Nigel Farage heartbroken after learning The Daily Express is seeing Jacob Rees-Mogg behind his back

Nigel Farage heartbroken after learning The Daily Express is seeing Jacob Rees-Mogg behind his back

Eternal Brexit optimist and mouthpiece of arse holes, The Daily Express, has been brown nosing Jacob Rees-Mogg so much lately that its face is covered in elite pedigree shit.

Traditionally Nigel Farage has always been the poster boy for the expensive toilet roll, but recently he appears to have been ditched for an even greater tosser, and no amount of fuckery by the stringless Thunderbird puppet can change that, even the suggestion of a second referendum.

Ray Cist, a cab driver from Barnsley, Brexiter and avid Express reader said:

“Nigel who? He’s served his pupose now and he’s too busy cosying up that Trump. Rees-Mogg is gonna be our next PM plain and simple. He’s strong unlike Theresa and he speaks the truth. He’s just like one of us, except he’s landed gentry an’ that.”

Readers shouldn’t worry about their favourite paper too much however, as it still features daily updates about snowmageddon, leaving the EU, traitorous terrorist MP’s from the left and pictures of your favourite deceased Princess.

Woman given the vote 100 years ago still deciding how to use it

Woman given the vote 100 years ago still deciding how to use it

130 year old Eileen Bickton from East Sussex found out one hundred years ago today that as result of the suffrage movement, she’d be able to vote for the first time.

The retired librarian who attributes her impressive age to a mixture of walking, whelks and cocaine, has never actually executed her to right however.

“What’s the point?” She said.

“They’re all such tossers. Left, right, up, down. They’re all the same to me. They all promise the world and deliver nothing. It’s like voting for burning to death or drowning to death isn’t it?”

She continued: “Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way belittling the sacrifices those women made. The world would be be a far harsher place for women without them, but I just can’t bring myself to pick one of those slimy, lying bastards. ”

I asked Eileen if she planned on the voting I’m the next General Election now that Brexit is an issue. She just laughed and said “If I’m still around in another two month.”

Muslim Council to raise funds for secretive organisation of ‘discriminated’ privileged white males

“To suggest that a room full of high ranking police officers, politicians, magistrates and officials are involved in some sort of sordid collusion is absurd, it’s discrimination. We mainly wear frocks and compare angles.”

The Muslim Council of Great Britain have rushed to the aid of the Freemasons after they placed several full-page advertisements in national newspapers calling for an end to the ‘discrimination’ against their members.

The secretive 300 year old organisation made up of politicians, judges, barristers and allegedly plasterers, took out the ads after a recent spate of news stories which suggested they wield more power than they do.

Terence J. Smythe, a millionaire property developer from Bournemouth’s Grand Lodge said;

“Enough is enough! To suggest that a room full of high ranking police officers, politicians, magistrates and officials are involved in some sort of sordid collusion is absurd, it’s discrimination. We mainly wear frocks and compare angles.”

A spokesman for the Muslim Council, Tahir Mahmood, who is organising a series of fund raising events for the Freemasons said;

“It must be really upsetting to be discriminated against for these guys. I can’t imagine the horror they must endure on a daily basis after a campaign of determined and precise attacks on them from the media.”

Facebook urges Jim Carrey to shut the fuck up

Fuck you and your shit films you manic eyed, rubber faced cunt. So what if Russia was involved? These pricks would have voted for a shaved ape flinging its own shit if it wore a red cap with a Nazi slogan, in fact they did.

The response was in retaliation to a Tweet in which the ‘comedian’ said;

“I’m dumping my @facebook stock and deleting my page because @facebook profited from Russian interference in our elections and they’re still not doing enough to stop it. I encourage all other investors who care about our future to do the same. #unfriendfacebook”

A spokesperson for the reach crippling, satire killing, monolith, allegedly called the walking gurn up to tell him;

“Fuck you and your shit films you manic eyed, rubber faced cunt. So what if Russia was involved? These pricks would have voted for a shaved ape flinging its own shit if it wore a red cap with a Nazi slogan, in fact they did.”

The troubled actor has yet to respond on his Twiteer feed, and is still deciding whether he exists or if he is in a fact just a social construct, or a collection of energy projected by vegan yoga lovers.

More to follow;

Potato Man: First modern African was racist pasty faced cunt, DNA analysis shows

Britain First followers were in dissaray, with one neckless, gravel knuckled, twat badger asking “So do we like the blacks now or not now? Confused dot com lol.”

Ground-breaking DNA analysis has revealed that the remains of man found in 1903, in Gough’s Cave, Somerset, would have been black, with black hair and blue eyes if he were alive today.

This blows the theory that modern Britons were in fact white out of the water, and instantly resulted in the comments sections of online right wing shit rags being filled with the inane musings of fuck headed, ameoba brained, expert deniers, who immediately branded the findings as fake news.

“I’m no expert but…” appeared more times than Nigel Farage at a photo opportunity, usually followed by some bollocks about academics being “thick as fuck” and “pushing an agenda”, only written by demented chimps with their own shit.

Britain First followers were in dissaray, with one neckless, gravel knuckled, twat badger asking “So do we like the blacks now or not now? Confused dot com lol.”

What’s particularly worrying though is the spotlight this story has shon on us. The comments above are made up because I couldn’t be arsed screen grabbing, or directly quoting these pricks.

Set yourself a challenge now though, go and hunt down the original story and read through the comments on the likes of Sky News and The Daily Mail from their Facebook pages, they’re so much worse than anything I’ve written and will horify you.

To think that in 2018 people not only hold these views, but are also incredibly vocal about them, is astounding. All I can say is don’t learn any magic tricks, because if any of these cunts are in charge one day you’d be tried as witch.

Lord Sugar to send Lada playing ‘A Spaceman Came Travelling’ by Chris De Burgh to the Moon

Lord Sugar to send Lada playing ‘A Spaceman Came Travelling’ by Chris De Burgh to the Moon

Earlier today genius and entrepreneur, Elon Musk, launched the most powerful rocket in the word into space.

SpaceX’s Falcon Heavy Megarocket, which is destined for Mars, had on-board a red Tesla Roadster, one of Musk’s own inventions, playing David Bowie’s smash hit ‘Space Oddity’.

Upon reading the news, shit Henry Ford and bollock personified, Lord Sugar, immediately Tweeted that he’d be sending a Lada blasting ‘A Spaceman Came Travelling’ by Chris De Burgh, on an 8 Track, to the Moon.

Trying to make sense of the bizzare Tweet, Lord Sugar’s pal and confidante, Nick Hewer, reportedly said;

“Lord Sugar is a very competitive man and after seeing Mr. Musk’s triumph today I imagine he just wants to do his bit to represent the UK.”

He continued; “He’s always had an eye for a bargain so the Lada isn’t a surprise and he’s also a massive Chris De Burgh fan, I think, or maybe that song was just cheaper too?”

No further details have been Tweeted with launch dates yet.

Trump is half right, the NHS is broke, but it will always work because of its people

Where Trump is wrong is in his assumption that the NHS doesn’t work. It does and will continue to, because no matter how much the Tories plan on destroying it, our hard working doctors, nurses, cleaners, porters and admin staff will do everything to keep it beating as if it were the heart of a small child rushed to A&E.

President scrotum chin can mock our public services for his fucked up political point scoring all he likes, and in this instance he’s half right, our health service is chronically underfunded.

It’s in a bad way and if it were to receive a diagnoses it would be terminal cancer, but I know where I’d sooner get sick in a toss up between the United States and here.

Our NHS is probably the only thing left which unites the people of this not so green and not so pleasant land these days.

In a country torn over Brexit, divided by the welfare state and immigration, the NHS is the one institution I can safely say we’re all really proud of.

After all, free healthcare care for all, regardless of background or status, must be the ultimate hall mark of a civilised society.

Where Trump is wrong is in his assumption that the NHS doesn’t work. It does and will continue to, because no matter how much the Tories plan on destroying it, our hard working doctors, nurses, cleaners, porters and admin staff will do everything to keep it beating as if it were the heart of a small child rushed to A&E.

This is what we do in our country and it’s the one thing left which makes me proud to be British. When we get fuck all help from the government we step up.

Starve our poor will you? We’ll set up food banks!

Install anti homelessness bench devices? We’ll fucking remove them!

Underfund the NHS and pay its staff peanuts? They’ll react by treating the sick and dying in the fucking car park if there’s no beds.

Listen you gormless fuck headed lip swallowing cunt, you can slag off our bland food, you can take the piss out of our quaint little ways, or our politeness, but keep your tiny liver spotted hands away from our NHS, because if I have a heart attack in Asda tomorrow and there’s a doctor present, I can say with 100% certainty that he won’t be rifling through my pockets for fucking proof of insurance before saving my life.

Someone should tell Katie Hopkins that Ketamine is for horses….Oh

Someone should tell Katie Hopkins that Ketamine is for horses….Oh

The far right foot faced hyper cunt, Katie Hopkins, collapsed today after taking too much Ketamine for her dodgy shoulder, which is allegedly fucked from all that sieg heiling.

Emergency services reportedly rushed to her aid after laughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes and a shotgun was sourced, but they were quickly made aware that they weren’t in fact dealing with a horse, just a annoying twat who looks like one.

Hopkins, who recently outcunted The Daily Mail recently and lost her job as chief spokesprick as a result, now spends her time travelling the world and saying inflammatory things on Twitter to her tens of fans who love the fact that ‘speeks the troof.’

I for one hope that the attention seeking fuck headed bile spouter gets well soon. After all, there’s nothing more entertaining than watching a bastion of hate trying to pick up the shattered remains of a career built on controversy and trying to mold them into something meaningful.

Chin up cunt.