Kevin Spacey coming out as gay is like Peter Sutcliffe saying he’s a vegan

“I’ve never liked Kevin Spacey. He looks like the after picture in a cosmetic surgery ad after Robert Lindsay’s before shot. A little more taught and defined but still wearing that same smug expression you’d never tire of twatting with a crowbar.”

I’ve never liked Kevin Spacey. He looks like the after picture in a cosmetic surgery ad after Robert Lindsay’s before shot. A little more taught and defined but still wearing that same smug expression you’d never tire of twatting with a crowbar.

He’s only capable of playing one character; prick. He’s more wooden than a Victorian dildo and has less dimensions than a shit Rick and Morty episode.

Coming out as gay does not excuse accusations of him being a nonce, which he apologised for if it did happen, because he doesn’t remember, because he was pissed, which is also not an excuse for being a nonce.

Gary Glitter probably says he’s straight but he fucks little girls. He was probably pissed on a few of those occasions too so I suppose it’s excusable then?

Is it fuck you oily grim featured walking jowl. What kind of fucking defence is that? It’s like Peter Sutcliffe coming out as fucking vegan. It means nothing. It makes about as much sense as a spilled bowl of alphabeti spaghetti you smug monotone cunt.

 

Top 10 Tips For Surviving Halloween

5. Pound shops usually have fantastic deals on sweets. Stay in one till 8pm and you’ll miss the little cunts knocking on your door.

1. Stock up on sweets and treats really early so they’re off by Halloween and the children get really ill.

2. Open the door dressed as Jimmy Savile with Gary Glitter songs playing in the background to deter parents.

3. Demand a trick then spend the next 10 minutes lambasting the kids for it being so utterly fucking shit.

4. Inject toffees with cyanide in advance.

5. Pound shops usually have fantastic deals on sweets. Stay in one till 8pm and you’ll miss the little cunts knocking on your door.

6. In your best elderly person voice keep shouting “help, I’ve fallen over” everytime you hear a knock at the door. That will give them a fucking scary.

7. Tell them it’s retro night. Give them each 2p and call them cheeky little twats.

8. Follow them home and knock on their door as soon as they get in.

9. Look really confused, keep prodding the youngest trick or treater of the group and telling the rest it’s a shit Guy, and that it’s not even bonfire night yet.

10. Go out for the night.

Robots now have more rights than women in Saudi Arabia

“And now she’s been given full citizenship, that’s like giving an OBE to a Hoover or Knighting a fucking kettle.”

Meet Sophia, she’s basically a fucking scary looking boss eyed toaster, only she can’t warm bread. She’s fucking Theresa May with a personality.

Sophia is at the forefront of artificial intelligence, after a GNVQ of course. She’s like an anti fucking sex robot. All the nagging and non of the shagging.

She can answer questions and even engage strangers in conversation, which is more than what most women are allowed to do in Saudi Arabia.

And now she’s been given full citizenship, that’s like giving an OBE to a Hoover or Knighting a fucking kettle. What’s the fucking point?

It must be disheartening for the poor women over there, watching a pretend unveiled woman talking to a massive audience about how nice it is to have more rights than an actual fucking person.

It’s like being mocked by a fucking iron or roasted by a Corby trouser press. It’s a fucking piss take.

 

 

Knobheads to watch knobhead watching knobheads

Knobheads to watch knobhead watching knobheads

Whilst May and co negotiate Brexit by not attending the meetings, refusing to pay the bill, or give anyone any rights, Jeremy Corbyn is going to appear on TV to watch knobheads whilst being watched by millions of knobheads, the knob-head.

Yes, the leader of the opposition can afford to dick about whilst the Tories fuck the country like Harvey Weinstein with an extra, and he’s now going to appear on Channel 4’s Gogglebox.

It will be the first time in history that so many knobheads have watched another Jeremy other than misery merchant Kyle and that candy floss headed cunt Clarkson.

It’s not yet known what Corbyn will be watching, but there’s a 95% chance that it will just be people slagging him off or slagging the people off who he’s trying to represent, interspersed with him looking really serious and saying things like “fairer”, “trains”, “many” and “tut”. Probably

Obese man horrified to learn waists aren’t measured under the gut

“I used to to brag about my pants being the same size as our tele, but that cunt at the tailors said it’s actually 62 inches. That’s bigger than a fucking cinema.”

Trevor Tompkins was mortified last week after getting a suit fitting for the upcoming wedding of his best friend Michael Watkins.

“I couldn’t believe it, I’m 23 stone and I’ve always had a 42 inch waist for as long as I can remember” he said.

“I used to to brag about my pants being the same size as our tele, but that cunt at the tailors said it’s actually 62 inches. That’s bigger than a fucking cinema.”

Mr. Tompkins’ wife Marlene said; “He’s a right fat bastard. He thought he was ok because he could still buy his trousers from the supermarket and not the big and tall shop.”

She continued; “I fucking told the daft twat he was wearing them wrong but he always said he’d look like an 80 year old if belted up under his tits.”

Mr. Tompkins has now vowed to lose weight after Christmas, as he earns extra income being Santa at his local BHS in December.

Who needs The Walking Dead when we’ve got Benefits by the Sea?

“Poor porn used to mean a grainy VHS. Now it’s about getting angry at Janice and her 56 kids that YOU’RE paying for…”

Why watch a multi million dollar episode of a TV programme about zombies when we can all laugh at real smack heads at a cost of 10p and a can of Breakers?

Fuck you Rick and your morbid band of survivors. What threat are stragglers in make-up compared to a UK government hell bent on the destruction of the welfare state, sanctioning our most vulnerable people for shits and giggles?

We could get irate and call them out on their human rights abuses, but why would we when can just throw things at scroungers on the tele courtesy of Channel 5?

Poor porn used to mean a grainy VHS. Now it’s about getting angry at Janice and her 56 kids that YOU’RE paying for, because obviously everyone who needs a little help is just like fucking Janice, because you saw it on the tele and read about in the Mail.

We’re bombarded with this shit. You can’t turn on the TV without someone getting evicted or gloating about having never worked whilst smoking a spliff. The producers must scour the country for the worst kind of cunt, either that or they just wait outside the Jeremy Kyle studio.

The trouble is it works! How dare these scrounging fuckers own a 200 quid 40″ plasma in 2017! They should eat dirt and live in ditch if I have to work 40 hours a week!

It’s fee propaganda from the free media in a free country against slaves of the system, and it makes me fucking sick.

Get angry and turn it off. They only make this shite because it’s fucking cheaper than an Alan Carr autobiography a month after being published and people keep watching it.

 

Stop putting cacti in your vagina

Immediately

No. Here’s a fucking thought, stop telling women what they can and can’t shove up their clunge.

Pages like The Independent and The Metro seem to have an unhealthy obsession with cunts like Brexiters with Katie Hopkins, or dick heads with Bono.

The same publications spend a lot of time defending feminism and women’s rights, whilst simultaneously advising them against massaging fucking Vick’s vapour rub into their sumps, which cheapens all that empowerment shite by suggesting they’re all thick as fuck.

Women need to be told not to stick a cucumber up their fanny as much as men need to be told they shouldn’t fuck gravel or masturbate with napalm. Again.

So what are the lessons to be learned? Don’t use Original Source Mint shower gel on your private parts, stop telling people what not to put on their sex organs and don’t insert anything into a Katie Hopkins. Theyre a literally patronising cunts.

 

 

Toblerone now more expensive than crack cocaine

Gram for gram Toblerone is now more expensive than crack cocaine with a street value of £9.85 per triangle, or half a Freddo bar.

The awkward chocolate bar and shit make shift dildo has gradually rocketed in price since the thick half of Britain decided that 1895 was a cracking year.

Once the treat of the elite, right up there with Viscount and Ferrero Rocher, the crap toast rack soon became accessible to the common man, often spotted in pound shops, but in the last few months the price has escalated quicker than Nigel Farage in a golden lift.

Gram for gram Toblerone is now more expensive than crack cocaine with a street value of £9.85 per triangle, or half a Freddo bar.

Baz Chocolar, who’s real name we’ve obscured because he doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s called Terry Smith said;

“I’m known as the Pharoah because I deal in pyramids innit. Most people buy a Q (a quarter of a triangle) and grate it into hot chocolate as a treat because it’s so expensive.”

We asked Hot Chocolate to comment but he didn’t because he’s dead.

 

You only celebrate Halloween because Walmart bought out Asda

“If you went trick or treating 15 years ago you were called a cheeky twat and given a hand full of fuck off copper. Now we’re expected to have more sweets than Gary Glitter’s glove box ready for these little bastards…”

Like everything we import from America, from obesity to over sharing, we’ve gone too far. The only plus about our new found Halloween obsession is that it puts people off celebrating fucking Christmas for another fortnight, I’ll take dancing skeletons and cackling witches any day over Noddy fucking Holder.

You can’t move now for this shit now. There’s more orange vegetables in our super market aisles than there were on US Presidential campaign posters last year. You can buy literally anything.

When I was a kid before we were all binary tri sexual vegans, you had two dress up choices. Boy: black bin bag, vampire teeth, and or shit mask from the corner shop. Girl: black bin bag, glow in the dark witch fingers and shit hat from the corner shop. Super markets sold fuck all back then, they were above all that. You couldn’t even get pumpkin soup let alone fake blood.

If you went trick or treating 15 years ago you were called a cheeky twat and given a hand full of fuck off copper. Now we’re expected to have more sweets than Gary Glitter’s glove box ready for the little bastards for two weeks before the fucking day. I can tell you, it’s a fucking chore injecting all those Haribos with Cyanide.

Even the yanks don’t celebrate this shit for a month. It’s time we fucked it off and started celebrating bonfire night properly again. Guy Fawkes needs updating though and there’s no lack of inspiration for effigies I’d happily burn in the current climate.

Universal Credit is a ticking homelessness time bomb

“Now call me old fashioned but if you gave a smack head £500 for the month, are you completely certain he’s going to prioritise rent and bills first? Because I think he’d have a massive fucking party.”

I’m no luddite. If change is genuinely beneficial then go for your life, but the Tories haven’t got a fucking clue, unless they have and are just more evil you could ever have imagined.

I’m not even going to get down to brass tacks. I honestly don’t know if people will be better or worse off in the long run, but knowing these nefarious bastards I can’t envisage new claimants celebrating with a bottle of chateauneuf du pape.

The implementation of it is crueller than a 50’s Santa, except you don’t wake up to your satsuma on Christmas morning, you get it in March and it’s up to you to surprise yourself.

Let’s set aside for moment the fact that some people will have to endure six weeks without money whilst the old system changes to the new. Let’s ignore that food banks won’t pay a family’s fucking gas bill.

These changes will affect everyone on benefits, now don’t get me wrong, the vast majority of claimants are responsible and genuine people, but for every recently redundant job seeker there’s a Frank Gallagher, and for every disability claiment there’s a Rab C. Nesbitt.

Here lies the problem. People who’ve been in the system for years are used to getting their rent paid directly to their land lords and having a steady weekly or fortnightly income.

There’s a massive proportion of people with mental health issues or substance and alcohol dependencies who claim benefits who’ll be thrust into a brand new way of living, giving them full responsibility over their lives, in some cases for the first time and with no family around to help.

Now call me old fashioned but if you gave a smack head £500 for the month, are you completely certain he’s going to prioritise rent and bills first? Because I think he’d have a massive fucking party.

How can this be a good thing? The government are literally giving people enough rope to hang themselves with.

If you think we have a homelessness problem now, then go for a city centre walk in 12 months time, because no amount of council spending on one way tickets will fix this catastrofuck.

The Tories have turned our green and pleasant land into a shanty town filled third world country, and it’s only going to get worse.