Hopkins

“You’re a Vulcan headed bile injected venom spitting arse tag, and a raised eye browed disdain dealing spunk chinned dick head divider.”

Katie Hopkins, glancing your contorted hate filled donkey scrotum of a face as I flick through 50 channels of shit is akin to finding a fucking lump on my bollocks, both unwelcome and terrifying.

You’re a Vulcan headed bile injected venom spitting arse tag, and a raised eye browed disdain dealing spunk chinned dick head divider.

You don’t just court controversy do you Hatie? you marry it, abort its fucking children then smear the remnants over the pages of The Daily Mail before shitting on it and calling it a fucking article, you Pez dispenser of bollocks.

You’re vermin. The lowest of the low. You deal in human misery and self righteousness. You’re an oxygen thief and a waste of space. A pantomime villain. You make my teeth itch you fucking parody of yourself . Fuck you

The Nazis were not lefty socialists you thick fucking cunts

“Listen you backwards Trump rimming Farage sucking cunt sacks, I’m going to èxplain a few things…”

Did the alt right have a fucking alt education? It appears that being racist not only means that you have atrocious spelling and shit grammar, but that you also failed fucking GCSE history, and yes, I’m ultra aware that I’m treading on very thin ice with this post, and that some clever cunt will no doubt list all of my typos and fuck ups immediately in the comments. It’s a a gamble I’m willing to take.

Ok. Listen you backwards Trump rimming Farage sucking cunt sacks, I’m going to èxplain a few things. Without sounding too much like Uncle Albert, during the war, the left and the right were a little more extreme than they are now. Almost.

In fact, they were all massive cunts murdering millions of their own. By the end, the only thing that differed was a smart uniform. Ok, it was a little worse for the people on the left as they were more hungry than fucking Eric Pickles at breakfast time, and therefore resorted to eating each other.

To be fair, if you weren’t black, Jewish, gay or a bit miffed with that Hitler fella, you generally had an alright standard of living at the height of the Reich, until they got bombed to fuck, raped, divided and bankrupted that is. Are you learning anything yet? Extreme = Bad.

Yes, the Nazis were called The National Socialist German Workers Party. That doesn’t mean they were socialists. Sometimes it doesn’t do what it says on the fucking tin.

The Nazis were incredibly clever in the early days, before they got higher than Whitney Housten in a bath. They were masters of proganda and imagery. It’s no accident their uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss, and so their name was picked to appeal to both nationalists (people who don’t kneel for an anthem) and socialists (people who think you should check in on your 90 year old neighbour and not to rob her gold).

The Nazis were hard line far right Fascists who despised anything or anyone that stood in the way of their perfect Aryan vision for Germany.

This isn’t fucking news. What I don’t understand is why cunts who sieg heil, in democratic countries, in fucking 2017, always come back with “But the Nazis were socialists!” As their only comeback when you call them out on it.

Listen you daft twats. You want to be a Nazi but you believe the Nazis were the lefties who you despise? Yeah. Great argument. It makes about as much sense covfefe.

Alex Jones is a pig eyed fuck headed shit John Ritter lookalike

“Stop spreading your warped rhetoric of dick head fodder around like fucking cyber AIDS to your millions of lotobotomised fuck witted followers.”

The fat obnoxious tin foil hat model and part time One Show presenter, who believes Sandy Hook was a hoax and that babies are all Communist spies (probably) has now set his sights, excuse the pun, on the Las Vegas massacre.

He’s covered all the bases with his bat shit crazy rationalising obviously, by blaming everyone from anti fascists celebrating the 100 year anniversary of the Russian Revolution, to a dark network of government operatives out to get Trump.

No you thick cunt. Stop looking for meaning where there is non like me reading back through last night’s drunken texts. There is no conspiracy. It wasn’t islamic radicalisation, it wasn’t anti Trump protesters or particularly violent Liberals.

Stop spreading your warped rhetoric of dick head fodder around like fucking cyber AIDS to your millions of lotobotomised fuck witted followers.

It was a terrorist attack carried out by a rich white male in a country full guns, division and fucking country music. Why is that harder to grasp than admitting you have a Second Amendment problem? There’s more shoot ups over there then behind my local Aldi on a Friday night.

Some pictures emerge of the hotel room and suddenly everyone is a fucking Crime Scene Investigator.

“Oh there’s a note on the table and the police haven’t mentioned it so it must be a cover up.”

Well A) you can’t read the fucking ‘note’ and B) Just because the police don’t release every bit of evidence to the public domain doesn’t mean they’re hiding shit. It’s an on going investigation. If there was an accomplice it’s probably wise to not let the cunt know what you do.

 

Boris Johnson seen clutching Voodoo doll at May speech

Boris Johnson seen clutching Voodoo doll at May speech

After an excruciating and calamitous speech in which Theresa May croaked like Bruce Forsyth, dropped an ‘E’ and was handed her P45, one would assume she’d just been unlucky, like a disabled person under a Tory government. Or anyone else under a Tory government.

However, just moments into the speech, the bumbling blonde haired walking disaster area, Micheal Fabricant, said that as he looked over towards Boris Johnson “he was laughing maniacally and clutching a mini Theresa May doll”.

Another eye witness reported that everytime Mr. Johnston stuck a pin in the doll, Theresa May would cough or “chat shit”.

It has not been confirmed yet, but there were also rumours going around that Mr. Johnson paid comedian Lee Nelson with a solid gold antique monocle outside the venue just before the speech, and that he was also seen “pulling a fishing line” at another point later in the speech.

 

May’s speech demonstrates how she’ll deliver Brexit – A coughing spluttering omni fuck up of cringe inducing farce

“Throughout her speech, the letters on the wall behind her magically dissapeared like a dossier on paedophile MP’s. A comedian handed her a fake P45, and she coughed and spluttered more than a Fiesta with a fucked engine.”

As Theresa May skipped across the stage with all the carefree gayety of a naughty 11 year old wheat runner, her mind was no doubt playing 8mm video of a crowd cheering as she apologised for the election result, took that BoJo cunt down a peg or two, and demanded the unity of her loyal and admiring party.

The imaginary 8mm film soon got trapped in the projector though and went up in smoke quicker than Council cladding, along with her hopes and dreams as she took to the podium of doom like Susan Boyle in a Miss. World contest.

Throughout her speech, the letters on the wall behind her magically dissapeared like a dossier on paedophile MP’s. A comedian handed her a fake P45, and she coughed and spluttered more than a Fiesta with a fucked engine.

To say it was a disaster is putting it mildly. If I were the kind of guy who lived off avocado and coconut oil, thought vaccines were the work of the devil, and shopped at Holland and Barret, I’d be checking Boris’s rucksack for a fucking voodoo doll and book of spells.

This is exactly how she’ll deliver the 20lb turd that is Brexit. From the wrong hole, without anaesthetic or gas and air, and with no cunt holding her hand.

Tories appoint Night King as Secretary of Reanimation to increase vote share

Tories appoint Night King as Secretary of Reanimation to increase vote share

People are living longer, despite efforts from the Conservatives to kick them out of hospital beds, or fucking freeze them to death.

However, the last election result gave May et el a wake up call in the form of them just scraping a win, with help of course from the ultra Right Wing DUP for a billion pounds they found down the back of the sofa.

The cause? Well, unfortunately for Jeremy Corbyn in wasn’t him, despite him celebrating a victory like a 4 year old on sports day with a Participation trophy, after coming 7th in the egg and spoon race for the last few months.

It was in fact death. Did you know that 50 of the 52% of the Brexit majority have already passed away, taking with them a massive share of Tory voters?

Well this is where the new plan comes in. A spokescunt at the Conservative conference said;

“We’re excited about our new appointment of The Night King. We predict that by him being able to reanimate the dead that our vote share will increase by 12,000% overnight.”

 

10 Facts About Conservative Voters

3. Tories are convinced eggs give you AIDS.

1. Like normal people they love to tuck into a full English breakfast with all the trimmings, but did you know they actually prefer their bacon alive and fuckable?

2. Conservatives voters are convinced that anything can be attained through sheer hard work and determination. Barry Brown, a working class Tory from Hove died of a broken heart at the age of 65. He was a road sweeper all of his life and worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. He died skint.

3. Tories are convinced eggs give you AIDS.

4. Before Conservatives are eligible to vote, they must swear allegiance to a commemorative Margaret Thatcher postage stamp in the company of a Church of England Vicar, who must then smear the blood of a live yet critically injured fox onto their foreheads, in a ceremony dating back to 2003.

5. Tories are incapable of retaining the price of a loaf of bread.

6. Conservative babies are born without tear ducts and require corrective surgery at the age of 57.

7. They have webbed feet. In a cubourd under the stairs.

8. They are banned from having decent haircuts but can spend ‘infinite amounts’ on cosmetic surgery, although non have ever done it.

9. They are masters of disguise, often hiding in plain site. They will actively slag off the Prime Minister to you before cheerfully going out and voting for her.

10. They fucking love a good list. The stupid fucking cunts.

I was going to buy a homeless guy a sandwich but I forgot my camera

“He’s completely unaware that you’re raking in thousands of pounds in advertising revenue and chucking him a few fucking crumbs off the table.”

What happened to doing a good turn just for the hell of it? Just to feel that warm glow inside, like the one Iain Duncan Smith used to get every time someone got fucking sanctioned.

Everyone these days wants a fucking pat on the back. Validation for nothing.

“So we gave this homeless guy 20 bucks, some new shoes and a Big Mac Meal. His reaction will melt your heart.”

No it fucking won’t pal. Your blatant exploitation of the poor cunt will melt my fucking brain. Fuck that, it will make my blood boil. I hate this shit. I hate what we’ve become and I hate where we’re heading.

You’ve got three million followers all gawping at him crying over what he perceives to be a random of kindness, someone treating him like a human being for once.

He’s completely unaware that you’re raking in thousands of pounds in advertising revenue and chucking him a few fucking crumbs off the table.

Look. If you want to help an old lady cross the road, do it. If you want to buy a homeless guy a sandwich then do it! YouTube channel or not though, try and refrain from posting an update on Facebook about your little adventure afterwards, because no one is impressed. They just think you’re a glory seeking cunt.

Help people because you want to. Not because you want to show off how fucking nice you are. If you do a kind act with no recognition then you should just feel good by making someone else feel good.

Thank fuck that shooter didn’t kneel for the National Anthem

Thank fuck that shooter didn’t kneel for the National Anthem

Can you imagine the Twitter storm caused by Tornado Trump if that gun toting cunt had disrespected a piece of material as well as commiting the worse atrocity on US soil in recent history?

Sure, murdering 50 people and injuring countless others is bad enough, but by fuck don’t try and peacefully protest. That’s lower than an NRA members IQ.

It puts things into perspective a little doesn’t it you orange pug mouthed cunt? You can rant for hours and hours about sports personalities kneeling, especially if they’re black ones.

But how long will you condemn this terrorist, sorry, lone unhinged wolf for before proclaiming that some of these murderers are good people who are just a little misunderstood ?

What action will take you take on this back of this? How many more people will be slain on your streets before you realise that everyone carrying a weapon is fucking shit idea?

Oh hang on, look at that Muslim over there. He didn’t salute the flag. He’s not a real patriot. Ban all Muslims! Forget about the lone nutter and the thousands of others just like him. The real threat is over there. Quick! Look over there.

Mocking disabled people is wrong so let’s all watch The Undatables

“Badge it up however you like but it’s just an excuse to laugh at poetry man, who inexplicably appears in every fucking series like Miranda Hart in Miranda.”

Some would argue that this modern day televised Bedlam is about hope and people finding happiness. I say bullshit.

Badge it up however you like but it’s just an excuse to laugh at poetry man, who inexplicably appears in every fucking series like Miranda Hart in Miranda. Or to gaffaw at some poor Tourettes suffer who repeatedly calls a potential mate ‘cunt’ like me ironically with my ex.

Be honest. You don’t want to see wedding bells. You want to see two people struggling to converse in a ‘normal’ every day manner.

Talking awkwardly instead about their fucking spoon collection, whilst being narrated over by a patronising cunt in the tone of a first year primary school teacher, attempting to set the set the scene by failing to explain advanced physics to her scared new 4 year old pupils.

Don’t watch it. I stopped when I realised it’s not entertainment, just fucking lazy exploitative shit.

We already have enough poor porn on TV to keep Iain Duncan Smith wanking for a life time. Let’s not add this crap to the mix.