The Purge: Election Year

“It’s all gone to his head quicker than a fucking Hopkins Tweet after a tragedy.”

Grandpa’s had enough! Those MP’s who thought they could stab him in the back with one hand and pat him on it with the other have learnt a valuable lesson. This yogurt knitting Kumbayer ain’t taking no shit no more.

For two years we’ve heard how he can’t lead or unite his party, and that was exactly right when it was packed to the rafters with more cunts than a fucking bailiff convention.

Surely the basics of party unity is to get behind the fucking leader? Well Jezza was always a soft touch wasn’t he? They could go on TV wearing a fucking ‘Corbyn is a cunt’ T-shirt and return to a hug from the poor forgiving bastard.

All that changed last night though. The last few weeks have made Corbyn more cock sure than Mick Jagger before he started decaying. It’s all gone to his head quicker than a fucking Hopkins Tweet after a tragedy. He’s walking around like he won for Christ’s sake. The cunt even played Glasto.

Last night though he’d had enough. No more piss taking. Those who defied him are gone, and from where I’m standing that can only be a good thing. There’s still plenty of scum to mop up, but soon he’ll have a fully united party and we’ll have a proper opposition.

He’s got more occupations than the fucking Job Centre

“The cunt has more exposure now than fucking Kim Kardashian’s glistening fat arse.”

That bollocks nosed, country fucking, wealth hoarder, George Osbourne, now has a 6th job as an honoury professor of economics at Manchester University. What’s he teaching? How not to run a fucking economy? Who’s taking maths, fucking Diane Abbot? What else is on offer, advanced driving with Peter Sutcliffe?

I’ve heard the term Jack of all trades, master of non, but that Ceaser haired punch puppet takes the fucking piss. When Treeza sacked him I thought I’d miss him, standing there grinning to flashes of the press cameras, with his fucking red box full of misery on budget day, but the cunt has more exposure now than fucking Kim Kardashian’s glistening fat arse.

I bet people are being sanctioned because of that greedy, slack faced, crack eyed, soundbite repeater stealing all the fucking jobs. The Job Centre now has more filled positions than fucking Katie Price. Well, apart from the three which have just come available in the Labour party. No cunt wants one of those though.

The fucking middle distance staring twat has more titles than a fucking library, you remember them don’t you? They were the big things filled with books that were all shut down during Emperor Osbourne’s reign.

Oh, sorry everyone, I’ve got to go. Apparently I’ve just been laid off and I’m being replaced by….. The magnificent former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Editor in Chief at the Evening Standard, Commander of the seven armies, high priest of the Church of St. Cameron, Professor, Doctor, Sir George Gideon Oliver Osbourne!

Tossers celebrate 10 years of iPhone

“What’s the difference between an iPhone 6 and an iPhone 6s? A fucking ‘s’ and 300 quid, you thick cunts.”

Unbelievably it’s been a decade since the iPhone revolutionised modern life, by combining all the items we used to carry around with us like phones, MP3 players and the fucking stocks market into one handy touch screen device.

It was good to start with don’t get me wrong, but soon HTC, Sony, Samsung and a multitude of other devices quickly caught up and shit all over It like the Tories on the poor.

Apple’s brand is stronger than the government in Theresa May’s head, there’s no denying that, but for the last few years it’s definitely been a case of style over subtance. After all, why have 64gb of storage, a 5″ screen and a 15 mega pixel camera for £300, when you can get a 3″ screen, 32gb of storage and a 3 mega pixel camera for £750, with a wee fucking picture of an Apple of on the back?

Ok, I’m exaggerating like Paul Nutall in a television interview but you get my point. Flash twats with too much money buy Apple. I just don’t get it, but I shop at Matalan so what the fuck do I know?

iPhone fans are the type of twats who think Pizza Express is a nice place for a meal. “Er, ‘scuse me cunt. I just paid 20 quid for a margherita, can I trouble you for some fucking cheese on it?”.

They pay their fucking contracts off 6 months early so they can queue outside a shop for three days to buy the fucking interim model, expecting it to be somehow different from what they’ve already got in their pocket. I’ll tell you what’s different. The new model won’t turn to shite after the next IOS update.

What’s the difference between an iPhone 6 and an iPhone 6s? A fucking ‘s’ and 300 quid, you thick cunts.

The Selfservatives Cheered After Punishing Our Fire Fighters

“The cunt club on the wrong side of the house roared with happiness like a psychopath watching a baby drown to death.”

Like a room full of fucking Klingons celebrating an honourable death, this room full of cling-ons cheered their dishonourable ‘victory’ over Britain’s life savers. Yes, after voting to keep the public sector pay cap at 1% for the 8th year running, ensuring more misery for our Police, Nurses and Fire Fighters, The cunt club on the wrong side of the house roared with happiness like a psychopath watching a baby drown to death.

I don’t know if the 1% figure is a subliminal ‘fuck you’ as only 1% of people seem to actually benefit from these out of touch, money obsessed, uncaring, vicious bastards, ruling over us like fucking Nazi caricatures.

How dare Treeza stand there after every fucking tragedy, with her realistic human flesh mask manually contorted into a concerned expression, and praise our emergency services like she actually gives the tiniest of fucks about them.

Yes the Police did do an amazing job. Yes the Fire Fighters were excellent. Yes our nurses are fantastic. These are just hollow words though if you treat them like fucking robots. Your actions speak louder than your pathetic lip service, you tired old DUP pumper.

If you voted for this, strong and stable, more of the same, then I challenge you to defend the Tories voting down these proposals in the comments section. I genuinely want to see how any if it can be defended or justified.

House of Cards? More like House of Cunts

“The Tories and their new paid fuck buddies just voted down Labour proposals to end the public sector pay cap, and to employ extra police and fire fighters by a majority of just 14 cunts.”

The Tories and their new paid fuck buddies just voted down Labour proposals to end the public sector pay cap, and to employ extra police and fire fighters by a majority of just 14 cunts.

Idiots handbook, The Daily Express lead with the headline ‘VICTORY FOR MAY: Corbyn humiliated as MPs reject Labour bid to scrap public sector pay cap’ as the news broke. Has Corbyn really been humiliated?

Because from where I’m sitting the only people who’ve been humiliated are our hard working front line service employees, who’ve been fucked harder than a decapitated pigs head at an Eton party for the last seven years.

The recent terror attacks and the Grenfell Tower tragedy are a screaming indictment that austerity isn’t fucking working. How can terrorists go on TV and talk freely about their extremist views and not be monitored before committing an act? What the fuck did we throw all our rights away for Treeza? So that the Food Standards Agency can see which porn sites we’ve visited?

Cut after cut and failure after failure. Tower blocks literally built to burn, the homeless spiced out of their heads for a break from their shit existence, the army drafted in because the police are working 16 hour shifts and nurses relying on fucking food banks.

Welcome to Great Britain in 2017. We’re a fucking third world country, an embarrassment. The Tories have systematically ruined it then sold it off piece by piece to the highest bidder, and now they’ve literally just voted to not even try and fix it.

Has the pot ran dry? Because they’ve just managed to find a billion pounds to cling onto power by being propped up by a dubious entity, that most of the UK were unaware of just three fucking weeks ago, yet they can’t find the cash to give our life safers a decent standard of living.

Everyone who stood in that chamber tonight and went through the wrong door, in our archaic voting system, should hang their fucking heads in shame. They’re disgusting, greedy, parasitic bastards.

 

People think the earth is flat in 2017

“These are the same pricks who avoid tap water, deny the holocaust, treat themselves with homeopathy and think that the next iPhone will have a new feature.”

Since the 15th century its been generally accepted that the earth is spherical, yet the the idea of it being flat refuses to die like Rolf Harris, or the socks and sandals combo. Yes, in 2017, as we regress as a species quicker than an AA member having ‘just the one’ in a pub, this idea lingers and grows like an American with a pocket full of free burger vouchers in a McDonald’s.

The Flat Earth Society is actually a thing, and ironically it has members all around the globe. Hundreds of thousands of thick as pig shit, lobotomised, brain dead cunts who value a YouTube clip of a prick with a spirit level on an aeroplane, over hundreds of years of research from the greatest minds on the planet.

These are the same pricks who avoid tap water, deny the holocaust, treat themselves with homeopathy and think that the next iPhone will have a new feature. They’re more deluded than one of those 18 stone grandmothers you read about, who meets a 23 year old body builder in a far away land, marries him, then sells her house and sends the proceeds to his family only to never see the cunt again.

What did we expect in this post truth, alt fact, fucking ‘who needs experts’ utopia that we’ve created for ourselves? I don’t subscribe to the echo chambers theory. I think there are lots of groups, yes, who stay in their own little bubbles. But then I think there’s a massive majority of us, like minded people, silent in our horror, with perminant hand marks on our faces. We’re brow beaten, world weary and absolutely sick to the back teeth of stupid fucking cunts.

Inject your kids you neglectful cunts

“You’re worse than those religious nuts who let their children die of cancer, whilst they wait impatiently for a non existent God to fix it like some cosmic Jimmy Savile, only he fucks it instead, like some cosmic Jimmy Savile.”

Laughter is not the best medicine, nor is prayer or doing fuck all for that matter. Vaccination does not cause autism and even if it did, is that worse than dying of fucking measles contracted from a fucking birthday party you simple twats?

“Enjoy your jelly and ice cream Keanu because that’s your lot. See them spots on your face? That means you’re going to see Grandma soon up in heaven because mummy read up about the nasty injections on an American blokes website…..dont cry! 6 years is a good innings! At least you didn’t get autism.”

You shouldn’t be allowed children. You’re a fucking risk to them and any other child that they come into contact with. In fact, there’s so many deluded cunts spouting more bollocks than a coked up cabbie out there, that there should be a mandatory test before people can fuck.

You’re worse than those religious nuts who let their children die of cancer, whilst they wait impatiently for a non existent God to fix it like some cosmic Jimmy Savile, only he fucks it instead, like some cosmic Jimmy Savile.  At least those deluded cunts actually think their prayers will work. You just can’t be arsed going down the clinic “in case sumfink bad appens”

Ignorance isn’t bliss, It’s fucking scary. You weird cunts used to be on the fringes of society, sending your chain mail, practising your homeopathy and actually inviting in Jehovah’s Witnesses for a a wee chat. Then the internet happened, you actually have voices and can spread your ideas like fucking cyber AIDS, which, incidentally, you wouldn’t bother to fucking treat if it were a real affliction.

So. Log off fucking MumsNet, do a little research and book your kids in at the doctors in the morning you stupid, stupid bastards.

 

Benefits to rise by £6 million!

“As people burn to death in buildings coated with pretty coloured fucking bbq fire lighters, and the rate of homelessness increases quicker than a DUP bribe, the UK’s richest benefit claimant is set for a fucking £6 million pay increase along with a £370 million lick of paint for Buck Palace.”

As people burn to death in buildings coated with pretty coloured fucking bbq fire lighters, and the rate of homelessness increases quicker than a DUP bribe, the UK’s richest benefit claimant is set for a fucking £6 million pay increase along with a £370 million lick of paint for Buck Palace.

I know what all the arguments for the extra cash are going to be already; She works really hard cutting all those fucking ribbons and she’s getting on a bit, her diamond encrusted, solid gold Crown is pretty fucking heavy nowadays, and it must be a strain what with Philip retiring blah blah blah. But do the benefits outweigh the cost to the public purse? My grandad is getting on a bit. He’d cut a fucking 1000 ribbons for some help with his gas bill come winter.

£370 million seems a little excessive to do up someone’s gaff, especially when you consider that a whole fucking tower block could’ve been coated in something not flammable for an extra 2 grand.

It’s time we got rid of this antiquated system of superiority. Scrap the royals and fuck hereditary peers too. Just because you happened to be born to certain parents, at a certain place, in a certain time, it makes you no fucking better than the rest of us.

Unless you had Bryan Cranston’s parents and you were born in the same place as him, at the same time and they called you fucking Bryan Cranston, because that cunt is a god. He deserves 80 odd million and Palace just for services to tele.

“Oh but what about all the tourism Malcolm?” Fuck the fat American twats. They only spend money in fucking Maccies anyway, so it goes straight home. If we do ditch the Royals then just don’t tell the cunts. They dont fucking see them anyway! Just leave a few of them soldiers with the daft hats knocking about and Bob’s your fucking uncle.

Tim Wattacunt and the Mahogany Duke prove daytime TV is a fucking abortion

Fuck talk shows and the odd quiz, TV producers have found something cheaper to make than a fucking omelette. The antiques show. Once reserved for Sunday night viewing and aimed specifically at those who can actually remember buying the featured items fucking new, the format now dominates the box, like Donald Trump at a Miss. World contest.

You’ve got that 7ft mahogany twat jawed gimp on ITV, the fucking ‘Duke’. Duke of what, Alzheimer’s? The cunt constantly summarises what’s just happened as if you, the viewer, has the memory of a gold fish. The auctioneer says ‘I’m at £50 with the man in blue’ and then Davey boy immediately pipes up ‘the man in blue just bid 50 bobby dazzlers!’ We know you cunt. We just saw it.

There’s an array of odd looking fuckers on his show. That gold obsessed, 70 year old lady boy, who looks like he’s auditioning to be a fucking tarot reader. The scruffy greasy haired fat twat with the long grubby nails, who pretends he’s skint then buy a worthless piece of shite for 50 grand, and the prick with the massive eyes who looks like Two Face out of Batman without the good side.

Then you’ve got the cast of fucking Balamory on the Beeb. Does it say on the job spec ‘must have a gap in teeth and/or must be Scottish’? Everyone looks like a fucking League of Gentlemen character. There’s that perpetually happy black haired bird who reminds me of a Textiles teacher that’s accidentally stumbled onto the set and thought ‘fuck it, how hard can it be?’ Then there’s that fucking huge bastard who’d keel over if he ever managed to tuck his fucking shirt in. Oh, and don’t forget the long haired, well spoken one, who always wears fucking primary coloured trousers. No cunt is naturally that pleasant. I don’t trust him.

Finally there’s the ring leader. The fucking poor man’s Duke, Tim Wattacunt. That gapped toothed, shit Leslie Phillips impersonator is more irritating than fucking bleach on a eye ball. Especially when he says ‘yeeeaah’ like a fucking distressed snake.

I hate being off work ill. I got excited by something called ‘Lose Women’, but unlike Ronseal, the fucking tin lied. They were just a bunch of stuck up cunts trying to out do each other.

Susan Boyle and a Disney cartoon vulture just struck a deal

Just a few weeks after Theresa May’s attempt to strengthen the Tories hand collapsed like a fucking Glastonbury reveller after Corbyn ascended the stage and healed the sick, the ultra right wing party are now allowing themselves to be propped up by the DUP.

Treeza has somehow managed to find the elusive magic money Tree, and has cut it down quicker than David Dimblebly silencing and opinionated lefty, in order to pay the DUP a billion pounds for their support.

Like a shit new beer, Tory Lite will be weaker and taste a little bitter. Having thrown away their manifesto quicker than a pile of incriminating MP paedo files (excuse the pun) they’ve basically turned into a one issue, Brexit obsessed party. Like Nigel Farage’s birthday celebrations.

I don’t know the full the details of the deal, apart from that the DUP have actually expelled some of the less popular Tory pledges like a school age Paul Nutall caught chatting shit again by an angry P.E teacher.

I don’t think much will change though, we’ll still have a fucking austerity driven, divisive set of psychopaths in charge, hell bent on putting profit before people like fucking Ferengi caricatures, looking after their rich mates whilst the rest of starve and burn.

Will Treeza be here much longer? Who gives a fuck? She’ll just be replaced with another emotionless, rubber faced droid, when the time comes, which I’m guessing will be sooner than later considering she’s about as popular as a turd in a swimming pool.