House of Cards? More like House of Cunts

“The Tories and their new paid fuck buddies just voted down Labour proposals to end the public sector pay cap, and to employ extra police and fire fighters by a majority of just 14 cunts.”

The Tories and their new paid fuck buddies just voted down Labour proposals to end the public sector pay cap, and to employ extra police and fire fighters by a majority of just 14 cunts.

Idiots handbook, The Daily Express lead with the headline ‘VICTORY FOR MAY: Corbyn humiliated as MPs reject Labour bid to scrap public sector pay cap’ as the news broke. Has Corbyn really been humiliated?

Because from where I’m sitting the only people who’ve been humiliated are our hard working front line service employees, who’ve been fucked harder than a decapitated pigs head at an Eton party for the last seven years.

The recent terror attacks and the Grenfell Tower tragedy are a screaming indictment that austerity isn’t fucking working. How can terrorists go on TV and talk freely about their extremist views and not be monitored before committing an act? What the fuck did we throw all our rights away for Treeza? So that the Food Standards Agency can see which porn sites we’ve visited?

Cut after cut and failure after failure. Tower blocks literally built to burn, the homeless spiced out of their heads for a break from their shit existence, the army drafted in because the police are working 16 hour shifts and nurses relying on fucking food banks.

Welcome to Great Britain in 2017. We’re a fucking third world country, an embarrassment. The Tories have systematically ruined it then sold it off piece by piece to the highest bidder, and now they’ve literally just voted to not even try and fix it.

Has the pot ran dry? Because they’ve just managed to find a billion pounds to cling onto power by being propped up by a dubious entity, that most of the UK were unaware of just three fucking weeks ago, yet they can’t find the cash to give our life safers a decent standard of living.

Everyone who stood in that chamber tonight and went through the wrong door, in our archaic voting system, should hang their fucking heads in shame. They’re disgusting, greedy, parasitic bastards.

 

People think the earth is flat in 2017

“These are the same pricks who avoid tap water, deny the holocaust, treat themselves with homeopathy and think that the next iPhone will have a new feature.”

Since the 15th century its been generally accepted that the earth is spherical, yet the the idea of it being flat refuses to die like Rolf Harris, or the socks and sandals combo. Yes, in 2017, as we regress as a species quicker than an AA member having ‘just the one’ in a pub, this idea lingers and grows like an American with a pocket full of free burger vouchers in a McDonald’s.

The Flat Earth Society is actually a thing, and ironically it has members all around the globe. Hundreds of thousands of thick as pig shit, lobotomised, brain dead cunts who value a YouTube clip of a prick with a spirit level on an aeroplane, over hundreds of years of research from the greatest minds on the planet.

These are the same pricks who avoid tap water, deny the holocaust, treat themselves with homeopathy and think that the next iPhone will have a new feature. They’re more deluded than one of those 18 stone grandmothers you read about, who meets a 23 year old body builder in a far away land, marries him, then sells her house and sends the proceeds to his family only to never see the cunt again.

What did we expect in this post truth, alt fact, fucking ‘who needs experts’ utopia that we’ve created for ourselves? I don’t subscribe to the echo chambers theory. I think there are lots of groups, yes, who stay in their own little bubbles. But then I think there’s a massive majority of us, like minded people, silent in our horror, with perminant hand marks on our faces. We’re brow beaten, world weary and absolutely sick to the back teeth of stupid fucking cunts.

Inject your kids you neglectful cunts

“You’re worse than those religious nuts who let their children die of cancer, whilst they wait impatiently for a non existent God to fix it like some cosmic Jimmy Savile, only he fucks it instead, like some cosmic Jimmy Savile.”

Laughter is not the best medicine, nor is prayer or doing fuck all for that matter. Vaccination does not cause autism and even if it did, is that worse than dying of fucking measles contracted from a fucking birthday party you simple twats?

“Enjoy your jelly and ice cream Keanu because that’s your lot. See them spots on your face? That means you’re going to see Grandma soon up in heaven because mummy read up about the nasty injections on an American blokes website…..dont cry! 6 years is a good innings! At least you didn’t get autism.”

You shouldn’t be allowed children. You’re a fucking risk to them and any other child that they come into contact with. In fact, there’s so many deluded cunts spouting more bollocks than a coked up cabbie out there, that there should be a mandatory test before people can fuck.

You’re worse than those religious nuts who let their children die of cancer, whilst they wait impatiently for a non existent God to fix it like some cosmic Jimmy Savile, only he fucks it instead, like some cosmic Jimmy Savile.  At least those deluded cunts actually think their prayers will work. You just can’t be arsed going down the clinic “in case sumfink bad appens”

Ignorance isn’t bliss, It’s fucking scary. You weird cunts used to be on the fringes of society, sending your chain mail, practising your homeopathy and actually inviting in Jehovah’s Witnesses for a a wee chat. Then the internet happened, you actually have voices and can spread your ideas like fucking cyber AIDS, which, incidentally, you wouldn’t bother to fucking treat if it were a real affliction.

So. Log off fucking MumsNet, do a little research and book your kids in at the doctors in the morning you stupid, stupid bastards.

 

Benefits to rise by £6 million!

“As people burn to death in buildings coated with pretty coloured fucking bbq fire lighters, and the rate of homelessness increases quicker than a DUP bribe, the UK’s richest benefit claimant is set for a fucking £6 million pay increase along with a £370 million lick of paint for Buck Palace.”

As people burn to death in buildings coated with pretty coloured fucking bbq fire lighters, and the rate of homelessness increases quicker than a DUP bribe, the UK’s richest benefit claimant is set for a fucking £6 million pay increase along with a £370 million lick of paint for Buck Palace.

I know what all the arguments for the extra cash are going to be already; She works really hard cutting all those fucking ribbons and she’s getting on a bit, her diamond encrusted, solid gold Crown is pretty fucking heavy nowadays, and it must be a strain what with Philip retiring blah blah blah. But do the benefits outweigh the cost to the public purse? My grandad is getting on a bit. He’d cut a fucking 1000 ribbons for some help with his gas bill come winter.

£370 million seems a little excessive to do up someone’s gaff, especially when you consider that a whole fucking tower block could’ve been coated in something not flammable for an extra 2 grand.

It’s time we got rid of this antiquated system of superiority. Scrap the royals and fuck hereditary peers too. Just because you happened to be born to certain parents, at a certain place, in a certain time, it makes you no fucking better than the rest of us.

Unless you had Bryan Cranston’s parents and you were born in the same place as him, at the same time and they called you fucking Bryan Cranston, because that cunt is a god. He deserves 80 odd million and Palace just for services to tele.

“Oh but what about all the tourism Malcolm?” Fuck the fat American twats. They only spend money in fucking Maccies anyway, so it goes straight home. If we do ditch the Royals then just don’t tell the cunts. They dont fucking see them anyway! Just leave a few of them soldiers with the daft hats knocking about and Bob’s your fucking uncle.

Tim Wattacunt and the Mahogany Duke prove daytime TV is a fucking abortion

Fuck talk shows and the odd quiz, TV producers have found something cheaper to make than a fucking omelette. The antiques show. Once reserved for Sunday night viewing and aimed specifically at those who can actually remember buying the featured items fucking new, the format now dominates the box, like Donald Trump at a Miss. World contest.

You’ve got that 7ft mahogany twat jawed gimp on ITV, the fucking ‘Duke’. Duke of what, Alzheimer’s? The cunt constantly summarises what’s just happened as if you, the viewer, has the memory of a gold fish. The auctioneer says ‘I’m at £50 with the man in blue’ and then Davey boy immediately pipes up ‘the man in blue just bid 50 bobby dazzlers!’ We know you cunt. We just saw it.

There’s an array of odd looking fuckers on his show. That gold obsessed, 70 year old lady boy, who looks like he’s auditioning to be a fucking tarot reader. The scruffy greasy haired fat twat with the long grubby nails, who pretends he’s skint then buy a worthless piece of shite for 50 grand, and the prick with the massive eyes who looks like Two Face out of Batman without the good side.

Then you’ve got the cast of fucking Balamory on the Beeb. Does it say on the job spec ‘must have a gap in teeth and/or must be Scottish’? Everyone looks like a fucking League of Gentlemen character. There’s that perpetually happy black haired bird who reminds me of a Textiles teacher that’s accidentally stumbled onto the set and thought ‘fuck it, how hard can it be?’ Then there’s that fucking huge bastard who’d keel over if he ever managed to tuck his fucking shirt in. Oh, and don’t forget the long haired, well spoken one, who always wears fucking primary coloured trousers. No cunt is naturally that pleasant. I don’t trust him.

Finally there’s the ring leader. The fucking poor man’s Duke, Tim Wattacunt. That gapped toothed, shit Leslie Phillips impersonator is more irritating than fucking bleach on a eye ball. Especially when he says ‘yeeeaah’ like a fucking distressed snake.

I hate being off work ill. I got excited by something called ‘Lose Women’, but unlike Ronseal, the fucking tin lied. They were just a bunch of stuck up cunts trying to out do each other.

Susan Boyle and a Disney cartoon vulture just struck a deal

Just a few weeks after Theresa May’s attempt to strengthen the Tories hand collapsed like a fucking Glastonbury reveller after Corbyn ascended the stage and healed the sick, the ultra right wing party are now allowing themselves to be propped up by the DUP.

Treeza has somehow managed to find the elusive magic money Tree, and has cut it down quicker than David Dimblebly silencing and opinionated lefty, in order to pay the DUP a billion pounds for their support.

Like a shit new beer, Tory Lite will be weaker and taste a little bitter. Having thrown away their manifesto quicker than a pile of incriminating MP paedo files (excuse the pun) they’ve basically turned into a one issue, Brexit obsessed party. Like Nigel Farage’s birthday celebrations.

I don’t know the full the details of the deal, apart from that the DUP have actually expelled some of the less popular Tory pledges like a school age Paul Nutall caught chatting shit again by an angry P.E teacher.

I don’t think much will change though, we’ll still have a fucking austerity driven, divisive set of psychopaths in charge, hell bent on putting profit before people like fucking Ferengi caricatures, looking after their rich mates whilst the rest of starve and burn.

Will Treeza be here much longer? Who gives a fuck? She’ll just be replaced with another emotionless, rubber faced droid, when the time comes, which I’m guessing will be sooner than later considering she’s about as popular as a turd in a swimming pool.

 

 

Tommy Robinson slams Islam as a violent religion before knocking 7 shades of shit out of someone

The far right pint sized cunt, was seen ‘defending himself’ at Royal Ascot earlier, by knocking someone to the ground and punching him repeatedly six times in the face.

Robinson, aka Stephen Christopher Yaxley-Lennon, aka Andrew McMaster, aka Paul Harris, aka tiny featured, miniature racist and shit Keith Lemon impersonator, is famous for bigotry, mortgage fraud and out twatting Piers Morgan.

The little prick often relishes in telling people that he’s read the Qu’ran, when in reality he’d probably fucking struggle to spell EDL, an organisation which he headed up from 2009 to to 2013.

The English Defense League promises to ‘pretect Ingland from the Muslamics’ by walking around towns pissed up, carrying flags and chanting racism like a smashed grandad after too much whiskey at a family Christmas party.

Like in the film Twins, Tommy ‘ten names’ Robinsom is the shit left overs. He’s Danny Devito to Paul Golding’s fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We only know about this shit Napoleon because the media insists on giving the cunt a platform, like an over zealous, politically minded host at a dwarf convention.

It’s like when Nigel Farage was given 24 hour coverage by the BBC for five years, even though the tweed clad, frog faced, string free Thunderbird puppet didn’t even a hold a fucking seat. Where did that get us eh? Fucking Brexit that’s where.

My advice is to just ignore the microscropic poison filled irrelevance like that worrying lump under your arm pit. After all he’ll probably eventually  dissappear like shell suits or fucking UKIP.

 

Look who’s headlining Glasto!

Fucking Jezza that’s who! You can say what you like about the guy, but recently he’s come out of his shell faster than a fucking sanctioned hermit crab. I honestly thought the cunt was going to pull some fucking spoons out of his back pocket and start singing Kumbaya at one point.

Jeremy Corbyn is the happiest loser in history. He’s like the fat kid who’s secretly thrilled no one picked him for the football team, because he’s much happier whinging about not being picked than actually working up a sweat on the pitch and dealing with the giant cluster fuck that is Brexit.

He’s like the class geek who’s just shot down the bully with a killer line after years of abuse and has been rewarded with a kiss on the cheek from his favourite crush. He’s oozing more confidence than fucking Boris Johnson on a zip line.

I wouldn’t have minded being there you know. Imagine being in the front row and watching the bottles of piss hurting towards you literally turning into fucking wine mid air. The smell of fish stronger than in Russel Brand’s bed room after a night on the pull. The sons and daughters of Tory voters convinced they actually saw him levitate at one point because all they’re off their tits on trips and ket.

I heard Theresa May was’nt invited and that instead she was headlining a cheese festival in Dover, but was escorted away after it all curdled to chants  of “Fuck off” and “Step Down.”

Brexit: One year on and they’re all still fucking here!

A year ago today the 52% united and mobilised like a fucking walking street party, with their shitty plastic Union Jack bowler hats and England flags straight from a fucking Chinese drop ship.

The rhetoric of division was thrown directly into the eyes of the masses by the scum press, like an angry captive ape flinging its own shite into the faces of its mocking, gawping onlookers.

They had one purpose; ‘to make Britain great again!’, secret code for ‘look at that cunt over there, he’s stealing that job you don’t have.’

We were going to ‘take back control’, pump £350 million into the NHS instead of squandering it on fucking sombreros for those lazy fucking, napping Spaniards, and stop being dictated to by Europe with their stupid ideas of equality and fucking human rights.

But here we are now. The bargaining has started and our negotiating team are crumbling quicker than a Tory majority. Our hard Brexit is softer than a horny 90 year olds cock and Treeza has just told all of our doctors and nurses that they can fucking stay!

This wasn’t what we were promised on Independence day! This isn’t ‘taking are country back!’ This is just shit. Literally nothing has changed apart from we’re poorer and booze cruises will soon be a thing of the past.

Where’s UKIP when you need them? Ah that’s right, those fuckers disappeared quicker than a Tory manifesto the day after an election. Merry Brexit you cunts.

 

He didn’t bow for the fucking Queen the cunt!

“Look at him the disgusting terrorist shit. With his ill fitting Asda suit and his stupid fucking delusions of fairness. He lost. We won! Get over it! The fucking daft twat probably has dementia or something. We deserve to burn in tower blocks as long as we have a stong and stable economy”.

Said The Daily Express, or The Daily Mail, or one of the other bile filled, hard right idiot rag, aka the mainstream media. Probably.

I wouldn’t know, because on the rare occasions I’ve actually clicked on one of their links to have a proper gander at the latest shite, I’ve physically felt my IQ lowering quicker than Theresa May’s fucking poll ratings.

Fuck the 4 or 5 other people around him who didn’t bow. Fuck the fact that bowing at that point in the proceedings by someone of his standing isn’t actually protocol, let’s just go back to square one and revert to smearing the cunt in shit like we did two years ago.

After all, who gives a fuck? As long as there’s a piece about how the almighty saviour of Britain, Nigel Farage, should be knighted, and a big fuck off picture of the Union Jack, we know that our readers will swallow up any old shite like a pensioner on the fucking phone to a charity.

The comments section of our Facebook page will be filled with the incoherent musings of our brain dead, bullshit fed readers, poorly regurgitating precisely what we’ve literally just fucking told them to think.

Even if Corbyn should have bowed, which he shouldn’t have, would he still be in the wrong? Why is the Queen better than you or I? She was born into immense wealth and status, nothing more, nothing less. She eats, sleeps, farts and shits, and sometimes she’s hungover to fuck and in a right cunt of a mood.

Do you know who I would bow for? Any of our under funded, under paid and under appreciated emergency service employees who’s jobs get more difficult by the second. Our doctors, nurses, teachers. Anyone working with the sum total of fuck all in our rapidly declining country.

I wouldn’t bow to royalty if my neck was broken in face down position.