Dave ‘Pig Shagger’ Cameron assures Trump no one believes rumours in books

Dave ‘Pig Shagger’ Cameron assures Trump no one believes rumours in books

Brexit utopia architect and one time alleged pig fancier, David Cameron, has reportedly given President Trump his assurance that no one believes rumours published in books.

The news comes after a book titled ‘Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House’ by Michael Wolff was released earlier this week, which charts President Trump’s first year in office.

The publication has caused fury in The White House and with President shit for brains himself, alleging things like;

“He has a need for immediate gratification. It’s all about him. He just has to be satisfied in the moment” which we know not to be true from his manic, poorly spelled, 3am Tweets.

The main source of material for the book is President Trump’s former Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, who was sacked last year, is definitely not a Nazi, and looks like a walking diabetes warning leaflet.

Mr. Cameron sadly wasn’t available for comment.

Windsor council SHOULD move homeless people before the Royal wedding

Windsor council SHOULD move homeless people before the Royal wedding

Into fucking homes.

The homelessness epidemic in this country is a national disgrace. It’s fucking embarrassing, and if you don’t believe me because you live in the suburbs, then go for a walk around your nearest city centre at 8:00pm on any night. They’ve all turned into shanty towns.

The head of Windsor council, Simon Dudley, has asked the Police to remove homeless people from the area, before the impending royal wedding.

After all, we don’t want all those tourists seeing an outrageous amount of cash on being spunked on a scroungers wedding when people are dying in our streets.

Where does Mr. Dudley suggest we move these people to, and who is expected to do it, because the last time I looked there’s homeless people everywhere and in some areas the numbers have quadrupled since the Tories came to power.

Our prisons are pretty full too, and there’s not many fucking coppers about either these days. If they haven’t got the numbers to deal with actual crime, I doubt they want to prioritise moving people with fuck all on.

These aren’t just tory attitudes either, Labour’s Rochdale Council are looking into similar measures, and are also considering fining rough sleepers. Fining them what, 3p, a doc end? It’s a fucking joke, just not a very funny one.

Theresa May has publicly disagreed with Mr. Dudley, but that’s not enough. This isn’t a fucking third world country and she should sort this fucking mess out.

As for Jeremy Corbyn, if you’re reading this then I suggest you look into the attitudes of some of your councils and step in. You say you want to eradicate homelessness? Well you’re not going to achieve that with this disgusting and dehumanising approach.

Government to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by allowing fox hunters to hunt the homeless

Government to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by allowing fox hunters to hunt the homeless

“With fox hunting being theoretically illegal unless you’re hunting for foxes in front of the Police, and homelessness quadrupling in some areas, the move seemed like a no brainer” said a Tory minister, probably.

The proposal comes after several Labour and Conservative councils have attempted to quell the homelessness epidemic by moving beggars along, or fining them.

“We realised fining homeless people is difficult as they don’t have any money” said a Labour councillor in Rochdale who wishes to remain anonymous.

“We tried moving them on as well, but everywhere we move them to is also full of homeless people.”

The move has attracted a lot of interest from the fox hunting community.

Lord Painington-Torture said; “It makes perfect sense. Hunts are becoming more and more difficult. I broke my whip on a saboteur’s head on Boxing day, it’s just not cricket.”

He continued; “The sheer volume of homeless scum will take the sport out of the hunt somewhat, but at least we’ll be performing a public service and there will be plenty to go around.”

The first trials for the programme have been scheduled to take place in Windsor ahead of the impending royal wedding.

2018 and global politics is reduced to a Twitter dick swinging contest

There’s no planning. No delicate approach to dealing with potential foreign threats, just an unfiltered, unbalanced, reactionary torrent of potentially world ending diarrhea, shat out of the tiny fingers of a deranged orange shit wig stand whilst he takes a dump.

Remember when a President’s address was an actual newsworthy event, carried out with reverence, forethought and a well authored speech?

Granted, Bush was thicker than northern gravy but that didn’t matter, surrounded by flags, standing at his lectern with a team of competents in the background made him almost believable in his role as the world’s most powerful man, in spite of him fucking up more than a three year old iPhone.

Fast forward to 2018 and Global politics is reduced to a nutter with Twitter. Long gone are the lecterns, the speech writers and the competents.

Now the most powerful man in the world is an illiterate, senility ridden, school yard bully with an ego bigger than his intellect.

There’s no planning. No delicate approach to dealing with potential foreign threats, just an unfiltered, unbalanced, reactionary torrent of potentially world ending diarrhea, shat out of the tiny fingers of a deranged orange shit wig stand whilst he takes a dump.

2018 may very well be our last year on earth, and if that’s the case we fucking well deserve it.

Millions of fat twats now know what the inside of a gym looks like

23 stone Barry Burford, standing outside Gym’ll Fix It in Rotherham said; “I’ve signed up a year, 30 quid a month, but to be honest it’s a bit of a trek from my house and there’s no pool. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.”

Gym owners across the country have been rubbing their hands together at the prospect of millions of people stepping through their doors to setup a 12 month direct debit, comment on the ambience, then leave never to be seen again.

‘Today is the first day of the rest of our lives’ lied millions of fatties to themselves as they enrolled at their local gyms for inductions, which included pressing buttons and saying things like ‘that looks hard’.

23 stone Barry Burford, standing outside Gym’ll Fix It in Rotherham said; “I’ve signed up for a year, 30 quid a month, but to be honest it’s a bit of a trek from my house and there’s no pool. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.”

The news comes after millions of others thought about starting a diet today, but then realised it’s Tuesday, and that next Monday is a much better day to start eating salad and being depressed.