Ben Affleck To Play Every Leaver In Upcoming Brexit Movie As They’re All Insufferable Cunts

“I won’t be watching The Brexit Movie. Why watch Titanic when you were actually on it as it crashed into the fucking iceberg?”

If Brexit had a face, it would be a punchable one like Ben Affleck’s. The face of a thousand ruined films. The face of a million crushed dreams.

As Boris clings onto the £350 million NHS lie like Theresa May is to power, and we’ve taken back control by adopting all European laws into our own, it’s fast becoming clear that Brexit was a bit of shit idea, even to those Farage worshipping cunts who read The Daily Express like a fucking bible.

I won’t be watching The Brexit Movie. Why watch Titanic when you were actually on it as it crashed into the fucking iceberg?

Yes, if Brexit were a person it would have the face of Ben Affleck, the voice of Joe Swash and the fucking moves of Louis Spence.

He’d be called Trevor. He’d have boundless energy, chew with his mouth wide open and he’d stand too fucking close. His breath would stink of ciggerettes and despair and he’d drink too much.

Trevor would turn up to family gatherings uninvited and make inappropriate jokes about the Asian neighbours. He’d stare at your neice a little too long and he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the traffic on the M1.

 

This Wouldn’t Have Happened If They’d have Gone to Waitrose

“Whichever deranged God bummer is behind this latest ‘attack’ should hang his fucking head in shame. It was pathetic, so bad in fact that ISIS won’t even claim responsibility for it. Fucking terrorism? I’ve seen wilder BBQ’s.”

Whichever deranged God bummer is behind this latest ‘attack’ should hang his fucking head in shame. It was pathetic, so bad in fact that ISIS won’t even claim responsibility for it. Fucking terrorism? I’ve seen wilder BBQ’s.

No 72 virgins for you, you cheap skate cunt. I mean, if you’re going to buy a bomb dont get it from fucking Lidl! You didn’t even hang around to top yourself you cowardly twat. You’re a fucking embarrassment.

I mean, you could’ve of a least gone to Asda. Not Smart Price obviously, you’d have ended up with a fucking T light. Always go for the Extra Special range when it comes to explosives.

And before you all start pointing out that I’m jumping to conclusions about it A) being a bloke and B) a radical Islamist extremist, I don’t give a fuck. I’m going off probability and the likelihood of it being a devout atheist is slimmer than Jacob Rees-Mogg’s thigh.

If I’m wrong, I’ll admit it. Stop being outraged for the sake of it you daft cunts. I’m just trying to make light of a shit situation. The kind of situation that is becoming painfully prominent. Thank fuck this cunt was shit at it.

I’m not belittling the victims. Not for one second, but we need to mock, ridicule and laugh at these deranged fuck headed cunt wombles, otherwise they win. It’s important.

 

Contracting AIDS Is Uplifting Because The Nurses Are Really Nice

“I always worry when Rees-Mogg opens his Victorian bile slit to verbally spunk out offense like Katie Hopkins for a couple of grand and a raised eye brow shot of her mangled munter face on the cover of a dick head’s shit rag.”

I always worry when Rees-Mogg opens his Victorian bile slit to verbally spunk out offense like Katie Hopkins for a couple of grand and a raised eye brow shot of her mangled munter face on the cover of a dick head’s shit rag.

It usually means that the Tories are planning something else that would make Darth Vader proud and are simply using Mogg as a distraction, like setting fire to a paper bag filled with shit outside the public’s front door, before knocking and running away.

Granted, Mogg’s controversy is more refined than Hatie’s kick you in clunge, shock fuelled bollocks pellets, in fact it almost comes across as nice.

I tell you what isn’t nice. Missing your bus and the government punishing you for it by withdrawing your safety net, so that you can’t feed your fucking kids.

Contrary to Mogg’s out of touch musings, I don’t think even the thickest of the electorate’s huddled masses would relish at the thought of visiting a food bank, to get a mixed bag of Smart Price pasta and tinned fucking peaches because they heard ‘about them places that give you that free food an’ that’.

Free McDonald’s? Too fucking right. Free Frey Bentos? Fuck getting on the Number 52 in the rain for that shit. Fuck that right off.

As Job Centre sanctions increase, so does food bank usage. Is there a correlation I wonder? Nah, it’s just greedy Jeremy Kyle fodder isn’t it Mogg?

He is right about one thing. The Great British public stepping up when the government point blank refuse, because in spite of all the rolling Channel 5 and tabloid propaganda painting all benefit claimants as pure scum, we’re really not too keen on the idea of starving kids.

Your Great Grand Kids Will Know You Were A Prick

“Your great grand kids won’t have grainy photos of you. They’ll see you as the prick you were in glorious 4k video. They’ll see your stupid fucking digitally manipulated faces, with your daft fucking pout and Bambi ears, or whatever the fuck they are.”

We know nothing of the long dead in our own families, apart from anecdotes and the odd grainy picture.

Yes, your great grandfather looked smart in his army uniform, but how do you know he wasn’t a chronic bore, or a fucking booze addled weekend tranny?

We think we know the past but we don’t. We know history from old news reels. A history from the point of view of the victors. Winston Churchill is the epitome of the British stiff upper lip right? Remember that magnificent speech?

Yeah. Remember that. Let’s not talk about the millions of fucking Indians he starved to death. That would just make GCSE history a bit fucking morbid wouldn’t it?

Your great grand kids won’t have grainy photos of you. They’ll see you as the prick you were in glorious 4k video. They’ll see your stupid fucking digitally manipulated faces, with your daft fucking pout and Bambi ears, or whatever the fuck they are.

They’ll know you tried to impress the superficial acquaintances you regarded as friends with pictures of your fucking dinner in fancy restaurants.

They’ll know you bored every cunt with your gym updates, dietry intake and fucking mapped runs.

But most importantly they’ll know you were a shallow egocentric narcissistic cunt,who valued the acquisition of objects over the environment you lived in, and even your own loved ones.

If you wonder what it was like 100 years ago you have to do exactly that. Wonder. Imagine. Fill in the gaps.

But with YouTube, Facebook and Instagram, there’s millions of terabytes of data and it’s here to stay forever.

In 500 years people will know that America elected fucking Trump. Not from a page in a history book of zero substance. They’ll actually see the orange cunt and wonder what the fuck happened.

They’ll know how we dressed, what we ate, how we spoke and what we watched and listened to. Imagine that? Imagine watching YouTube clips of the fucking Tudors in history class. That’s a head fuck.

This could change our whole future as a species though. Think about it. If we’ve not blown ourselves to bits by then, for the first time in the history of mankind, we might actually learn from our mistakes.

Never again will someone like Trump be elected. No more wars, famines, or fucking crocs. This could be the next stage of evolution.

 

She wasted £1 Billion for the DUP to support Labour and she’s in charge of Brexit negotians

“Treeza is like the lonely little rich girl in secondary school. Desperately showering her spends on the other kids in a bid to be more popular. The DUP are the class bully, lapping up the free cigarettes and phone cases whilst slagging her off behind her back”

How fucking gutted would you be after spending 6 months telling every cunt you’re strong and stable, and that there’s no money for nurses pay increases, only to be blackmailed into spunking a billion quid on fucking churches and incinerators for history books, or whatever the DUP squander on shit, only for them to stab you in the back when it really matters?

Treeza is like the lonely little rich girl in secondary school. Desperately showering her spends on the other kids in a bid to be more popular. The DUP are the class bully, lapping up the free cigarettes and phone cases whilst slagging her off behind her back and telling all the other kids not to go to her shit birthday party.

How fucking monstrous must Tory policy be, when it takes a bunch of far right religious fanatics, led by a shit Paul Merton impersonator, to call them out and vote with the opposition?

Not that I’m complaining. I think it’s fucking hilarious that the Conservatives spent a billion quid in an attempt to not spend any more on the NHS, only for the DUP to make exactly the opposite all the more likely.

What isn’t so funny is that these cunts are negotiating Brexit. If they can’t even agree with own partners then how can successfully navigate us out of the Union with minimal damage? It’s like watching the fucking Chuckle brothers trying to negotiate some fucking stairs.

 

 

Outrage at chef in fancy dress when Farage spoke at a far right rally

“Hollywood. What a fucking name by the way, what was his first choice, fucking Max Power? I digress, the photo was taken before he was famous and we all make stupid mistakes at some point. Even his dad forgot to put a johnny on once.”

Let’s get some fucking perspective here. Don’t get wrong, Paul Hollywood is a thunder cunt, but a Nazi? I don’t believe that for one second. Allo allo? Maybe. One thing is certain, it’s going to goodbye goodbye to his career.

Hollywood. What a fucking name by the way, what was his first choice, fucking Max Power? I digress, the photo was taken before he was famous and we all make stupid mistakes at some point. Even his dad forgot to put a johnny on once.

Does he believe in a master race? I highly doubt that, the cunt is too in love with himself to worry about other people. In fact I’m surprised he’s lasted this long without actually eating himself. How does he even meet the filming schedule when he spends 4 hours a day getting lost his own fucking eyes in front of the mirror?

Britain breaker and Toad of Toad Hall impersonator, Nigel Farage, is who you should be focusing your fury at.

That ready made Spitting Image puppet has given up entirely on trying to even pretend that he’s a stand up guy. Has he finally realised that UKIP is deader than a male perm, and therefore there’s no need to appeal to only mild racists anymore?

He spoke at a far right rally. In Germany. Like that guy used to. What was his name again? Oh yes, Adolf Hitler. A man Farage hates being compared to apparently. Well sorry Nige but you’re hardly doing your best to shake off that appearance are you? You’re working about as hard as Jeremy Corbyn in the lead up to Brexit.

In the words of Chandler Bing. Could you be anymore Nazi?

 

 

How shit must Theresa be if this is the most popular alternative?

“Mogg is opposed to gay marriage and abortion under any circumstance. Not only does he look like a childs interpretation of a tory from 150 years ago, drawn solely from a description by a pissed up Marxist, but his views are from there as well.”

I’m still perplexed that people vote Conservative. The turkeys voting for Christmas comparison has been used more times than fucking Tippex on a Tory manifesto. It’s lost all its gravity.

Lets face it, it’s just knob heads voting for psychopathic bastards, plain and simple. And those knob heads have decided that Theresa May is so shit, so devoid of charm and emotion, that a caricature of a 19th century Toff is more appealing. A crumpled picture of Walter the Softy has more substance.

Jacob Rees Mogg. A man who considers pregnancy via incestual rape the gift of life. A man who makes Tim Farron look like a fucking Satanist. A man who’s so out of touch that he probably wonders why all the people in work houses get fucking benefits in the first place, is more popular that Theresa May.

It shouldn’t be a shock really. HIV is probably more popular than Theresa May, but still.

Mogg is opposed to gay marriage and abortion under any circumstance. Not only does he look like a childs interpretation of a tory from 150 years ago, drawn solely from a description by a pissed up Marxist, but his views are from there as well.

 

Buy the right uniform and they won’t get sent home!

“Don’t you fucking get it? You signed up to the fucking dress code when th sent your little darling little cherubs to that school in the first place.”

It’s that time of the year again! Mutually assured destruction is looming ever closer, like a pervert at a gym window, as two fuck brained Tyranacunts have a nuclear dick swingining contest.

A tornado bigger than France is fucking everything in its path like like Russel Brand on a night out, and what’s on the front covers of today’s shit rags?

Outrage! Outrage as petty fucking schools insist on enforcing the rules like they have done for the last 200 years. What a set of jobs worth cunts!

“A fat short haired woman with a compo face, pointing to a picture of her beloved 13 year old Tiffany, looking all smart in front of a door, for the obligatory school uniform photo. With fucking pink hair, a 1” skirt and black and white Vans.

The story next it to it will tell how heartless staff gave up an hour of their own evenings just to spite poor Tiffany, who was wearing almost the same as every other cunt so what’s the big deal?

It will contain words like “fuming” and “petty” and will explain that the school is in the wrong because plain black shoes are somehow dearer than Vans.

They’re not and it isn’t. Don’t you fucking get it? You signed up to the fucking dress code when th sent your little darling little cherubs to that school in the first place.

It’s the same deal every fucking year you thick cunts. The school isn’t picking on your fat ugly kid. They have to punish people who don’t conform, because if they don’t, they’re actually showing your spottie little rebellious twat favour, and the only person who usually does that is frying chicken and asking people what shit pictures he’s painting.

Can you tell what it is yet? – Rules. Fucking rules, like every other cunting year.

 

Prince William knocks up Kate to get 2 weeks off work for The World Cup

Prince William knocks up Kate to get 2 weeks off work for The World Cup

News Broke earlier than William and Kate are expecting their third child.

The future king apparently got randy after spotting a meme circulating around Facebook, which states that if you get your partner pregnant in the next two weeks, the timing of the birth will coincide with The World Cup.

The lucky prince should land his paternity leave in perfect time to have a break from his royal duties so that he can relax and enjoy the football.

The palace has declined to comment, but retired Butler, Gideon Trumbell said;

“It’s fackin’ obvious what he done. He’s played a fackin’ blinder. Fair play to ‘im is what I say.”

The die date has yet to be confirmed. More to follow as the story progresses.

 

Andy Serkis to play CGI Boris Johnson in the upcoming Brexit movie

Andy Serkis to play CGI Boris Johnson in the upcoming Brexit movie

The renowned ape impersonator and former mayor of London, Boris Johnson, will quite obviously have a starring role in the upcoming movie.

The film’s Director, Martin Durkin, said; “Initially I thought this would be a straight up casting job, but after studying the main players closely, it’s apparent that both Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage will need to be CGI.”

Serkis, who’s taking on the role of Johnson, is famous for his animated portrayals of other famous apes like King Kong and Ceaser from the The Planet of Apes franchise, as well as Gollum from from The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

He said; “I’m so excited about this opportunity. Although I do think this role will still be a challenge despite my experience. I’ve played practically all of the great apes, but Boris is the greatest.”

Further casting details haven’t fully been released yet, but Sir David Jason is thought to be playing Nigel Farage after his excellent performance as Toad of Toad Hall in Wind in the Willows.