Tories to decide whether to suspend Anne Marie Morris with a game of eni meani mini mo

“This is a saying that quite clearly flows around her circle as easily as a tray of cocain in a Commons toilet, or a decapitated pigs head at an Eton bash.”

Up until yesterday Anne Marie Morris was just another relatively unknown Selfservative gobshite, until she carelessly dropped the N bomb like a clap happy King Jong Un, seemingly unaware of the devastation it would cause.

In her defence she said; “The comment was totally unintentional. I apologise unreservedly for any offence caused.”

Yeah and I’m sorry for calling you a racist cunt Anne Marie. I apogise unreservedly for any offence caused.

You see this shit just highlights how out of touch this band of cunts are. Ask any normal person if saying n****r in 2017 is acceptable, and they’ll back out of the door quicker than Jeremy Hunt cutting a nurses salary.

This isn’t a phrase randomly picked out of thin air either, this is a saying that quite clearly flows around her circle as easily as a tray of cocain in a Commons toilet, or a decapitated pigs head at an Eton bash. Otherwise she wouldn’t have uttered it so freely in a room full of microphones.

It’s not just the building and the system which is archaic, it’s the people too. When your party’s ‘man of people’, Jacob Reec-Mogg, looks like something out of a Victorian drama and your back benchers chuck the N word around like the bill at a student meal, you know it’s time for a fucking change.

Flat Earthers Are As Thick As Pig Shit

“These are the same pricks who avoid tap water, deny the holocaust, treat themselves with homeopathy and think that the next iPhone will have a new feature.”

Since the 15th century its been generally accepted that the earth is spherical, yet the the idea of it being flat refuses to die like Rolf Harris, or the socks and sandals combo. Yes, in 2017, as we regress as a species quicker than an AA member having ‘just the one’ in a pub, this idea lingers and grows like an American with a pocket full of free burger vouchers in a McDonald’s.

The Flat Earth Society is actually a thing, and ironically it has members all around the globe. Hundreds of thousands of thick as pig shit, lobotomised, brain dead cunts who value a YouTube clip of a prick with a spirit level on an aeroplane, over hundreds of years of research from the greatest minds on the planet.

These are the same pricks who avoid tap water, deny the holocaust, treat themselves with homeopathy and think that the next iPhone will have a new feature. They’re more deluded than one of those 18 stone grandmothers you read about, who meets a 23 year old body builder in a far away land, marries him, then sells her house and sends the proceeds to his family only to never see the cunt again.

What did we expect in this post truth, alt fact, fucking ‘who needs experts’ utopia that we’ve created for ourselves? I don’t subscribe to the echo chambers theory. I think there are lots of groups, yes, who stay in their own little bubbles. But then I think there’s a massive majority of us, like minded people, silent in our horror, with perminant hand marks on our faces. We’re brow beaten, world weary and absolutely sick to the back teeth of stupid fucking cunts.

 

Don’t give them money they’ll just spend it on booze

“After a week on the streets I’d be snorting fucking arsenic if I thought it would give me some form of relief.”

No fucking shit! People have their ‘benefits’ suspended because Job Centres are having a fucking bonus driven ‘who can starve the most poor people’ sanctioning contest. If someone’s bus is five minutes late, you know, because life. Sanctioned. Car breaks down? Sanctioned. Overslept? No fucking food for your kids this week you scrounging cunt.

It’s ok though because they get pointed in the direction of a foodbanks. You know, them things the public step up and donate to so that poor can be fed, because government can’t be fucked using our taxes instead. I suppose they’re just like real banks but instead of collapsing and taking all your money, because some cunt in America likes snorting coke and gambling, you get a fucking packet of Asda Smart Price rice and sympathy instead.

Foodbanks serve only one purpose though. Have you ever tried paying your rent in fucking tea bags and Angel Delight? Guess what happens next? You’re snuggling up to a fucking anti homelessness spike, being judged because it’s your fault. I tell you what, if I’d been through all that I’d want a fucking drink.

Homelessness has doubled whilst government help for homeless people has halved. Throw sanctioning into the mix and it doesn’t take a fucking genius to work out that they’re not all lazy bastards.

If you think there isn’t a problem then go for a walk around your city centre at 8pm. It’s like night of the living dead out there, with thousands of people zombiefied. Off their fucking heads. And who can blame them? What else have they got. There’s more fucking spice out there than in an Asian Cash and Carry.

So, it’s all good and well getting on your high horses but I can say unashamedly that after a week on the streets I’d be snorting fucking arsenic if I thought it would give me some form of relief.

They’re humans, make eye contact, have a chat, buy them a fucking sandwich or give them some change but for fuck sake don’t adopt this “don’t feed the pigeons” mentality the government are throwing at you. If you ignore them they don’t cease to exist. If you install metal spikes they’re still sleeping rough further up the street.

I’m generalisiing obviously, not everyone on the streets has an addiction but don’t judge the ones who do until you’ve walked a mile in their damp ripped shoes

Never work with children or animals again

“Hey, here’s an idea, let’s do a trucking programme with Peter Sutcliffe, or a show all about cellar conversions with Joseph Fritzl.”

So, convicted nonce and shit decorator, Rolf Harris, wants to get back on the tele. I know we reboot things more than a Windows 98 PC these days, but he’s taking the fucking piss isn’t he?

The only time you’ll be back on TV is on Crime Watch or the 10 O’clock news when you finally fucking peg it. What’s the show going to be about? A fucking Saturday morning kids tv programme with no kids and you flanked by two police officers you dirty old cunt?

Who’s the star guest? Fucking Gary Glitter? Hey, here’s an idea, let’s do a trucking programme with Peter Sutcliffe, or a show all about cellar conversions with Joseph Fritzl. Fuck it, ‘Great British Walks’ with Raoul Moat. Are you thick as fuck or has the dementia set in?

Why can’t you just be happy making millions of pounds from your chicken franchise you fucking Kiddie Fiddling Cunt?

 

Europeans to refer to British as ‘Wildlings’ after Brexit

“They’ll be in hysterics when our economy collapses quicker than a UKIP leadership. When the only thing we’re trading is fucking insults and and Domino’s voucher codes.”

Who can fucking blame them? They’ll be in hysterics when our economy collapses quicker than a UKIP leadership. When the only thing we’re trading is fucking insults and and Domino’s voucher codes.

It’s not looking so great for Britain now is it? We wouldn’t bend the knee for the one true King, instead following the Queen of the north, Treeza. Now all we have to look forward to is burning alive and pie. Non of that fancy European muck for us. Who needs fine wines, pastries and gnocchi when we can have chips and fucking spray cheese from Trump’s landing?

I see the Brexiters are still looking at things through rose tinted glasses. That should be fucking Rose West tinted glasses, although I do respect them for finding a glimmer of hope in a mountain of shite, like a Russian whore finding Trump’s prick in a mountain of fat.

Still. We’ll be able to rule ourselves at least. We can tell those Euro cunts to stick their stupid human rights up their arses, and we can sleep safe at night knowing the government are keeping us safe by surveilling our every move for our own protection, as they build the giant fire wall to keep out the 7 meddling Kingdoms.

Christ I’ve watched too much GOT.

 

 

 

‘It’s fucking shit innit’ voted Britain’s most used phrase

‘It’s fucking shit innit’ voted Britain’s most used phrase

The phrase ranked top of a recent survey and was closely followed by ‘I can’t be arsed’ and ‘its too fucking hot’, which was carried by the Institute of Lanquage in Surrey.

The top 10 uttered phrases in order are;

1. It’s fucking shit innit.
2. I can’t be arsed.
3. It’s too fucking hot.
4. How much?
5. Are you for real?
6. Who gives a fuck?
7. What’s happened now?
8. I unfriended the cunt.
9. Tinder is full of dicks.
10. I’m sick of this shit.

In the survey, 1000 participants from varying backgrounds were asked what their most used phrases were throughout the day.

The results are striking when compared to a similar survey carried out in 1997, with the top 10 results ranked in order;

1. I can’t be arsed.
2. It’s too fucking cold.
3. Could I be any more of a Friends fan?
4. I see real hope for this country with that Tony Blair.
5. Let’s go to the pub.
6. I’ll give you a bell tomorrow.
7. I’m going to buy that album.
8. Would you like to go for a drink?
9. What time are we meeting up?
10. Is it bin day?

Experts point out that the results show  a definite change of attitude over the last couple of decades however, with Professor Jonathon McDermott from Manchester University saying;

“If you just compare those top ten phrases from 1997 and now, you can see a definite shift in the words used. The phrases in ’97 had more a social angle with a positive slant. The words used now depict a sense of despair.”

The study will be carried out again 2037 with results expected to change yet again.

 

Anyone else sick of the sight of these cunts?

“They’re on my news feed more than fucking pictures of food or mapped runs. They just appeared one day and haven’t gone since. They linger like Nigel Farage in a fucking golden lift.”

I don’t even know who they are, but They’re on my news feed more than fucking pictures of food or mapped runs. They just appeared one day and haven’t gone since. They linger like Nigel Farage in a fucking golden lift.

All a know is that he has a neck like a Wetherspoon’s bog wall and that her head is too big for her body. It’s more out of proportion than the President’s miniature pussy grabbing apparatus.

Like the moon or trees, it’s like they’ve always been here and no fucker questions it. Who are they, what is their purpose and why the fuck do I feel the need to read all the bullshit headlines they generate.

I dont care if they supposedly beat the fuck out of each other, they’re riddled with more STI’s than Russel Brand’s old mattress. Or that they’ve had a kid together and if he pays the maintenance for it not, and I couldn’t give a fuck if that walking lollipop deleted her Twitter account for 600th time or not. Yet here we fucking are.

 

Rees-Mogg to name next child 7 of 9

Rees-Mogg to name next child 7 of 9

The plum throated, double breasted, disdain distributer and grown up Walter the Softy, reportedly made the decision after the recent birth of his 6th child, which he named Sixtus.

The MP for 1865, who’s like Niles Crane but devoid of charm has settled on a total of 9 children sources say, and has ran out of names before being forced to use common ones.

Rees-Mogg, who looks like a child’s interpretation of a tory from 150 years ago, drawn solely from a description of him by a pissed up Marxist is apparently a huge Star Trek Voyager fan.

The fox hunt personified and side parted, circle spectacled silver spoon inhaler hasn’t commented as the he was probably too buy filibustering.

 

Trump Curtsies for Putin at G20 Summit

“Trump couldn’t wait to hobble over to his fucking master, with his little tail wagging and his tongue out in anticipation like Nigel Farage in a fucking racist poster shop.”

Trump couldn’t wait to hobble over to his fucking master, with his little tail wagging and his tongue out in anticipation like Nigel Farage in a fucking racist poster shop.

Ok, he didn’t curtsy, but he also didn’t try and rip Putin’s arm out from its socket, which is his usual style. Instead opting to pet him like some fucking prize horse that’s just won the Grand National, in a display of power more transparent than a fucking Gove leadership bid and more awkward than BoJo selling whiskey in a fucking Sikh Temple.

Which actually resulted in him looking as vulnerable and needy as the dementia ridden old man he’d be, alone and confused in a care home, looking for non existent cars to get in. If it weren’t for his immense wealth of course, oh and him being he most powerful man in the fucking world.

As meetings go it was pretty mediocre to be fair, apart from the micro expression of horror on Putin’s face when he gazed upon the piss Kings complexion for the first time, and secretly wondered if the Polonium had already been accidentally fucking administered.

 

Ultra realistic sex doll refuses intercourse and ignores you

Ultra realistic sex doll refuses intercourse and ignores you

Barry Shenthouse of Delemere Road, Rochdale, purchased Suzie, the new ‘Fukatron 5000 Super Hyper Fun Partner of Life’ sex doll from Chinese upstart, Fukima Industries, in April.

The hyper realistic looking robot, Theresa May, has condemned the sale of such items in the UK as the government prepares an outright ban.

Luckily for Barry however, he’s already owned ‘Suzie’ for 3 months and is ecstatic with his purchase;

“She’s so realistic. The hair, the feel of her latex composite skin, the removable, self cleaning cum chamber. It’s an amazing bit of kit.” He said.

Mr. Shenthouse decided upon the purchase after the recent break down of his marriage to his former wife, Mandy Shenthouse, who wishes to remain anonymous.

After the marriage went sour, he sold his Subaru and with cash in his wallet he began Googling;

“The marriage went sour, so I sold my Subaru and with cash in my wallet, I started Googling. That’s when I stumbled upon the Fukima website. I haven’t looked back since.”

He continued;

“At first it was all about the sex. I could bend her in any position and do as I pleased, but these last couple of weeks she just moves her head to the side and ignores me when I approach. Her legs have seized up too. It’s just like being married.”