Stop asking Facebook what time Asda closes

“Dose eny1 no wen bin day is”

Yes. Your fucking local authority website you dumb cunt.

“Dose eny1 no wen bin day is”

Yes. Your fucking local authority website you dumb cunt.

“When r kids back in school?”

Use fucking Google for Christ’s sake. The only answers you’re going to get off Facebook are 15 minutes later from your equally brain dead friends, who, incidentally, are probably asking fucking Beyonce on Twitter.

You shouldn’t be asking social media when your fucking kid’s term starts.

Sandra: “Had it wiv men me”

Mandy: “Aw, you ok hun?”

Sandra: “PM me”

Ah the attention seeker and the nosey bitch. A match made in heaven. Sandra doesn’t have any friends and Mandy hasn’t spoken to her for four years.

After this very public exchange, Sandra will inform Mandy that Paul, her dosser of a boyfriend, went out on Friday and didn’t return until Tuesday.

She’ll go on to explain that he stank of cheap perfume and wouldn’t answer his phone, and that she knows what he’s up to but will never leave him because she loves him ‘more than life itself.’

Mandy will then take great pleasure in telling the girls at bingo what a mug Sandra is and what a cunt Paul is.

“Only 5 of my friends will share this post”

You’ll be lucky you unoriginal cunt. They won’t share it because it’s shite. If you want to talk about an illness that’s affected you or to raise awareness about something, don’t use some fucking impersonal generic template and beg for shares.

P.S. Please please please share this post! Only 3 of my friends will. The rest of you just care if I die of AIDS.

Make the most of the German markets because after Brexit they’ll just be markets

Bang a few log huts up, play some shit generic festive saxophone music and boom! You can charge a fiver a shot for some hot wine, or 4 quid for fucking a macaroon and cunts will flock in their droves, standing there in the biting cold, skint, squashed by hoardes of other cunts all saying how fucking lovely it is.

Halloween is over, Bonfire night is done and Christmas aisles have been springing up in supermarkets accross the country like victims in Hollywood.

Yes, it’s that time of the year again, pre Christmas. The first merry cunt in your street will have his lights up by the end of the week, and Wham will be raping your ears every day on your morning commute by the end of the fortnight.

Long gone are the days of short Christmases. Now IT’S CRIIIISSSSSTTTMMAAASSS! for at least a fucking month. It just gets longer every year like a list of disgraced politicians.

It’s not truly Christmas though until you’ve lost a tooth in a Tesco fight for a shit 50 quid TV or end of line Dyson on Black Friday, or at least been to a fucking ‘Christmas Market’.

People love all that crap don’t they? Bang a few log huts up, play some shit generic festive saxophone music and boom! You can charge a fiver a shot for some hot wine, or 4 quid for fucking a macaroon and cunts will flock in their droves, standing there in the biting cold, skint, squashed by hoardes of other cunts all saying how fucking lovely it is.

Well make the most of this year and next, because after Brexit you’ll be walking around normal market stalls with inexplicable Cockneys shouting at you to buy fucking tomatoes and only dreaming about macaroons, when the Germans realise that not even the thickest Brits will pay 30 quid for a sausage and a stein of lager.

If we all chip in and pay Mrs. Brown’s tax bill will she fuck off?

I’d even take Miranda perpetually falling over in a poorly edited loop until the end of days than hear that open throated cackle, or witness that over practised fucking glasses twitch ever again.

Mrs. Brown and her boys are about as funny as twatting your elbow whilst escaping from the wreckage of your car after the horrific crash which killed your family.

I don’t care if they evade or avoid tax to be honest, I’m more livid about them being voted Britain’s best comedy. What the fuck happened there? Was there not a Brexit vote that day?

I’d sooner watch new Red Dwarf on Dave back to back for the rest of eternity than glance that collapsing prick in a dress for thirty seconds.

I’d even take Miranda perpetually falling over in a poorly edited loop until the end of days than hear that open throated cackle, or witness that over practised fucking glasses twitch ever again.

I’ve seen funnier fits for fuck sake. I’ve had more pleasant surgery in a half hour period. It’s fucking shit. It makes 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps look like Monty Python.

Society is fucked but don’t get too depressed because people will just film you when you jump

When did we allow our children to be bullied online? When we were bullied the bully was fucking there, in front of us! For Christ’s sake teach your kids to leave the virtual room, close the lid on the laptop or even close down the social media account. Boom. Problem solved.

We’ve hit rock bottom as a society. We’re more devolved than fucking Scotland after a paddy, and it’s all because of the thing you’re reading this shite on. The ironically named smart phone, a device invented to enhance all of our lives and to make the acquisition of knowledge instant.

At least that was the idea. In reality two things the smart phone does absolutely guarantee are bad necks and fucking masturbation on the go.

Quite fitting really, when you consider that its turned us all into fucking callous, socially inept wankers. Steve Jobs isn’t spinning in his grave. I’d know if he were because there’d be some cunt filming it.

We walk around, ear buds in, with our slack jawed faces lit up like fucking Queen in the Bohemian Rhapsody video, paying no attention to our environment like some sort of fucking techno zombies from a dystopian future turned real;

“Grandad, why didn’t you protest the government burning all the poor people?”

“Because I was tending virtual sheep Johnny, on my virtual farm, like an actual fucking dick head.”

The collective consciousness has deteriorated so much now that we’re like the Borg with fucking learning difficulties. On social media and in actual reality we’ve been reduced to a vicious pack of mentally stunted morons, who attack anything they don’t understand like the fucking English Defense League in an ethnic market.

I say we of course, but most of us are silently watching on in horror as no one gets that Barry Gibb joke on Twitter, or everyone on your friends list shares an obviously fake news story about a baby surviving a fire two weeks after it happened. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking depressing.

People used to help each other in trouble. Now they just film it, separating themselves from the horror unfolding in front of them by viewing it through a 5″ screen. Recenty people have even filmed other people getting raped for fuck sake. What is wrong with the world?

  1. And when did we allow our children to be bullied online? When we were bullied the bully was fucking there, in front of us! For Christ’s sake teach your kids to leave the virtual room, close the lid on the laptop or even close down the social media account. Boom. Problem solved. No more fucking bullying. We need to teach them that non of this shit here is important. Non of it.

Remember this though. When it does all get too much for you, when you’ve lost all hope in civilisation and you’re standing on that ledge ready to jump, take a deep breath and smile, because as you hurtle to your death, the last thing you’ll see are hundreds of goading, gawping cunts, filming it all on their smart phones.

It’s about time we got rid of these blood sucking leeches

We know that if Keith, a self employed plumber fills he his tax return in wrong and misses £300 he owes that he’s a tax evading cunt and will probably rightly go to prison. A celebrity however can squirrel away millions of pounds in perfectly legal tax avoidance schemes and will probably be treated to lunch by someone from fucking HMRC

Tax havens are the focus of today, usually a relatively boring subject but still, a nice change from philandering politicians and daily mass shootings eh?

We’re not thick. We know that if Keith, a self employed plumber fills he his tax return in wrong and misses £300 he owes that he’s a tax evading cunt and will probably rightly go to prison. A celebrity however can squirrel away millions of pounds in perfectly legal tax avoidance schemes and will probably be treated to lunch by someone from fucking HMRC as a consequence.

It’s not really news is it? We live in a two tiered system which we just accept like lab mice waiting to go blind from having some shit shampoo rubbed into their eyes.

Someone once said there are two certainties in life, death and taxes. Only some pay fewer of the latter than most.

Now the Queen’s finances have been put under the spotlight, again, we knew deep down that the monarchy would be using these schemes. Why wouldn’t they if no laws are being broken?

This isn’t a legal issue though, it’s a moral one. As part of her portfolio, some of her investments went to a company called Bright House, not much but a pound is too much where these exploitative cunts are concerned.

The company preys on those already oppressed in society by government, banks and big business. The type of people relying on foodbanks who are one sanction away from missing their gas bill.

They offer shiny new goods to struggling families on the breadline who want, for once, for their children to wake up to the latest games console on Christmas morning for a small weekly fee. You wanted to know where that 50″ plasma came from, well now you do.

The interest is higher than Michael Fallon’s blood pressure though and miss one payment and the bailiffs will be round quicker than an internet cache clear in a Parliament office. They are scum pure and simple.

I dont care if the Queen wasn’t directly aware where her money was going or how much of it was invested. It’s not fucking on. She has enough tax payer funded staff for one of them to realise that this is more out of order than an 80’s condom machine in a town centre pub.

It’s time for them to go. Spend the money saved on housing and infrastructure and no amount of shitty tourism arguments will change my mind.

US Mass shootings are like periods there’s one a month and they cause upset for three days

They’re as expected as a knitted jumper for Christmas off your nan, or a massive fucking gas bill in January, and to be honest it’s a fucking chore talking about it.

Oh look another mass shooting in America. It’s time to start sending our thoughts and prayers, because that did a fuck tonne of good for the latest victims who were in church this time didn’t it?

I’m bored of it. How many people need to get massacred before you can’t even be bothered opening the fucking link to see the death toll?

They’re as expected as a knitted jumper for Christmas off your nan, or a massive fucking gas bill in January, and to be honest it’s a fucking chore talking about it. I might just have a template prepared for the one next month, it will save me typing all this shit out again.

I can’t even get angry about it anymore, the arguments are more worn than Harvey Weinstein’s bedroom carpet, and what is the point in shouting at these fucking morons?

The answer is staring them right in the fucking face like sugar wherever they go, but will they listen? Will they fuck. They’d sooner spend a few billion dollars on bullet proof churches than tackling gun laws.

Check out President Tyranacunt’s Facebook update with tomorrows agenda just a few moments ago;

No fucking mention of it! Clearly the banquet is more important. Tucking into his silver platter burger a higher priority than the countless dead.

Sort your fucking shit out America. You’re a laughing stock. A joke, and not a funny one anymore either, your just tragic, a burnt out husk with no respect. You’re fucking Kevin Spacey.

The Nazis were not Socialists you morons

Listen you backwards Trump rimming Farage sucking cunt sacks, I’m going to explain a few things…

Did the alt right have a fucking alt education? It appears that being racist not only means that you have atrocious spelling and shit grammar, but that you also failed GCSE history, and yes, I’m ultra aware that I’m treading on very thin ice with this post, and that some clever cunt will no doubt list all of my typos and fuck ups immediately in the comments. It’s a a gamble I’m willing to take.

Ok. Listen you backwards Trump rimming Farage sucking cunt sacks, I’m going to explain a few things. Without sounding too much like Uncle Albert, during the war, the left and the right were a little more extreme than they are now. Almost.

In fact, they were all massive cunts murdering millions of their own. By the end, the only thing that differed was a smart uniform. Ok, it was a little worse for the people on the left as they were more hungry than fucking Eric Pickles at breakfast time, and therefore resorted to eating each other.

To be fair, if you weren’t black, Jewish, gay or a bit miffed with that Hitler fella, you generally had an alright standard of living at the height of the Reich, until they got bombed to fuck, raped, divided and bankrupted that is. Are you learning anything yet? Extreme = Bad.

Yes, the Nazis were called The National Socialist German Workers Party. That doesn’t mean they were socialists. Sometimes it doesn’t do what it says on the fucking tin.

The Nazis were incredibly clever in the early days, before they got higher than Whitney Housten in a bath. They were masters of proganda and imagery. It’s no accident their uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss, and so their name was picked to appeal to both nationalists (people who don’t kneel for an anthem) and socialists (people who think you should check in on your 90 year old neighbour and not to rob her gold).

The Nazis were hard line far right Fascists who despised anything or anyone that stood in the way of their perfect Aryan vision for Germany.

This isn’t fucking news. What I don’t understand is why cunts who sieg heil, in democratic countries, in fucking 2017, always come back with “But the Nazis were socialists!” As their only comeback when you call them out on it.

Listen you daft twats. You want to be a Nazi but you believe the Nazis were the lefties who you despise? Yeah. Great argument. It makes about as much sense as covfefe.

 

‘I don’t watch porn’ says wanker

What’s a little love custard splat in an environment where getting twatted and chatting shit for four hours to block a debate is considered the norm?

Another day another Tory sex scandal. Who gives a fuck if Damian cracked one off in his office ten years ago or not?

Yes, for you or I a cheeky work wank may be considered a step to far, but for these cunts it’s nothing. What’s a little love custard splat in an environment where getting twatted and chatting shit for four hours to block a debate is considered the norm?

Why is everyone getting outraged about knee touches and self service when just a few years ago a dossier on paedophile MP’s was lost.

It seems half the cabinet were fucking kids with impunity back in the 80’s and not one solitary fuck was given, but stare at someone’s tits for too long in a Parliament bar today and you’re ejected quicker than a remainer in a working man’s club.

Let me absolutely clear. Sexual abuse is fucking wrong in all circumstances, but are we really going to go through every MP’s history with a fine toothed comb looking for every misdemeanour?

I hate the fucking Tories with the burning passion of thousand suns but no government is not better than a shit one.

Highlight of Trump’s presidency lasted precisely 11 minutes

The tiny handed perma tanned shit gibbon hadn’t verbally shat out a half baked, ill conceived, and poorly articulated observation for 10 minutes! Had Kim Jong Un attacked? Even worse, was Twitter down?

Yesterday a departing Twitter employee deactivated President Trump’s Twitter account as a parting gift to the rest of the world.

For 11 solid minutes there was a sense of calm and sanity in the air, the likes of which the planet hasn’t seen since 2013. It was nice and familiar again, like Mary Berry or slippers.

Unfortunately that serenity didn’t last long as 67,000 bigoted followers searched for their Führer in unison, as if awoken by a far right Borg queen.

What was happening?? The tiny handed perma tanned shit gibbon hadn’t verbally shat out a half baked, ill conceived, and poorly articulated observation for 10 minutes! Had Kim Jong Un attacked? Even worse, was Twitter down?

They complained in their droves like middle aged women huddled around a customer service counter in Asda on a Saturday afternoon when you just want to buy some fucking fags.

Alas service was promptly restored and we were awaken from our slumber to the fucking never ending shit dystopian waking nightmare we now call reality.

Balance was restored and the wizened face old dementia sufferer was angrier than when a nutter shot at a massive crowd. Back to square fucking one.

Harriet Harman to compere at The World Famous Embassy Club

Leave it to the imagination for Christ’s sake. Actually telling the joke to illustrate how bad it is, is like beheading a reporter to let everyone know you disapprove of fucking ISIS.

Move over Manning, take a step back Chubby, there’s a new twat in town.

Ok, I get that Harriet didn’t actually make up the anti Semitic joke on last night’s episode This Week in the same way I didnt make that cake for last weeks bake sale at work. It came fully formed from Asda, or a racist baker if you like, and I know she didn’t say it to be a bigoted cunt, but come on Harman! That was more ill judged than a fucking Chico comeback tour.

Leave it to the imagination for Christ’s sake. Actually telling the joke to illustrate how bad it is, is like beheading a reporter to let everyone know you disapprove of fucking ISIS.

Also, don’t just casually suggest that the show’s host probably finds it funny as well like you’re just slinging a bit of banter. You basically called the cunt a racist with no proof.

I’ve never seen that giant faced Toby jug so fucking red with rage. For a minute his fucking wig nearly slipped.

Get your fucking shit together woman. The press are already making out that Labour hate Jews more than Hitler and your fuckery isn’t helping matters.