UK to accept ALL immigrants after Brexit

“Any member state wishing to leave the Union will automatically take any immigrants deemed a burdon on its remaining members”

The European Union has just dealt a fatal blow to hard Brexiters after revealing a clause in the European Union agreement which states;

“Any member state wishing to leave the Union will automatically take any immigrants deemed a burdon on its remaining members”

The government is in turmoil at it sits down to negotiate the terms of Brexit, with a spokesman stating;

“We wanted to push for hard Brexit, with complete withdrawal from the existing trade agreements including the free movement of people. This new revelation has somewhat soured the honey and negotiations could now take dacades.”

A secretary for the European Commission told French media;

“This clause is no secret. Assuming the British public were supplied with all the facts on leaving the Union before the vote, then this should come as no surprise to anyone. Germany will be thrilled to offload the 1 million refugees currently putting a large strain on their public services.”

More follows.

Well done on being independent you fat cunts

“You threw it all back in our faces like a fucking spurned acid attacker with a tiny cock.”

We fucking tried to introduce civilisation to your fucking back water desert, Christ knows we tried, but is was all in vain wasn’t it? You threw it all back in our faces like a fucking spurned acid attacker with a tiny cock. Congratulations on your treason you ungrateful cunts.

Yes, ok, you did alright for a couple of hundred years, I’ll give you that, but while mum’s away the twats will play and you didn’t just get a bit of paint on the walls, you burnt the fucking house down.

There’s more sugar in your diet than in a fucking Apprentice conference room. I bet it’s even in your toothpaste, that’s why you all have those veneers isn’t It? To hide the rotting stumps underneath, like fucking Pistorious’ blades.

And don’t get me started on the shite flinging orangucunt in charge. How the fuck did you let that happen? The guy’s head is more fucked up than a Tarantino film.

You should have stuck with us and done as you were told. You could have had a sense of irony, understood sarcasm and spelt colour correctly, but no. You wanted type 2 diabetes and fucking American cheese.

 

The last thing you’ll see as you hurtle to your death is a hundred grinning twats filming it

“We walk around, ear buds in, with our slack jawed faces lit up like fucking Queen in the Bohemian Rhapsody video, paying no attention to our environment like some sort of fucking techno zombies from a dystopian future turned real”

We’ve hit rock bottom as a society. We’re more devolved than fucking Scotland after a paddy, and it’s all because of the thing you’re reading this shite on. The ironically named smart phone, a device invented to enhance all of our lives and to make the acquisition of knowledge instant.

At least that was the idea. In reality two things the smart phone does absolutely guarantee are bad necks and fucking masturbation on the go. Quite fitting really, when you consider that its turned us all into fucking callous, socially inept wankers. Steve Jobs isn’t spinning in his grave. I’d know if he were because there’d be some cunt filming it.

We walk around, ear buds in, with our slack jawed faces lit up like fucking Queen in the Bohemian Rhapsody video, paying no attention to our environment like some sort of fucking techno zombies from a dystopian future turned real;

“Grandad, why didn’t you protest the government burning all the poor people?”

“Because I was tending virtual sheep Johnny, on my virtual farm, like an actual fucking dick head.”

The collective consciousness has deteriorated so much now that we’re like the Borg with fucking learning difficulties. On social media and in actual reality, we’ve been reduced to a vicious pack of mentally stunted morons, who attack anything they don’t understand, like the fucking English Defense League.

I say we of course, but most of us are silently watching on in horror as no one gets that Barry Gibb joke on Twitter, or everyone on your friends list shares an obviously fake news story about a baby surviving a fire two weeks after it happened. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking depressing.

People used to help each other in trouble. Now they just film it, separating themselves from the horror unfolding in front of them by viewing it through a 5″ screen. Recenty people have even filmed other people getting raped for fuck sake. What is wrong with the world?

And when did we allow our children to be bullied online? When we were bullied the bully was fucking there, in front of us! For Christ’s sake teach your kids to leave the virtual room, close the lid on the laptop or even close down the social media account. Boom. Problem solved. No more fucking bullying. We need to teach them that non of this shit here is important. Non of it.

Remember this though. When it does all get too much for you, when you’ve lost all hope in civilisation and you’re standing on that ledge ready to jump, take a deep breath and smile, because as you hurtle to your death, the last thing you’ll see are hundreds of goading, gawping cunts, filming it all on their smart phones.

Owen Smith hoped Labour actually had a chance of winning with him at the helm

Welsh centrist and shit Sgt. Bilko impersonator, Owen Jones, or is Smith? Who can remember? Who actually gives a fuck? Said that Labour might have had a chance in the General Election if he were the leader. Probably. I can’t remember because I fell asleep reading the fucking headline.

Anyhow, the miniature Tony Blair and professional backstabber had less fucking chance of winning a Labour majority than Eric Pickles has of walking past a fucking Burger Kind without going in.

Remember Angela Eagle? Nah, me neither, but she probably had more of a chance of winning than that perpetually smug cunt.

He was quoted as saying; “I don’t think any of us can argue with that and therefore I think he’s earned the right to try and get Labour into power and earned the right to be out next prime minister.”

Which is strange because it was only a few months ago that he was telling us all that Jeremy Corbyn was unelectable, you know, before he challenged him to a leadership bid and lost making the daft prick…erm…un fucking electable.

 

 

Donald Trump just twatted the news

“Trump’s critics overseas have jumped all over the clip quicker than an ex prisoner on a whore, eager to point out that the tiny handed vagina puller is in fact inciting violence towards members of the press.”

The most powerful man in the world, President of United States of America, King of the Oompa Loompas and walking toupee warning. Donald J. Trump just released a piece of propaganda so crude that it would make Kim Jong Un wince and Joseph Goebbels spin in his fucking grave.

The clip posted on Twitter is a subtle representation of President Trump winning his war against so called ‘fake news’. That’s if you think that some old footage of the orange hued, gimp jawed, strutting demick wrestling someone to the floor, with the victims face superimposed over with the CNN logo is subtle.

Trump’s critics overseas have jumped all over the clip quicker than an ex prisoner on a whore, eager to point out that the tiny handed vagina puller is in fact inciting violence towards members of the press. Accusations which the toad grinned, twin chinned, fuck has obviously denied.

And to be honest, I’m with President shit hair on this one. I don’t think the cunt is intelligent enough to realise that his actions may have consequences, like fucking off free health care or denying global warming. To him it’s just a funny video of him pretending to beat the fuck out of someone.

After all, it’s not like a super fan with one brain cell is going to see it, get pumped up, then shoot a journo is it? Who’d even give someone like that a gun in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right, fucking America.

Well played you fucking perma tanned, gimp faced, shirt collar stretcher.

Tories heil anti austerity protest a success because ‘millions of other people stayed at home’

Tories heil anti austerity protest a success because ‘millions of other people stayed at home’

This isn’t true obviously. They didn’t comment at all because they don’t give a fuck. Like Jon Snow being advised by his inner voice at music a festival, they’re just not listening.

Grenfell and the recent terror attacks have held a spotlight to the failures of austerity on our front line services, and even raises questions of basic safety issues being neglected by a penny pinching cabinet of cunts.

The government may not be listening, but the public anger is certainly in their periphery, like a fucking underage audience member at a filming of Rolf’s Cartoon Club. It’s enough for them to project the illusion of change but obviously nothing will.

There’s more spinning going on at Tory HQ than in a fucking gym class on the 1st of January. They’ve U-Turned more than fucking Maureen’s driving instructor and sound bites likes ‘lessons have been learned’ and ‘we need real change’ from senior Conservatives are polluting the air waves like a fucking Jedward track.

It’s great that people are out in force today united, but it won’t make a speck of difference, because for all the Tory rhetoric and bullshit, if they actually wanted to start ending austerity they could have made it happen in the commons the other day, instead of cheering as they voted it down like the heartless, out of touch, uncaring bastards that they are.

 

The Purge: Election Year

“It’s all gone to his head quicker than a fucking Hopkins Tweet after a tragedy.”

Grandpa’s had enough! Those MP’s who thought they could stab him in the back with one hand and pat him on it with the other have learnt a valuable lesson. This yogurt knitting Kumbayer ain’t taking no shit no more.

For two years we’ve heard how he can’t lead or unite his party, and that was exactly right when it was packed to the rafters with more cunts than a fucking bailiff convention.

Surely the basics of party unity is to get behind the fucking leader? Well Jezza was always a soft touch wasn’t he? They could go on TV wearing a fucking ‘Corbyn is a cunt’ T-shirt and return to a hug from the poor forgiving bastard.

All that changed last night though. The last few weeks have made Corbyn more cock sure than Mick Jagger before he started decaying. It’s all gone to his head quicker than a fucking Hopkins Tweet after a tragedy. He’s walking around like he won for Christ’s sake. The cunt even played Glasto.

Last night though he’d had enough. No more piss taking. Those who defied him are gone, and from where I’m standing that can only be a good thing. There’s still plenty of scum to mop up, but soon he’ll have a fully united party and we’ll have a proper opposition.

He’s got more occupations than the fucking Job Centre

“The cunt has more exposure now than fucking Kim Kardashian’s glistening fat arse.”

That bollocks nosed, country fucking, wealth hoarder, George Osbourne, now has a 6th job as an honoury professor of economics at Manchester University. What’s he teaching? How not to run a fucking economy? Who’s taking maths, fucking Diane Abbot? What else is on offer, advanced driving with Peter Sutcliffe?

I’ve heard the term Jack of all trades, master of non, but that Ceaser haired punch puppet takes the fucking piss. When Treeza sacked him I thought I’d miss him, standing there grinning to flashes of the press cameras, with his fucking red box full of misery on budget day, but the cunt has more exposure now than fucking Kim Kardashian’s glistening fat arse.

I bet people are being sanctioned because of that greedy, slack faced, crack eyed, soundbite repeater stealing all the fucking jobs. The Job Centre now has more filled positions than fucking Katie Price. Well, apart from the three which have just come available in the Labour party. No cunt wants one of those though.

The fucking middle distance staring twat has more titles than a fucking library, you remember them don’t you? They were the big things filled with books that were all shut down during Emperor Osbourne’s reign.

Oh, sorry everyone, I’ve got to go. Apparently I’ve just been laid off and I’m being replaced by….. The magnificent former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Editor in Chief at the Evening Standard, Commander of the seven armies, high priest of the Church of St. Cameron, Professor, Doctor, Sir George Gideon Oliver Osbourne!

Tossers celebrate 10 years of iPhone

“What’s the difference between an iPhone 6 and an iPhone 6s? A fucking ‘s’ and 300 quid, you thick cunts.”

Unbelievably it’s been a decade since the iPhone revolutionised modern life, by combining all the items we used to carry around with us like phones, MP3 players and the fucking stocks market into one handy touch screen device.

It was good to start with don’t get me wrong, but soon HTC, Sony, Samsung and a multitude of other devices quickly caught up and shit all over It like the Tories on the poor.

Apple’s brand is stronger than the government in Theresa May’s head, there’s no denying that, but for the last few years it’s definitely been a case of style over subtance. After all, why have 64gb of storage, a 5″ screen and a 15 mega pixel camera for £300, when you can get a 3″ screen, 32gb of storage and a 3 mega pixel camera for £750, with a wee fucking picture of an Apple of on the back?

Ok, I’m exaggerating like Paul Nutall in a television interview but you get my point. Flash twats with too much money buy Apple. I just don’t get it, but I shop at Matalan so what the fuck do I know?

iPhone fans are the type of twats who think Pizza Express is a nice place for a meal. “Er, ‘scuse me cunt. I just paid 20 quid for a margherita, can I trouble you for some fucking cheese on it?”.

They pay their fucking contracts off 6 months early so they can queue outside a shop for three days to buy the fucking interim model, expecting it to be somehow different from what they’ve already got in their pocket. I’ll tell you what’s different. The new model won’t turn to shite after the next IOS update.

What’s the difference between an iPhone 6 and an iPhone 6s? A fucking ‘s’ and 300 quid, you thick cunts.

The Selfservatives Cheered After Punishing Our Fire Fighters

“The cunt club on the wrong side of the house roared with happiness like a psychopath watching a baby drown to death.”

Like a room full of fucking Klingons celebrating an honourable death, this room full of cling-ons cheered their dishonourable ‘victory’ over Britain’s life savers. Yes, after voting to keep the public sector pay cap at 1% for the 8th year running, ensuring more misery for our Police, Nurses and Fire Fighters, The cunt club on the wrong side of the house roared with happiness like a psychopath watching a baby drown to death.

I don’t know if the 1% figure is a subliminal ‘fuck you’ as only 1% of people seem to actually benefit from these out of touch, money obsessed, uncaring, vicious bastards, ruling over us like fucking Nazi caricatures.

How dare Treeza stand there after every fucking tragedy, with her realistic human flesh mask manually contorted into a concerned expression, and praise our emergency services like she actually gives the tiniest of fucks about them.

Yes the Police did do an amazing job. Yes the Fire Fighters were excellent. Yes our nurses are fantastic. These are just hollow words though if you treat them like fucking robots. Your actions speak louder than your pathetic lip service, you tired old DUP pumper.

If you voted for this, strong and stable, more of the same, then I challenge you to defend the Tories voting down these proposals in the comments section. I genuinely want to see how any if it can be defended or justified.