSE history lesson on World War 2 delivered by a pissed up Farage off his bonce on Spice, you fucking hollowed out husk of a shit impression of a cunt.

Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off you cunt.

 

“What tym dose Asdas close?”

“When r the kids back in school?”

Use fucking Google for Christ’s sake. The only answers you’re going to get off Facebook are 15 minutes later from your equally brain dead friends, who, incidentally, are probably asking fucking Beyonce on Twitter. You shouldn’t be asking social media when your fucking kid’s term starts.

Sandra: “Had it wiv men me”

Mandy: “Aw, you ok hun?”

Sandra: “PM me”

Ah the attention seeker and the nosey bitch. A match made in heaven. Sandra doesn’t have any friends and Mandy hasn’t spoke to her for four years. After this very public exchange, Sandra will inform Mandy that Paul, her dosser of a boyfriend, went out on Friday and didn’t return until Tuesday. She’ll go on to explain that he stank of cheap perfume and wouldn’t answer his phone, and that she knows what he’s up to but will never leave him because she loves him ‘more than life itself.’ Mandy will take great pleasure in telling the girls at bingo what a mug Sandra is and what a cunt Paul is.

“Only 5 of my friends will share this post”

You’ll be lucky you unoriginal cunt. They won’t share it because it’s shite. If you want to talk about an illness that’s affected you or raise awareness about something, don’t use some fucking impersonal generic template and beg for shares.

P.S. Please share this. Only 3 of you cunts will.

Offence is like a fine wine you can’t afford it so stop fucking taking it

The Independent went through a phase of showing women in knickers with fucking period stains because it’s ‘natural’ and ’empowering’. I didn’t like it and said so, but then people got offended at my apparent offense. I wasn’t offended, I just don’t want so see that shite when I’m eating my fucking corn flakes.

Am I wrong? Sometimes I get a bit too pissed and do a wet fart. Would you like to see me posing in my shite stained kex on your news feed? Why the fuck not? It’s perfectly natural you sexist cunt.

Everyone is outraged these days. There will people who read ‘fucking’ in the first sentence of this post and will be so outraged that instead of scrolling past, they’ll write in the comments that I’m an uneducated fool who should have his mouth washed out, usually with lots of spelling mistakes and no punctuation. You have my permission to call these people cunts. What’s washing my mouth out going to? This has been fucking typed.

It’s like we’ve all been infected with the Mary Whitehouse strain of the little bitch virus. “You have to respect my views as a celibate tri sexual veganised water worshipper.”

No. We fucking don’t. I’m an atheist. I have zero respect for any religion, but I’ll defend anyone’s right to believe what they want. I’m not offended that you believe in God, so don’t be offended that I don’t. I don’t respect religion but I do respect people who believe in it.

It’s about balance, you can disbelieve without purposely trying to be offensive and if you do that, then it is given, not needlessly taken. In that respect you have a right to be offended.

The worse people are the ones who get outraged or offended on behalf of someone else. “Dr. Dre said then N word! As a middle class white man from Kent I’m deeply offended by this on behalf of my black American brothers.” No you’re not. Shut the fuck up cunt.