Prince William knocks up Kate to get 2 weeks off work for The World Cup

Prince William knocks up Kate to get 2 weeks off work for The World Cup

News Broke earlier than William and Kate are expecting their third child.

The future king apparently got randy after spotting a meme circulating around Facebook, which states that if you get your partner pregnant in the next two weeks, the timing of the birth will coincide with The World Cup.

The lucky prince should land his paternity leave in perfect time to have a break from his royal duties so that he can relax and enjoy the football.

The palace has declined to comment, but retired Butler, Gideon Trumbell said;

“It’s fackin’ obvious what he done. He’s played a fackin’ blinder. Fair play to ‘im is what I say.”

The die date has yet to be confirmed. More to follow as the story progresses.

 

Andy Serkis to play CGI Boris Johnson in the upcoming Brexit movie

Andy Serkis to play CGI Boris Johnson in the upcoming Brexit movie

The renowned ape impersonator and former mayor of London, Boris Johnson, will quite obviously have a starring role in the upcoming movie.

The film’s Director, Martin Durkin, said; “Initially I thought this would be a straight up casting job, but after studying the main players closely, it’s apparent that both Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage will need to be CGI.”

Serkis, who’s taking on the role of Johnson, is famous for his animated portrayals of other famous apes like King Kong and Ceaser from the The Planet of Apes franchise, as well as Gollum from from The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

He said; “I’m so excited about this opportunity. Although I do think this role will still be a challenge despite my experience. I’ve played practically all of the great apes, but Boris is the greatest.”

Further casting details haven’t fully been released yet, but Sir David Jason is thought to be playing Nigel Farage after his excellent performance as Toad of Toad Hall in Wind in the Willows.

 

Activate? Activate what? Fucking psychopathic tendencies?

“I’m sorry but I didn’t realise the Conservatives had any yoofs. Aren’t they all born at the age of 45 in a suit and called fucking Gerald?”

The Tories are trying to emulate Labour’s momentum with their own group, to appeal to their own grass roots. There’s going to be some fucking mad rallies at Eton, it’ll be a proper fucking Pimm’s fest.

I’m sorry but I didn’t realise the Conservatives had any yoofs. Aren’t they all born at the age of 45 in a suit and called fucking Gerald?

Momentum members want cheaper housing, free education, a cheaper cost of living, a functioning NHS, oh and maybe the odd fucking statue of Karl Marx.

What will Activate want? Fucking private healthcare, increased homelessness and the well unfair state?

Give up the ghost. You’re not going to appeal to young people with shit memes and digs at the leader of the opposition. Say what you like about Corbyn, but the cunt has charisma. He’s quirky, different. A change from the establishment. That’s what’s so appealing.

You think Treeza is in touch with them? She’s about as appealing as treading in dog shit, and you can forget about Mogg, the only people who think he’s quirky and interesting died 200 years ago.

Face it. The only young people voting Conservative are the sons of daughters of current voters. It’s inevitable, like being fucking Mormon.

 

Mexico Pricing Up Ice Dragons

Mexico Pricing Up Ice Dragons

As President fuck spangle continues to demand a giant wall, nay, the biggest, strongest and bestest wall that the universe has ever seen, to keep out those wily rapists and bad hombres. Mexico is preparing to retaliate.

After considering insane ideas like ladders, boats and planes, ice dragons are now been discussed as a valid alternative to destroy any attempt at the physical border.

Mexican president Enrigue Peña Nieto said;

“I’ve told that orange bastard a million times that we’re not paying for his cunting wall. Did you see GOT? Fuck me. Those ice dragons smash walls like Trump’s cabinet smash coke.”

So far Mexico has been unsuccessful in its quest to hunt down one of the mythical beats, despite North Korean Dictator and inside out ham, Kim Jong Un, claiming he already has 10 of them.

Texans prepared for Hurricane Harvey after enduring 7 months of Tornado Trump

Texans prepared for Hurricane Harvey after enduring 7 months of Tornado Trump

The state of Texas is is readying itself for massive devastation and bluster as Donald Trump prepares a speech. Then it’s going to get ironically decimated by a hurricane named after an openly gay politician.

An act of God? Or a cruel Mexican/gay/black/muslim/trans *insert minority here* conspiracy?

President Trump tried to reassure Texans on Twitter by writing;

“This is gonna be one bigly wind folks. Yuge! This is what happens when Killary deletes mails! Sad.”

No one can predict what impact the Hurricane will have yet but it’s thought to be capable of causing $2 billion of damage to the backward bible belt state.

Updates to follow.

When did it become acceptable to go shopping in a fucking onesie?

“I don’t care if you’ve just freshly laundered your cosy fucking scrote suit, or if it’s straight off the rack from Georgio ArAsda, you look like grubby fucking skanks.”

I’m hardly Victorian in my values. I don’t expect people to dress up in their Sunday best when nipping out for a loaf, but is it too much to ask for them to get dressed in first place?

I know you’ve all got stressful and busy lives now with 24/7 work emails, longer hours and choosing the perfect fucking filter for your obligatory food pictures before you share them with all your friends who couldn’t give a solitary shiny shite if your antipasti was fucking lush, or your ‘cheeky vino’ was on point or not.

No one is too busy to put on some suitable outdoor wear. I’m sure George Osbourne doesn’t nip to Harrods in a fucking dressing gown and that cunt has 68 jobs. Ok, thats not fair. His servants, servant probably goes for him, but still, what’s your fucking excuse?

I don’t care if you’ve just freshly laundered your cosy fucking scrote suit, or if it’s straight off the rack from Georgio ArAsda, you look like grubby fucking skanks.

Sort your shit out you lazy fucking scrubbers. Save your fine silks for fucking sexy time with Wayne, or Trevor, or whatever the fuck he’s called, after surprising the cunt with the Wagon Wheels you’ve picked up from the Offy along with your 10 Sterling and litre of Lambrini.

Don’t panic if you fucked up your GCSEs the most powerful man in the world is also a thick cunt

Don’t panic if you fucked up your GCSEs today, the most powerful man in the world is also a thick cunt

So, you got a D in maths? Who gives a fuck? Donald Trump proves you can become anything you want to be with sheer grit, determination, and a small loan of a million dollars from your billionaire dad.

I mean look at him. That geriatric senile old shit bag is more embarrassing than when your mam used to pick you up from primary school pissed. Remember that? No?Just me then.

I digress. If you work really, really hard and never give up, even when all the fake news is against you, you to could one day be a divisive, racist, orange old hyper cunt with a penchant for fake tan, fake media, toupees and fucking red buttons.

All you need is a belief in yourself, the support of millions of knuckle dragging crap Nazi’s, $7 billion in the bank and a little help from a psychopathic Meerkat.

So never give up on your dreams. You’re not destined to work at Burger King forever, well some of you are obviously. We can’t all make America great again, some of us have to keep it fucking morbidly obese to.

I was going to buy a homeless man a sandwich today but my battery went and I couldn’t film it

“He’s completely unaware that you’re raking in thousands of pounds in advertising revenue and chucking him a few fucking crumbs off the table.”

What happened to doing a good turn just for the hell of it? Just to feel that warm glow inside, like the one Iain Duncan Smith used to get every time someone got fucking sanctioned.

Everyone these days wants a fucking pat on the back. Validation for nothing.

“So we gave this homeless guy 20 bucks, some new shoes and a Big Mac Meal. His reaction will melt your heart.”

No it fucking won’t pal. Your blatant exploitation of the poor cunt will melt my fucking brain. Fuck that, it will make my blood boil. I hate this shit. I hate what we’ve become and I hate where we’re heading.

You’ve got three million followers all gawping at him crying over what he perceives to be a random of kindness, someone treating him like a human being for once.

He’s completely unaware that you’re raking in thousands of pounds in advertising revenue and chucking him a few fucking crumbs off the table.

Look. If you want to help an old lady cross the road, do it. If you want to buy a homeless guy a sandwich then do it! YouTube channel or not though, try and refrain from posting an update on Facebook about your little adventure afterwards, because no one is impressed. They just think you’re a glory seeking cunt.

Help people because you want to. Not because you want to show off how fucking nice you are. If you do a kind act with no recognition then you should just feel good by making someone else feel good.

Massive Bell Ends

“I’m talking about the handful of MP’s who actually congregated with bowed heads to mourn its passing, like their fucking expenses claims before the freedom of information act.”

I’m not referring to Big Ben, aka Massive Mohammed, going silent for four years, oh no. I’m talking about the handful of MP’s who actually congregated with bowed heads to mourn its passing, like their fucking expenses claims before the freedom of information act.

Yet they all gathered around for the final bongs, like students who’ve found a fivers of sput down the back of the settee. Crying over a fucking clock like the out of touch cunts they are.

It’s a fucking clock. Mourn the loss of our civil liberties, or the masses of homeless people you’ve created. Shed a tear for the millions of starving children and the freezing pensioners scattered across the fifth richest country in the world.

I don’t know who attended and I refuse to look. I don’t care if I’m honest. All I know is that this is just another example of why our country is sinking faster than Eric Pickle’s lilo.

Who’s going to tell Darth Trader what to do now this shit Palpatine has gone?

“He’s got so much oil on his face that I’m surprised the US hasn’t invaded it and installed a fucking proxy government.”

Steve Bannon looks like the guy on the front cover of a leaflet about the dangers of fucking diabetes the fat cunt. He’s got so much oil on his face that I’m surprised the US hasn’t invaded it and installed a fucking proxy government.

He looks like the result of 30 years of hard drinking and a drop at birth, the fucking poor man’s Goebbels. Like a shit ventriloquist who can’t talk properly without moving his lips, and Trump is the clackety old dummy that’s past it’s best.

What’s that senile old bigot going to do without you now? Who’s going to tell the twat that adressing the nation in his fucking KKK pyjamas might be a step too far?

It must be strange being an anti establishment ex banker. Isn’t that like being an anti doughnut cop? You used to be a director didn’t you Steve? You couldn’t direct your own piss into the fucking toilet bowl, you fucking backwards hick rousing bible bashing cunt.

You did well campaigning though. Credit where it’s due. I mean, convincing a load of poor lobotomised racists that health insurance is good, simply by rebranding free health care to ‘black president health’ was a stroke of fucking genius. Even for you, you death complexioned minority worrier.

Fuckity bye.