Don’t worry about fake news when this shite is the ‘real’ alternative

In a world where high court judges trying to uphold the law are branded ‘enemies of the people’, and MP’s who vote to represent their constituents have their faces spunked all over the front pages of the right wing shit rags, like a fucking rogues gallery of Britain’s most wanted, then what harm is the odd story about Donald Trump being a piss connoisseur?

In a world where high court judges trying to uphold the law are branded ‘enemies of the people’, and MP’s who vote to represent their constituents have their faces spunked all over the front pages of the right wing shit rags, like a fucking rogues gallery of Britain’s most wanted, then what harm is the odd story about Donald Trump being a piss connoisseur?

If Brexit means Brexit, and Brexit means taking back control, and taking back control means a far right totalitarian media backed government, which Jack boots dissenters in the face, then Brexiters should be fucking proud of those 11 rebels, even if they aren’t allowed to be themselves.

Can anyone honestly say this is what leaving the EU meant to them? I didn’t see ‘Brexit means power crazed dictatorship seizes control’, on the side of a fucking bus, did you?

When did democracy become such a dirty word in this tiny floating cess pit of rising hate we call the UK anyway?

How can multiple voices debating the intricacies of our most important decision in a generation be a bad fucking thing?

No wonder they hate social media, where misguided traitors like me can offer up a differing opinion. No wonder it’s ‘tearing society apart’.

Tearing their grasp on society away more like.

Brexit CANCELLED! – By order of the Peaky fucking Blinders

What’s a fucking Tory rebel anyway? Someone dressed in a suit being a cunt by day, but who secretly distributes clothing to the homeless by night, like some shit Savile Row Bat Man?

If only that were the case. Can you imagine Arthur Shelby storming into Parliament high on coke, before driving the final nail into May’s failed government?

Well that exact same thing happened today! Sort of.

Parliament now have a legal guarantee to a vote on the final Brexit outcome, after Labour, the SNP, that bloke who used to be the Lib Dems and Tory rebels joined forces to defeat the government.

‘Joined forces’, ‘defeat’, ‘Tory rebels’? You have to love the media’s language don’t you? They make it sound like fucking Star Wars, not some sweaty auld cunts shouting at each other in a fucking ancient chamber.

What’s a fucking Tory rebel anyway? Someone dressed in a suit being a cunt to people by day, but who secretly distributes clothing to the homeless by night, like some shit Savile Row Bat Man?

Anyway long story short. A British parliament have taken back control of a British Brexit. Great news eh?

I have a funny feeling it won’t be in tomorrow’s shit rags though, as they praise Kim Jong May and discredit her treacherous MP’s.

You can see the headlines now:

‘Unpatriotic MP’s defy May to frustrate Brexit!’ – The Mail

‘MP’s Shit All Over The Will Of The People!’ – The Sun

‘Diana’s ghost furious with Tory rebels’ – The Express

We wanted Brexit! Not fucking democracy or experts. We want someone loud, who likes smoking fags and drinking beer to tell us it’s all going to alright, whilst telling our European overloads to go fuck themselves, as long as he gets to keep his pension.

We want Nigel Farage or Arthur fucking Shelby. We want out!

Man suddenly interested in cooking when Nigella is on

Mrs. Jones responded; “Bollocks, it’s her tits isn’t it, and all that suggestive finger licking with that sleazy background music?”

Mandy Jones, a school teacher from Hyde, was left dumfounded this evening when her husband, train driver Keith, suggested they watch BBC 2 at 8pm to “check out some Christmas recipes.”

“He hates cooking” she said.

“For the last few years we’ve eaten out on Christmas day to save all the hassle, but tonight he was intent on watching Nigella for inspiration.”

Mr. Jones defended his decision, saying to his wife; “I know I have Match of the Day recorded, but I just thought we could get some ideas for Christmas. We should eat at home this year with the family. Also I think Nigella is doing a special on Chistmas day about what to do with the leftovers.”

Mrs. Jones responded; “Bollocks, it’s her tits isn’t it, and all that suggestive finger licking with that sleazy background music?”

“You hate cooking and celebrity chefs. You called Jamie Oliver a pillow tongued cunt and Gordon Ramsay road map face. You think I’m stupid but I can see right through you.”

The couple reportedly compromised and settled on The Martin Lewis Money Show on ITV instead.

Prince Charles broke Ed Sheeran protocol when awarding him his MBE

Prince Charles broke Ed Sheeran protocol when awarding him his MBE

When Prince Charles awarded Ed Sheeran with his OBE yesterday, he broke protocol by failing to compliment Ed on his meteoric rise to stardom, or to praise his song writing ability.

The smash hit selling singer is used to people fainting in front of him and declaring what a genius he is.

However, he didn’t seem too phased by the future King’s gaffe and managed to remain smiling throughout the encounter. Although he did give a cursory touch to the Prince’s arm just to remind him who he is and maybe put him in is place a little bit.

Non of the Royal family were avaible for comment, but an official spokesman stated that the future king has already apologised to Ed off camera and informed him that he would make it up to him with a Knighthood in the not too distant future.

Ed Sheeran reportedly thanked the Prince before offering him a third off tickets to his next tour.

£35 billion? – What was the last divorce bill she negotiated, Paul McCartney’s?

So from my understanding, after a massive pointles argument, we’ve caved in and agreed to everything at a cost of 35 billion quid in the process. So basically it’s like having a row with my missus and making up over a Domino’s then?

So from my understanding, after a massive pointles argument, we’ve caved in and agreed to everything at a cost of 35 billion quid in the process. So basically it’s like having a row with my missus and making up over a Domino’s then?

Well I’m glad all that’s settled. Finally we can get on with the task of taking back control, so long as we keep doing what we’re told.

It’s embarrassing, these aren’t negotiations, these are panicked mid night booty calls to get fucked by Euro cock for one last chance at the table.

The UK is now the victim in an abusive relationship. We feel like we’re in control because Europe let us wear that strappy dress tonight, but when we get too much attention at last orders and he slaps us, we’ll blame ourselves.

Brexiters must be fuming though eh? They wanted to round up all those Polish people, who stole the jobs they never intended doing, and ship them back to where they came from.

But those pesky Poles and other “Foriners” ended up with more rights than us Brits and have retained their access to European courts.

Remind me again how this is good for me? I’m racking my brains trying to remember why anyone thought this was a good idea in the first place, but all I’m seeing are cunts in front of busses.

People who eat with their mouths open should have their fucking lips stapled shut

“Listen John, your Spam bap looked less appetising than the contents of a surgical kidney dish before you started spitting chunks of it at me, now it just looks like you’re sucking on a placenta.”

You’d think looking at someone masticating would be fun, until you realise you heard it wrong, but I can assure you it isn’t. In fact I’ve enjoyed happier tooth extractions.

I can’t think of a crime more fitting for the death penalty than someone sat accross from you doing an impression of a fucking flesh cement mixer and exposing their chewed up pre shit.

It’s the height of fucking rudeness. You’re being visually raped at best and nasally fisted at worst.

“Listen John, your Spam bap looked less appetising than the contents of a surgical kidney dish before you started spitting chunks of it at me, now it just looks like you’re sucking on a placenta.”

It’s even worse when the cunt has his back to you and you can just about hear the pops and whistles over the grinding sound of your own teeth.

In any other environment you’d be forgiven for mistaking it for the sound of bacon frying, but you’re not. You’re at work with John and what you’re visualising is worse than reality. You should just throat punch the cunt.

Productivity is shit because wages are shit – Not because you’ve forced disabled people to work

How dare Phillip ‘spread shit’ Hammond blame the very people the Tories have spent the best part of a fucking decade forcing into work, by getting jumped up clipboard warriors with a GNVQ in customer service to judge them fit over actual doctors, on loss of productivity.

How dare Phillip ‘spread shit’ Hammond blame the very people the Tories have spent the best part of a fucking decade forcing into work, by getting jumped up clipboard warriors with a GNVQ in customer service to judge them fit over actual doctors, on loss of productivity.

How fucking out of touch are these cunts? Productivity is low because people are low. Wages have stagnated and people are on zero hours contracts, while food prices are rising quicker than Theresa May’s blood pressure when one of her cabinet of twats opens their fucking mouths to shit out the latest scandal pellet.

In short, as the old saying goes, pay peanuts and you get monkeys, or at the very least really fucked off workers who can’t be fucked grafting their bollocks off for a pittance in this modern dystopia you’ve forced upon us.

Phillip Hammond is just the latest Tory bastard to spunk his hate into the ears of the electorate. How these fuckers are still in government is beyond me.

So, let’s unfairly criticise him based purely on appearance without any basis in fact;

He looks like a fucking melted insomniac Walking Dead extra, with his ill fitting cadaver complexioned face hung loosely over his skull, as if it were a piss stained rain coat thrown over a disused cross trainer in a drunk’s apartment.

He’s maths personified, a walking fucking filing system in a low level Third Reich office, the fucking grey cunt.

It hurts him to smile for the camera as he contorts his face into an expression which only a toddler who’s been forced fed lemon could replicate.

He’s a cunt. They’re all fucking cunts.

Iain Lee is 6ft 4″ – He should twat that little prick Dennis Wise

We put cunts like Wise on pedestals for their physical prowess, but when you realise Amir Khan doesn’t even know who the fucking Prime Minister is you have to ask yourself why.

Yes I watch I’m a Celeb, it’s one of my guilty pleasures, like polishing off a bargain bucket by myself, or bestiality.

Of course Iain won’t fight Dennis because he’s not a well hard alpha like him, Amir Khan, or that bloke off that shit soap. It’s just not in his nature.

It’s sad how these three blokes have banded together and strengthened their bond by finding the ‘weakest’ male and mercilessly gossiping about him like some 50’s fish wives over a communal wall.

If he’s no threat and he’s not doing anyone any harm then why does he dominate their conversations like porn at Tory HQ? They even have to belittle his attempts at tasks and down play the severity of them to make themselves feel better.

We put cunts like Wise on pedestals for their physical prowess, but when you realise Amir Khan doesn’t even know who the fucking Prime Minister is you have to ask yourself why.

Get your spoilt little bastards one less gift this year

The Big Fat Secret Santa appeal is exploding like Eric Pickles after a vindaloo, but we need you to keep the momentum going by clicking and sharing the link below for a list of gifts to suit every wallet. Even yours you tight cunt.
www.satireaid.co.uk

The Big Fat Secret Santa appeal we’re running with The Rochdale Herald, NewsThump, Southend News Network and Angry People in Local Papers and is exploding like Eric Pickles after a vindaloo.

So far you’ve bought over 2,644 presents which we think would fill two articulated lorries! Or half of Jeremy Clarkson’s ego.

Joking aside it’s a tremendous achievement from our readers, but it’s still not enough. So, forget about your own snotty little shites for a second and make a difference to someone who’ll actually appreciate it.

Here’s a further update from The Rochdale Herald;

“Today you bought 250 presents for Barnado’s which will be shipped to the North West hub to be distributed around women’s shelters and young carers in Manchester, Liverpool and the surrounding areas from tomorrow.

Yesterday you bought about the same for the Cash for Kids Appeal that Bauer Media are running at Radio Aire in Leeds and the gifts began arriving today.

Rochdale Borough Council’s Staff Charity has received about 500 gifts so far with more on the way and sent us a message this evening telling us that they have all the good logistical problems or trying out to figure where on earth to put them all. The clear desk policy is out of the window.

Odeon Cinemas in Rochdale have pledged vouchers for cinema tickets for teenagers in Rochdale, numbers to follow soon, but thanks Dan at the Odeon in Rochdale!

Southend Borough Council have begun removing the packaging from their 700 odd presents and are hand inflating footballs and wrapping hundreds of boxes of Lego and Play Doh as I write this. Go to the Southend News Network facebook page to see your presents in the sorting rooms.

It’s all very exciting and EXTREMELY Christmassy. BUT. We need more presents. The shocking fact is that in West Yorkshire alone about 12,000 children will wake up without a present on Christmas morning.

But what can I do, you might ask.

Go to www.satireaid.co.uk and buy a present that’s what you can do.

We’ve chosen a range of gifts to suit every budget.

Choose a present, buy it and the rest will be taken care of by the hundreds of volunteers who sort and distribute these gifts every year around the country.

If you can’t do that you can help us by sharing the link www.satireaid.co.uk with your friends and asking people on social media to do the same.

Jason Manford retweeted us yesterday. Thanks Jason, could you all ask John Bishop to do the same?”

Shall we tell scrape wankers the magic water trick?

Shall we tell scrape wankers the magic water trick?

What the fuck are they doing? You see them every morning in winter ruining their fucking debit cards, painstakingly scraping away inch after inch of 1mm thick ice. Have they got really cool bosses or are they sad enough to set off to work early?

Pour some fucking water on it you daft cunts. 2 seconds and boom! No fucking ice!

I know why they won’t do it. They see us with our kettles and think in a nasal model train collector’s voice;

“Silly man. He’s going to crack his windscreen with hot water. He hasn’t thought this through. I’ll keep scraping, safe in the knowledge that I won’t have to get Gavin from Autoglass to fill my crack in.”

Well guess what. The water is fucking cold! Yes. You read that right. We don’t live in Canada and it won’t instantly freeze. Instead it just melts our pathetic British ice in 3 seconds flat. Now you know.

So who’s the clever cunt now eh? Yes, Halfords sell scrapers but PC World sells extended warranty and these are the same dick heads who whip out their credit cards as soon as the salesman suggests something might break.