Cheer up put your face straight and go for a walk

People are always full of wisdom when it comes to debilitating illnesses they’ve never had. It’s like I always say to my neighbour who suffers from chronic emphysema;

“Have you tried Benylin?”

People are always full of wisdom when it comes to debilitating illnesses they’ve never had. It’s like I always say to my neighbour who suffers from chronic emphysema;

“Have you tried Benylin?”

Obviously I don’t. I don’t even have a neighbour with emphysema, or one I’d even fucking talk to for that matter, but if I did, I wouldn’t, because I’m not a gormless cunt.

Depression is like that tiny nagging voice of doubt you sometimes hear has rented out a sound stage in your skull, and has become a permenant resident DJ.

All you can hear is “what’s the point?”, “you’re not good enough”, “you’re going to fail so no point in bothering again eh?” It’s your voice but it sounds like fucking Chris Evans is taunting you.

Your vision becomes tunnelled and you’re stranded in the dark. Literally the only thing you look forward to is sleep, and after all the sleep you could possibly need and more, you’re still more knackered than a Ryan Air relief pilot.

To someone who’s never experienced depression it’s difficult for me to explain and even more difficult for you to comprehend. It’s like Diane Abbot and basic maths.

You can’t snap out of it or pull yourself together. You can’t think positive when all of your thoughts are clouded with utter despair and desperation, and it can’t be fixed by a pretty picture of fucking trees with a nice quote on it.

So shut the fuck, keep your ill informed opinions to yourselves and leave us the fuck alone.

Thank God all those armed people prevented the biggest shooting in American history

“50 people dead and 200 injured! This is what happens when you mix heavy weaponry with fucking Country music.”

When will the US learn that selling fucking guns in supermarkets is a shit idea? They’re easier to procure than a bag of smack in Salford for fuck’s sake.

“Can I buy a sub machine gun?”

“Jeez I dunno. You gowna kill anyone?”

“Nah, probably just hunt deer and shit”

“That’s good enough for me. Sign your X here”

50 people dead and 200 injured! This is what happens when you mix heavy weaponry with fucking Country music.

Can you imagine if us Brits carried guns? All that stiff upper lip, passive aggressive shit would go straight out of the window quicker than a kid in a Children’s ward on a Jimmy Savile fund raising day.

“Of course you can go in front of me. You only have beans and I’m not in a rush at all”

BOOM

The NRA bumming Trump fucking rednecks will always defend people carrying guns by saying good people with guns will kill the bad ones before they do any damage.

Well I’m sorry but no one get that fucking memo in Vegas?

Mogg being anti abortion is like Bernard Matthews declaring he’s a vegetarian

“He admitted to Morgan that he was anti abortion, even in the case of incestual rape. Which is funny because I heard Kalashnikov was vehemently against gun crime.”

The multi-millionaire MP for 1846 and living Walter the Softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, recently told Piers Morgan that he’s ‘pro life’, which is twat speak for anti choice. I’m surprised the fucking universe didn’t implode with the sheer gravitational cunt power generated from the two massive egos colliding.

It has since transpired that Mogg profits from the sale of abortion pills, with his company having nearly £5 million worth of shares in Kalbe Farma, an Indonesian firm which produces the pills to prevent ulcers, but are also known to trigger terminations.

The animated ventrilquist’s doll admitted to Morgan that he was anti abortion, even in the case of incestual rape. Which is funny because I heard Kalashnikov was vehemently against gun crime.

Defending himself Mogg said; “It would be wrong to pretend that I like it but the world is not always what you want it to be.”

Well I for one whole heartedly agree with the P G Wodehouse escapee. The world isn’t how I’d want it to be either. For example, I’d like walking top hatted exclamation marks who masquerade as conviction politicians to actually back up their principles with actions.

How dare you preach the teachings of an obsolete religion to millions of morning TV viewers whilst doing the complete opposite on a massive scale, you arrogant smirking fuck faced hypocrite.

Tory voters can delude themselves all they like that Mogg is different to the others, but it’s just a another example of the same old Tory bull shit. Profit before people, even if it shits all over their core values.

It’s satire not ‘fake news’

“Here’s a helpful guide; If it’s bizarre or funny and you’ve never heard of the news site it’s been shared from, then it’s probably a fucking gag you thick cunt.”

I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing about fake news, alt-facts and post truths. You know what an alternative fact is? Not a fucking fact.

In the good old days, about three weeks ago, a post truth was called a fucking lie. It’s worrying that this alt-language has grabbed such a hold, and is ironically being perpetuated by a mainstream media who are the biggest fucking perpetrators of fake news. Yet they have the audacity to give you fucking ‘helpful guides’ on how to spot it.

Here’s a helpful guide; If it’s bizarre or funny and you’ve never heard of the news site it’s been shared from, then it’s probably a fucking gag you thick fucking cunt.

If you read it in a news paper or saw it on the TV then it’s state propaganda from fucking Kim Jong May.

The powers that be are scared that you might put down your copy of the Daily Mail for a second and get distracted by something online that might affect how you vote. You know, like a fucking meme about homelessness doubling since the tories came to power.

They’re petrified that your tiny little minds might pull that statistic up when you’re at the booth. Floating to the top of an ocean of fucking strong and stables.

Some of my favourite sites are being branded as fake news and people are being warned to be ‘cautious’ of them. Absolute bollocks!

What is now branded as fake news used to be called satire back when we had brains and didn’t steal all of our terminology from a fucking orange wizen faced perma tanned cunt.

Pages like The Rochdale Herald, NewsThump, The Onion and SNN unashamedly present their articles as real news when shared over a social media platform, but dig a little deeper and go to their home pages, and most will tell you they are in fact satirical, you know, incase you’re slower than fucking Diane Abbot adding 5 and 7.

Satire provides a valuable public service and us Brits are masters of the art. Good satire should question authority, hold a mirror up to society, challenge your opinions and even make you piss your pants laughing. Spitting Image wasn’t branded as fake, neither was The Day To Day, Brass Eye, Rory Bremner or The Thick of It.

So, embrace ‘the fake news’, share it, laugh at it and discuss it. Earth isn’t a nice place at the moment as we all hurtle back to the 1930’s.

Your government wants to spy on you, it wants to divide you by making you despise each other and it wants you to be submissive and not to question it.

Challenge the ignorant. Rip the Daily Mail from their hate filled fists and explain why it’s bollocks. Tell them the X-Factor is fucking shite and there’s a tonne of real music by talented people out there. Tell them it’s not ok to not care about politics or the news and that all the benefits programmes on Channel 5 are not an accurate reflection of fucking society.

Stay awake, wake others and fight the good fight.

Fuckity bye.