Government to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by allowing fox hunters to hunt the homeless

Government to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by allowing fox hunters to hunt the homeless

“With fox hunting being theoretically illegal unless you’re hunting for foxes in front of the Police, and homelessness quadrupling in some areas, the move seemed like a no brainer” said a Tory minister, probably.

The proposal comes after several Labour and Conservative councils have attempted to quell the homelessness epidemic by moving beggars along, or fining them.

“We realised fining homeless people is difficult as they don’t have any money” said a Labour councillor in Rochdale who wishes to remain anonymous.

“We tried moving them on as well, but everywhere we move them to is also full of homeless people.”

The move has attracted a lot of interest from the fox hunting community.

Lord Painington-Torture said; “It makes perfect sense. Hunts are becoming more and more difficult. I broke my whip on a saboteur’s head on Boxing day, it’s just not cricket.”

He continued; “The sheer volume of homeless scum will take the sport out of the hunt somewhat, but at least we’ll be performing a public service and there will be plenty to go around.”

The first trials for the programme have been scheduled to take place in Windsor ahead of the impending royal wedding.

2018 and global politics is reduced to a Twitter dick swinging contest

There’s no planning. No delicate approach to dealing with potential foreign threats, just an unfiltered, unbalanced, reactionary torrent of potentially world ending diarrhea, shat out of the tiny fingers of a deranged orange shit wig stand whilst he takes a dump.

Remember when a President’s address was an actual newsworthy event, carried out with reverence, forethought and a well authored speech?

Granted, Bush was thicker than northern gravy but that didn’t matter, surrounded by flags, standing at his lectern with a team of competents in the background made him almost believable in his role as the world’s most powerful man, in spite of him fucking up more than a three year old iPhone.

Fast forward to 2018 and Global politics is reduced to a nutter with Twitter. Long gone are the lecterns, the speech writers and the competents.

Now the most powerful man in the world is an illiterate, senility ridden, school yard bully with an ego bigger than his intellect.

There’s no planning. No delicate approach to dealing with potential foreign threats, just an unfiltered, unbalanced, reactionary torrent of potentially world ending diarrhea, shat out of the tiny fingers of a deranged orange shit wig stand whilst he takes a dump.

2018 may very well be our last year on earth, and if that’s the case we fucking well deserve it.

Millions of fat twats now know what the inside of a gym looks like

23 stone Barry Burford, standing outside Gym’ll Fix It in Rotherham said; “I’ve signed up a year, 30 quid a month, but to be honest it’s a bit of a trek from my house and there’s no pool. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.”

Gym owners across the country have been rubbing their hands together at the prospect of millions of people stepping through their doors to setup a 12 month direct debit, comment on the ambience, then leave never to be seen again.

‘Today is the first day of the rest of our lives’ lied millions of fatties to themselves as they enrolled at their local gyms for inductions, which included pressing buttons and saying things like ‘that looks hard’.

23 stone Barry Burford, standing outside Gym’ll Fix It in Rotherham said; “I’ve signed up for a year, 30 quid a month, but to be honest it’s a bit of a trek from my house and there’s no pool. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.”

The news comes after millions of others thought about starting a diet today, but then realised it’s Tuesday, and that next Monday is a much better day to start eating salad and being depressed.

No one gives a fuck about your year

We didn’t care when you ran 10k last February. We scrolled straight past your feet in the sand pictures in fucking September and we couldn’t care less about your new fucking job.

Perhaps you got married or shat out a sprog? Maybe you went on holiday or your dog/cat/gran died. Nobody gives a fuck.

Not only have you tediously uploaded every every fucking gym session, described every odd excretion, and photographed, filtered and Instagrammed everything you’ve eaten that cost more than a quid, now you want to give us the fucking highlights?

Get to fuck. No one fucking cares. We didn’t care when you ran 10k last February. We scrolled straight past your feet in the sand pictures in fucking September and we couldn’t care less about your new fucking job.

We don’t care that this was the worst year of your life, or that next year will be your best. We couldn’t give a fuck if you’re going to lose weight or give up drinking and we’ll all laugh when you squander money on a gym membership you won’t use.

Merry just another day you boring fucking cunts.

News Years Honours downgraded to a torch, a CurlyWurly, a book of stamps, a free digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor and a copy of the Daily Express

News Years Honours downgraded to a torch, a CurlyWurly, a book of stamps, a free digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor and a copy of the Daily Express

Due to lack of funding because half the population are thick as fuck, this year’s Knighthoods, OBE’s, MBE’s and CBE’s are to be replaced with a goody bag as there’s no money left.

The bag will contain the following luxury items; a torch, a CurlyWurly, a book of stamps, a free digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor and a copy of the Daily Express.

Eamonn Holmes is said to be ‘delighted’ with the CurlyWurly, however sources say he’d  much rather have preferred a Chomp.

However Nick Clegg wasn’t so easily pleased and allegedly said;

“I was promised a Knighthood, I feel betrayed.”

Now he knows how all those fucking students felt.

 

No one noticed older iPhones being slowed down because Apple wankers upgrade every 12 months anyway

No one noticed older iPhones being slowed down because Apple wankers upgrade every 12 months anyway

News ‘broke’ earlier this week that older iPhones were being purposefully slowed down by Apple after the company admitted to the practise.

This wasn’t news to anyone who isn’t rich or possesses more than one brain cell though, and apparently it has nothing to do with planned obsolescence, but is in fact to do with older batteries.

Most Apple users were completely unaware that such a thing happened, as they upgrade every 12 months when the company tells them to anyway.

Obviously if you spend £800 on a phone it’s going to be fucking wank after a year, you see.

However, millions of poorer iPhone owners, who still profess to have the greatest phone in the world, as they secretly wait three seconds between typing each letter of text, were thrilled with Apple’s swift resolution.

Yes, for under 50 quid you can buy a new battery from Apple to speed up your old handset again. How fucking kind of them.

Trump causes outrage after accidentally firing the wrong AIDS

Trump causes outrage after accidentally firing the wrong AIDS

President Trump and his administration have accidentally fired all the members of the President’s Advisory Council on HIV/Aids, aka PACHA, reports suggest.

The move, which was sudden and as yet unexplained, caused immediate controversy to both health professionals and LGBT rights campaigners alike.

The White House refused to give a statement directly, but one of its administrators, Mitchell Gomez, who wishes to remain anonymous said;

“I overheard the President telling his assistant that he wanted his gay aides firing. I knew he meant Sebastian and John, but I think the assistant got the wrong end of the stick.”

If this account is correct, and the firing of PACHA was indeed a terrible mistake, it’s just another nail in the Presidents coffin after yesterday joking that we could do with some Global warming to combat the winter.

More follows.

The new passports are just chufty badges for thick fucks

They’re golden stars for unruly kids who’ve managed to go a lesson without twatting a teacher, participation medals, fucking chufty badges for lobotomised inbred cunts who think leaving the EU means no more fucking brown people.

We’re going to lose free movement, the country is on its arse, there’s a homelessness epidemic and half the population voted to give full sovereignty to a party of fucking psychopaths who’ve turned the UK into a third world laughing stock.

But rejoice! The colour of our fucking passports are changing and if you’re not jumping for joy and rolling over and shitting Mars bars about that you’re an unpatriotic, Britain hating, traitorous, remoaning cunt.

The same inbred fuck headed spunk munchers who are excited about this will be the same pricks getting excited when the government unveils its next plan to bring back fucking ration books, jusy like in the good old days.

We didn’t have to ruin Britain for this, has no one heard of fucking passports covers? You can even buy nice blue ones on Amazon for under three quid.

This is a non event. It’s not good news, a triumph, something to have a fucking street party about, it’s merely a diversion tactic to keep Mail readers spunking over Brexit as an avalanche of shit continues to flow about its eventual catastrophic outcome.

They’re golden stars for unruly kids who’ve managed to go a lesson without twatting a teacher, participation medals, fucking chufty badges for lobotomised inbred cunts who think leaving the EU means no more fucking brown people.

 

Blue passports are just chufty badges for thick bastards

The colour of our fucking passports are changing at a cost of £500 million that we won’t give to homeless kids, and if you’re not excited about that you’re an unpatriotic, Britain hating, traitorous, remoaning cunt.

We’re going to lose free movement, the country is on its arse, there’s a homelessness epidemic and half the population voted to give full sovereignty to a party of fucking psychopaths who’ve turned the UK into a third world laughing stock.

But rejoice! The colour of our fucking passports are changing at a cost of £500 million that we won’t give to homeless kids, and if you’re not excited about that you’re an unpatriotic, Britain hating, traitorous, remoaning cunt.

The same inbred fuck headed spunk munchers who are excited about this will be the same pricks getting excited when the government unveils its next plan to bring back fucking ration books, jusy like in the really good old days.

We didn’t have to ruin Britain for this, has no one heard of fucking passports covers? You can even buy nice blue ones on Amazon for under three quid.

This is a non event. It’s not good news, a triumph, something to have a fucking street party about, it’s merely a diversion tactic to keep Mail readers spunking over Brexit as an avalanche of shit continues to flow about its eventual catastrophic outcome.

They’re golden stars for unruly kids who’ve managed to go a lesson without twatting a teacher, participation medals.

They’re chufty badges for lobotomised inbred cunts who think that leaving the EU means no more fucking brown people.

Police who attended boxing day fox hunts suspect fox hunts may have happened

Do you think if a gang of council flat teenagers had a tradition of kicking cats to death every Christmas that the police would just allow it?

We have a long standing tradition in this country of police intervening when they see a crime happening in front of them, except for fox hunting of course. After all, arresting Lady Smithington-Smythe in front of her peers would be embarrassing.

It’s much easier to haul in a few filthy hunt saboteurs with their dangerous cameras, and just let Lady Smythe guffaw like a fucking chimpanzee with a torch everytime she sees helpless animals being torn apart.

Let’s put aside the barbaric ‘sport’ for a second. Even though I don’t get it, I could write about it all day. Tradition? I don’t know about you, but my boxing day traditions include holding in farts, swearing at the shitty tv and hoping people leave.

What do these people do on Christmas eve? De-feather a live budgie for shits and giggles before a fucking game of Pictionary?

I digress, let’s get back to point of the rant. When it comes to fox hunting the police are as much use as a fucking blue passport without freedom of movement.

I know they’re under funded and under manned blah blah blah, but surely this would be the perfect time to get some fucking revenge for that?

To rip those tory bastards off their horses and arrest them for breaking the fucking law, to humiliate them, instead of maybe looking into it three days later after they find a fuck tonne of dead foxes and people start handing in grainy footage.

If I were in charge of the police I’d have all available resources at these so called hunts. After all, what else is happening on Boxing day? Most normal people are too full of cheese and self loathing to commit crime.

The truth of it boils down to, as always, privilege. Do you think if a gang of council flat teenagers had a tradition of kicking cats to death every Christmas that the police would just allow it?

Would they fuck. But why? It’s probably less barbaric, it wouldn’t be such a massive strain on resources and no horses would break their fucking necks, but let’s face it, these imaginary cat murderers would be in a cell quicker than the flu virus in an interviewee.

Fox hunting may as well be legal, and every time the police turn a blind eye they make a mockery of British law and just reinforce the notion that we have a two tiered justice system.