Fat tyrannical despot threatens Kim Jong Un
President of The United States of America and the world’s most famous dementia sufferer, Donald Judas Trump, took a break from Tweeting bollocks and trying to grab his own pussy neck today to threaten North Korea.
The retaliation came after fat fuck and shit Psy impersonator, Kim Jong Un, reportedly built a mini nuke that could cause at least $10 million of improvements to Arizona after US sanctions on North Korea. Resulting in a riled orange wizened faced cunt.
On a state owned propaganda news channel, the obese dictator threatened “fire and fury” against North Korea if they continued to threaten the US.
So, expect a three minute warning, and be sure to close your curtains and lock your doors tonight as a million war heads rain down on you.
Corbyn walked past 80 empty prams in his latest PR stunt
Jeremy Corbyn was up to his old tricks earlier today by ‘helping’ a woman carry a pram up some steps.
The swivel eyed lefty loony and secret house wife sex pin up was filmed struggling with a pram and pretending, yet again, to be a normal and decent member of society.
A unamed Daily Mail source, however, speculated that the wannabe Geography teacher and Chairman Mao enthusiast was in fact recruiting the youngster into the momentum youth.
“You could just tell by his shifty fucking eyes that’s what he was gonna do” he said.
However, it has now come to light through a photo taken from a different perspective, that Mr. Corbyn had 80 empty prams delivered before the ‘random footage’ was taken and infact ordered the child from a people trafficker on the dark web.
Labour refused to comment as they were too busy plotting to overthrow their despotic, power hungry leader.
“After 150 years of walking two steps behind his missus, like a Saudi Arabian husband in a parallel universe, Prince Philip is finally retired from being miserable and making racist comments.”
After 150 years of walking two steps behind his missus, like a Saudi Arabian husband in a parallel universe, Prince Philip is finally retired from being miserable and making racist comments.
The 7ft ancient derelict, Bruce Forsythe, was supposed to lead the tributes, but sadly he’s too ill.
So who should replace him? The fuck browed, muzzle mouthed, bile belcher, Katie Hopkins, has been turning up and insulting people for years, so maybe she’d be the perfect candidate?
Although instead of launching ships, that cunt would probably prefer popping fucking dingys.
Or maybe he doesn’t need replacing? Maybe the royal family are a massive waste of money like Dominos or fucking football.
So would it really make a massive difference if they don’t do anything? If they just stop like Louis Spence’s career? After all, you’d forgotten about that cunt until you read that just now.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld appointed as Trump’s new Director of Communications
Yes it’s that time of the week again, when the tiny handed philanderer appoints a new Director of Communications.
Just 11 days after Anthony Scaramucci was chosen as Chief Bullshitter for The White House, Trump was reportedly unimpressed after realising he isn’t in a fact Bond super villain, but just a rabid coke head with a penchant for swearing.
Trump was allegedly so afraid of Scaramucci that he hired an army general as his Chief of Staff just to fire the shit Fonz.
“He’s not Scaramanga!” Trump was overheard saying to an aid shortly after Scaramucci was appointed.
Mr. Blofeld is currently not available to comment until he’s officially sworn in.
“I would eat chlorinated chicken until I shat out a swimming pool, if they took that unfunny cunt and the cast of Benidorm for just one fucking series.”
You probably thought I was going to write a satirical article about Trump banning her after he banned trans gender people from serving in the US Military.
I’m not. The US banned Mrs. Brown and her fucking boys because they’re about as funny as twatting your elbow whilst escaping from your wreck of a car after a horrific crash. And if they didn’t ban her they fucking should.
I would eat chlorinated chicken until I shat out a swimming pool, if they took that unfunny cunt and the cast of Benidorm for just one fucking series.
It would only be one series though unfortunately. I know we all think yanks are thicker than an Alan Bennet memoir, but they fucked Piers Morgan off quicker than a Tory manifesto after an election.
Mrs. Brown isn’t fit to sponge up Mrs. Doyle’s spilt tea. Utter fucking shit.
“So far no tragedies, acts of terror, or basically anything news worthy at all, Britain is duller than a Reece-Mogg anecdote right now.”
With all the MP’s taking a well earned break from fiddling expenses and covering up catastrophes, Treeza has fucked off on a walking jolly and Jezza has started on his next batch jam.
So far no tragedies, acts of terror, or basically anything news worthy at all, Britain is duller than a Reece-Mogg anecdote right now, which isn’t a bad thing, in fact it’s a nice rest from the last few months.
There’s been no chucking billions away to T-Rex deniers, no general elections, no fucking referendums and we’re getting a nice break from the fucking phrases ‘strong and stable’ and ‘Brexit means Brexit.’
In fact, the only thing that’s happened in politics land recently is that Farage urged young people to go and watch a film about British people fighting his fucking hero.
I don’t think we need a revolution, or even a Labour government. We should just let all the MP’s have a permanent holiday like Holly Willoughby.
No violence, no overthrowing, or taking back control, we just manage without. Crack on as normal and hope for the best. After all, what would be missing exactly? All we’d need is a bumbling prick to insult other countries on TV occasionally, and a letter to America telling them to do whatever the fuck they like and that they’ll have a full support. Piece of piss.
Ronnie Pickering challenges ‘that car park cunt’ to a fist fight
Celebrity hot head and scooter botherer, Ronnie Pickering, became a YouTube sensation after offering to beat a moped driver to a pulp to ‘learn him about the road’.
Since the helmet cam footage went viral, things have calmed down on the Pickering front, until footage recently emerged of an angry toff, obsessed with murder and citizen’s arrerests, threatening a family in a car.
After the watching the video, Pickering Tweeted that the man in the video, a Producer for David Attenborough called Fergus Beeley, is a ‘pink shirt wearing ponce’ before challenging him to a fist fight.
Both of them have been asking each other ‘do you know who I am?’ on Twitter for the last 5 hours.
“The permanently perplexed, flange jowled, fuck faced, tyranacunt, vomited the important announcement all over Twitter like a thick dog who’s found it’s owners chocolate stash.”
The permanently perplexed, flange jowled, fuck faced, tyranacunt, vomited the important announcement all over Twitter like a thick dog who’s found it’s owners chocolate stash.
Trump likes to dress up in military uniform and laud the efforts of his forces, at massive rallies, like a coked up Hitler who’s just lowered his IQ by half after watching fucking Love Island on catch up.
Only Hitler actually served his military and won medals, unlike Trump who dodged more drafts than a recovering alcoholic in a Weatherspoons.
Yes, the oranged hued, birds nest modelling, clunge agitator, respects ALL US heroes, apart from those awkward fuckers who may need time off for surgery or even some moral support at some point. Fuck it, lose your legs on a land mine and he might consider a hospital appointment for you. You know, when you’ve proven yourself a hero by ruining your life, like he did Nam, when the sale of his fucking house fell through, probably.
He’s not thought this through has he? The cunt is more unbalanced than Laurel and Hardy on a fucking see saw. And when an inevitable war kicks off and he reintroduces conscription, he’ll probably find that the 10 million soldiers he’s expecting to fight for his country are all suddenly men trapped in women’s bodies.
BREAKING: Melissa McCarthy confirmed as next OO7
News broke earlier that the next Bond film is due out in 2019 with Daniel Craig stepping down from the iconic role to concentrate on looking concerned and slitting his wrists.
McCarthy, who proved her worth as a super slueth in the film Spy, made the announcement an hour ago, Tweeting;
“The name’s Bond. Jane Bond #Excited!”
A spokesman for the franchise said;
“We’ve got a female Doctor, now it’s time for a woman Bond. Daniel Craig was phenomenal in the role and will be sorely missed, however, in the later films Bond lost the comedy elements that made the franchise so popular in the first place. We’re looking forward to Melissa reinvigorating that.”
There’s already been a huge backlash on Twitter following the announcement. Sam The Man Tweeted;
“Bond used to be good. I will not be watching anymore!”
Super Pumped added;
“A bird Bond? What, with a license to iron? #fuckingrediculous”
We won’t know what the semi reboot will look until the first previews land next August.
Sean Spicer quits as Chief shit deflector
For 6 months Sean Spicer tried his hardest to make the inane ramblings of an orange, perma tanned, wizen faced, shit gibbon, appear presidential, by stuttering, rocking uncomfortably on his feet and talking down The Third Reich, to make Trump’s administration appear more human and compassionate.
The miniature balding castrato spent his tenure looking like a rabbit trapped in Stephen King’s IT’s dead lights, only he was the clown and truth was the shit spider at the end.
Unless you ignore the time he was the Whithouse easter bunny. He fucking loved that. All that corruption, all those lies, wrapped up in a silent character, like a pre investigation Trump Russian counterpart.
Bye Sean. We’ll miss you, like equality, civil liberties, you sphere headed, question dodging, podium holder.