House full of emotionless unfeeling psychopaths vote animals are the same

Straight after the vote, 157 foxes from around the country sighed with relief as they were being torn apart by packs of ravenous dogs, to guffaws and jeers from chinless inbred plumb throated turbo cunts, who were wielding little whips to twat the horses they were riding on.

The government have been concentrating on really important post Brexit issues this week, like voting that animals no longer feel pain or emotion, like cuddly fucking Terminators with broken kill chips.

Straight after the vote, 157 foxes from around the country sighed with relief as they were being torn apart by packs of ravenous dogs, to guffaws and jeers from chinless inbred plumb throated turbo cunts, who were wielding little whips to twat the horses they were riding on, because what’s the point in just watching animals get hurt eh?

The only things that sullied their day out was the silence of the foxes who no longer wimpered in pain on account of their new found lack of sentience, and the fact that they couldn’t vote to take our country back to pre science in fucking person.

They’re not savages though. They haven’t taken us all the way back to the bad old days when you could punch your dog in the face for shitting on the chesterfield, or for pissing  on the rug. That’s would just be barbaric.

You could probably get away with kicking a goat to death for shits and giggles though, or stoning a sheep until it’s catatonic because they’re thick as fuck aren’t they?

After the relative success of the vote they are now planning additional votes on homeless people being thrilled to bits with living on the streets, poverty not existing, the NHS being well over funded, no MP’s ever secually assaulting anyone,  and Brexit being a fucking all round brilliant idea.

£40 billion to leave the EU? You could buy 40 DUPs for that or some fucking cinema pick ‘n mix

£40 billion to leave the EU? You could buy 40 DUPs for that or some fucking cinema pick ‘n mix

It’s a fucking dear do this taking our country back malarkey. For £38 billion they can keep the cunt as far as I’m concerned.

Don’t we even get a Black Friday deal eh? After all it’s a strong British tradition isn’t it? Beating the fuck out of each other in a Tesco for a shit tele has been around forever, like tapas, or Elf on a Shelf.

So Merry Christmas! I’m sick to back teeth of writing about Btexit so here’s a little festive divorce bill poem instead to cheer you all up;

You can’t have any police or nurses or sprinklers for your flats,
You’ll lose all your rights except the one to torture cats.
We’ve decided that the homeless are not worthy of new homes,
But we’re doing up Buck palace and it’s being kitted with new thrones.
Don’t moan you whinging plebiscite you voted for this shit.
We don’t care it’s pennies to us and the poor are hardest hit.

Morrissey says controversial shit when there’s tickets or an album to sell

When the fucking inspiration for The Head from Art Attack opens his Jackie Stallone bile slit to spew out yet more arse gravy, you’re compelled to comment, like your fucking nan who’s come up to visit from the south coast and has seen her first brown person.

It’s like he’s found Katie Hopkins’ fucking playbook under a pile of her discarded bollocks pellets.

Why bother working your arse off trotting around doing mundane promotional interviews with those cunts on The One Show, when you can just say something inflammatory to some German publication, light the touch paper, then bask in all the free publicity whilst the money rolls in?

It works like a charm every fucking time in our ultra sensitive, outrage consuming society. It’s like he’s almost jealous of the attention Weinstein et al are receiving, but knows he’s duller than a copy of Geometry Weekly so jumps on the band wagon by defending them.

Look, even I’m doing it right now! It can’t be helped. When the fucking inspiration for The Head from Art Attack opens his Jackie Stallone bile slit to spew out yet more arse gravy, you’re compelled to comment, like your fucking nan who’s come up to visit from the south coast and has seen her first brown person.

Maybe he just resents time itself and he’s taking it out on everyone else. After all he looks like a Spitting Image self fulfilling prophercy or the bloated corpse of a depressed club land lookalike recently pulled from the ocean. He’s a fucking before picture to Quentin Tarantino’s after, the chubby pretentious cunt.

It’s International Men’s Day! – Just like the other 364 days of the year

It can be a bit shit at times working out what it means to be a man right now, but we need to let those parameters keep changing until we get it right. This is the only instance where sons should pay the price for the father’s sins.

You know, just to make all the blokes who kick off on Twitter moaning that we should have our own one every fucking International Women’s day aware.

I’ve seen some stupid shit floating around in the internet gutter today about how we’re all labelled rapists and perverts etc. Come on lads, you know that’s half fucking right anyway. If it isn’t then why do you clear your browsing history?

It’s not because you’re shopping for wedding rings is it, it’s because you know deep down that searching for ‘granny amputee rimming’ is a tad fucking pervy.

Do you honestly believe all women think we’re monsters, or that we’re somehow oppressed? Woman are our mothers, sisters and partners, and the only blokes who forget that usually end up bitter, resentful and single.

Don’t confuse the current media outrage/exposure wave with actual public opinion, that’s how fucking Trump and Brexit happened.

Accept that there are cunts among us and just try your hardest not be one. I know that our role is being constantly redefined in an ever changing world and that things were simpler for previous generations, but that’s how we progress and move on.

I agree, it can be a bit shit at times working out what it means to be a man right now, but we need to let those parameters keep changing until we get it right. This is the only instance where sons should pay the price for the father’s sins.

So. Enjoy your day if you must and don’t be a cunt about it. It means nothing and will continue to until we get paid less than women and have to endure endless sexual assaults as par for the course.

If you’re ok with murdering elephants for kicks then your head should be mounted on a fucking wall

Admit it, you only lifted Obama’s elephant trophy ban so your fuckwitted son can bring home a tusk and make a fucking ivory dildo out of it.

Hunting fucking elephants for fun though, aren’t you the clever cunt. That requires less skill than a fucking Wetherspoons chef, open door, put food in, press button, wait for fucking ping.

Not only is elephant hunting patently stupid, it’s completely fucking pointless. I mean, how hard can it be taking aim at a massive lumbering three tonne target and squeezing the trigger? What do your other hobbies include, Kitten wrestling? Fucking bunny boxing? You fucking geriatric orange embarrassment.

Elephants are sophisticated, have long memories, communicate in ways we’ve yet to understand, live in loving family groups and mourn their dead, sort of like giant grey anti Trumps.

After the conservationist Anthony Laurence died two separate herds of the wild elephants he saved starting showing up at his house on the anniversary of his death every year. Don’t believe me? Google that shit.

How the fuck do they know he’s dead and how the hell do they know what day it is? Let’s not bother finding out, let’s just shoot them and hang their heads on the fucking wall like an imitation Picasso.

You’ll only remember the anniversary of your Presidency with fucking Facebook’s ‘On this day feature’ you fucking walnut faced chin smuggler.

What makes some dickhead standing on the Serengeti look at a majestic elephant kicking up dust in the Twilight think ‘quick, lets shoot it!’

Admit it, you only lifted Obama’s elephant trophy ban so your fuckwitted son can bring home a tusk and make a fucking ivory dildo out of it.

What’s next? Lift the ban on fucking children so your mate Epstein can get his end away?

I say legalise hunting, but make it fair. By all means kill an elephant but you have to do it naked with your bare hands.

I hope in a parallel universe somewhere there’s a fucking family of elephants admiring the wall mounted head of a dead president, with the perpetual bemused expression of a man who’s just seen the gleeful glint of revenge in a gun toting elephants eye before the fatal kill shot , you fucking melted hay mained cunt.

I’m not a veganised tri sexual omni trans who identifies as organic hummus – Should I be worried?

Personally I don’t agree with gender exploration in children, especially really young ones, it just doesn’t seem right or necessary to me, like religion.

They say you can never have too much of a good thing, unless you’re American and the good thing is sugar of course, but currently we have too much politically correct. There. I said it.

Call me a Tory wanker and burn me at the stake. I don’t fucking care, but before you gather the pitch forks and light the torches, just read that back.

I didn’t say we’re too politically correct. I said there’s too much of it, and if you don’t believe me just watch any magazine show, read any magazine, or open a fucking newspaper. Not The Mail or The Torygraph obviously, how can you enjoy a wank if you’ve contracted fucking Siegheilitous?

Look. I’m a leftie and proud. I don’t fucking ‘identify’ as one, I am one, to me anyway, although some readers would assume I’m Blairite scum because I happen to think Communist era Russia was a bit too murdery, or Communist China for that matter. Fuck it, any Communist regime ever. Admit you cunts, it doesn’t fucking work does it?

Anyway, I digress. I’m a lefty in that I happen to think we shouldn’t have more fucking homeless people on our pavements than those little white stones pressed into them.

I’m a lefty because I believe in fairness, rights and freedom of expression, but personally I don’t agree with gender exploration in children, especially really young ones, it just doesn’t seem right or necessary to me, like religion.

I think children should be allowed to explore who they are and grow up naturally, then when they’re adults they can do whatever they please with their bodies, but that’s just my opinion and I’m certainly no expert.

I can almost hear the outrage brewing in the distance from those who read no further, the sound of a million knitting needles clanging after a hard day’s yogurt weaving, who are getting angrier than a shit haired President with a disabled Twitter account, and that’s fine. I’ve come to expect unbridled rage in our ever so tolerant society.

If you think I’m wrong though, debate me. Show me why. Don’t just call me a bigot and block me, that way we’ll never progress as a society.

My point is this. The more of a minority someone is, the more they appear to be over represented in the media at present.

A white ‘transracial’ man from Florida who identifies as Filipino dominated the headlines the other day. I mean, am I allowed to fucking laugh at the absurdity of that? And if so, for how fucking long before I’m arrested for a hate crime?

Daily Telegraph feed on their own as apparently none of them can remember what happened to Jo Cox

I fucking hate people who can’t do their jobs. It’s more people than you think. Some days I think the whole of London is stacked neck-high with nothing but blue-suited oxygen thieves jockeying for position near to an open wallet. They are the kind of un-flushable turd that simply reappears in a new position without having done what they were supposed to do in the last one. And that brings me nicely to these twats.

There has been something amusing about The Telegraph’s 20 year-long suicidal strangle-wank into obscurity. But now there is something dangerously wrong with those spunk-puffins and all the female-friendly lifestyle supplements in the World can’t hide it.

They did once serve a purpose. Good sports section; couple of crosswords; brilliant cartoonist; oh yes, and a letters page where middle-England could do indignation bukakke when anyone mentioned closing Grammar Schools. But when the fuck did they slip into the void left when The Sun stopped handing out free colouring pencils?

Do I have to be associated with this omni-directional spunk mortar? If I believe in the free market, the rights of the individual, small Government and the rule of law, does it automatically make me one of these shit-heads? Because yesterday they went too far.

These fucktards appointed themselves Block Captain for the right wing militia and did a 2 page, full colour, witch-hunt special. On page 4 there was a cut-out-and-keep Nazi arm band and directions to where you can shove your better judgement.

Apparently the “thoughts and prayers” that went to the family and friends of Jo Cox didn’t include a single fucking one about not turning individuals into scapegoats on a political, and real, knife-edge.

But just ask yourself a few questions. Who the fuck works there now? Why the fuck? And, do you think anyone would fucking own up to it if they did?

There are times when you wonder if the Tories and their rags could display worse judgement if they tried. Well it seems they are trying.

Sweet Jesus make it stop, you fucking bellends!

 

Universal Credit is a ticking time bomb for a homelessness crisis

“Now call me old fashioned but if you gave a smack head £500 for the month, are you completely certain he’s going to prioritise rent and bills first? Because I think he’d have a massive fucking party.”

I’m no luddite. If change is genuinely beneficial then go for your life, but the Tories haven’t got a fucking clue, unless they have and are just more evil you could ever have imagined.

I’m not even going to get down to brass tacks. I honestly don’t know if people will be better or worse off in the long run, but knowing these nefarious bastards I can’t envisage new claimants celebrating with a bottle of chateauneuf du pape.

The implementation of it is crueller than a 50’s Santa, except you don’t wake up to your satsuma on Christmas morning, you get it in March and it’s up to you to surprise yourself.

Let’s set aside for moment the fact that some people will have to endure six weeks without money whilst the old system changes to the new. Let’s ignore that food banks won’t pay a family’s fucking gas bill.

These changes will affect everyone on benefits, now don’t get me wrong, the vast majority of claimants are responsible and genuine people, but for every recently redundant job seeker there’s a Frank Gallagher, and for every disability claiment there’s a Rab C. Nesbitt.

Here lies the problem. People who’ve been in the system for years are used to getting their rent paid directly to their land lords and having a steady weekly or fortnightly income.

There’s a massive proportion of people with mental health issues or substance and alcohol dependencies who claim benefits who’ll be thrust into a brand new way of living, giving them full responsibility over their lives, in some cases for the first time and with no family around to help.

Now call me old fashioned but if you gave a smack head £500 for the month, are you completely certain he’s going to prioritise rent and bills first? Because I think he’d have a massive fucking party.

How can this be a good thing? The government are literally giving people enough rope to hang themselves with.

If you think we have a homelessness problem now, then go for a city centre walk in 12 months time, because no amount of council spending on one way tickets will fix this catastrofuck.

The Tories have turned our green and pleasant land into a shanty town filled third world country, and it’s only going to get worse.

 

Postman Pat’s career in tatters after Mrs. Goggins comes forward with sexual abuse claims

“He would nose me on the counter after we’d closed for the day”

The Daily Star reported yesterday that Mrs. Goggins has suffered for years at the hands of lovable Postie Patrick Clifton.

Clifton, or Postman Pat as he’s better known, has for decades portrayed himself as an upstanding member of the Greendale community, a loving husband, generous father, and an animal loving hard working pillar of the community.

All of that changed yesterday however, after his work colleague and confidant of years, Mrs. Goggins, shockingly exposed him as being an ‘agressive lecherous animal’ behind closed doors.

“He was sick.” She said.

“He’d stand outside stroking Jess as we locked up for the night being all smiley and chatty with the punters, but as soon as we were indoors all of that changed, he’d throw her to the ground and kick her across the room before demanding a cup of tea from me and calling me a bitch. He was a real Jekyll and Hyde character.”

Mrs. Goggins was inspired to speak out in the wake of the recently Hollywood sex scsndam and also alleges;

“He was a pervert. It started years ago with him pinching my bum. He said it was just for a laugh but I knew then it was plain wrong. After that it just esculated, in later years he would nose me on the counter after we’d closed for the day”

Greendale Police have launched an investigation. More to follow.

If this government were anymore transparent you could walk right through them

The government is falling apart quicker than an Ikea stool under the sheer weight of James Cordon and his massive ego. It’s collapsing like a pro Brexit argument faced with actual reality.

I’m all for clarity and openess but this lot are taking the piss now. They’re over sharing more than a fucking depressed American who’s just been asked how she’s doing.

I miss the good old days. Real bonefide scandals. I miss front page Daily Star articles about disgraced ministers caught with 4 grams of cocaine, dressed in women’s underwear, and being shat on by street hookers whilst sucking off a dwarf.

Now it’s like they don’t even want to be in power anymore. I can’t for the life of me think why?

Listing every knee touch, crafty wank and odd fetish from you’re cabinet over the last forty years probably isn’t the best course of action when you don’t have a fucking clue what’s happening right now.

The government is falling apart quicker than an Ikea stool under the sheer weight of James Cordon and his massive ego. It’s collapsing like a pro Brexit argument faced with actual reality.

Boris has had his foot in his mouth so much lately that he’s spitting out fucking corn plasters.

Priti’s had more secret meetings than a fucking Hollywood Producer with his lawyers.

Half the cabinet have quit or are about to because they’re too ‘handsy’, and Brexit negotiations are going at the pace of a tortoise with a broken fucking leg.

Step down Theresa or call an election for Christ’s sake. This isn’t strong and stable leadership, this is a fucking farce.

You and your government are a national embarrassment, you’re about as useful as tracing paper in a shitter.