Due to lack of funding because half the population are thick as fuck, this year’s Knighthoods, OBE’s, MBE’s and CBE’s are to be replaced with a goody bag as there’s no money left.
The bag will contain the following luxury items; a torch, a CurlyWurly, a book of stamps, a free digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor and a copy of the Daily Express.
Eamonn Holmes is said to be ‘delighted’ with the CurlyWurly, however sources say he’d much rather have preferred a Chomp.
However Nick Clegg wasn’t so easily pleased and allegedly said;
“I was promised a Knighthood, I feel betrayed.”
Now he knows how all those fucking students felt.