Kim Jong Un stops threatening the US ‘to see how this Hollywood sex stuff pans out’

We’re all crapping ourselves like Tories in a dossier that the world is going to end quicker than a UKIP leaders career, and the solution was staring us in the face all along, historical sexual abuse!

It’s amazing isn’t it? That fat tyranical twat and evil Psy tribute has been threatening to destroy the US every day for the past six months, then BOOM! (Metaphorical thank fuck). Silence.

We’re all crapping ourselves like Tories in a dossier that the world is going to end quicker than a UKIP leaders career, and the solution was staring us in the face all along, historical sexual abuse!

Say what you like about Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and co, but they’ve literally stopped World War 3 by groping and raping indiscriminately like a 70’s BBC employee.

They’ve literally sacrificed their careers and reputations for the good of all mankind. God bless them.

Who’d have thought that a bit of scandal would stop that fuck grinned bowl cut in his tracks eh? It’s a fucking miracle. Fuck preparing nukes, let’s just air drop millions of copies of Hello magazine over North Korea. World peace boxed sorted.

 

No one is offended by a poppy

“And whilst we’re on the subject fucking bacon is not Muslim kryptonite.”

Around about this time every year you can almost hear the sound of drilling and sawing as a million bigoted cunts come out of the wood work to declare;

“Them Moslems…”

(all dick heads spell Muslim like this)

“can all go back home if dey don’t like are customs and poppys an dont respect are brave men an wimin!!!!!1

Yeah, I’m sure they’re all terrified of a plastic flower symbolising the millions of fallen veterans, many their own relatives, who died ironically fighting against fascist pricks like you.

If Muslims were offended by poppies then Bernard Manning would have worn one every night.

No one hates your flag, wants you to remove your poppy or objects to you celebrating Christmas, and the council are not going to force to say Happy Holidays instead.

And whilst we’re on the subject fucking bacon is not Muslim kryptonite. They don’t fear it like you do with a bath, so putting it on a door handle is a mild inconvenience at best you stupid inbred twats.

 

This sexual abuse scandal is turning into a witch hunt

#MeToo has been trending for weeks now, and it’s been massively eye opening, but as a man I refuse to apologise for any of it.

First Harvey Weinstein, then Kevin Spacey and now Dustin Hoffman. A witch hunt indeed. If the witches were repulsive gropey cunts and the ‘hunters’ were brave women and men who feel like they can finally speak out for the first time after years of suffering in silence that is.

Being a man is uncomfortable right now, and not in a ‘will all those women say anything?’ kind of way, not for the vast majority of us anyway. It’s difficult for a lot of us because we knew this was a problem but nothing on the scale of what has recently come to light.

#MeToo has been trending for weeks now, and it’s been massively eye opening, but as a man I refuse to apologise for any of it.

And with that statement no, I’m not going to turn this into a pathetic diatribe about how us ‘real men’ are victims too. There are no real men. There are flawed blokes trying to do the right thing who have probably fucked up at some point or will in the future, but the point is we outnumber the ones who know full well what they’re doing is wrong yet continue anyway.

I won’t apologise for them. I can’t. It makes me sick to the stomach to think that so many members of my ‘species’ think that this is a perfectly acceptable way to behave.

I would also like to think that I wouldn’t just stand idly by if I saw this behaviour, but I have probably done exactly that in my time on more than one occasion. See above about being flawed but trying to improve.

Something I may have written off in the past as banter, or chatting up, may have been abuse. It may have ruined someone’s day. How would I know? I wasn’t the victim.

That’s where us like minded blokes can really step up. Not by apologising for these rapey twats. They are not, for the most part, us.

However we can look harder at our surroundings. Call each other out when we’ve overstepped the mark and keep ourselves in check.

This is a massive learning curve for every single man on the planet, and if we don’t take these lessons on board now we never will and nothing will ever change. Let’s be the generation to end this shit and not the one that fucks it up.

 

Kevin Spacey coming out as gay is like Peter Sutcliffe saying he’s a vegan

“I’ve never liked Kevin Spacey. He looks like the after picture in a cosmetic surgery ad after Robert Lindsay’s before shot. A little more taught and defined but still wearing that same smug expression you’d never tire of twatting with a crowbar.”

I’ve never liked Kevin Spacey. He looks like the after picture in a cosmetic surgery ad after Robert Lindsay’s before shot. A little more taught and defined but still wearing that same smug expression you’d never tire of twatting with a crowbar.

He’s only capable of playing one character; prick. He’s more wooden than a Victorian dildo and has less dimensions than a shit Rick and Morty episode.

Coming out as gay does not excuse accusations of him being a nonce, which he apologised for if it did happen, because he doesn’t remember, because he was pissed, which is also not an excuse for being a nonce.

Gary Glitter probably says he’s straight but he fucks little girls. He was probably pissed on a few of those occasions too so I suppose it’s excusable then?

Is it fuck you oily grim featured walking jowl. What kind of fucking defence is that? It’s like Peter Sutcliffe coming out as fucking vegan. It means nothing. It makes about as much sense as a spilled bowl of alphabeti spaghetti you smug monotone cunt.

 

Top 10 Tips For Surviving Halloween

5. Pound shops usually have fantastic deals on sweets. Stay in one till 8pm and you’ll miss the little cunts knocking on your door.

1. Stock up on sweets and treats really early so they’re off by Halloween and the children get really ill.

2. Open the door dressed as Jimmy Savile with Gary Glitter songs playing in the background to deter parents.

3. Demand a trick then spend the next 10 minutes lambasting the kids for it being so utterly fucking shit.

4. Inject toffees with cyanide in advance.

5. Pound shops usually have fantastic deals on sweets. Stay in one till 8pm and you’ll miss the little cunts knocking on your door.

6. In your best elderly person voice keep shouting “help, I’ve fallen over” everytime you hear a knock at the door. That will give them a fucking scary.

7. Tell them it’s retro night. Give them each 2p and call them cheeky little twats.

8. Follow them home and knock on their door as soon as they get in.

9. Look really confused, keep prodding the youngest trick or treater of the group and telling the rest it’s a shit Guy, and that it’s not even bonfire night yet.

10. Go out for the night.

Robots now have more rights than women in Saudi Arabia

“And now she’s been given full citizenship, that’s like giving an OBE to a Hoover or Knighting a fucking kettle.”

Meet Sophia, she’s basically a fucking scary looking boss eyed toaster, only she can’t warm bread. She’s fucking Theresa May with a personality.

Sophia is at the forefront of artificial intelligence, after a GNVQ of course. She’s like an anti fucking sex robot. All the nagging and non of the shagging.

She can answer questions and even engage strangers in conversation, which is more than what most women are allowed to do in Saudi Arabia.

And now she’s been given full citizenship, that’s like giving an OBE to a Hoover or Knighting a fucking kettle. What’s the fucking point?

It must be disheartening for the poor women over there, watching a pretend unveiled woman talking to a massive audience about how nice it is to have more rights than an actual fucking person.

It’s like being mocked by a fucking iron or roasted by a Corby trouser press. It’s a fucking piss take.

 

 

Knobheads to watch knobhead watching knobheads

Knobheads to watch knobhead watching knobheads

Whilst May and co negotiate Brexit by not attending the meetings, refusing to pay the bill, or give anyone any rights, Jeremy Corbyn is going to appear on TV to watch knobheads whilst being watched by millions of knobheads, the knob-head.

Yes, the leader of the opposition can afford to dick about whilst the Tories fuck the country like Harvey Weinstein with an extra, and he’s now going to appear on Channel 4’s Gogglebox.

It will be the first time in history that so many knobheads have watched another Jeremy other than misery merchant Kyle and that candy floss headed cunt Clarkson.

It’s not yet known what Corbyn will be watching, but there’s a 95% chance that it will just be people slagging him off or slagging the people off who he’s trying to represent, interspersed with him looking really serious and saying things like “fairer”, “trains”, “many” and “tut”. Probably

Obese man horrified to learn waists aren’t measured under the gut

“I used to to brag about my pants being the same size as our tele, but that cunt at the tailors said it’s actually 62 inches. That’s bigger than a fucking cinema.”

Trevor Tompkins was mortified last week after getting a suit fitting for the upcoming wedding of his best friend Michael Watkins.

“I couldn’t believe it, I’m 23 stone and I’ve always had a 42 inch waist for as long as I can remember” he said.

“I used to to brag about my pants being the same size as our tele, but that cunt at the tailors said it’s actually 62 inches. That’s bigger than a fucking cinema.”

Mr. Tompkins’ wife Marlene said; “He’s a right fat bastard. He thought he was ok because he could still buy his trousers from the supermarket and not the big and tall shop.”

She continued; “I fucking told the daft twat he was wearing them wrong but he always said he’d look like an 80 year old if belted up under his tits.”

Mr. Tompkins has now vowed to lose weight after Christmas, as he earns extra income being Santa at his local BHS in December.

Who needs The Walking Dead when we’ve got Benefits by the Sea?

“Poor porn used to mean a grainy VHS. Now it’s about getting angry at Janice and her 56 kids that YOU’RE paying for…”

Why watch a multi million dollar episode of a TV programme about zombies when we can all laugh at real smack heads at a cost of 10p and a can of Breakers?

Fuck you Rick and your morbid band of survivors. What threat are stragglers in make-up compared to a UK government hell bent on the destruction of the welfare state, sanctioning our most vulnerable people for shits and giggles?

We could get irate and call them out on their human rights abuses, but why would we when can just throw things at scroungers on the tele courtesy of Channel 5?

Poor porn used to mean a grainy VHS. Now it’s about getting angry at Janice and her 56 kids that YOU’RE paying for, because obviously everyone who needs a little help is just like fucking Janice, because you saw it on the tele and read about in the Mail.

We’re bombarded with this shit. You can’t turn on the TV without someone getting evicted or gloating about having never worked whilst smoking a spliff. The producers must scour the country for the worst kind of cunt, either that or they just wait outside the Jeremy Kyle studio.

The trouble is it works! How dare these scrounging fuckers own a 200 quid 40″ plasma in 2017! They should eat dirt and live in ditch if I have to work 40 hours a week!

It’s fee propaganda from the free media in a free country against slaves of the system, and it makes me fucking sick.

Get angry and turn it off. They only make this shite because it’s fucking cheaper than an Alan Carr autobiography a month after being published and people keep watching it.

 

Stop putting cacti in your vagina

Immediately

No. Here’s a fucking thought, stop telling women what they can and can’t shove up their clunge.

Pages like The Independent and The Metro seem to have an unhealthy obsession with cunts like Brexiters with Katie Hopkins, or dick heads with Bono.

The same publications spend a lot of time defending feminism and women’s rights, whilst simultaneously advising them against massaging fucking Vick’s vapour rub into their sumps, which cheapens all that empowerment shite by suggesting they’re all thick as fuck.

Women need to be told not to stick a cucumber up their fanny as much as men need to be told they shouldn’t fuck gravel or masturbate with napalm. Again.

So what are the lessons to be learned? Don’t use Original Source Mint shower gel on your private parts, stop telling people what not to put on their sex organs and don’t insert anything into a Katie Hopkins. Theyre a literally patronising cunts.