Who’s going to tell Darth Trader what to do now this shit Palpatine has gone?

“He’s got so much oil on his face that I’m surprised the US hasn’t invaded it and installed a fucking proxy government.”

Steve Bannon looks like the guy on the front cover of a leaflet about the dangers of fucking diabetes the fat cunt. He’s got so much oil on his face that I’m surprised the US hasn’t invaded it and installed a fucking proxy government.

He looks like the result of 30 years of hard drinking and a drop at birth, the fucking poor man’s Goebbels. Like a shit ventriloquist who can’t talk properly without moving his lips, and Trump is the clackety old dummy that’s past it’s best.

What’s that senile old bigot going to do without you now? Who’s going to tell the twat that adressing the nation in his fucking KKK pyjamas might be a step too far?

It must be strange being an anti establishment ex banker. Isn’t that like being an anti doughnut cop? You used to be a director didn’t you Steve? You couldn’t direct your own piss into the fucking toilet bowl, you fucking backwards hick rousing bible bashing cunt.

You did well campaigning though. Credit where it’s due. I mean, convincing a load of poor lobotomised racists that health insurance is good, simply by rebranding free health care to ‘black president health’ was a stroke of fucking genius. Even for you, you death complexioned minority worrier.

Fuckity bye.

Don’t be too disheartened if you didn’t get the grades you needed today

“You might be super artistic and intelligent, but not academic. That’s ok. You might just be thick as fuck and that’s ok too.”

You’ve opened your envelope and you’ve done shite. Everyone else is buzzing around like bees on crack and every channel is showing you grinning A* twats. Fuck ’em. This may be the first time life has taken a massive dump on you but it certainly won’t be the last.

Don’t beat yourself up. Shit happens. Sit them again or do something else. You might be super artistic and intelligent, but not academic. That’s ok. You might just be thick as fuck and that’s ok too. We can’t all be Doctors. Someone needs to keep the place clean and if you don’t think that’s just as important then ask someone with an MRSA infection.

The point I’m making is that life is just starting out for you and there’s endless opportunities, Christ, you could your A Levels at 45 if you so wanted to.

I dropped out of college (twice) and never went to Uni and luck at mee now! Im well gud with grammer an shit and Ive got a Facebook page an everyfin.

You’re expected to know the path in front of you now. You’re supposed to have a dream and follow it, prepare for it and ready yourself for it.

We’re not all like that though. How the fuck can you know what’s going to make you happy for the next 40 years at your age? I struggle deciding what he have for fucking tea. I’m 32 and I still don’t have a clue what I want to be when I grow up!

Whatever you do make sure it’s going to make you happy. That’s the important bit. Fuck cash, little boxes on the on the hill side and fucking designer gear. If you’re not happy then all that crap is basically going to turn you into a walking-talking advert.

So. Stop panicking and do what you will. If it turns out shit then do something else. Good luck. Now, off you fuck.

 

Katie Hopkins is a hoof wanking thunder cunt

“You’re a Vulcan headed bile injected venom spitting arse tag, and a raised eye browed disdain dealing spunk chinned dick head divider.”

atie Hopkins, glancing your contorted hate filled donkey scrotum of a face as I flick through 50 channels of shite is akin to finding a fucking lump on my bollocks, both unwelcome and terrifying.

You’re a Vulcan headed bile injected venom spitting arse tag, and a raised eye browed disdain dealing spunk chinned dick head divider.

You don’t just court controversy do you Hatie? you marry it, abort its fucking children then smear the remnants over the pages of The Daily Mail before shitting on it and calling it a fucking article, you Pez dispenser of bollocks.

You’re vermin. The lowest of the low. You deal in human misery and self righteousness. You’re an oxygen thief and a waste of space. A pantomime villain. You’re a fucking parody of yourself . Fuck you.

Jeremy Kyle is a patronising cunt

“You’re a modern day circus Ring Master, a shouty patronising misery exploiter. You fucking wide eyed bewilderment gurner.”

You’re better than your guests aren’t you? You tell them so everyday. You’re a regular moral Mickey aren’t you, you condescending cunt. Well fucking done, you must be really special to be better than an obese unemployed sister shagging toothless smack head, you smarm oozing fuck trudger.

You’re a modern day circus Ring Master, a shouty patronising misery exploiter. You fucking wide eyed bewilderment gurner.

You’ve never seen anything as bad as this in your life have you? A man freshly out of prison, who’s robbed his disabled mother’s silver pendant and is now on trial in front of a jury comprised of millions of unemployed, half witted ITV watching mongs.

Nothing as bad as this, apart from three times a day on your own fucking show. Yet you’re still shocked to core aren’t you? You’re fucking outraged. Even though your producers regularly go on scum expeditions around the roughest council estates in the UK, harvesting beyond help down and outs, the vulnerable and the mentally fucking ill, so that you can put them up in a hotel, before mercilessly ripping the shit out of them and lecturing them about what sub human scum they are. It’s a fair trade isn’t it?

You’re a one man clap clinic, a walking fucking Job Centre, a skewed faced fuck eyed vitriol spitter, you cunt.

You give up don’t you? About three times an episode whilst shrugging you’re shoulders and dropping your dick dead cards. Then you get angry and shout “Be quiet!” to the people you’ve just watched arguing for five solid minutes, whilst pouring petrol on the flames. Then you remind everyone that your name is in big on the wall and that it’s your show and that you’re the best.

You’re a pain compiling cunt enabling wry smiler, a fuck headed bile bellower, you fucking twat faced pity eschewing compassion denier.

Fuck the fuck off you pointless prick.

Hunt furious to learn his 44k bathroom doesn’t include a golden shower

He should’ve said! I’d have pissed on the cunt for free.

£22 billion in NHS cuts and that smirking shite hawk squanders two nurses salaries on a fucking power shower and a bog with a built in arse cleaner?

Surely it would’ve been cheaper to just bend over and ask Boris why he hates fucking Scousers if he wanted a good anal spraying.

It’s even got a fucking vanity mirror so the cunt can see what a tosser looks like, straight after selling a hospital or two off to fucking Richard Branson and sending a few hundred nurses down the food bank.

He’s a fucking grinning Tory bullshit deflecter. A privatising slick haired doctor betrayer, a fucking nurse starving hospital halving insurance salesman.

He’s selling off the NHS faster than Morrisons sells fucking sausage rolls with reduced stickers on them. “Oh buy one hospital get two free say? I’ll have ten.”

Still, at least he can wash the stench of poverty off now after a hard morning commute.

 

The Alternative to Right is Wrong

“Fascism and hatred is being normalised and you fuckers are getting offended by meat products in fivers and if you’re allowed to be gender fluid or not.”

I fucking warned you this would happen America, if you chose to vote for that cretinous senile old cunt.

What did you expect from a man who won his campaign on a platform of nationalism, division and hate with Nurembourg style rallies straight out of Hitler’s playbook? Rallies where he actually incited violence against protesters. Rallies where he branded a full country rapists.

He’s even called the media ‘fake news’. The third reich did that too. They called it ‘lugenpresse’ or ‘lying press’. They didn’t say ‘America First’ though. Oh no, they said ‘Germany First’. As you can see it’s completely fucking different, like an iPhone 6 and iPhone 6s.

You reap what you sow I’m afraid and you’ve reaped a potential civil war and imminent nuclear war. Well fucking done you fat brain dead fucks. Go and celebrate by obese dipping in a fucking coal polluted river.

Don’t you find it strange that you’ve got toothless bald tattooed cunts walking around with fucking mosquito repellents, seig heiling and shouting racial slurs whilst being actively protected by black cops?

Isn’t it odd that when one of these pricks drives a car into innocent people it’s not terrorism but just a regular crime? Where’s the condemnation? Where’s the fucking outrage? If it was a fat bird on Twitter being body shamed you’d all be up in arms.

The right is rising quicker than an ex chancellors coke debt both overseas and here. Fascism and hatred is being normalised and you fuckers are getting offended by meat products in fivers and if you’re allowed to be gender fluid or not.

We’re more of an embarrassment to our grand parents that the alt right is to real fucking Nazis. You know, those organised and mountrous killing machines fuelled by meth and hate, not fucking fat red necks fuelled by Bud Light and the rhetoric of a pussy grabbing Oompa Loompah.

Nigel Farage had the audacity to condemn Nazi salutes in America

“Is the toad faced chain smoking Pole provoker serious? That’s like Vanessa Feltz condemning fucking biscuits.”

Is the toad faced chain smoking Pole provoker serious? That’s like Vanessa Feltz condemning fucking biscuits.

This from a man who replicated a fucking Nazi propaganda poster to bolster his unnoficial leave campaign, which, from what I can gather, rested solely on the premise that Polish people are to blame for fucking traffic jams.

Cunts like him and that fuck browed skeletal mess Hopkins, are exactly the reason we grandchildren of soldiers who faught the fucking Nazis seig heiling with Swastika tattoos in the first place.

He’s a neighbour hating leave debating serial resigner, a shifty eyed oily skinned spunk brained twat nadger. A president rimming controversy spinning orange admirer. A wank handed arse faced fuck headed bile bottler, and fucking stringless Thunderbird puppet. Fuck the fuck off you hypocritical shit.

Fixed Odds Betting Terminals are a cancer on society

“Long story short I got my act together. Certain circumstances forced me to and an inner strength I always had but hadn’t realised prevailed. Than fuck!”

I never was a gambler. I bought the odd scratch card of course, regularly paid my idiot tax with dreams of winning 5 grand just like the next cunt. Sometimes I even won a pound so I could swap it for another fucking misery token.

Then came the day that ruined my life. As a manic depressive with a so far pretty fucking dire existence, I’ve got a very addictive personality. If it gives me any form of pleasure I’ll eat, drink, smoke or snort it. I’ve got more vices than a fucking B&Q warehouse.

I digress, I was in my local about four years ago drinking away my pain with a couple of mates. One said “let’s go for a spin.” I was so naive back then where gambling was concerned. I wish I still was.

“A spin” involved us each putting £20 into a pot and wandering over to the nearest resting den of damned. A one stop shop for the terminally self loathing dregs of society, banging illuminated screens and cursing them, when in actual fact they were cursing their own inability to retain a modicum of self control. This was hell on earth and unbeknown to me, I’d soon be one of those dregs.

We won! Not huge but enough to entice. Our combined £60 meant we left with a healthy £260 each. £200 profit for standing in front of a machine, pressing numbers and waiting for a virtual wheel to spin. Piece of piss. Or so I thought.

Twenty minutes later we were back. I laughed at my mates as they each squandered their cash. They were mugs and I was clever. Bored, I put a tenner in the fourth machine, the other three were occupied by my friends and an angry drunk. There’s only four allowed in each shop. Each can take £80,000 a hour since Gordon Brown relaxed betting laws to make way for a super casino which never transpired.

I won! Another £250. Piece of piss! I lent my friends money so we could carry on drinking. I was smug and they were losers.

That week I went back every night and every night I won, until I didn’t.

A tenner here, fifty quid there. It added up quicker than the Trump border wall cost. I was fucked. Each pay day I fed my hard earned cash into a virtual roulette machine quicker than an ex PM fucking a pig at an initiation ceremony.

I got more payday loans than UKIP in an election campaign. I was living in my dad’s spare room and every ‘night out’ resulted in 1 pint, a five mile walk home and me contemplating throwing myself off the nearest railway bridge.

Long story short I got my act together. Certain circumstances forced me to and an inner strength I always had but hadn’t realised prevailed. Than fuck!

Occasionally I crumble. I go back to square one and revert to form, and each time I do I fall into a dark cloud of depression. This shit never leaves you.

Most aren’t so stong. Most with this affliction spend every day of their tortuous lives cramped up in these high street prison cells, desperately trying to ‘win big’ and set themselves free. That never happens of course because they give it all back to book maker.

It’s a disease and it’s ruining lives and our towns.

Cameron’s Legacy

“He has achieved more in 6 short years than Thatcher could’ve dreamed of, and if Joseph Goebbels was a 10th as successful as David Cameron we’d be 70 years into the 1000 year Reich.”

David Cameron’s legacy reaches far beyond breaking the UK by letting an ill informed plebiscite (both sides) tear us away from the EU in a campaign that at times was reminiscent of a Nuremberg rally. His policies have made the lives of hundreds of thousands of the poorest and most vulnerable members of our society an absolute misery.

Policies like allowing glorified temp workers with zero medical knowledge to deem disabled people fit for work over ruling the opinions of actual doctors. Policies like punishing families on the bread line by with holding their entitlement for weeks on end for petty things like being five minutes late to a job centre appointment. Policies that have resulted in people dying in work or committing suicide all overseen by the loathsome Ian Duncan Smith, or IDS for short.

Under Cameron’s regime homelessness doubled and food banks, now common place, are kept going by the kindness of the good old British public stepping up when our government won’t. Why do they even exist in the 5th richest economy in the world?

Cameron and the Tories have got record numbers of people in work though which is at least one good thing. Until you tally up the figures with zero hour contracts or forced labour through illegal policy that is. They’ve also slowly eroded your rights to the point where you think that them reading your sexts seems perfectly acceptable and even reasonable, after all “if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear”.

As well as making the richest richer and poorest poorer they’ve sold large chunks of the NHS and continue to do so. They sold the post office after it finally started making a profit and they’ve priced our bright young things out of an education. They’ve also betrayed the very people that care for us when we’re ill.

Throughout his reign he and his Murdoch mouthpiece have managed to split the country, possibly to a point beyond repair. They’ve pitted; English against Scots,
Workers against the unemployed,
The middle class against the working class,
The old against the young, Brits against Europeans, and remainers against leavers.

And they’ve done it all with your buy in. They’ve done it all to protect you for the greater good, to repair the economy and they did it all in vain. The national debt has increased and they’ve borrowed more than all previous Labour governments combined. The really sad thing though is that they’ve got you believing that wanting a fairer society is now a toxic lunatic ideology.

Greed caused these ills, the corrupt banking system, the super rich and the elite caused all of this. They caused the global financial crisis but they’ve got people blaming immigrants. Cameron’s greatest achievement though was Brexit. He got people to vote for an unelected PM, more cuts, more tax, another Tory government and a non existent opposition to scrutinise them when we no longer have the safety net of Europe. But better yet he actually made them think they’d rebelled and broke the system.

He has achieved more in 6 short years than Thatcher could’ve dreamed of, and if Joseph Goebbels was a 10th as successful as David Cameron we’d be 70 years into the 1000 year Reich.

Good riddance.

We’re all going to die and we deserve it

“That reactionary Twitter happy fumble cunt has made a threat. A threat he now needs to make good when the shit hits the fan. He’s poked the wasps nest and now we’re all going to get stung.”

Far right politics has been spreading faster than Jimmy Savile rumours in a children’s hospital in the 80s these last few years. Toe faced tossers and hawk browed fuckers like Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins are now mainstream. We’ve normalised being a cunt.

It’s like the 70’s all over again but devoid of the crap attempts at veiling the inherent racism with shit stereotype gags. Back then people blacked up and ate curry to portray a Muslim. Now we’re just told they’re all paedophiles and terrorists.

We’ve become selfish and isolated, pointing the finger of blame at everyone but ourselves, like Nigel Farage staying up past his bedtime.

And where has it got us? We have a 1000 year Tory Reich, because in the age of zero hour contracts people are still fucking stupid enough to believe that if they shovel shit harder than anyone else, you know, REALLY ‘work hard and get on’. That they’ll one day earn 80 grand year, and when that day comes they’re not going to give their hard earned cash to some beardy do gooder, so he can squander it on fucking meals for kids.

It also lead to Brexit. The biggest mess since John McCririck had a fucking vindaloo, but worse of all it lead to Trump and because of him we’re all going to die, and we fucking deserve it.

He’s not a President, he’s a privileged geriatric hyper cunt who knows how to rally dick heads. He’s no statesman either, if he were he’d have done what all his predecessors did and ignored the Kim Jong dynasty for the peripheral nutters that they were.

Not Trump though. That reactionary Twitter happy fumble cunt has made a threat. A threat he now needs to make good when the shit hits the fan. He’s poked the wasps nest and now we’re all going to get stung.

Still, we can celebrate being truly free of Europe after its been fucking vaporized eh? Well, for five minutes anyway, before we follow suit.