Stop being offended you little bitch

“You have to respect my views as a celibate tri sexual veganised water worshipper.”

The Independent went through a phase of showing women in knickers with fucking period stains because it’s ‘natural’ and ’empowering’. I didn’t like it and said so, but then people got offended at my apparent offense. I wasn’t offended, I just don’t want so see that shite when I’m eating my fucking corn flakes.

Am I wrong? Sometimes I get a bit too pissed and do a wet fart. Would you like to see me posing in my shite stained kex on your news feed? Why the fuck not? It’s perfectly natural you sexist cunt.

Everyone is outraged these days. There will people who read ‘fucking’ in the first sentence of this post and will be so outraged that instead of scrolling past, they’ll write in the comments that I’m an uneducated fool who should have his mouth washed out, usually with lots of spelling mistakes and no punctuation. You have my permission to call these people cunts. What’s washing my mouth out going to? This has been fucking typed.

It’s like we’ve all been infected with the Mary Whitehouse strain of the little bitch virus. “You have to respect my views as a celibate tri sexual veganised water worshipper.”

No. We fucking don’t. I’m an atheist. I have zero respect for any religion, but I’ll defend anyone’s right to believe what they want. I’m not offended that you believe in God, so don’t be offended that I don’t. I don’t respect religion but I do respect people who believe in it.

It’s about balance, you can disbelieve without purposely trying to be offensive and if you do that, then it is given, not needlessly taken. In that respect you have a right to be offended.

The worse people are the ones who get outraged or offended on behalf of someone else. “Dr. Dre said then N word! As a middle class white man from Kent I’m deeply offended by this on behalf of my black American brothers.” No you’re not. Shut the fuck up cunt.

 

Get twatted everyday because you’ll be working ’til you drop

“68 though! That’s double the life expectancy of your average fucking Scot.”

Like a 6th former telling a maths teacher to fuck off on the last day of term, the government has just pissed 6 million people off by telling them they’ll be working until they’re 68, if they’re not shitting into a bag by then. Saying that they’ll probably get dumped in a field an employed as fucking mobile fertilisers.

I like how they did that by the way, just before going off on their summer holidays. Nonchalantly dropping the bomb like a clueless Trump, then retreating to the fucking Winchester and waiting for this whole thing to blow over. Not that I care, I’ll be fucking well dead before I’m 68.

68 though! That’s double the life expectancy of your average fucking Scot. Everything will be done by robots by then anyway. How many fucking Asda Greeters can there be in a country of this size?

So, fuck it. Get wankered, throw caution to wind. You may as well die fucking young and happy, instead of wasting those precious years in which you’re supposed to turn racist and piss yourself grafting like a bastard.

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Corpse of Terry Wogan earning more than highest paid female BBC presenter

Corpse of Terry Wogan earning more than highest paid female BBC presenter

The BBC has been forced to admit the massive disparity in pay between its male and female ‘talent’.

Over paid public sector workers like nurses were furious to learn that Claudia Winkleman only earns £450,000, compared to that ginger dullard Chris Evans, who earns a meagre £2,200,000. Maybe if she opened her fucking eyes she might earn a bit more?

Joking and comparisons aside, obviously someone who wipes shitty arses and saves lives could never earn as much as someone capable of reading fucking moving words off a screen.

It’s no laughing matter though, the BBC’s revelations have just shone a fuck off spotlight on society as a whole. Who gives a fuck if the the next doctor is female?

It’s 2017 for Christ’s sake. We’re equal. Pay women what they’re fucking worth.

Stop throwing acid at people you fucking cunts

Why is this suddenly a thing? Has the word gone fucking nuts?

You must have to be a special kind of coward to ‘attack’ someone by throwing some liquid at them. That’s some tiny penis rooted, deeply psychological, self loathing for you right there.

How ugly do you have to be, both inside and out, to permanently disfigure someone, to change their lives forever, to rob them of their self confidence and potentially blind them in the process? All because you’re a jealous, insecure little prick.

All violence is wrong, obviously, but to literally melt someone’s face off then run away puts them on the same level as fucking sex offenders. They’re utter scum.

People who carry out these acts should marked for life. Branded on their faces so that everyone knows to steer well clear of the cowardly, brainless, cunts.

We should not live a society where bottles of Evian are feared for fuck sake, unless it’s about the price.

 

 

New Cyber Women to win every battle with superior organizational skills

New Cyber Women to win every battle with superior organizational skills

Throughout Doctor Who’s 50 year run, the menacing Cybermen were always easily thwarted by the protagonist by the end of the episode.

The show has recently seen an overhaul, with Jodie Whittaker replacing Peter Capaldi in the next series, to become the first ever female Doctor.

Complete with a Sonic lipstick and a TARDIS filled with scatter cushions, this won’t be the only big change that the show will see.

The new Cyber Women are not to be trifled with as the new Doctor will soon find out. Using their superior organizational skills, shear determination and a knack for reading The Doctor’s texts, they are destined to always be one step ahead and win every battle.

Jodie Whittaker is set for her introduction in the up coming Christmas special, and the episode will feature three incarnations of The Doctor. The next series is expected to be aired on the BBC next year.

 

Barry Scott started the Big Bang scientists claim

Barry Scott started the Big Bang scientists claim

After decades of study on the origins of the Big Bang, scientists have concluded that it was in fact started by Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang! TV advertising campaign.

The theory suggests that when Mr. Scott was banging some dirt in one of the recordings, some of the cleaning fluid fell into a miniature black hole and travelled back in time to jump start the whole of existance, billions of years ago.

“I couldn’t fucking believe it. I literally Cillited the fuck into everything. It’s fucking mental”

Said Mr. Scott, who is now a tree Surgeon in Hove.

I asked Cillit Bang for comment, but they told me to do one, as this is clearly a poorly conceived cry for attention.

Barry from Eastenders cast as next Wonder Woman

Barry from Eastenders cast as next Wonder Woman

Is the kind of stupid statement dick heads in pubs across the country will make tonight. No. It’s not the fucking same. The Doctor Is a fictional alien who can turn into anyone. He/she has more fucking faces than a Big Brother finalist. Turning female at some point was inevitable, and I won’t feel guilty about fancying the doctor anymore, like with Tenant.

Despite the faux outrage we’ve got to look forward to tomorrow in shit rags like the Mail and The Express, the next Bond won’t be called fucking Jemina and a black dwarf won’t be playing the Queen in the next biopic.

Things move on and change. It’s what makes us grow as a society, and let’s just be absolutely fuckin clear on this this. Doctor Who is kids tv show.

If you don’t like it watch one of the other twelve doctors from its 50 year run and stop whining like little prick.

 

 

Doctor Who rebrands as Nurse Who

Doctor Who rebrands as Nurse Who

In a shock announcement, Jodie Whittaker will be the first female to take on the mantle of Time Lord from Peter Capaldi in the shows 50 year history.

As the news broke, Jeremy Clarkson automatically turned into a vegan, Piers Morgan went on an equality march and Katie Hopkins felt an overwhelming urge to donate £10,000 to a refugee charity.

Up became down, left became right, the sun shone blue, the oceans boiled and Jeremy Corbyn burnt a fifty pound note in front of a homeless person.

Before the allotted time slot for tennis was even over the world literally started to implode. It raised many questions like; Are woman equal now? Will they fuck Bond over? Has the pay gap closed?

Luckily Phillip Hammond was hand to sort it all out by forcing the BBC to rebrand the popular show to Nurse Who. It would explain the difference in salary from that of a normal Time Lord and would ensure Jodie Whittaker wouldn’t crash the TARDIS by attempting to fly it.

Blair is the shit that won’t flush

“You look like a haunted faux leather handbag you fucking dead eyed deciever.”

We need to ‘rise up’ against Brexit says the man who ignored a million protesters. Fuck off! Borrow a Delorian and go back to ’97 when you had some respect and morals, you ironic former Middle East Peace Envoy.

You look like a haunted faux leather handbag you fucking dead eyed deciever. You ‘respect the will of the people’ and yet you think you can stop Brexit? You can’t, it’s done, we’ve fucked it. The fucking ham faced pig fancier saw to that.

Yes, some people may regret their decision, that’s what happens when they’re fed pellets of steaming hot bullshit. Remember? You fucking taut skinned psycho gazed irrelevance.

You’re a shadows, shadow of your former self. Internally you’re perpetually justifying your fuckery and convincing yourself you did the right thing. Externally, your cadaver lips slowly part to reveal your crooked teeth as your cheeks rise to meet your road map forehead. The cold piercing eyes never move though. This is your smile, it’s faker than Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

There’s nothing left is there? You’re a husk, a hologram, a shedded snake skin crudely pulled over a shit Blair statue carved by a manic depressive ex Labour supporter, you fucking vacant robot.

Treeza didn’t want to wear £1000 leather pants

“I’m sorry but how is she going to negotiate Brexit if someone can force a pair of trousers on her like some sick reverse rapist?”

An aide persuaded her into the fashion faux pas apparently. I’m sorry but how is she going to negotiate Brexit if someone can force a pair of trousers on her like some sick reverse rapist?

She alo reportedly shed a tear on election night. What happened? Did the fucking human effect, latex face mask malfunction? Don’t cry pet, you called the election. You should have been prepared for it blowing up in your face faster than a n****r in a woodpile remark.

It’s almost like she’s trying to appear normal. ‘Look at me, I cry and shit like commoners.’ But it won’t work. It’s too late, like a southern rail train, or Boris  going to literally any meeting.

The public have made their minds up. You’re unfit for purpose like cheap council flat cladding. Your days are numbered. Even if you persuade the electorate, the rest of your party are sharpening their knives. What’s it like to know how Jeremy Corbyn felt for two years?