You only celebrate Halloween because Walmart bought out Asda

“If you went trick or treating 15 years ago you were called a cheeky twat and given a hand full of fuck off copper. Now we’re expected to have more sweets than Gary Glitter’s glove box ready for these little bastards…”

Like everything we import from America, from obesity to over sharing, we’ve gone too far. The only plus about our new found Halloween obsession is that it puts people off celebrating fucking Christmas for another fortnight, I’ll take dancing skeletons and cackling witches any day over Noddy fucking Holder.

You can’t move now for this shit now. There’s more orange vegetables in our super market aisles than there were on US Presidential campaign posters last year. You can buy literally anything.

When I was a kid before we were all binary tri sexual vegans, you had two dress up choices. Boy: black bin bag, vampire teeth, and or shit mask from the corner shop. Girl: black bin bag, glow in the dark witch fingers and shit hat from the corner shop. Super markets sold fuck all back then, they were above all that. You couldn’t even get pumpkin soup let alone fake blood.

If you went trick or treating 15 years ago you were called a cheeky twat and given a hand full of fuck off copper. Now we’re expected to have more sweets than Gary Glitter’s glove box ready for the little bastards for two weeks before the fucking day. I can tell you, it’s a fucking chore injecting all those Haribos with Cyanide.

Even the yanks don’t celebrate this shit for a month. It’s time we fucked it off and started celebrating bonfire night properly again. Guy Fawkes needs updating though and there’s no lack of inspiration for effigies I’d happily burn in the current climate.

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