Barry from Eastenders cast as next Wonder Woman

Barry from Eastenders cast as next Wonder Woman

Is the kind of stupid statement dick heads in pubs across the country will make tonight. No. It’s not the fucking same. The Doctor Is a fictional alien who can turn into anyone. He/she has more fucking faces than a Big Brother finalist. Turning female at some point was inevitable, and I won’t feel guilty about fancying the doctor anymore, like with Tenant.

Despite the faux outrage we’ve got to look forward to tomorrow in shit rags like the Mail and The Express, the next Bond won’t be called fucking Jemina and a black dwarf won’t be playing the Queen in the next biopic.

Things move on and change. It’s what makes us grow as a society, and let’s just be absolutely fuckin clear on this this. Doctor Who is kids tv show.

If you don’t like it watch one of the other twelve doctors from its 50 year run and stop whining like little prick.

 

 

Doctor Who rebrands as Nurse Who

Doctor Who rebrands as Nurse Who

In a shock announcement, Jodie Whittaker will be the first female to take on the mantle of Time Lord from Peter Capaldi in the shows 50 year history.

As the news broke, Jeremy Clarkson automatically turned into a vegan, Piers Morgan went on an equality march and Katie Hopkins felt an overwhelming urge to donate £10,000 to a refugee charity.

Up became down, left became right, the sun shone blue, the oceans boiled and Jeremy Corbyn burnt a fifty pound note in front of a homeless person.

Before the allotted time slot for tennis was even over the world literally started to implode. It raised many questions like; Are woman equal now? Will they fuck Bond over? Has the pay gap closed?

Luckily Phillip Hammond was hand to sort it all out by forcing the BBC to rebrand the popular show to Nurse Who. It would explain the difference in salary from that of a normal Time Lord and would ensure Jodie Whittaker wouldn’t crash the TARDIS by attempting to fly it.

Blair is the shit that won’t flush

“You look like a haunted faux leather handbag you fucking dead eyed deciever.”

We need to ‘rise up’ against Brexit says the man who ignored a million protesters. Fuck off! Borrow a Delorian and go back to ’97 when you had some respect and morals, you ironic former Middle East Peace Envoy.

You look like a haunted faux leather handbag you fucking dead eyed deciever. You ‘respect the will of the people’ and yet you think you can stop Brexit? You can’t, it’s done, we’ve fucked it. The fucking ham faced pig fancier saw to that.

Yes, some people may regret their decision, that’s what happens when they’re fed pellets of steaming hot bullshit. Remember? You fucking taut skinned psycho gazed irrelevance.

You’re a shadows, shadow of your former self. Internally you’re perpetually justifying your fuckery and convincing yourself you did the right thing. Externally, your cadaver lips slowly part to reveal your crooked teeth as your cheeks rise to meet your road map forehead. The cold piercing eyes never move though. This is your smile, it’s faker than Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

There’s nothing left is there? You’re a husk, a hologram, a shedded snake skin crudely pulled over a shit Blair statue carved by a manic depressive ex Labour supporter, you fucking vacant robot.

Treeza didn’t want to wear £1000 leather pants

“I’m sorry but how is she going to negotiate Brexit if someone can force a pair of trousers on her like some sick reverse rapist?”

An aide persuaded her into the fashion faux pas apparently. I’m sorry but how is she going to negotiate Brexit if someone can force a pair of trousers on her like some sick reverse rapist?

She alo reportedly shed a tear on election night. What happened? Did the fucking human effect, latex face mask malfunction? Don’t cry pet, you called the election. You should have been prepared for it blowing up in your face faster than a n****r in a woodpile remark.

It’s almost like she’s trying to appear normal. ‘Look at me, I cry and shit like commoners.’ But it won’t work. It’s too late, like a southern rail train, or Boris  going to literally any meeting.

The public have made their minds up. You’re unfit for purpose like cheap council flat cladding. Your days are numbered. Even if you persuade the electorate, the rest of your party are sharpening their knives. What’s it like to know how Jeremy Corbyn felt for two years?

Fuck poor people they deserve it

“Listen. If I really wanted to look at a load of scrounging, jobless scum, I’d open my blinds and peer out of my fucking window.”

What Shall I watch tonight, Benefits Street or Benefits Britain, Benefits by the Sea or 56 Kids and Counting, about a slag who’s clunge has been stretched more than a day time TV budget?

Or maybe I should watch Life on the Dole or Can’t Pay, We’ll Take it Away? Yeah I think I’ll watch that last one, that’s my favourite. Isn’t it nice how that old cunt with the wig patronises people for 10 minutes before ruining their lives and making them homeless in a really comforting way. It’s fucking beautiful isn’t it?

Let’s remember that without day there is no night though. The Jeremy Kyle show has exploited more poor people than fucking Cash Generator.

Listen. If I really wanted to look at a load of scrounging, jobless scum, I’d open my blinds and peer out of my fucking window, or even easier than that, just glance into my wife’s cold dead eyes.

It might be bit cynical of me, just a tad, but if I didn’t know any better I’d say that the TV stations and news papers had an agenda, like holding a spotlight to the tiny percentage of people who are out of work because they want a job as much as the Tories want fucking Treeza as leader, in order to make us all really fucking despise everyone on state ‘benefits’.

It fucking works though doesn’t it? I once caught ten minutes of Benefits Street when the batteries in my remote died. I was fucking seething.

I spent the next four hours driving around council estates,  smashing the windows of anyone cheeky enough to own a fucking plasma TV in 2017.

When you take a step back and really look, you realise it’s a lot like Nazi propaganda. It’s all a bit divide and conquer, despise the opressed and not the opressors. That just wouldn’t happen in the UK though would It? Surely not.

Welcome to the 1930’s!

“So expect more hate, more tyrants and plenty of fucking nukes. There’s no point in fighting it anymore. No point screaming alone at a million sieg heiling cunts. We’ve lost this one, it’s fucking over.”

It’s that time again! We’re massively over populated and well overdue a fucking good cull. The world has lost its mind and if you’re Centre Left, Left or even just have a brain and a fucking conscience then you’re on the losing side. You’re obsolete like TAB Clear, VHS or fucking UKIP.

Labour spent a decade telling us to be all politically correct and inclusive. It was a propaganda campaign if you like, taught in schools, reflected in TV dramas blah blah blah. You know the type of shite, some cunt calls his teacher a dyke in Grange Hill and there’s a half an hour explanation about why it’s wrong.

Now I’m not into government meddling on social issues but on this one Labour were absolutely right. The younger generation have been told for the last 20 years to respect people, faiths, cultures and sexuality. Basically, to not be a cunt.

Now I’m fully aware that some of the younger ones think there’s 567 different fucking genders, they have a god given right to be offended and that they can’t eat fish for fear of upsetting a pond, and believe me these cunts don’t help. They’re an easy fucking target for the right. They literally are fucking snow flakes who need a safe space and they let us all down.

I digress. It took 20 fucking years to reach a maturity in which we afforded each other basic pleasantries but its only taken the last 7 to undo it all.

True to form the Tories took over in 2010 and planted the seeds of hate and division by spunking it directly into the eyes of the masses, via shit rags like The Daily Mail and The Scum. We’re alright jack. Fuck the poor they’re just scroungers etc,etc.

Being a prick became the norm, hell, even fucking trendy. That venomous vulcan faced cunt Hopkins and others made careers out of it, and modern day ‘let’s exploit the poor’, cheap to make dick head fodder circus shows, saturate the Channel 5 schedule like piss on the back seat of a Saturday night taxi in Blackpool.

It’s been normalised now. People ask ‘Why can’t I say faggot or paki? Its PC gone mad, they’re just words’ With zero understanding of why we ruled out those horrendous dehumanising terms in the first place.

What do you expect when the media is dominated by rent a gobs saying we should sink boats filled with kids or political leaders stood in front of fucking replica Nazi era posters?

The rise of the far right is spreading like a cancer but this is nothing new. We’ve seen it all before.

So expect more hate, more tyrants and plenty of fucking nukes. There’s no point in fighting it anymore. No point screaming alone at a million sieg heiling cunts. We’ve lost this one, it’s fucking over.

The only thing left to do is mock them relentlessly. That way you can be really fucking smug in the seconds before we’re ironically obliterated by a rogue US nuke destined for North Korea, and in that split second between your watch welding itself to your wrist and you being vapourised, you can smile and say “I fucking told you so.”

 

We’re all self medicating one way or another

“We swallow anti depressants like Smarties at a child’s birthday party just to get through the fucking day, and those of us who don’t secretly smash two bottle of red every night like Keith Floyd preparing a meal just as an excuse to get twatted.”

What are you doing right now? You’re most probably gawping at a five inch screen, your neck bent in prayer to your new technology God, with your mouth slightly open, a bit of saliva meandering on down to your chin. Face it, your look like you’ve just had a fucking lobotomy. You’re bored. You’re always fucking bored now.

Well done for making it to paragraph two. That means you’ve resisted the urge to look at that notification. If you had have done, you’d have already forgotten that you were reading this, because these days we’ve all got the attention span of fucking Boris Johnson in a ball pool.

We swallow anti depressants like Smarties at a child’s birthday party just to get through the fucking day, and those of us who don’t secretly smash two bottle of red every night like Keith Floyd preparing a meal just as an excuse to get twatted. Either that or we smoke pot until a fucking peanut butter and crisp sandwich seems like best idea in the fucking world.

Then there’s the liars. The people who don’t need any drugs. Their brand of escapism from this perpetual shit episode of Eastenders we laughingly call a life, is probably the most damaging of them all; The Netflix bingers.

They sit there for 5 hours at a time. I say they, I mean we. I’ve got more vices than fucking B&Q. I smash the red, drop the pills and pretend I’m going north of the wall to rescue the fucking Wildlings at the same time. Now that’s fucking living!

I digress, they, you, me, us, throw more of our lives away than a fucking traffic warden looking at our precious screens. Watching someone build a meth empire, fight zombies or competitively fucking bake so we don’t have to.

Don’t worry though, finish your shift in the shitty job you despise, go home and make your tea, iron your clothes or do whatever other dull shit you do, then roll that fat one or fill that glass and start on Season 3, because tommorow it all starts again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Figit Spinners are a passing craze like UKIP

Figit Spinners are a passing craze like Pogs or UKIP

People get carried away with it all don’t they? Remember that poor fucking woman who toiled for about 6 months making a fucking loom band dress?

It was in all the shite rags wasn’t it? Daily Fail: ‘Loom Band Dress sells for £2.5 million on eBay!’

There was a little picture of the woman’s daughter modelling it with an interview piece to go along side it.

“First I’m going to pay all my bills and then buy a private jet.” No you’re not love. No one in their right mind is going to give you millions of pounds for a fucking wearable fire hazard.

After the alleged sale you hear nothing about it for three weeks, until you glance the same woman on page 26 of The Sun, crying into a pile of a million ripped up loom bands. Devastated that the mystery buyer was taking more piss than Trump in a Russian brothel.

That’s an extreme case of fucking idiocy though, but these distractions are needed now more than ever I’d say.

Anything to get your fucking obese type 2 diabetes ridden cherubs to put down their fucking smart phones for 30 seconds.

Maybe not figit spinners though eh? The last thing they need are stronger thumbs.

Trump is a perma tanned shit gibbon

“Unbelievably you’re still the most powerful man in the world, although I can’t see that lasting longer than a bag of ‘tiger blood’ in Charlie Sheen’s bathroom.”

Donald Judas Trump, you’ve not had a good Tuckering for a while because insulting dementia sufferers is wrong, even though you’re an easier target than a fat girl at 2am in a bar. Well, that’s what those Russian hookers tell me anyway.

Unbelievably you’re still the most powerful man in the world, although I can’t see that lasting longer than a bag of ‘tiger blood’ in Charlie Sheen’s bathroom. Nonetheless, it’s time to say a few words.

So, let’s get to it you saggy faced, loose chinned twat nadger. You tiny wandering handed toupéd toss pot. You’re a ginger piss guzzling, pussy grabbing, gob shite. A toxic alt human, thin skinned groper, a bewigged, gold obsessed, tiny handed philanderer. A Mexican hating, Putin bumming, cretin rousing, cunt puncher, you wife alerting, wall building, bile filled truth skewer.

Basically you’re a cunt aren’t you Donny? And you know it you privileged fuck. If you’d have left your fathers small ‘fuck off out of my hair’, million dollar loan in a savings account, then spent the next forty years wanking your massive ego and tiny cock, you’d be 5 times richer than you are now. That’s not success is it? That’s giant fucking failure.

In generations to come little children will ask; “Grandpa, what was it like before Emperor Barron II? In fact what was it like before the Trump dynasty? Did we really used to pick our leaders, were there really other places away from America?

Time is ticking Donny. Tick tock, impeachment or not? Your bullshit and lies won’t win against this clock.

Brexiters are as thick as fuck

“We’ve gone from being the biggest empire on the globe to an annoying fucking piss head who’s just glassed the landlord, needs to leave, wants to stay friends with everyone but won’t pay his fucking bar tab.”

Brexit. I fucking hate that word. Ironically it sounds like a cheap imitation Kit Kat from a fucking European super market. I can see the Aldi ad now; ‘Have a rest, have a Brexit.’

I wish we would have a rest, I mean, who’s fucking bright idea was this? Oh yeah, that loaded fucking toad mimicker, ‘man of the people’ tweed clad cunt. Only he had no power did he? Apart from the Brexit hating BBC giving the twat rolling 24/7 news coverage for 5 years, like he’s a fucking dead royal.

He didn’t instigate it though did he? So we can’t dump all responsibility on the prick. No, that was the fault of the balding lipless pig fancier, who assumed that the public would blindly and automatically do what a man who fucked the UK like it was the star of Babe instructed them to.

So here we are now. 1 vs 27. More fucked than Marilyn Monroe in the 50’s. Now I’m not getting all nationalistic and patriotic, that’s what got us into this fucking mess in the first place, we’re like the world’s shittest Nazis, I will point out however, that we’ve gone from being the biggest empire on the globe to an annoying fucking piss head who’s just glassed the landlord, needs to leave, wants to stay friends with everyone but won’t pay his fucking bar tab. We’re an embarrassment. A petulant 5 year old with its fingers in its ears, running around the play ground screaming Brexit means Brexit over and over again. Ner Ner na fucking Ner Ner.

All the other countries know we’re fucked, all the economists know we’re fucked, but we’re still lying on the bed, foggy headed, post Miss. World after party, looking up a topless grinning Trump and wondering.

It’s going to be great though, think of all the new trade deals! We can swap queuing and a sense of irony with America for Type 2 diabetes and poor spelling.

What exactly are we going to fucking export by the way? We don’t fucking produce anything apart from self doubt and small talk. Our whole fucking economy is based on PPI claims. As soon as Irene in Peterborough realises she’s owed 8 grand from Barclays we’re fucked, the illusion will shatter quicker than an X Factor finalist’s career.

Come on, you must regret your decision now that the novelty has worn off? Is it depressing? Like being the last kid in class getting his eagerly awaited fidget spinner, only to realise it’s just fucking rotating metal and there is no money for the NHS or any sense of hope.

Yes, the majority have spoken! Well sorry but the majority are thick fucking cunts.