Stop lumping us older millenials in with the entitled younger ones

“We’ve experienced the joys of playing out, going on bike rides or staying up to watch Friday night comedy at our nan’s house for a treat. We’ve de-winged daddy long legs because there was bugger all else to do for fuck sake. We were the last actual kids.”

Millennial is a pretty broad term for describing a whole generation. It covers everything from life weary thirty somethings like me, to spotty little cunts who see more daylight than a fucking vampire.

I’m not saying older millenials are better than anyone else or even that we have had it harder for that matter. In terms of education, inheritance and housing then yes, we’ve been fucked more times than Katie Price before a book launch, but in comparison to the young men and women around in 1914, we’re pretty fucking privileged.

My dad’s generation had the last of the real men. And no, I don’t mean that wandering handed misogynists who took cues from On The Busses cliché. I mean hard working, make do and mend giants amongst today’s blokes. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good that guys can talk, express love and occasionally fucking cry but we’ve lost a certain grit and determination.

Example: The other day I watched my 66 year old dad spend 3 hours finding something called a ‘front hub’ from a scrap yard, then changing it on my car at his house because mine had something called a “fucked wheel bearing”. I watched him struggle in awe like he used to do when I programmed the VCR for him. I felt 10 years old again. Making him brews and finding spanners. I felt less manly than Louis Spence. Impotant. Dejected. I felt fucking shit.

My generation have led different lives to the younger millenials though. We’ve experienced the joys of playing out, going on bike rides or staying up to watch Friday night comedy at our nan’s house for a treat. We’ve de-winged daddy long legs because there was bugger all else to do for fuck sake. We were the last actual kids.

We’re from a time when our uncles were unashamedly racist, when TV shows were on the verge of being, and we’ve seen the world around us change for the better and then eventually go too far.

The younger ones were born with fucking iPads in their hands. They’re scared of actual conversation and terrified of debate. They are coddled and they do need a safe space. They’ve only ever known this new Orwellian world through, and they’re fucked.

So. Pease stop comparing us. We’re not the same.

 

We used to help people standing on bridges but now we goad them into jumping

We used to help people standing on bridges but now we goad them into jump

We’ve hit rock bottom as a society. We’re more devolved than fucking Scotland after a paddy, and it’s all because of the thing you’re reading this shite on. The ironically named smart phone, a device invented to enhance all of our lives and to make the acquisition of knowledge instant.

At least that was the idea. In reality two things the smart phone does absolutely guarantee are bad necks and fucking masturbation on the go. Quite fitting really, when you consider that its turned us all into fucking callous, socially inept wankers. Steve Jobs isn’t spinning in his grave. I’d know if he were because there’d be some cunt filming it.

We walk around, ear buds in, with our slack jawed faces lit up like fucking Queen in the Bohemian Rhapsody video, paying no attention to our environment like some sort of fucking techno zombies from a dystopian future turned real;

“Grandad, why didn’t you protest the government burning all the poor people?”

“Because I was tending virtual sheep Johnny, on my virtual farm, like an actual fucking dick head.”

The collective consciousness has deteriorated so much now that we’re like the Borg with fucking learning difficulties. On social media and in actual reality, we’ve been reduced to a vicious pack of mentally stunted morons, who attack anything they don’t understand, like the fucking English Defense League.

I say we of course, but most of us are silently watching on in horror as no one gets that Barry Gibb joke on Twitter, or everyone on your friends list shares an obviously fake news story about a baby surviving a fire two weeks after it happened. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking depressing.

People used to help each other in trouble. Now they just film it, separating themselves from the horror unfolding in front of them by viewing it through a 5″ screen. Recenty people have even filmed other people getting raped for fuck sake. What is wrong with the world?

And when did we allow our children to be bullied online? When we were bullied the bully was fucking there, in front of us! For Christ’s sake teach your kids to leave the virtual room, close the lid on the laptop or even close down the social media account. Boom. Problem solved. No more fucking bullying. We need to teach them that non of this shit here is important. Non of it.

Remember this though. When it does all get too much for you, when you’ve lost all hope in civilisation and you’re standing on that ledge ready to jump, take a deep breath and smile, because as you hurtle to your death, the last thing you’ll see are hundreds of goading, gawping cunts, filming it all on their smart phones.

BoJo is a scruffy isosceleyed walking aftermath

“He’s a shaved shit haired albino ape. A fucking human hangover. He’s a Two Fat Ladies secret love child, the fucking blonde haired Eton Mess.”

Is he going for a leadership bid? Does he want to get sacked? Is he going to resign? These are just three of the many questions that no one gives a fuck what the answer is.

He doesn’t fucking care! Think of it this way. If he isn’t an in Parliament tomorrow, he’s not going to be worrying about getting fucking sanctioned in a fortnight.

One thing is certain though. Like anyone with half a brain, he probably wants as little to do with the impending cluster fuck that is Brexit.

“Oh, you want to drive the Reliant Robin with the shit Union Flag paint job, the fucked engine and no breaks into Hades Treeza? Be my guest. Here’s the fucking keys.”

The only thing bigger than the £350 million sum that BoJo insists on repeating more than Only Fools and Horses on Gold is his own fucking ego.

He’s a shaved shit haired albino ape. A fucking human hangover. He’s a Two Fat Ladies secret love child, the fucking blonde haired Eton Mess.

He’s a lie spitting bollocks tornado, chaos personified. A fucking tubby unhinged makeupless clown who no one laughs at anymore. He’s a suited unkempt hyper cunt, the fucking walking demic.

Paul Goulding is a piece of shit

“Cheers for ‘protecting’ Britain by the way. Harassing innocent Muslims in their place of worship makes me feel really safe at night, you chubby fucking balloon faced fleece model.”

“You ain’t no Muslim bruv” became immortalised words not so long ago when uttered to a nutter on the Tube. Well you aint no Christian you fucking fat rabble rousing cunt.

You and Jayda Fransen are like a shit racist Bonnie and Clyde tribute act, only you don’t use guns. You just hijack pictures of soldiers, and paste faux ‘patriotic’ statements over them so that our fucking grannys, who’ve been on online for exactly 3.5 seconds unwittingly share your vile Britain First page, spreading it hate fucking cyber AIDS and carrying your racist rhetoric with it like an abandoned copy of The Daily Mail on a train.

Using images of actual patriots though, real British heroes who’ve faught for Queen and country. Thats fucking lower than you’re IQ. Especially considering that the only thing you fight is online arguments, poorly, you fat ginger twat.

Cheers for ‘protecting’ Britain by the way. Harassing innocent Muslims in their place of worship makes me feel really safe at night, you chubby fucking balloon faced fleece model.

In fact you were doing that just the other week weren’t you? Harassing Muslims, whilst other Muslims, along with everyone else in the tight knit community surrounding Grenfell Tower banded together to help survivors and their families with food, warmth and love. The very things you want to tear apart like a fucking Subway wrapper.

You and your kind won’t win here. When will that sink in?  Your brand of thick as pig shit fascism ALWAYS collapses in the UK, like one of your deck chairs you fucking red faced, whiskey cheeked, pre diabetic cunt.

 

World runs out of fucks to give after tyrancunt threatens rocket cock for millionth time

“Leaders used to treat the Kim Jong dynasty like the nutter on a bus. Granted he would shout random threats every now and again, which could be pretty scary, but after two miles you realised that if you didn’t make contact and ignored him, he was pretty fucking harmless.”

How can the impending mutually assured destruction of everything we hold dear become so fucking boring?

We’re all going die in the most horrific way. Your fucking fillings will melt before you’re vaporised, and worst of all, you’ll never find out what happened to the Night King.

Are we fucking away our final days in an orgy that would make the 60’s blush? Telling our bosses to do one before smashing up our laptops and looting B&M’s?

Are we fuck. We’re watching Dr. Foster on catch up and just eye rolling about it all like someone having a fit, or tutting like a ukipper at a market.

“Have you heard what that cunts gone and said now?”

“Which one? That psychopathic meglomanic or Kim Jong Un?”

“Trump. He’s threatened to destroy North Korea!”

“Didn’t he do that yesterday?”

“Yeah”

It’s boring. Normalised. We’re sick of it. It’s fucking duller than an episode of Flog It! Until it’s not, that is. You see, we’re all repeating our comfort statements; “they’re both mental”, “It’s all bluster”, “neither of them will actually do anything”, there’s safe guards.”

There were safe guards once! Leaders used to treat the Kim Jong dynasty like the nutter on a bus. Granted he would shout random threats every now and again, which could be pretty scary, but after two miles you realised that if you didn’t make contact and ignored him, he was pretty fucking harmless.

The trouble now is that there’s two nutters on the bus and they’re pretty fucking close to the steering wheel, they’re making eye contact, and they’re definitely not ignoring each other.

Piers Morgan blanked Jeremy Corbyn by speaking in fluent cunt

“Listen. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of a million celebrities flicking through the pages of their old GCSE Spanish text books, or cunt deterrents as they’re soon to be rebranded.”

Ok, it was the other way around. Corbyn snubbed that toe faced cunt Morgan by speaking in fluent Spanish. Who knew it was that simple to perplex a twat?

Listen. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of a million celebrities flicking through the pages of their old GCSE Spanish text books, or cunt deterrents as they’re soon to be rebranded. All of them swatting up just so they don’t have to engage that male fucking Hopkins in conversation again.

Go on Jezza! Just when everyone thought you were about as funny as an episode of Miranda which she doesn’t fall over in, you go and pull that blinder out of the bag like an excited dealer with a new batch of E’s.

I’d have loved to have witnessed the expression change on that anchor eyed motor mouthed turbo bollocks preacher, as he sat impotantly and tried to decipher your Spanish bants.

Well played Jezza, well played my son.

Ben Affleck To Play Every Leaver In Upcoming Brexit Movie As They’re All Insufferable Cunts

“I won’t be watching The Brexit Movie. Why watch Titanic when you were actually on it as it crashed into the fucking iceberg?”

If Brexit had a face, it would be a punchable one like Ben Affleck’s. The face of a thousand ruined films. The face of a million crushed dreams.

As Boris clings onto the £350 million NHS lie like Theresa May is to power, and we’ve taken back control by adopting all European laws into our own, it’s fast becoming clear that Brexit was a bit of shit idea, even to those Farage worshipping cunts who read The Daily Express like a fucking bible.

I won’t be watching The Brexit Movie. Why watch Titanic when you were actually on it as it crashed into the fucking iceberg?

Yes, if Brexit were a person it would have the face of Ben Affleck, the voice of Joe Swash and the fucking moves of Louis Spence.

He’d be called Trevor. He’d have boundless energy, chew with his mouth wide open and he’d stand too fucking close. His breath would stink of ciggerettes and despair and he’d drink too much.

Trevor would turn up to family gatherings uninvited and make inappropriate jokes about the Asian neighbours. He’d stare at your neice a little too long and he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the traffic on the M1.

 

This Wouldn’t Have Happened If They’d have Gone to Waitrose

“Whichever deranged God bummer is behind this latest ‘attack’ should hang his fucking head in shame. It was pathetic, so bad in fact that ISIS won’t even claim responsibility for it. Fucking terrorism? I’ve seen wilder BBQ’s.”

Whichever deranged God bummer is behind this latest ‘attack’ should hang his fucking head in shame. It was pathetic, so bad in fact that ISIS won’t even claim responsibility for it. Fucking terrorism? I’ve seen wilder BBQ’s.

No 72 virgins for you, you cheap skate cunt. I mean, if you’re going to buy a bomb dont get it from fucking Lidl! You didn’t even hang around to top yourself you cowardly twat. You’re a fucking embarrassment.

I mean, you could’ve of a least gone to Asda. Not Smart Price obviously, you’d have ended up with a fucking T light. Always go for the Extra Special range when it comes to explosives.

And before you all start pointing out that I’m jumping to conclusions about it A) being a bloke and B) a radical Islamist extremist, I don’t give a fuck. I’m going off probability and the likelihood of it being a devout atheist is slimmer than Jacob Rees-Mogg’s thigh.

If I’m wrong, I’ll admit it. Stop being outraged for the sake of it you daft cunts. I’m just trying to make light of a shit situation. The kind of situation that is becoming painfully prominent. Thank fuck this cunt was shit at it.

I’m not belittling the victims. Not for one second, but we need to mock, ridicule and laugh at these deranged fuck headed cunt wombles, otherwise they win. It’s important.

 

Contracting AIDS Is Uplifting Because The Nurses Are Really Nice

“I always worry when Rees-Mogg opens his Victorian bile slit to verbally spunk out offense like Katie Hopkins for a couple of grand and a raised eye brow shot of her mangled munter face on the cover of a dick head’s shit rag.”

I always worry when Rees-Mogg opens his Victorian bile slit to verbally spunk out offense like Katie Hopkins for a couple of grand and a raised eye brow shot of her mangled munter face on the cover of a dick head’s shit rag.

It usually means that the Tories are planning something else that would make Darth Vader proud and are simply using Mogg as a distraction, like setting fire to a paper bag filled with shit outside the public’s front door, before knocking and running away.

Granted, Mogg’s controversy is more refined than Hatie’s kick you in clunge, shock fuelled bollocks pellets, in fact it almost comes across as nice.

I tell you what isn’t nice. Missing your bus and the government punishing you for it by withdrawing your safety net, so that you can’t feed your fucking kids.

Contrary to Mogg’s out of touch musings, I don’t think even the thickest of the electorate’s huddled masses would relish at the thought of visiting a food bank, to get a mixed bag of Smart Price pasta and tinned fucking peaches because they heard ‘about them places that give you that free food an’ that’.

Free McDonald’s? Too fucking right. Free Frey Bentos? Fuck getting on the Number 52 in the rain for that shit. Fuck that right off.

As Job Centre sanctions increase, so does food bank usage. Is there a correlation I wonder? Nah, it’s just greedy Jeremy Kyle fodder isn’t it Mogg?

He is right about one thing. The Great British public stepping up when the government point blank refuse, because in spite of all the rolling Channel 5 and tabloid propaganda painting all benefit claimants as pure scum, we’re really not too keen on the idea of starving kids.

Your Great Grand Kids Will Know You Were A Prick

“Your great grand kids won’t have grainy photos of you. They’ll see you as the prick you were in glorious 4k video. They’ll see your stupid fucking digitally manipulated faces, with your daft fucking pout and Bambi ears, or whatever the fuck they are.”

We know nothing of the long dead in our own families, apart from anecdotes and the odd grainy picture.

Yes, your great grandfather looked smart in his army uniform, but how do you know he wasn’t a chronic bore, or a fucking booze addled weekend tranny?

We think we know the past but we don’t. We know history from old news reels. A history from the point of view of the victors. Winston Churchill is the epitome of the British stiff upper lip right? Remember that magnificent speech?

Yeah. Remember that. Let’s not talk about the millions of fucking Indians he starved to death. That would just make GCSE history a bit fucking morbid wouldn’t it?

Your great grand kids won’t have grainy photos of you. They’ll see you as the prick you were in glorious 4k video. They’ll see your stupid fucking digitally manipulated faces, with your daft fucking pout and Bambi ears, or whatever the fuck they are.

They’ll know you tried to impress the superficial acquaintances you regarded as friends with pictures of your fucking dinner in fancy restaurants.

They’ll know you bored every cunt with your gym updates, dietry intake and fucking mapped runs.

But most importantly they’ll know you were a shallow egocentric narcissistic cunt,who valued the acquisition of objects over the environment you lived in, and even your own loved ones.

If you wonder what it was like 100 years ago you have to do exactly that. Wonder. Imagine. Fill in the gaps.

But with YouTube, Facebook and Instagram, there’s millions of terabytes of data and it’s here to stay forever.

In 500 years people will know that America elected fucking Trump. Not from a page in a history book of zero substance. They’ll actually see the orange cunt and wonder what the fuck happened.

They’ll know how we dressed, what we ate, how we spoke and what we watched and listened to. Imagine that? Imagine watching YouTube clips of the fucking Tudors in history class. That’s a head fuck.

This could change our whole future as a species though. Think about it. If we’ve not blown ourselves to bits by then, for the first time in the history of mankind, we might actually learn from our mistakes.

Never again will someone like Trump be elected. No more wars, famines, or fucking crocs. This could be the next stage of evolution.