Media successfully find someone who didn’t already think all professional cyclists were on drugs

Shocking news broke this week that not everyone in the UK considers professional cyclists to be routine drug users.

Other media outlets this week considered they had found an adult with an undamaged ability to perceive the world, who actually considers professional cycling to be a competitive sport without drug use.

“I find the notion that cyclists would routinely take an opiate/amphetamine combination drug to maintain endurance and decrease pain ridiculous,” said Imogen Grant, on tape, to a proper news outfit. We’re seriously, this wasn’t in the Canary, it was a proper story, in a proper paper. No, not the Mail, a proper paper.

“As for the idea that cyclists would use supplements to develop their VO2 artificially, or in any way do anything that wasn’t just peddling lots and getting really good at peddling lots, that’s nonsense,” said Imogen, who we understand prefers her nickname Immy.

Ms Grant’s opinion runs contrary to official guidance, whereby Team Sky are so called because either (a) they are high as the sky; (b) as high as you’d have to be to pay for Sky; or (c) a non-libellous option which is definitely the right option.

A much needed dose of realism was brought by man of the people, the unknighted Nigel Farage, speaking, as ever, on Question Time.

Farage said, “Immy? Immy Grant? Need I say more? I don’t even need to see her to know she’s a bit shady.”

Religion is stupid, confirms Jesus

Religion is very stupid and the way you practice it is frankly divisive, said Jesus.

His good friend, Mohammad, agreed wholeheartedly, adding “seriously, some of you are utter, utter, bellends, the way you misuse your faith. It’s more embarrassing than being judged by modern standards for ideas we came up with in a different time. Like don’t get drunk when it’s hot, I mean, I didn’t know Benidorm existed when I came up with that. But it’s still a good idea.”

Abraham concurred, saying, “I mean, shellfish, you know, who hasn’t had a dodgy prawn in hot climate? And who wants to burn up and look like a lobster? That’s not Kosher. But obviously, what we were actually getting was, don’t be a selfish shellfish. I.e. don’t be a twat.”

Buddha also agreed, adding “come on, if I am not an inspiration to stop putting shit on your sodding dating profiles about CrossFit and Tough Mudder, and boring the bollocks off everyone with your beige chat, I mean Jesus! Well he agrees.”

Laughing, Jesus said “yeah, fat lad got it right. Listen, I know better than anyone how to nail someone, right, and stand on me, you do not want to be going on about your training times, just take them for a meal, it worked for me, it works for Buddha, just have it large, first date, last supper, get banging those nails in. Quit doubting before the cock has had a chance to crow.”

All four we spoke to agreed vehemently that if you want to believe in God, maybe what you could do is pray to show gratitude for what you’ve got rather than (a) asking for something or (b) using God’s name as an excuse to be an utter cunt.

Jesus had the final words for us, adding “same goes for you sodding vegans, I’d throw you lot to the lions. Ask a lion if it wants to watch Cowspiracy and start eating lentils, you fundamentalist berks.”