People who eat with their mouths open should have their fucking lips stapled shut

“Listen John, your Spam bap looked less appetising than the contents of a surgical kidney dish before you started spitting chunks of it at me, now it just looks like you’re sucking on a placenta.”

You’d think looking at someone masticating would be fun, until you realise you heard it wrong, but I can assure you it isn’t. In fact I’ve enjoyed happier tooth extractions.

I can’t think of a crime more fitting for the death penalty than someone sat accross from you doing an impression of a fucking flesh cement mixer and exposing their chewed up pre shit.

It’s the height of fucking rudeness. You’re being visually raped at best and nasally fisted at worst.

“Listen John, your Spam bap looked less appetising than the contents of a surgical kidney dish before you started spitting chunks of it at me, now it just looks like you’re sucking on a placenta.”

It’s even worse when the cunt has his back to you and you can just about hear the pops and whistles over the grinding sound of your own teeth.

In any other environment you’d be forgiven for mistaking it for the sound of bacon frying, but you’re not. You’re at work with John and what you’re visualising is worse than reality. You should just throat punch the cunt.

Productivity is shit because wages are shit – Not because you’ve forced disabled people to work

How dare Phillip ‘spread shit’ Hammond blame the very people the Tories have spent the best part of a fucking decade forcing into work, by getting jumped up clipboard warriors with a GNVQ in customer service to judge them fit over actual doctors, on loss of productivity.

How dare Phillip ‘spread shit’ Hammond blame the very people the Tories have spent the best part of a fucking decade forcing into work, by getting jumped up clipboard warriors with a GNVQ in customer service to judge them fit over actual doctors, on loss of productivity.

How fucking out of touch are these cunts? Productivity is low because people are low. Wages have stagnated and people are on zero hours contracts, while food prices are rising quicker than Theresa May’s blood pressure when one of her cabinet of twats opens their fucking mouths to shit out the latest scandal pellet.

In short, as the old saying goes, pay peanuts and you get monkeys, or at the very least really fucked off workers who can’t be fucked grafting their bollocks off for a pittance in this modern dystopia you’ve forced upon us.

Phillip Hammond is just the latest Tory bastard to spunk his hate into the ears of the electorate. How these fuckers are still in government is beyond me.

So, let’s unfairly criticise him based purely on appearance without any basis in fact;

He looks like a fucking melted insomniac Walking Dead extra, with his ill fitting cadaver complexioned face hung loosely over his skull, as if it were a piss stained rain coat thrown over a disused cross trainer in a drunk’s apartment.

He’s maths personified, a walking fucking filing system in a low level Third Reich office, the fucking grey cunt.

It hurts him to smile for the camera as he contorts his face into an expression which only a toddler who’s been forced fed lemon could replicate.

He’s a cunt. They’re all fucking cunts.

Iain Lee is 6ft 4″ – He should twat that little prick Dennis Wise

We put cunts like Wise on pedestals for their physical prowess, but when you realise Amir Khan doesn’t even know who the fucking Prime Minister is you have to ask yourself why.

Yes I watch I’m a Celeb, it’s one of my guilty pleasures, like polishing off a bargain bucket by myself, or bestiality.

Of course Iain won’t fight Dennis because he’s not a well hard alpha like him, Amir Khan, or that bloke off that shit soap. It’s just not in his nature.

It’s sad how these three blokes have banded together and strengthened their bond by finding the ‘weakest’ male and mercilessly gossiping about him like some 50’s fish wives over a communal wall.

If he’s no threat and he’s not doing anyone any harm then why does he dominate their conversations like porn at Tory HQ? They even have to belittle his attempts at tasks and down play the severity of them to make themselves feel better.

We put cunts like Wise on pedestals for their physical prowess, but when you realise Amir Khan doesn’t even know who the fucking Prime Minister is you have to ask yourself why.

Get your spoilt little bastards one less gift this year

The Big Fat Secret Santa appeal is exploding like Eric Pickles after a vindaloo, but we need you to keep the momentum going by clicking and sharing the link below for a list of gifts to suit every wallet. Even yours you tight cunt.
www.satireaid.co.uk

The Big Fat Secret Santa appeal we’re running with The Rochdale Herald, NewsThump, Southend News Network and Angry People in Local Papers and is exploding like Eric Pickles after a vindaloo.

So far you’ve bought over 2,644 presents which we think would fill two articulated lorries! Or half of Jeremy Clarkson’s ego.

Joking aside it’s a tremendous achievement from our readers, but it’s still not enough. So, forget about your own snotty little shites for a second and make a difference to someone who’ll actually appreciate it.

Here’s a further update from The Rochdale Herald;

“Today you bought 250 presents for Barnado’s which will be shipped to the North West hub to be distributed around women’s shelters and young carers in Manchester, Liverpool and the surrounding areas from tomorrow.

Yesterday you bought about the same for the Cash for Kids Appeal that Bauer Media are running at Radio Aire in Leeds and the gifts began arriving today.

Rochdale Borough Council’s Staff Charity has received about 500 gifts so far with more on the way and sent us a message this evening telling us that they have all the good logistical problems or trying out to figure where on earth to put them all. The clear desk policy is out of the window.

Odeon Cinemas in Rochdale have pledged vouchers for cinema tickets for teenagers in Rochdale, numbers to follow soon, but thanks Dan at the Odeon in Rochdale!

Southend Borough Council have begun removing the packaging from their 700 odd presents and are hand inflating footballs and wrapping hundreds of boxes of Lego and Play Doh as I write this. Go to the Southend News Network facebook page to see your presents in the sorting rooms.

It’s all very exciting and EXTREMELY Christmassy. BUT. We need more presents. The shocking fact is that in West Yorkshire alone about 12,000 children will wake up without a present on Christmas morning.

But what can I do, you might ask.

Go to www.satireaid.co.uk and buy a present that’s what you can do.

We’ve chosen a range of gifts to suit every budget.

Choose a present, buy it and the rest will be taken care of by the hundreds of volunteers who sort and distribute these gifts every year around the country.

If you can’t do that you can help us by sharing the link www.satireaid.co.uk with your friends and asking people on social media to do the same.

Jason Manford retweeted us yesterday. Thanks Jason, could you all ask John Bishop to do the same?”

Shall we tell scrape wankers the magic water trick?

Shall we tell scrape wankers the magic water trick?

What the fuck are they doing? You see them every morning in winter ruining their fucking debit cards, painstakingly scraping away inch after inch of 1mm thick ice. Have they got really cool bosses or are they sad enough to set off to work early?

Pour some fucking water on it you daft cunts. 2 seconds and boom! No fucking ice!

I know why they won’t do it. They see us with our kettles and think in a nasal model train collector’s voice;

“Silly man. He’s going to crack his windscreen with hot water. He hasn’t thought this through. I’ll keep scraping, safe in the knowledge that I won’t have to get Gavin from Autoglass to fill my crack in.”

Well guess what. The water is fucking cold! Yes. You read that right. We don’t live in Canada and it won’t instantly freeze. Instead it just melts our pathetic British ice in 3 seconds flat. Now you know.

So who’s the clever cunt now eh? Yes, Halfords sell scrapers but PC World sells extended warranty and these are the same dick heads who whip out their credit cards as soon as the salesman suggests something might break.

If that fat bastard lets my kids down again this Christmas I’m going to the North Pole to sort him out

If that fat bastard lets my kids down again this Christmas I’m going to the North Pole to sort him out

All joking aside, hundreds of thousands of kids in our not so green and not so pleasant land live in abject poverty.

Years of austerity has taken its toll with many parents resorting to foodbanks just to feed their kids. We sadly live in an age where heating often trumps eating.

This isn’t political point scoring by the way, it’s harsh fact.

Well this year my fellow satirists decided to act on the initiative of The Rochdale Herald. Instead of just trying to make people laugh, Southend News Network, NewsThump, Angry People In Local News Papers and I, teamed up with them to make something amazing happen; To make a child smile.

The appeal hasn’t even been running for 24 hours yet and already hundreds of presents have been purchased!

The below is an explanation straight from The Rochdale Herald which outlines how you can be part of it, in some instances for less than a tenner. Come on. Let’s make a difference this Christmas;

“We’ve partnered with three charities, in Reading, Rochdale and Southend, who specialise in distributing toys and gifts to the children who really need them (Reading Family Aid’s Toys and Teens Appeal 2017, Rochdale Giving Back Christmas Toy Appeal and Southend on Sea Borough Council Toy Drive).

They have kindly given us some guidance on the sort of toys that prove popular, and those that are most in demand – you will no doubt be surprised to see a distinct lack of Xboxes, but lots of colouring in books, felt-tips and books to read. These children are not fortunate enough to have had the chance to develop expensive tastes.

We have also set up two Amazon wish-lists for these items, where ANY item purchased will be sent directly to the charity for distribution to a child that will be incredibly grateful to receive it.

You can find these lists here: http://bit.ly/satiresecretsanta

So – what can you do to help? Firstly, please go and visit the link above and see if there is a gift you would like to donate to a child in need this Christmas, and pay for it through Amazon like you would anything else you would buy. That gift will then go directly to the charity within 24 hours. Secondly, please share this post as widely as possible so it can do as much good as possible.

Due to the logistics involved in getting these presents to the families concerned, the cut off date for donations for the reading appeal is the 12th December, so we would hugely appreciate it if you could share this post far and wide today.

Treat this like you would the office secret Santa, except we’ve made it really easy for you to do something amazing instead of giving Dave in accounts a pint glass with his name on it. Let’s see if we can all brighten a few tiny faces on Christmas day.

Thank you for reading, and hopefully for sharing with your friends.”

You know we’re fucked when the most powerful man in the world backs a demented religious extremist over our own PM

Britain First are nothing more than an annoyance if ignored, in fact, I’ve had bigger movements with my morning shit, but now Trump has just given them a platform the likes of which they could only dream of.

Did CERN fuck up and not tell anyone? Did we all step into the fucking Quantum Leap accelerator and vanish around about the time America chose to elect that shit haired cunt monkey, or Britain thought it would be a grand idea to live off fucking bread and dripping for the rest of eternity?

Come on. We need the truth. No black hole was created when they turned that Large Hadron Collider on, but we definitely seem to have entered a parallel universe, like in a shit version of Sliders devoid of comedy mishaps along the way, or the promise of something better. Nope, we jumped straight into the worst possible dimension. We’re in hell.

It takes a lot to shock me these days. I’m mentally prepared now for the most bizzare possible outcome.

If I’m a fan of someone I expect them to die imminently, if I see an amazing comedy on TV I savour every second because I know there will never be another series, just infinite fucking Mrs. Brown’s reruns.

I look for ‘Nuclear Bunkers’ on Amazon now instead of 50″ 4k TVs. We’ve turned into the lowest common denominator,  post truth, alt-fact and anti fucking sanity society imaginable.

The most powerful man in the world shared three dubious propaganda videos from a dangerous, far right, minority UK based fringe group to his MILLIONS of followers. Let that sink in.

Britain First are nothing more than an annoyance if ignored, in fact, I’ve had bigger movements with my morning shit, but now Trump has just given them a platform the likes of which they could only dream of.

Has he actually listened to that toxic hawk browed hyper cunt? Has he seen her marching with giant white crucifixes and pissing people off outside mosques? If he has we should be very worried, and if I were Muslim and American I’d have a backup plan. This is 4th Reich shit.

To top it all off he chose to pick sides with fucking Jayda Fransen over the Prime Minister of the UK in a further Twitter spat, after he realised the real Theresa May had more than six fucking followers of course. You couldn’t make this shit up.

What a fucking time to be alive eh? It’s been nice knowing you all. Apart from you. You’re a cunt.

The Mail Online may as well replace the Katie Hopkins column with a serialised Mein Kampf

“She’s your dementia ridden grandad having a flashback in a German market. She wouldn’t just cause a scene, it would be a flying fucking wurst fest. Everyone would be scraping macaroon from their hair for the next three weeks and the floors would be stained claret red with fucking mulled wine.”

Let’s face it, it would probably be less offensive and easier to fucking read. ‘Mutual’ my arse, they dropped her quicker than an investigation into VIP paedos by the government.

How can you be too controversial for that fucking online shite rag anyway? What was the clincher, comparing immigrants to cockroaches, the final solution Tweet, or the gunships suggestion? I suppose we’ll never truly know, or care for that matter.

She’s a walking disaster, a fucking liability. She’s your dementia ridden grandad having a flashback in a German market. She wouldn’t just cause a scene, it would be a flying fucking wurst fest. Everyone would be scraping macaroon from their hair for the next three weeks, and the floors would be stained claret red with fucking mulled wine.

Where will I get my weekly dose of ill informed hate now? I suppose I could just wipe my arse on a copy of The Sun, butterly it in half and slowly open it to reveal an excrement rorschach test. That way I could just interpret my own hate piece instead of that cunt being paid to write one.

We’ve put up with this foot faced Pez dispenser of bollocks for too long anyway. First LBC and now The Mail Online. All we need next is for Twitter to hammer the final nail into the coffin of her shit controversy mongering career, by removing her rabble rousing, hate spewing account so she can fuck off back into obscurity, shouting abuse at foreign looking pigeons, surrounded by mangy cats before maybe reappearing in another 30 years like a shit Pennywise the Clown.

For now though, she’s gone. We don’t fear IT anymore.

There’s something you’ve never noticed about Chris Eubank before

And it’s staring you right in the face.

It’s not that he can’t say ‘Sister Act’ by the way, although that’s quite pertinent because he shares this feature with Whoopi Goldberg.

That’ right. He has no fucking eye brows and neither does Whoopi. Not one solitary eye complimenting hair.

Was it worth a click? Of course it fucking was because you never noticed did you?

Be honest. I only noticed because I read an article about Whoopi Goldberg having non the other day.

Then Boom!

I was scrolling through Louis Theroux documentaries on Netflix when I stumbled upon the above little beauty which hit me harder than a John Prescott egg retaliation.

Chris Eubank has no forehead buffer. He has verandaless eyes. He’s an expressionless wonder, a smooth operator.  He’s a fucking furless Terminator, the fucking legend.

How did we not notice? He doesn’t hide it with stick on ones. It’s there, plain as day!

You can go to bed now. Fuckity bye.

Man who lost his car keys files for divorce after his wife asks where he had them last

“If I knew where they were I wouldn’t have spent the last hour tearing the fucking house apart would I, you stupid bitch!”

Keith Miller from Aldershot filed for divorce from his wife Maggie yesterday after 14 years of marriage because he lost his car keys.

The 48 year old Plumber claims to have ‘seen red’ after Mrs. Miller asked where he last had them after he’d ‘searched the house from top to bottom.’

The couple were due to go on their monthly date night, which they were apparently already running an hour late for when the incident happened.

Baby sitter and eye witness, Sally Coates said;

“At first it was quite a jovial situation with Maggie saying he’d lose his head if it wasn’t screwed on. Even Robert (the Miller’s 10 year old son) jokingly asked Keith if he’d tried phoning them (the keys) which he appeared to see the funny side of.”

The mood in the house darkened though after Mr. Miller returned from the kitchen for the 20th time, for Mrs. Miller to ask innocently;

“Where did you have them last?”

According to Miss. Coates, Mr. Miller began shouting;

“Oh I don’t know! My fucking pocket? Do you think they’re in my pocket, I haven’t checked. Let’s have a fucking look shall we? Oh look. Not there! What a surpise. If I knew where they were I wouldn’t have spent the last hour tearing the fucking house apart would I, you stupid bitch!” Before demanding a divorce.

Mrs. Miller then reportedly removed her wedding ring before throwing it at her husbands face and shouting;

“I was only trying to help you useless bastard. You can’t find the sink or the rubbish bags most of time, or the fucking clitorus. Here, have your fucking ring back.”